It Was Nice While It Lasted...
The ponies of Equestria couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful morning. Celestia’s grand sun slowly crept over the horizon, its magnificent rays coating the land in a warm, golden light. Even the land’s countless critters felt livelier on this particular morning, the birds carrying an extra sense of pep behind their singing tones, and the skittering squirrels being just a bit more squirrelly.
Nopony in their right mind would deny that this scene was the quintessential example of serenity at its finest. At its purest. At its most peaceful.
So, naturally, this sight would last for all of, say... five seconds.
No sooner did the sun make its presence known in the sky did the ground beneath it begin to tremble and quake. Surrounding animals merely stopped in their tracks at first, looking down at the ground in confusion. Soon after, they all scattered, running for their lives as the very ground beneath them split apart, slowly, but very clearly moving of its own accord.
Massive cracks broke out across the once-pristine land for what must’ve been miles, sending bits of rocky debris flying in all manner of directions. It was nothing short of a miracle that the worst of the destruction took place in a desolate plot of grassy land, the casualties being nothing more than particularly unfortunate daisies and tulips as they were swallowed up by the earth’s growing maw.
Not long after the ground was ripped asunder did another sight make the already unusual phenomenon even more so. From the deep, dark depths of the earth rose a terrifyingly magnificent structure. Though its general shape, a cylinder, wasn’t very elaborate, the structure itself was anything but.
The translucent crystal that made up the structure, despite being buried underground for what must’ve been centuries, if not millenia, still shone and glistened brilliantly in the sun, not so much as a grain of dirt clinging to its flawless surface.
The tower’s perimeter was lined with hundreds of flights of spiraling stairs, all of which led into chambers inside of the structure. And that was to say nothing of its sheer size. Even after dwarfing Canterlot Castle itself, it still rose, piercing the sky, and threatening to enter the heavens itself.
The structure’s ascent, of course, was not without its own consequences. Dozens of pieces of boulder-sized debris fell from the structure’s surface, crashing into the already ruined ground below, and that was ignoring the many pieces that were simply sent flying for Celestia-knows how far.
It took minutes, though it undoubtedly seemed like an eternity for all who felt the trembling, but the tower finally slowed to a stop.
Then all was silent. Eerily so, save for the wind whistling about the structure. If one listened closely, it almost sounded like the wind was shouting, “Holy balls, that thing is big!” It sounded strangely like an astonished cow.
The tower just stood there, a massive, glistening protrusion from the quivering remains of the ground that would’ve left Hoofmund Freud frothing at the mouth. Yet it’s not-compensative-at-all nature wasn’t the only unusual thing about it.
Though it was virtually impossible even for pegasi to see, the tower was not completely abandoned. Standing atop the structure, a single slip away from a very, very long trip back down, were two figures: a pony as well as a centuries-old... thing, so for simplicity’s sake, it was a demigod. Though that wasn’t to say that they were acquaintances, goodness no. A massive crystal tower may have just jutted out of the ground, but that was hardly any reason to make any far-fetched assumptions.
A wicked smile cracked across Ahuizotl’s massive mouth as he looked down at the two inky-black, crystal swords in his hands, both glistening as though they were windows into the deepness of space itself.
The Galactic Armaments. The weapons supposedly used by the very parents of Equestria’s two princesses. The most powerful artifacts in all of the land; even the Elements of Harmony seemed paltry in comparison. With them, he would completely wipe out any and all who opposed him, ruling Equestria with an iron fist.
He tapped a victorious foot on what would soon be his royal castle, his eyes shifting over to the massive crystal throne planted so prominently at the center of the tower. It would offer the perfect view of the weak-minded insects below as all chaos rained down upon them. All that he saw, all that the light touched, would soon be his.
And to think his colleagues said that he was crazy.
He released a hearty howl of laughter. In fact, laughing was all he did during the tower’s lengthy rise into the sky. Even more in fact, he would’ve kept laughing if he wasn’t cut off by a sudden need for breath that sent him into a coughing fit.
After world domination, he would need to work on his lung capacity. Priorities, priorities.
“You won’t get away with this, Ahuizotl!” shouted a very familiar voice.
Releasing another sinister chortle, Ahuizotl turned his attention towards the brown pegasus dangling helplessly above a tank of flesh-eating piranha that also ended up there with them... somehow. Oh, how many times had he heard that exact same phrase, word for word? He would almost miss it in a way. Almost.
“Ah ha! But that is where you are wrong, Ms. Daring Do!” Ahuizotl taunted, pointing a sword towards the bound mare. “As lovely as our time was together, the day has finally come where victory is mine! What a shame that you will not be around long enough to witness my reign over this land.”
Slowly, Daring was lowered towards the eager piranha via a mechanism located... somewhere. Honestly, this was hardly the appropriate time for her to worry about such tiny details.
She strained and strained, teeth gritted with determination, but the ropes that bound her refused to give. Not even her tried and true techniques worked; he must‘ve gotten smarter with his knots. Of course, she still had her other, very hungry problem to worry about. “Why does it always have to be piranha?” she muttered.
“Ah, ah, ah,” Ahuizotl said. “I would be careful, Ms. Do. One wrong snip at the ropes and you may become an express meal for my pets.” He punctuated his ominous warning with another evil laugh.
With each passing second, the distance between Daring Do and the excited carnivores grew increasingly smaller. Even with possible death staring her smack in the face, she couldn’t help but kick herself for allowing herself to end up in such a situation. She became too cocky after all of her previous victories over Ahuizotl. She grew careless, and that was what led her right into that trap rigged with knockout gas that he managed to set up... somehow.
Somehow, it felt like a lot of her encounters with Ahuizotl had just as many plotholes as her later books.
Worst of all, it was all going to end so anticlimactically! Not a single explosion in sight! Or a manticore rodeo. Or a temple rigged with copious amounts of chocolate-themed traps. Or just about anything else from her dream journal. Nope. Just boring, eaten-to-death-by-(insert carnivore here). She could think of at least fifty far more interesting things to put in the final book and at least fifteen of them involved chocolate.
Ugh, great. Now, I’m gonna die hungry, too. Is that ironic, all things considered?
Mere seconds remained between Daring and the fish as Ahuizotl watched on with a sickeningly pleased smile.
Come on, Do. Think of something. Anything!
Yet right before she was within perfect snacking range, she stopped. Not due to some malfunction with the mechanism, amazing as that would’ve been, but something else. It took her a moment, but Daring soon noticed a faint, golden shimmer dancing in front of her vision.
Ahuizotl could only stare on, mouth agape as his mind tried to make sense of the sight before him. It really couldn‘t and it really wasn‘t paid enough to even bother in the first place. “What in the...?”
Daring Do, a pony that, last Ahuizotl checked, couldn’t use magic, was coated in a golden magical aura. She was raised up back to a safe distance, much to the chagrin of the hungry piranha, before another magical glow, this one a deep blue, wrapped around the rope. In the blink of an eye, the rope disintegrated, leaving the demigod’s nemesis safely floating in that golden aura.
Ahuizotl had to admit, if it weren’t for the fact that she looked just as shocked and confused as he did as she was safely lowered back to solid ground, he would’ve just assumed that she, once again, pulled some kind of miracle directly out of that rabbit’s foot-filled flank of hers. Seriously, it wouldn’t have surprised him in the least.
“Well, what have we here?”
The attention of both rivals was drawn towards the voice. In near perfect sync, both of their jaws dropped straight to the floor.
Coming to a graceful landing atop the massive tower was the sun princess herself, Princess Celestia. Following shortly behind was her younger sister, Princess Luna.
Ahuizotl felt his throat run dry as he stared at the regal sisters. He had to be honest, he never met either princess before, let alone so up close. Heavens knew that that was an encounter that he simply would not want to write home about. He made it a very deliberate point to keep his searches for the world’s powerful, long-forgotten artifacts on the quiet end for that very reason.
It was at that very moment—with the two princesses eyeing him with chillingly strong glares—that the demigod finally realized that perhaps summoning a structure that could’ve been considered excessive even for a galactic ruler in the middle of a wide open field probably wasn’t the quietest way he could’ve gone about doing things.
It was also at that very moment that he felt a very distinct feeling in the pit of his gut. The very same feeling that came whenever he heard the tell-tale sound of another ancient temple crumbling around his ears: the unmistakable feeling of dread.
Somewhere, at some point in time, he had made a terrible, terrible error. Maybe it was getting out of his sarcophagus this morning. Yes, that seemed about right.
Gulping down a nervous lump in his throat, Ahuizotl locked eyes with the sun princess’ very unamused gaze while her sister tended to the slightly dazed archaeologist.
Daring Do struggled to stay on her own hooves, the blood still rushing from her head back to the rest of her body. Luna, helpfully, offered support for her to lean against. “Are you injured?” she asked.
Shaking her head, Daring managed to get rid of most of the daze that plagued her. “I... I don’t think so. Uh, thanks, princess.”
“Not necessarily what you were expecting for your next book is it, Ms. Yearling?” Luna asked with a playful wink.
Daring clutched her head, pulling her hat over her eyes as an undeniable headache made its presence very known. “Ugh, you have no idea,” she groaned. “I’m gonna need, like, four glasses of wine after all of this.”
Luna did not have a chance in the world to contain the snicker that escaped her lips. “Only four? Well, aren’t you quite the lightweight?”
For the shortest of seconds, Daring Do shot a seething glare towards the teasing princess. “Well, excuse me, princess. Not all of are blessed with a liver by the lead-based gods. Do you seriously think that I can organize these expeditions when I’m drunk?”
“You mean the same ones that send you halfway around the globe to dirty, old temples that nopony else in their right mind would dare visit rather than, say... settle down with a nice stallion and go for that mystical fifth glass? Those expeditions?”
Daring Do paused. Then blinked. “You know, I know you just saved my life... but I really don’t care for you right now. Besides, don’t you think we have bigger things to worry about?” she asked, gesturing towards the demigod staring down with Celestia.
Luna only waved a nonchalant hoof. “Oh, I would hardly worry about that. I think my sister can handle this. Though I must admit, I do feel rather bad.”
Daring only arched a confused eyebrow. “Why’s that?”
Luna chuckled an oddly sinister chuckle. “Oh, I just believe it’s a natural feeling one has when observing a massive train wreck.”
Ahuizotl‘s gaze never left Celestia‘s for a second. It seemed that her sister would stand aside for now. He wasn‘t going to complain about that. Everything, for all intents and purposes, was still in his control. For some odd reason, though, he couldn‘t stop hearing what sounded like... bellowing train horns accompanied by the ear-rendering sound of screeching brakes?
Oddly specific. He probably needed to get his ears checked out.
“So, Celestia,” he finally said. “What unfortunate events have brought you to me?”
A quick snort left Celestia’s snout. “‘Unfortunate’ seems like a rather weak word in light of recent events.” She rapped a quick hoof on the crystal tower. “I was just busy enjoying my morning cup of tea when suddenly this lovely thing pops out of the ground.” Another huff. “Honestly, it wouldn’t have even been that bad, but unfortunately, it blocked my favorite view of the countryside, so I only saw it appropriate to see what all of the fuss was about.”
Wearing a mask of confidence, Ahuizotl chuckled. “And you are about to find out,” he said in a threatening growl. “I suppose it was only a matter of time before we finally crossed paths.”
Celestia only arched a single, cautious eyebrow. “Yes, I suppose it was, er, Mr...?”
And just like, Ahuizotl’s mask shattered, his eyes going wide in disbelief. Against his barely functioning brain's better judgment, he opened his mouth to say something, but only confused, shocked sputters left his gullet. “Y-you aren’t serious, are you?” he finally forced out. He gestured towards himself as though presenting a piece of furniture on the showroom floor. “Ahuizotl?” he simply said, doing nothing to change Celestia’s confused expression. Sighing, he begrudgingly continued. “The most powerful demigod to exist? Conqueror of all life that there ever was, is, and will be?” Still nothing. Heaving an annoyed grunt, his next words came with a very clear sense of disgust. “The villain from the Daring Do books?”
And that did the trick. Because of course it did.“Oh! So that’s how you pronounce your name?” Celestia asked, genuinely curious. “Interesting. Luna and I have simply settled on calling you ‘Schnitzel’.”
One eye twitch. That was the only thing that betrayed his otherwise stone-faced visage. ‘Flabbergasted’, as fun a word as it is, was nowhere near strong enough to describe the feelings rushing through his mind. “What.” That was all that he could say. Not necessarily a question or a statement or a sign of confusion, but still just enough to express his utter disbelief. Not even Daring Do, with her countless taunts, ever disrespected him so blatantly. “Could you stop calling me that, then?”
Celestia tapped a hoof to her chin as she pondered the question. “Well... I could, but we’ve been calling you that for such a long time. That, and I’m already starting to forget how to pronounce your real name.”
Another, more severe eye twitch. “It’s Ahuizo—”
“And I’ve forgotten!”
Ahuizotl could only blink. Not because he was at a loss for words, but because it was literally the only visible action his fleeting mind would allow.
“Oh, don’t take it so harshly,” Celestia reassured. “I’ve heard from many griffin ambassadors that schnitzel is quite the delicacy in their kingdom. You should feel honored.”
In all likelihood, Ahuizotl could’ve—and would’ve—just stood there, far too confused to form simple thoughts, let alone the coherent sense to move. Thankfully, he managed to remember why he was there to begin with, and more specifically, he remembered the weapons in his hands, the only things that could easily best the princesses even in their prime and maybe, just maybe, even help him regain his lost dignity.
“Ha, no matter!” he exclaimed, pointing the swords towards the princess. “With the power of the Galactic Armaments, all will soon know my name!”
As soon as he spoke the name of the ancient artifacts, both Celestia and Luna visibly perked up, their eyes lighting up with what Ahuizotl swore was foal-like glee.
“Oh, my goodness,” Celestia breathed out through barely contained laughter. Completely disregarding Ahuizotl's threat—and really, just disregarding Ahuizotl—she looked back towards her sister. “We really did name them that, didn’t we, Luna?”
Luna, still smiling, quickly shook her head. “Oh, do not even try to pin those ridiculous names on me, ‘Tia. If I recall correctly, you were the one who decided on the name.”
“Yes, but you agreed with me.”
“Hardly! You etched the name into the naming stones without my knowing!”
Celestia blinked. Luna made a very strong argument there. “...Well, in that case... perhaps you shouldn’t have taken your eyes off of me. Hmph!” Celestia punctuated her little rebuttal by sticking out her tongue in a teasing, not-very-princesslike fashion.
As the sisters’ bantered, Ahuizotl and Daring Do could only switch back and forth between the two, not entirely certain what to make of anything anymore, let alone what they were even doing there at that point. Near life-and-death battles over old pieces of metal and stone? Perfectly understandable. Caught in between the sisterly bickering of Equestria’s two most respected figures? A bit more difficult to wrap the head around.
Fortunately for Ahuizotl, he didn’t need to bother trying to wrap his head around anything. Honestly, his brain probably wasn’t going to allow something that strenuous at this point. Remembering once again that he was a villain, he promptly returned to the appropriate mindset. “Enough of this!” he shouted. “The reign of the two sisters ends now, wench!” With a mighty cry, he lunged towards Celestia, sword poised to strike. Placing all of his strength behind the blow, he swung down, aiming for Celestia’s head.
Celestia's ears perked up at the sudden outburst. "...Did he just call me a wench?"
As he rushed forward, Ahuizotl was already cackling a maniacal cackle. He felt the blow as it collided with Celestia’s skull, shaking his arm down to the bone. In his mind, he could already hear the princess’ final screams, her limp, defeated body falling to the ground miles below. The sound of the thousand years of chaos that was to come. Oh, it sounded delightful. It sounded like victory.
It sounded like... a very loud, very distinct, very not-threatening squeak.
What was supposed to be a sinister, victorious smirk plastered across Ahuizotl’s face was instead an expression of utter surprise. Once again, his mind threatened to enter some subconscious state of hibernation as it struggled to piece together the sight mere inches from his face. Not only was the princess still standing, but the sword didn’t even do what swords were generally meant to do, as in, cut things. Instead, it bounced off of Celestia’s head as though it were made of rubber.
With not even a single hair of her ethereal mane out of place, the sun princess slowly turned her attention back towards the frozen demigod.
He looked back down at the swords then back up at the princess’ unamused expression. Back down at the swords. Back up at the princess. Maybe if he used the other sword...
“Did you honestly just call me a wench?” Celestia asked.
Without warning, he swung again, somehow convincing himself that his last attempt was a fluke. That the princess deflected it with some kind of squeaky force-field.
Another direct hit, this one aimed at the neck. Again, it bounced off with a very loud squeak just like the first, the princess not so much as flinching. Not one to be easily defeated by something as flimsy as reality, Ahuizotl swung again and again and again.
Squeak!
Squeak!
Squeak!
It wasn’t long before Celestia stared down at the so-called demigod with an almost motherly sense of pity. Yet he still kept attacking her with the sword-that-wasn’t.
“Should we tell him that it is not working?” Luna asked in between squeaks.
“I’m certain he’ll figure it out eventually.”
Soon enough, Ahuizotl did end his futile attempts, if only because his arm grew tired. It may have been a useless sword, but it still had the same weight as one. “I don’t understand!” he said, exasperated.
“Clearly,” Celestia muttered.
“Why isn’t this working?! You should be dead right now!”
Funnily enough, his frustration only brought a confused frown to Celestia’s face. “Oh, you actually thought that they were real swords?”
“Yes!” Ahuizotl snapped.
The confusion on Celestia’s face only grew even more apparent. “Well, it would be very irresponsible for a parent to allow their fillies to play with real weaponry, wouldn’t you agree?”
Again, all of the anger flushed out of Ahuizotl’s face only to be replaced by dumbstruck disbelief. “Wh-what?” he asked, voice almost at a whimper.
“While it is true that our parents utilized very powerful weaponry to combat the dark forces that plagued Equestria in the far past, those weapons have long since been destroyed. These are merely replicas of those weapons. Replicas, mind you, that have been enchanted to be completely harmless.”
Ahuizotl felt more and more energy drain from his body with every enlightening word that left the princess’ mouth. “So... so these are just...”
“Toys,” Celestia calmly said. “They are just toys, Mr. Schnitzel. You just tried to attack a princess with what is essentially an exquisite piece of plastic. But don’t fret too much. I can think of quite a few instances more foolish than that, if it helps.”
“No, you can’t!” Luna chirped from the sidelines.
Celestia quickly hushed her. “Luna, not while I’m consoling the imbecile,” she muttered. Clearing her throat, she looked back at the dejected renegade. “Honestly, you raising this entire structure was a rather massive waste of time," she said, gesturing towards the tower itself. “This place was just meant to serve as a playground for Luna and I.”
It seemed that no matter how low Ahuizotl’s spirits were, he heard something that just made them plummet even lower. “What?!”
But where he felt despair, Daring Do was simply shocked. “No way,” she breathed out. “You mean your parents built this whole place just for you two to play around in?”
Celestia simply chuckled. “Well, our father did."
“What the hay was he doing? Compensating for something?”
Silence. Celestia simply coughed awkwardly into her hoof.
Seconds later, Daring’s eyes went wide with disturbing realization. “Oooh...”
Celestia slowly nodded. “Yes, our mother always did have... interesting stories to tell about him,” she said. “She did have a point, though. Father was always spoiling us.” She glanced up at the gaudy throne placed so prominently at the top of the tower. “He even gave us a little throne to play around in.”
“And to fight over!”
Before he could utter another, disappointed word, Ahuizotl felt something tug against one of the swords in his hands. Looking down at it, he saw that it was wrapped in a dark blue magical aura. He didn’t have a chance to fight back before it was yanked out of his grip, flying towards Luna as she jumped in front of Celestia.
“I am the Great and Powerful Schnitzel!” Luna exclaimed, levitating the sword in front of her, ready for combat. “The throne is mine! Your reign of benevolence has gone on far enough!”
Celestia only shook her head in that way that older sisters did, implying the question of how the two were even remotely related. “Luna, honestly. This isn’t exactly the best time to—”
Unfortunately, Luna wasn’t about to let her finish.
Squeak!
The elder alicorn somehow retained her composure even after taking a squeaky sword to the snout. “Please, Luna. The stability of Equestria is—”
Squeak!
“Can you at least wait fifteen more—”
Squeak!
Finally, Celestia only sighed. “If I play with you, will you start taking this a bit more seriously?”
Luna nodded.
With her own flash of magic, Celestia snatched the other sword out of Ahuizotl’s hand before shooting Luna her own playful smile. “Then prepare to submit to your master, knave!”
“Aaand that is definitely going into my next book,” Daring Do muttered, scribbling the lovely line into her notepad.
Both properly armed, Celestia and Luna battled it out as though it were nearly nineteen-hundred years ago, their clash causing the tower to explode in a wild, uncontained maelstrom of giggles and squeaky fury.
As they battled, Ahuizotl only stared on, equal parts perplexed, interested, and painfully, painfully confused. His brain had officially signed its resignation form, packed its suitcases, and caught the nearest train to the Land of Sensible Dilemmas, leaving him to piece together the peculiar sight for himself.
He wasn’t succeeding.
“Hey, that’s not fair!” Celestia called out through her laughter. “I caught your leg!”
“‘Tis but a flesh wound, sister!” Luna replied, fake-wobbling on her three good legs.
Ahuizotl—the most powerful one of his kind, left disarmed, distraught, and undoubtedly disrespected—finally realized where his place was in the world and promptly decided to cut his losses. While the princesses were distracted like a pair of foals with a ball of yarn, he quietly tiptoed towards the stairwell leading down and out of the tower.
Though just as it felt as though freedom was in reach, he suddenly found it much harder to move. Though it likely had a lot to do with the golden aura encompassing his vision, Ahuizotl preferred to believe that his shame was so strong that it made him stop in his tracks and levitate him back towards the sun princess to repent.
Demigods could only dream.
“Now, now,” Celestia said in her textbook motherly tone as she brought the demigod towards her. “As much fun as this lovey nostalgia trip was, I believe it’s time that we discussed some more pressing matters.” Celestia dropped her toy sword, that lovely smile of hers replaced by a chillingly fierce glare, unmoving and unblinking as she stared straight in Ahuizotl’s very being.
He could do little more than stare back, struggling to find the words to speak. “What is there to discuss?” he weakly asked. “I have done no harm.”
“Now I wouldn’t say that. Need I remind you of your grand entrance? Even ignoring the weather patterns that you have no doubt altered, not even I know how long it will take to bring the surrounding land back to its former state.”
“Y-yes, but—”
“Not to mention the massive tremors that must’ve been felt for miles. While I’m certain that more fortified cities such as Manehattan have sustained minimal damage at best, I shudder to think of what became of the smaller villages. Even Canterlot took a rather heavy hit; it will cost quite a bit to repair it all.”
“B-but it was all—”
“Oh, goodness, and that is to say nothing of the endless paperwork and questioning I’ll have to contend with. Ever since Twilight’s new crystal home sprouted from the ground, I can name dozens of individuals and organizations that would just love to know why a structure such as this was buried underground within dangerously close proximity to major cities. I’d be fortunate if this wasn’t an international incident. Ugh, I’m going to have to put all of my personal plans on hold. So, yes, thank you for that.”
“Well, I’m certain that a princess of your caliber could easily—”
“Oh, and you did call me a wench. A petty thing, perhaps, given that you also attacked me, but at this point, why not throw it onto the pile of charges?”
Ahuizotl wanted to say more in some pitiful attempt at saving himself, but any words that he wanted to speak were stuck behind the massive lump of fear in his throat. “S-so... what then?” he croaked out. He honestly had no clue how things could become any worse.
Celestia tapped a contemplative hoof on her chin. “Hmm. I believe... Yes. Five-hundred years in the dungeon should suffice.”
The demigod’s pupils were reduced to mere pinpricks. “What?!”
And things just became worse.
All the while, Daring Do just watched on, taken aback by the sudden sentencing, though not terribly distraught. Not much skin off of her back, honestly. She still had to figure out how she was going to fit all of this into her next book, though. Speaking of which, there was one thing that bothered her. “Er, wait. Princess Celestia!” she called, running up to the princess.
Celestia turned towards the young adventurer. “Yes, my little pony?”
“Um, not trying to vouch for Ahuizotl or anything, but... who am I gonna write ab—I mean!—compete with now? Adventuring gets kinda boring without someone to race against, ya know?” That, and her stories really, really needed an antagonist.
Celestia stared off into the distance as she pondered that. “I suppose you do have a point.” It wasn’t long before her eyes lit up. “Ah, yes!" Gesturing for Daring to lean in, Celestia spoke at a whisper. "Well, you certainly didn’t hear this from me, but there is supposedly a gang of diamond dogs digging around ancient Haygyptian catacombs. Perhaps there’s something of interest there?”
Daring couldn’t help but frown. “Diamond dogs, huh? Eh... better than nothing, I guess.” Well, she thought, I guess this is one way to wrap up the Ahuizotl-arc.
With that crisis resolved in a very... interesting way, Celestia started towards the tower steps with her new load in tow. "Now come along, Mr. Schnitzel. Your sentencing doesn't officially begin until you're nice and comfortable within a cell."
----
Six sets of frantic hooves galloped across the cracked and ruined planes near Canterlot. Ever since the tower’s sudden appearance, it was a mad dash for Twilight to gather the others and race towards the disturbance before things could get any more out of hoof, if that was even possible. A sense of unease weighed down heavily upon all of them, and only grew worse as they neared the massive monstrosity.
“Who do ya think’s responsible?” Applejack asked. “Discord?”
Twilight quickly shook her head. “No. As destructive as this is, this is still far too... not chaotic for him.”
“I just hope we aren’t too late,” Rarity said.
Rainbow could only stare up at the mess that became of the sky. “Aw, man,” she moaned. “It’s gonna take forever for the weather team to fix the clouds here.” Five pairs of annoyed eyes immediately snapped on the pegasus. “What?”
Shaking her head, Twilight refocused on the task as hoof. Even though it felt like they all arrived as quickly as they could, it still felt like it took far too long. Thankfully, an entrance into the massive structure lay there for them, clear as day. They just needed to figure out who was behind it all.
Before they could reach it, however, they all skidded to an immediate stop when they spotted figures exiting out of that very same entrance. Whatever apprehension they felt, though, it was quickly replaced by relief when they spotted Celestia and Luna. However, they were still a bit confused by the two other figures with them, specifically, the all too familiar demigod floating in Celestia’s magic.
“Ahuizotl?” Twilight asked, justifiably confused.
But where she felt confusion, Pinkie Pie felt joy at seeing the old chap. “Oh, hi, Mr. Schnitzel!” she chirped.
Of course, Rainbow Dash only had her eyes on one pony in particular, lighting up as soon as she saw her. “Hey, Daring Do!”
Before the adventurer could even get through her required eye roll, Rainbow was already in her face, practically salivating as she assaulted Daring’s senses.
“Aw, man, I bet you were here from the very start, weren’t you? And Ahuizotl was all like, ‘You won’t stop me this time, Ms. Do!’ and you were like, ‘That’s where you’re wrong!’ and you had this massive fight, but—oh no!—the big baddy manages to activate... whatever the hay this thing is, but you stayed totally cool and chill and managed to whip his butt, and I bet it was all so... awesome! Well, am I right? Am I? Am I?!”
Daring opened her mouth to answer, but her opportunistic side immediately took hold, twisting her mouth into a sly smile. “Uh, yeah. Yeah,” she quickly said. “You’re totally right. But, uh, could you do me a favor?” Daring pulled out a notepad and pencil from underneath her hat. “Could you say all of that again, and in more detail?”
As Celestia continued on with her newfound prisoner, Ahuizotl still couldn’t take a hint and just stay quiet. “Are you certain that five-hundred years isn’t a bit... harsh?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Celestia calmly replied. “Couldn’t I say the same about wanting to slay two of Equestria’s princesses?” Ahuizotl, wisely, didn’t respond to that. “Besides, you’ve been around for quite some time. Five-hundred years should be nothing to you.”
“Princess Celestia!”
Celestia slowed to a stop as Twilight ran up to her. “Ah, hello, Twilight.”
“We all came as quickly as we could! What... what happened here? And what’s Ahuizotl got to do with it?”
Celestia’s lips stretched into a playful smile. “Oh, well, he and I shared some words, one of us did something that they now regret, and now he’s going to spend some time thinking about what he’s done. Hardly anything unusual.” Said the princess standing right in front of a massive crime against nature.
Twilight couldn’t say that she exactly understood what that was supposed to mean, but she assumed that things were under control. “So, do you need us for... anything?”
Celestia stewed on that for a moment. “Hmm... Nothing in particular, no. Though I do suppose you could lower this tower while I tend to Schnitzel. Luna can help you with that.”
Twilight looked over towards the moon princess only to find her playing with two oddly squeaky swords floating in her magic. She looked back towards Celestia, who was already continuing towards Canterlot.
“Did... she call him ‘Schnitzel’?”
As the young alicorn stared at Celestia, finally realizing that they were all about thirty minutes too late for whatever just happened, Applejack walked up next to her.
“Applejack,” Twilight calmly called.
“Yeah?”
“I’m curious. What day is it?”
“Er, Tuesday, I reckon.”
A short pause.
“...Of course it is.”
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Very Amusing! I loved it.
Mr.Schnitzel.
@FoughtDragon01...
An entertaining read, have a well-earned Like.
*squeak*
Celestia obviously hasn't kept up with the times. The Galactic Armaments are too fabulous to be compared to plastic swords. No, the princess has apparently not heard of the greatest and most magnificent technological advancement in toy weaponry since two kids started beating each other with sticks:
promausa.com/admin/pictures/600_1253001368.jpg
Behold its glory and weep.
Was that a True Blood reference I spotted?
5218212
Oh, lawdy! Celestia would flip out if she discovered those things. I don't even want to imagine how she'd react after discovering the Torrential Cannons.
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120817020015/nerf/images/b/b9/Super_soaker_50.jpg
Warfare would never be the same...
5218218
Unfortunately, no. Just another happy coincidence that further reinforces my inability to think of anything original. Phooie.
...son of a Checkow gun...
I almost feel pity for poor Ahu... Aku... Ahiz... Schnitzel.
Poor guy
Schnitzel is now a person. Well he was always a person in Marzipan City, but now he is a person in Equestria too. Rahda radah.
5218271 LARPers Unite!
I loved that. It really puts Ahuizotl in his place. He goes for ultimate power and completely forgets about the two gods on earth (I think it implies the godhood of the princesses), while still saying that he's a demigod.
His reaction was hilarious. Loved this story.
-Spirit
5219444
Ah, can you really blame him, though? It's like forgetting your keys. It's one of those little things that just sorta slips the mind until it's a smidgen too late. Next thing you know, you're locked out of your house or spending the night in jail, etc. The results can really vary.
Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
5219527 It was a great story. Thank you for writing it.
...I'm currently at a loss of words to express how I feel about this, but just know that that epic battle of squeaky goodness may very well be the greatest thing ever.
Given that the plot of "Daring Don't" would've had some kind of effect on the sun, I get the feeling that something similar would've happened there had
SchnitzelAhuizotl been successful.In any case, a hilarious story. I quite liked how Luna wasn't even pretending to take it seriously. She saves her war face for actual threats.
Thank you for this.
OMG MY SIDES
Poor Ahuiz- I mean Schnitzel.
Dat sum high quality trainwreck.
Okay this just made my night..... i think I came close to literally splitting my sides laughing too many times to count in this one.
The levels of life-completedness are overly complete. Thanks for the Schnitzel.
*Squeak*
It would be interesting to see how things had gone if the Galactic Armaments had been real. Probably much the same.
Luna is the queen of the Playground!
Brilliant!
It does, in fact, make a sort of sense as to why Schnitzel generally is allowed to go about his business... He doesn't even get on the Princess threat radar...!
5221723
Ha! He affectionately refers to it as 'Stealth Mode'. Flies so low on the radar, he may as well be catching the subway.
I loved the fact that a truly imposing crystal tower and legendary weapons of "Great and Terrible Power"
were the playground and toys of Tia and Lulu. This story really made my day! Thanks for giving us such a funny and wonderful story. 
Oh my... that was quite lovely XD
Poor Twilight... I think her brain just noped out of there
What a beautiful resolution. Too many people write that princesses are weak and in danger. We need more stories like this, both in Fimfiction and in the TV show itself, that demonstrate why the Princesses rule.
[youtube=_5KUxx2wZX4]
5222229
Yep. This is definitely one of my favorite comments so far. Thank you for that.
5222029
5222209
Glad that you all enjoyed it!
Hilarious story, really enjoyed Schnitzel's decent into hell.
5218271
derpicdn.net/img/2012/6/27/22906/medium.png
what the fuck am I on tonight!?!?!?
CURSE YOU LUNGS!!!!
Also is Tuesday like the weird day of the month for equestria? Because for me... Tuesdays are the weird days too...
5222514
...I haven't the slightest damned clue, but I'd like some so I can keep writing stuff like this.
EDIT: Oh, crap. This is featured? Really?
...
Really?! Awesome! Thank you so much, everyone!
Loved the story, though I was a tad disappointed that, after all the trainwreck metaphors, Discord didn't come along and literally hit Schnitzel with a train.
5222514 I dunno, but can I have some?
I thought that was Squirrel for "Have a new acorn"...
5222576 5222596 you guys can have some!
if only i knew what exactly it was 
it was possibly playing Borderlands the Pre Sequel with my best friends and being complete lunatics when we're not fighting things
gawd i gotta play with them more often... gets me out of my boredom easily
Have a mustache.
Have some more.
Poor Ahuizotl, I hope Daring writes this out of the book.
Could those swords be used to talk to squirrels?
5218212
Cosmic deities go one better on that.
media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b7/30/ce/b730ce74b3a7cad81b9a8963791ee2c4.jpg
Also, let's review something important here.
This is a ring tower generally related to the Sun in MLP.
static1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131209123258/mlp/images/8/82/Rainbow_and_Daring_lifting_final_ring_S4E04.png
This is also a ring tower. They are generally related to babies, who play with them and tend to nom on the rings, cause it feels good when teething.
monkeypalmtree.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/great-gizmos-six-ring-tower-stacking-toy1.gif
The near-invulnerable golden rings, ladies and gents were Alicorn Baby Celestia's Tower Of Teething Tot Toy.
Ahuizotl, Ahuizotl, Ahuizotl... I almost pity you, but getting so humiliated and dropped from archvillian to "naughty doggie" is too funny!
I read this during school. While people were taking a test. I laughed sooo hard.
I got in trouble.
I was worth it!
It's been way too long since I've read a story that made me laugh like this one. And after a rotten start to the day this perked me right up! Well deserved fav and like for you good sir!
5222901
media.giphy.com/media/i9prKwN2CBHWg/giphy.gif
It all makes sense now...
5222942
Well, I'm always more than glad to help brighten up someone's day. Thanks for reading!
I haven't laughed this hard of a one-shot fanfic in a long time! I thoroughly enjoyed that good sir!
Poor Schnitzel XD... The next daring do book is going to be a best seller... Daring Do and the Rubber Swords
Twilight: "...I hate Tuesdays."