• Member Since 31st Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen August 24th

Piquo Pie


I love psychology and writing. I tend to write origional/experimental stories. I am the head of the School for New Writers and the EFNW writing track. My new favorite quote is "Why so ˈsir-ē-əs?"

E
Source

One story to make you laugh,
a little random,
made for fun.

The lie.

One story to make you shiver,
a little dark,
made for reasons unknown.

There will never be another chapter for I have awoken.

Two stories in one. A challenge, an experiment.

For I am The Hunger in the Void.

Big thanks to Winston and Abcron for edits.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 36 )

I would give you more upvotes but I fear displeasing the King In Purple.

6243731
Oh good. I wasn't sure if it would work.

You dare doubt me?

Edit: For those reading the comments by oldest first note that due to complex formatting issues I had to work with editors on the fimfic version rather than the initial gdocs version. Some chose to comment rather than message, which is fine but I wanted you to know.

I had fun reading the story a second time.

Comment posted by Winston deleted Jul 31st, 2015
Comment posted by Winston deleted Jul 31st, 2015

So, with some time to think about this...

I think it works, although I also think that the last line in the text of the story ("Twilight Sparkle had entered… Twilight’s Zone") comes off as too much of a groan-worthy pun to work well in in the horror aspect. That could just be cut and I think the story would be stronger with the last line being the one about Twilight spinning the spoons.

The story overall seems like a good balance for what you've said you're trying to do. It's subtle enough as horror to not really register during a first reading. There's a sense of something indefinably sinister about lost time and the mysterious appearance of the spoon, and a just-plausible explanation for it that feels like it may or may not be true. It all sort of slides under the comedy aspect brought in with Pinkie Pie until the very end where the mention of Twilight spinning the spoons and then the author's note pops it back up into prominence again.

I think that the text in the author's note might be able to be incorporated into a separate last line of text in the story itself, differentiated in some way from the main body. It's a difficult call, though. Having it be an author's note feels almost a little too 'meta' in terms of breaking immersion, but it's on that line where I can't really quite tell, and it might work well for some readers. Maybe that in itself it a good sign that it has the kind of power to unsettle that you're looking for, I don't know.

6246341

There are some things that need touching up on between what you and Abcron have pointed out. As for the note, I left it as a note so that people will see it after the last few lines of text, otherwise they might miss it. It also extends a bit into the real world which is meta but that could add to the effect if I add a bit to the horror, and I think I can do that now.

6246341

Is that better? I touched up everything so let me know.

Comment posted by Winston deleted Jul 31st, 2015

Due to complex formatting issues I had to work with editors on the fimfic version rather than the initial gdocs version. Some chose to comment below rather than message, which is fine but I wanted those reading comments to know that is largely what is below.

So are there just supposed to be only chapter or are you planning on doing more?

:rainbowderp: That was a trip. An interesting experiment.

I confess I didn't read it a second time, just read through the new stuff that highlighting revealed. That was certainly a creepy twist worthy of the Twilight Zone. Didn't quite make a lot of sense, since, well, if Twilight was hypnotized already, why did the thing need her to do it twice? Her power... protected her, but then she lost the power, but then the thing wants to feed on her power? I did enjoy the implication this thing could control Pinkie. A bit of a dark side to her abilities she isn't aware of.

6253351

For now just the one but its is worth two reads.

Wat. Great read!

Wow, that. Was. AWESOME! Rainbow asked how did you make those hidden sentences... Hidden?

6253801
There is a button to modify text that is a color wheel. I set them to white.

I greatly enjoyed that.

That's not a format that I can recall seeing before, and it really works. And extending it to the author's notes, very clever. I've seen the trick once before now, but it was just a one-off gag. This story shows its potential though.

I have to admit that the first story was just sort of random. Twilight finds a spoon, freaks out, gets over it. But the second story, now that was creepy. I've always thought horror was at its best when it employed subtlety, and this story is just more evidence of that. Suddenly everything makes a terrifying sense. I love it.

Suddenly, Twilight's ascent is very, very ominous.

If you ever have the urge to write another dual story, I'd say follow it.

6254877

We appreciate the feedback.

We'll, I tend to try a lot of experimental stuff, though nothing else so experimental as this. But if it gains any popularity I'll consider it, though I have been busting my but promoting it and it's not really paid off. Really I am getting back into things after loosing some months with 60 hour weeks organizing for Everfree Northwest and hand 2 other stories that should come out soon.

CCC

...well, that is an interesting experimental story...

Howdy! Decided to take a break from slaying my own writing demons to check out this experiment of yours. I gotta say, I've never seen anything like this either. This is a really cool mechanic, one that I think could drive some really cool stories. I might be kicking around one of my own. :pinkiecrazy:

Despite the cool format, the execution was a little rough for me. Just reading it straight, I found the story a little lackluster - a cool idea, but one with little action, where the problem is resolved without anyone really having to do anything. That's not to say it was bad. I enjoyed the conversations and mystery. It just felt like the story as it first appears didn't really build to anything. The second read was a lot more ominous, which was great, but after a while I felt like the extra sections got repetitive because they didn't really lead anywhere and were really just repeating themselves. Much like King Sombra spending most of his time just hanging out outside the city - it has potential for something, but potential in itself doesn't remain threatening once you're exposed to it enough.

This was definitely an interesting experiment. I hope to see you, and anyone else, use it in the future.

6265215 I pretty much feel the same way. The story doesn't do much for me at all on the first read if I ignore the "hidden" text. (FYI, it's not hidden if you use a dark background setting on FIMFic.) The full reading is "ominous" but only in a mood/aesthetic sense. It doesn't really feel like it goes anywhere or reveals anything more than "a dark force" being there.

That said, you made better use of the hidden-text mechanic than most. It definitely works for this sort of extra-planar commentary from a non-corporeal entity, rather than just meta-jokes from the author or stuff like that where I've seen it used before.

Now, you mention the first person to find EIGHT hidden things gets pre-reading? I must confess I only find the hidden text. I tried to look for first-letter-of-sentence or first-letter-of-line patterns, but didn't find anything. Likewise, the weird capitalization mix in the latter part... I figured there'd be something, but I don't see any words I recognize. So if there really are lots of hidden things, then I'm just missing them.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Including it in the author's note was a little goofy. I think this works, though. My big question is, does it still work if your reader uses the dark site theme? (Wait, is that even a thing now?)

6332188

Apparently it does not work with the dark site theme. I didn't even know about that till people were like. Oops, doesn't work.

6332425 It worked for me. (Actually, it works with every theme except the light one.)

6332615 (Actually, correction. It does not work with Princess Celestia. Who would use a format where the texts shifts on you beats me, though.)

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

6332425
I can't even find the damn thing now. :|

OK, so I read the hidden parts along with the rest of the story at first, because I'm bad, and I use the Ultra Dark theme because it's less of a strain on my eyes. Certainly clever.

I'm not fond of reading on monitors, but I did it for this and was mostly satisfied. The OC is good value, in particular, and it's one of the more interesting ideas for a whitespace fic I've read. The short description seriously needs a proofread, though... unless that in itself is part of the point! Gets a like from me, at any rate.

I'm assuming the A/N thing about their being eight hidden things was also just there to mess with us. If we were really supposed to figure them out, you clearly made it stupidly hard to do so! :rainbowwild:

7815274

Oh gosh, it's been so long.

There is more whitespace in the description. I'm glad you liked it.

7822792 Yeah, I saw the extra whitespave stuff in the long description. I meant the short one, the one you see when a chapter is open. That has typos in, like "insain". Unless that's also part of the point!

7823069

Nope. just missed it. TY.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!