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It was no national secret.

Celestia always told her guards that nopony was to touch her mane. Ever. If terrorists broke into the castle and held her at swordpoint, they were to let her die before anypony touched her mane. If an adoring foal ever grasped for her flowing locks in the street then they were to be tackled as if they had held a knife to her throat. If she tripped at the top of the Unreasonably Long Staircase in the highest tower of the castle, broke her wings and began to slide over the edge of the stairs then they were to look on impassively as she fell rather than grasp her by her mane to save her.

Nopony was to touch Celestia's mane; it shouldn't have been a difficult command to obey. Somewhere in the depths of the Canterlot archives lay a twisted and malicious law on the subject and now, for the first time ever, she had to exercise it.

For fate had dealt her a hand worse then death, worse than damnation, worse even than Discord.

Fate chuckled, or perhaps cackled, and threw her a mane full of Pinkie Pie.

First Published
19th Nov 2014
Last Modified
19th Nov 2014
#1 · 127w, 2d ago · · ·

I loofa'd this.

#2 · 127w, 2d ago · 1 · 1 ·

Dat coverart. It's been a long time since I've heard about gak. Can't say I miss that horrible catastrophe, though.

Also, fantastic story. It's funny and doesn't take itself too seriously. I like that in a fic.

#4 · 127w, 2d ago · · ·

Now i'm imagining laughter-flavored cupcakes garnished with unicorn-horn-flavored candy. Damn you, internet.

#5 · 127w, 2d ago · · ·

>>5287652

>>5286760

>>5286615

I finished this at 2am. Any good writing is purely accidental. Glad you liked the story though, but with a title like that it was never going to take itself too seriously.

:twilightblush:

#6 · 127w, 2d ago · · ·

>>5288047

Sounds delicious, sweet and horribly illegal.

Yep. That's the internet alright.

#7 · 127w, 1d ago · · ·

Pinkie also dresses up as a walrus and asks Twilight where her bucket is, doesn't she?

#8 · 127w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

>>5289520 I don't see why she wouldn't.

#9 · 127w, 1d ago · · ·

This is the best "Celectia does a random visit to Ponywille and everything goes totally wrong" fic i've read so far!

#10 · 127w, 1d ago · · ·

>>5289912 Glad to hear it! It was written on a fairly solid sleep deprivations, so the reaction's been rather pleasing. Many thanks. :twilightsmile:

#11 · 127w, 1d ago · 2 · ·

>>5289970

Ah, yes, sleep deprivation. The source of all the greatest random humour.

#12 · 127w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Well... this was delightful. Though I don't really see how being a cupcake is a punishment for Pinkie. Heck I can imagine her going out of her way to touch Celestia's hair just to be turned into one again. Oh well, You can have an upward facing thumb, a silver star, and the knowledge that you made me smile.

I'll see you at the next chapter.

#13 · 127w, 23h ago · · ·

"Now, Twilight... Where might I find some hayfires?"

Spelling makes a hilarious difference.

#14 · 127w, 21h ago · · ·

>>5292180 MAYBE THAT WAS HER PLAN ALL ALONG! 0.0

#meta #nutstoyourplotholes

:twilightsmile:

#15 · 127w, 21h ago · · ·

>>5292735 Thank you! Celestial is not an arsonist and I'm glad you've shown me how to rectify the fact.

:pinkiehappy:

#16 · 127w, 21h ago · 1 · ·

>>5292975 Celestial isn't an arsonist, which is good. This still leaves me questioning Celestia, however.

#17 · 127w, 21h ago · · ·

I don't get it.

#18 · 127w, 18h ago · 1 · ·

>>5292958 Oh. My. God. Pinkie is a mad genius!

#amazed #geniuspinkie

See I can use hash tags too...#hashtag

Sorry, but yeah, I can definitely see Pinkie touching Tia's hair on purpose so she can be a cupcake.

#19 · 127w, 18h ago · · ·

>>5293049 There wasn't really meant to be much to get.

#20 · 127w, 15h ago · 2 · ·

What he said. Still... Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.

#21 · 127w, 10h ago · 1 · ·

Hey Pinkie, feel the irony of being turned into a cupcake?

If you know what I mean... *nudge* :pinkiecrazy:

#22 · 123w, 5d ago · 1 · ·

Light and short; I was promised comedy and comedy's what I got. You went a little overboard with Ponyville's and especially Twilight's reaction for my liking, though, and the ending comes a bit abrupt. I miss some sort of punch line there, in my opinion that would've made the difference between an enjoyable and a truly great story.

But yeah, it made me chuckle, especially Tia's conversation with Dawn Shine and the depiction of her everyday life in the castle.

#23 · 112w, 6d ago · · ·

"Then," Dawn Shine continued, smugly, "it can hardly be said to be before breakfast, your majesty."

We've gotten several paragraphs into the story. We've heard about him. Yet you fail to give any descriptors up to this point when he's actuallly talking.

What does he look like? This is important infomation that you ned to give your readers when introducing an OC. Or possibly the Hasbro funded Fanfic (talked to Hasbro about the MLP franchise, and was told that they don't do the stuff, rather people pay them for the right to use their copyighted material).

As is, we have no idea of anything about him other than he's a male. He works for Celestia. And he's rather fast.

_________________

Terrifying as the threat of torture had been, the idea of Prince Blueblood getting his hands on official documents was worse.

hooves

Ponies don't have hands XD.

____________

"anything can happen at any time for now reason; just roll with it."

no

_______

"What do you mean, "kind of greeting I expect."?"

This kind of quote in a dialog bit gets wrapped in '  ', not ". It makes it rather odd to read other wise, especially when you get the ? mark wrapped in quote marks.

___________

Celestia lay a hoof on her former student's shoulder. "Twilight, listen."

I appologise, this is the first thing I read when I woke up ... looked amusing enough for an after nap read, but.

Unholly hell. Sure you have some rather wall of text paragraphs that could be broken up. But this massive chunk of text is unbelievable. Can you please break this into readable chunks? You know that a speaker can take up multiple paragraphs right?

Between the lack of descriptions, chunky paragraphs, and that latest massive jumble of texts I'm going to have to put this story far on the back burner. It'd be slightly funny if it was more polished up. And had a little better flow. But as is, I'm giving up on this fic. Anywho, have a good evening. Laters.

#24 · 112w, 6d ago · · ·

>>5678732 Firstly, thank you for pointing out the "hands" and "now" errors. I've fixed those now.

As for the quotation marks, I was taught to enclose quotes with them. Celestia is quoting, she gets the marks.

I see no reason to elaborate more on Dawn Shine's appearance. He's a minor character that is only present at the start of the story, has almost no impact on the plot and whose only purpose is to provide a target for Celestia's annoyance. As for personality, it can be inferred that he is dutiful (he attends does not complain about Noble's Court despite his horrific time there), modern (he dislikes the old-fashioned style of the Noble's Court), efficient (he drops off Celestia's paperwork, guides her through her routine from memory and tries to stay on topic), intelligent (he anticipates and dodges Celestia's fireballs) and slightly nerdy (the whole thing about "before breakfast"). Readers may asign to him whatever appearance they see fit, but the name holds it's own connotations there and if authors of non-fanfiction writing described each of their characters in detail then you would not have a book so much as a treatise on fashion.

As for the wall of text, linebreaks do not modify the way in which I read a passage any more than full stops do. I do not see why they should. They typically indicate a change of topic, or a change of speaker, neither of which obviously occur in Celestia's monologue. I find the idea that a large wall of text puts you off a story very odd.

Finally, do not presume to tell me what I, "need" to do with regard to my stories. If you disagree with my style please be polite enough to note that your opinion is just that, and not immutable truth.

#25 · 112w, 6d ago · · ·

>>5678820

Not talking abut line breaks. I'm talking about taking a 5 inch paragraph and breaking the paragraph into smaller paragraphs. Rather than a jumble of quotation marks that blur together.

The quoted bit of a paragraph has 8 Bits of dialog. 26 Sententences. And at Dialog bit number three it becomes a blurry wall of text. And interest is instantly lost in that bit.

As for a treatiese of fashion, you can find numerous fics were that's not the case. I really don't need to know his personsality, but, "[pony tribe insert] stallion" would be helpful. But if you don't really care about him. Then buck it, he's about as tacked on as a random gaurd, and those guys are at least designated with a race.

http://data.grammarbook.com/blog/quotation-marks/quoting-a-question-within-a-question/

Very first rule. Use ', when quoting a quote in dialog.

_____________

Lastly I wasn't telling you how to write your fic. Only that a) it wasn't clear that Dusk was a McGuffin that had no reason for existing. Since you built him up, and gave him the feeling of importance to the fic. Rather than some faceless drone. And b) that a 26 sentence paragraph, with 8 bits of seperate dialog / actions was excessive.

As for that point https://ylvapublishing.wordpress.com/2013/08/18/paragraph-structure-in-fiction/ Yes, there is no solid rule for size ... but, it's considered proper, that new actions, ideas, moments, are there own paragraphs. And it's not a good idea to have massive walls of text. They look unstructured, nd ruin the flow of a story.

#26 · 112w, 6d ago · · ·

>>5678971 I stand by Dawn Shine's description (or lack of one), and I stand by my wall of text.

However, I was obviously wrong about the quotation marks. Thanks for the source, I'll make that change.

#27 · 112w, 6d ago · · ·

>>5680389

Welp, honestly that 26 sentence paragraph has to many seperate actions (her to Twilight, Mrs. Cake mention, and two different actions with the crowd, rather than one cohesive flowing paragraph.) and is the reason I stopped reading this fic (the previous few were only slightly bulky, but had a flow). But I can respect the whole Dusk Shine, now knowing he's utterly unimportant, and your welcome for the quotation source.

Good luck with your future work.

#28 · 104w, 1d ago · · ·

May I eat the cupcake?

#30 · 100w, 6d ago · · ·

I'm confused-  Why did Princess Celestia turn Pinkie Pie into a cupcake? And how does that make the towns ponies relax around her?:applejackunsure: And why did she faint? Twilight didn't faint when she turned her parents into plants. Good story though. :twilightsmile:

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