• Published 9th Nov 2014
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Deadpool in Equestria - MrAquino



What happens when Deadpool, the Merc with the Mouth, lands in the magical land of Equestria? Same thing that happens in every cross story, but with more Deadpool!!!

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Hello, Pulp Fiction: Pony #137 & 138: Svengallop and Coloratura/Rara

Deadpool walked around the the fair village of Ponyville, walking around in his new Sans jacket, enjoying the stroll as ponies everywhere played in the snow.

Man... it sure is peaceful around here.

Yeah... I hate it.

Don't worry, something's going to happen.

Really? Where?

"OOF!!!" Deadpool shouted. He tripped over another pony, a mare by the looks of it. "Ow."

"Oh my! I'm so sorry!" the mare quickly spoke, running with her hooves crushing the snow. "Are you alright?" Deadpool looked up to the mare, seeing the indigo mane with opal highlights and the aquamarine gray coat.

"...Oh... my... God... RARA!!!"

"What!?" Deadpool quickly hugged the mare, making her squeak.

"Oh! Rara! Please!!! Let me learn how to be a wonderful singer like you! I want to have a voice that'll make dudes everywhere turn gay and women wet whenever I sing!"

"...What?"

"There you are, Countess Coloratura!" An all too familiar voice spoke. Both looked up to see a white stallion with a vermilion mane & tail, round glasses, and wearing a blue suit that covered his whole body, cutie mark including.

Oh hell no!

For every great thing, we get a piece of s**t.

"What are you doing with that creature in red spandex!?" The stallion spoke in his annoying tone "This will look horrible to the public on your next show!"

"Svengallop," Rara replied, standing up. "I just bumped into him."

"Yeah!" Deadpool added "I bumped into Rara and I'm asking to be in a duo with her, you little b-"

"I don't care what you were doing," the stallion spoke, taking Rara away "but Countess Coloratura can't be around the likes of a lowlife like you."

LOWLIFE!?!?!?

You little b***h!!!

"Sven," Rara spoke in an irritated tone "please, he's just like a normal pony like you and me."

"He isn't a pony." Sven replied "He's... what are you?"

A pimp!

A psychopath

"Deadpool." He simply replied, crossing his arms. Both Sven and Rara's pupils shrunk and eyes widened, followed by their ears flattening to the side of their heads. They took a few steps back.

"Uh... it was nice meeting you... Deadpool... I... uh... need Coloratura to-" Deadpool teleported, picking up Rara.

"NO!!! My Rara!!!"

"Ok, how do you know my nickname?" Rara asked

"I'm a close friend of A.J.!"

"... Oh... so you were the 'special friend' Applejack made."

"Eeyup!"

"SECURITY!!!" Sven yelled. Some other ponies in security outfits came out of nowhere and tackled Deadpool, making his drop Coloratura. He teleported away before the unicorns could use a spell that was equivalent to a taser, landing on the roof above them, but still out of sight. He watched as Coloratura was taken away by the security and Svengallop following them.

That's OUR Rara!!!

I do wonder though; why is she still working for him?

"She won't by the end of this chapter!" Deadpool broke the 4th wall again. "Now where's that scene?"

In Manehatten, Svengallop sat in his office at the top floor of the music industry. Right next to him, sitting while sharpening a sword, was a lone griffin bodyguard. Entering the office was a mare wearing a french maid outfit. Balancing in her mouth was a tray with, on it, a hayburger, fries, and a drink.

"Sir?" she spoke in a kindly way, placing the tray on Sven's desk "Somepony wishes to meet you."

"Who is it and what do they want?" Sven asked impatiently.

"It's... well... they wish to remain anonymous, but they're here to discuss about your dealership with Countess Coloratura. They want her free from your dealership."

"...She signed the waiver and I have made her the most successful singer since-" The mare glowed and out popped Deadpool and Discord, both wearing matching suits. The mare was revealed to be nothing more of a suit, no doubt from Pinkie's collection.

"Looks like me and Discord caught you boys at breakfast." Deadpool taunted "Sorry about that. Whatcha having?"

"Uh... hayburgers." Sven replied, stunned at the sight

"Hayburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast! What kind of hamburgers?"

"Uh, Ch-cheeseburgers."

"No, where'd you get them? McDonald's, Wendy's, Jack in the Box, where?"

"Um, Big Macuna Burgers."

"Big Mauna Burgers! That's that Hawaiian burger joint. I hear they've got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?"

"G-Good.

"You mind if I try one of yours? This is yours here, right?"

"Yeah." Deadpool took the bottom part of his mask off, showing his lips as he took a bite of the Hayburger.

"Mmm, this is a tasty burger! Discord, you ever had a Big Macuna Burger?" Discord shook his head as he explored the place, looking for the dealership. "Want a bite, they're real tasty."

"Ain't hungry." Discord simply spoke

"Well, if you like burgers, give them a try sometime. Me, I can't usually get 'em because my girlfriends are vegetarians, which, pretty much makes me a vegetarian. I do love the taste of a good burger. You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in Prance?"

"Um, no." Sven answered

"Tell 'em, Discord."

"Royale with cheese." Discord answered

"'Royale with cheese.' Know why they call it that?"

"Uh, because of the the metric system?" Sven asked

"Check out the big brain on Sven! You're a smart motherf****r. That's right, the metric system." He threw the burger on the floor and pointed at the soda "What's in this?"

"Cider."

"Cider, good. Mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash my mouth?"

"Go right ahead." Deadpool took a sip from the cider

"Ah! That hit the spot. You! Chicken!" He walked to the griffin. "You know why we're here? Why don't you tell yDis where the case is?"

"It's over there."

"I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD DAMN THING!!! ... you were saying?"

"It's over there." The griffin spoke, pointing at some safes. Discord inspected the safes. "N-no, the one by your knees." After some inpection, Discord found the briefcase that contained Coloratura's papers and opened it, to which it had a yellow glow and spoke 'Hallelujah'.

"We happy?" Discord stared into the case. "Discord!?" He tured to Wade. "We happy?"

"Yeah, we happy." Discord replied.

"Look, what's your name?" Sven asked "I get you're Discord, but what's your-?"

"My name's Wade, and you ain't talkin' your a** outta this s**t." Deadpool answered.

"I just want you to know how sorry I am about my deal with Coloratura. When she entered into this business, I only had the best intentions-" Deadpool pulled out his gun and shot the lone griffin mercenary next to him. Sven s**t his pants. He didn't cry or whimper, but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. You were saying something about 'best intentions'." Sven just stared at the sight with his mouth wide open, trying to comprehend the sight. "Whats the matter?... Oh, you were finished! Well, let me retort. What does Coloratura looks like?"

"W-what?" Deadpool, flipped the card table over, removing the only barrier between himself and Brett. Brett now sits in a lone chair before Jules like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator.

"What country you from!?"

"What?"

"'What' ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in 'What'!?"

"What?

"English-motherf****r-do-you-speak-it?"

"Yes!"

"Then you understand what I'm sayin'?

"Yes!"

"Now describe what Coloratura looks like!"

"What?" Deadpool placed his gun on Sven's head

"Say 'What' again! Say 'What' again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherf****r, say 'What' one more goddamn time! Now describe to me what Coloratura looks like!"

"Well she's... she's... an earth pony–"

"-go on!"

"...and she's... she's... got a black mane-"

"-does she look like a b***h?!

"What?" He shot Sven in the shoulder. Sven screams, breaking into a spasm in the chair.

"Does-she-look-like-a-b***h?!

"No!"

"Then why did you try to f**k 'er like a b***h?!"

"I didn't!"

"Yes ya did! Ya tried ta f**k 'er. You ever read the Bible, Brett?"

"...No."

"Well then...There's a passage I got memorized, which seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my fingers upon thee!!!" Sven screamed loudly as both Discord and Deadpool shot at Sven, purposely missing him as he screamed like a little b***h. Sven stopped screaming after the shooting came to a stop, shaking in his chair as Deadpool and Discord took camera out of the floors and walls.

"This is going viral on the internet!" Discord cheered with a childish squee.

"Yeah! And Quentin Tarantino will be so happy!!!" They both teleported away as Sven shook uncontrollably. The lone griffin woke up with a moan.

"Ugh... I hate ketchup." He groaned.

Coloratura/Rara woke up but noticed something very different. Normally, she'd wake up in either a fancy hotel room or that large golden pyramid thing Svengallop makes her travel in, but she saw beautiful trees overhead with birds flying overhead. She looked around and saw that she was in an old, familiar place.

"Is this... Camp Friendship!?" she asked herself. Another groan was heard, not too far from her. She got up and walked across the dirt floor, seeing the old cabins while getting flashbacks about her past. She stopped as she saw Applejack, rubbing her head with her foreleg. The Farm pony stopped and saw the pop singer.

"...Rara?" A.J. asked

"A.J.?" Rara asked

"Deadpool!!!" Deadpool shouted, appearing before them.

"Deadpool!?" Both mares asked in shock.

"I'm Sparticus!" A random stallion announced. All three turned to him with a strange look. The stallion cowered and walked away.

"...What are ya'll doing here?" A.J. asked the Mercenary.

"Isn't it obvious?" Deadpool replied with a wide grin. "I'm here to free Rara from her deal with Svengallop!"

"...Say what?"

"Free me?" Rara asked "What do you-?"

"Roll the clip!" Deadpool shouted.

"On it!" Pinkie replied, playing the video, via an old projector. The whole scene with Svengallop was, as you read, followed closely to Pupl Fiction, but it was then followed up by a scene with Sonata, Fluffle Puff, and Deadpool destroying the case, Office Space style. The video was quite shocking, and not just because it was daylight outside, but the actions Deadpool did that, though were for a pretty good cause, made it... weird, to say the least. That's when they saw Deadpool on the same stage Rara first performed, sitting near a piano

"This is a song, which is really a first world rant on cellphone services, in which Adelle is talking to some guy or girl on the phone, using a s***ty flip phone, and to tell everyone that she's alive despite her constant tweets, with an otherwise boring hook that people believe is dramatic."

♫Hello; it's me; I was wondering

If after all these years you'd like to meet to go over... everything

They say that time's supposed to heal, yeah

But I ain't done much healing♫

BULLS**T!!!

♫Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

When we were younger... and free

I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us

And a million miles♫

Here comes the hook.

♫Hello from the other side!!!

I must've called a thousand times!!!

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside!!!

At least I can say that I've tried

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore.♫

Just get Starbucks, you'll feel much better.

♫Hello, how are you?

It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry

I hope that you're well

Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret

That the both of us are running out of time♫

We're immortal.

♫So hello from the other side!!!

I must've called a thousand times

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside!!!

At least I can say that I've tried

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore♫

You're overdramatic.

♫Ooh, anymore♫

I think she's on her period

♫Ooh, anymore♫

Eh, I guess

♫Ooh, anymore

Anymore...

Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore♫

Both A.J. and Rara stared at the beautiful sight as Deadpool finished the song, followed with him scratching his butt. Both mares fell to the floor, unconscious.

"DAMN IT!!!" Deadpool yelled "I should've done Ariana Grande's 'Focus'!"

Sorry, but Bill Cosby is in jail.

Puddingpops!

"That's gonna take forever, though. Oh well... happy new year everybody reading! Next year, we're gonna be much more crazier!!!"

Author's Note:

Also, if you hate Svengallop, please, check out this funny comic by the DoubleWBrothers.

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