Deadpool in Equestria

by MrAquino

Bovinophobia

"NOO!!! NEVER!!!" Deadpool screamed as Applejack dragged him with her lasso.

"For the last time, Deadpool," she huffed "Ya'll need to face your ridiculous fear of cows!"

"NEVER!!! I'm too rich and busy to face my fear of cows!!! I only wish to see them become ground beef for my chimichangas and burgers!!!"

"Now that's a huge balookey!" Deadpool teleported, standing up to the mare.

"Oh yeah!? Tell me, AJ, why do you keep animals around the barn?"

"...Beg yer pardon?"

"Why do you keep animals around the barn? With the exception of your pooch, there's no reason you should have animals around your barn."

"Every animal we have helps our profit! Chickens help make the eggs we need and sheep give us wool for clothes!" Deadpool teleported behind AJ and slapped her flank.

"You don't need to wear clothes with a nice ass like that!" The Apple pony blushed, but growled, bucking Deadpool in the face. "...ow."

"We don't usually wear clothes, but them higher ponies do! Noe come on! Daisy Jo's waitin'." Deadpool pulled a knife from his boot.

"You guys ever seen my movie? Spoilers!" He began to cut his left hand off.

Again? Really?

AVOID THE COWS!!!

Unfortunately, Applejack bucked him, knocking him unconscious.

Deadpool awoke and found himself in a pleasant meadow. All around him, flowers bloomed with butterflies & bees pollinating them, a gentle & warm breeze flew past him, and there was peace all around. He looked around, seeing that the meadow never seemed to end... and no tree was around.

"...Well, to see if someone's watching." He turned his back, unzipped his pants, and peed... he peed out rainbows. "Oh! A dream!"

"Very much." The motherly voice of Luna spoke. Deadpool turned to see the princess of the night herself. He immediately had a nine inch boner. "Wade, though we don't have much time here, let me encourage you to face your fears." Deadpool turned into his pony self.

"Or... you and I can have the best pony on pony action with a better love story than both Twilight and Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones."

"Deadpool, as much as I would love to have it with you, this is a dream, so it's not going to be as good as if we're awake. And secondly, why hate Twilight's interest in Flash Sentry and say we'll be attacked by clones?"

"...Your majesty... you and I will have t go through a crapathon of s****y films. But after that, we'll watch the better love stories of all time... and perhaps roleplay as them. I'll be Aragorn and you'll be Arwen!"

"...Who?"

"Ugh... I have the lord of the Rings Trilogy in my house. Get them and watch them. Best 9 hours of your life! And, before you ask, yes, the eagles would be better."

"Wait, what are you-?"

"ALLAHU AKBAR!!!"

Deadpool woke up again with a snort.

REALLY!?!?!? A 9/11 JOKE!?!?!?

It was an inside job.

Deadpool froze as he heard 'moo's. He stood up and froze as, all around him, cows were around, eating grass and doing cow things.

"Oh God... I'm in hell." He whimpered. He took his first few steps, avoiding contact with both the cows, and any of their fresh 'pies'. As much as he wanted to, none of his weapons were with him, and, even if he did, the cows seemed too... cowy for him to hurt... did I seriously just type that down?

You did.

Ugh... anyways, Deadpool made his way out, and, getting out of the cattle, he ran away a few feet. He turned to the cows, cheering in victory.

"YES!!! YES!!! F**K YOU, COWS!!! YOU'RE ONLY GOOD FOR MILK AND MY TACOS, BEEOTCH!!!"

"Ah wouldn't say that." Applejack said. Deadpool turned to the farm pony.

"YOU!!! HOLD STILL WHILE I STRANGLE YOU!!!"

"You won't." She pulled a toy snake out from her back and threw it in the herd of cows. "Ya'll better run." Loud & panicked moos were heard, followed by heavy footsteps. He turned to the stampede heading for him... and followed by memories of The Lion King.

...We should've worn the brown pants.

"AAAAHHH!!!" Deadpool screamed like a woman, turning and running away from the stampede of cows! While Deadpool's years of combat training seemed to help... just the idea of being chased by cows made him slow down; fear took a hold of him! A Dead tree was in the way and he jumped into the Dead tree, holding on for dear life! "MOMMY!!! DADDY!!! JESUS!!! TOM SELLECK!!!"

On Earth.

Tom Selleck looked up from his crossword puzzle. He looked around, but shrugged, going back to his puzzle.

Back.

Like a Deus Ex Machina device, Princess Luna flapped her wings over Deadpool.

"LUNA!!!" He yelled "Please!!! I need to ride you!!!"

"Did you mean that sexually?" Luna asked

"Both if you get me outta here!!!"

"Hm... I don't know..."

"Come on!!!"

"I mean... this is quite funny, seeing you, the Merc with the Mouth, cry for help from cows and holding on to a dead tree," the tree cracked, making Deadpool scream. "And, you have your healing factor, so I don;t have to worry about your health that much."

"God Dammit, Luna!!! What do you want!?"

"For you to stop calling me mooncheeks."

"Done!!!"

"And for you to take selfies again."

"Been doing that!"

"And sign this contract." She levitated documents to him. He hasitly signed the papers. "Good, hop on." Deadpool jumped onto Luna's back and she flew off. The two landed outside Ponyville park.

"Oh... thank you! Thank you so much, Luna!!!"

"Your very welcome. And now, your payment." Her horn glowed and Deadpool shrunk.

"Hey! What the-!?"

"Aww... you're so cute! Don't worry, we're gonna have some fun."

"W-Wait? What!?"

"You signed my contract! According to my contract, now, whenever you're feeling horny, you're going to have to do what I feel like doing. Right now, I shrunk you, and you are going to have to enter-"

"Oh... my... yes! Wait... MrAquino?"

I ain't typing that s**t!!! End chapter!!!

Author's Note:

If you want to write the various kinks... go ahead. I ain't posing them, though

Comments

[DeltaXeno1138]

Ha! Something, Something, Something Dark Side reference!
Brilliant!

And it looks like Luna's desires have become much more kinky and carnal after spending so much time with Deadpool. I'm pretty sure we all approve.

[Mal Masque]

*pulls out a flask of something, something, full of alcohol and takes a long swig*
... This was a good one. Also, Luna's taking a ride on the wild side... More-so than I'd care to think about.

[mitchboy]

Can you imagine What Deadpool would look like as a Draconequus?

[MrAquino]

7372716 of course: Discord dressed up as Deadpool

[mitchboy]

7372740

You think Deadpool will ever face his fears of cows?

[MrAquino]

7375759 with a blindfold and a fully loaded machine gun.

[mitchboy]

I want Deadpool to kill the Flim Flam brothers, lightning dust but not Iron will.

[ErisHDiscordia]

7372716 Deadcord, or Dispool.

[Moon loving Changeling]

7372038 I know I do

[KVFFour]

7375831
Wrong. With a plane, a bomb, and a assault rifle marked Love and Tolerate.