• Member Since 30th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen Jul 3rd, 2019

Gamers Dream


Just a Canadian gamer girl with nothin' better to do.

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Twilight Sparkle has been one of the leading actresses in the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic for three long years. She has been the star and the off stage diva, and after all of that work, Twilight believes it is about time her character got a royal upgrade. Keeping her idea in thought, she decides to go to the show director in hopes of her idea becoming a big hit.

Note

If there are any grammar or spelling errors, please point them out in the comments. I don't mind fixing my mistakes. Also, I didn't draw the cover image.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

This story has been edited well, you don't seem to have too many spelling or gramatical errors, but I would work on deleting or rewording unneccisary or repeated words. You have a lot of them.

For example: Saying "I am very parched" after you just said "Twilight's throat was parched", feels awkward, especially when you just used the term parched, especially especially when you're not presenting any new information, especially especially especially when you could just as easily have Twilight say "I'm thirsty".

Another example: "I will Twilight, I will get you the best of water" fells awkward, clumsy, and unnecessary. It's not wrong, per say, but when was the last time you heard anybody, or anypony, speak that way? Probably never. Since Twilight just told him what she wanted, it would be just as easy, and even more believable, for Swampy to say "Yes ma'am," and scurry away.

Even another example: "The green stallion known as Swampy" tells us nothing. You already told us he was green. It's heavily implied his name is Swampy. Even if you don't feel comfortable using the guys name and continuing, then the most you need here is "The stallion, Swampy". No more.

Those are just a few examples of places you could make this story less . . . awkward. Again, none of it was wrong, and you show promise as a writer, but this story definitely needs a reread.

5245160

Thank you for your edit on the story. And I do believe you are correct, thank-you.

:)

5245195

No problem; happy to help!

Random question unrelated to the story itself, but why was this put in the balloon ponies group?

5248777

Did I misplace it? I thought the group took general stories, if so I do apologize, I am still a tad bit new.

5248873

Well as far as I can tell, the story doesn't seem to involve the unicorn who plays Twilight becoming a balloon of any sort, which is kinda the point of a group called Balloon Ponies. I might suggest something like the Writer's group for a more accurate placement.

5249291

Well I deleted it, sorry for the trouble. ^^'

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