• Member Since 15th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Freewing Alchemist P


Hard worikng Writer. Likes to read stories and Impove his skills. Has a strange sences of humor, don't hold it against me.

T
Source

Humanized Ponies, some aspects of Equestrian Girls
Don't like, then don't read.

One night coming home from chorus practice Twilight and her fellow Elements of Harmony witnessed a strange comet that transformed them. They are now Van-Pires, with some help they must prepare for future threats, because if they don't then they will wind up living in a world with out Gasoline and overrun by monsters.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 3 )

Oh man! Obscure reference! I don't think more than a hundred people remember this show hahaha!

Though the BAD GUYS were Van-pires no? The good guys were Motor Vators or something? Or I guess it was just a team name...

So having read it... not bad for a mostly expository chapter! Some typos and mistakes here or there that needs fixing though... for exemple it's spelled 'magenta' not 'magnete' and you have a 'whit' instead of 'wait' in there. There's also a few spots where I found it difficult to tell who was talking, you might want to look into it in the future?

Like that Spike isn't a dog...always felt that was stupid when he's pratically Twilight's brother.

Mr. Rookwood here feels a bit superfluous, maybe instead of an OC you could make him into Mr. Sombra! Play up the jealousy angle a bit, since in the comic you have a version of Celestia falling for a nice verson of Sombra, plus it would work out well with Equestrian symmetry.

That's gonna be a lot of characters to handle, good luck! I'm looking forward to reading more!

*Tracking!*

5221164 Thanks I didn't think any one would know I am just writing this piece for fun.
Thanks for pointing out where my mistakes were thank you.

1.

So having read it... not bad for a mostly expository chapter! Some typos and mistakes here or there that needs fixing though... for exemple it's spelled 'magenta' not 'magnete' and you have a 'whit' instead of 'wait' in there. There's also a few spots where I found it difficult to tell who was talking, you might want to look into it in the future?

Thanks I will go through and see what I can do but I thought I got the magenta thing?

2

Like that Spike isn't a dog...always felt that was stupid when he's pratically Twilight's brother.

I agree with you on that I mean the Diamond Dogs were human. They even had Fluffel Puff and she is an OC.

3.

Mr. Rookwood here feels a bit superfluous,

Thanks for noticing, I got that feel and I kind of wanted it their for this piece

4.

you could make him into Mr. Sombra!

since in the comic you have a version of Celestia falling for a nice version of Sombra, plus it would work out well with Equestrian symmetry.

Exactly

5.

Play up the jealousy angle a bit, since in the comic you have a version of Celestia falling for a nice verson of Sombra, plus it would work out well with Equestrian symmetry.

Planning On it.

Thank you for the input and I am glad that you are following the story
I will try to improve.

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