• Member Since 6th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen February 10th

Digital Ink

Comments ( 15 )

Well Chapter one is now easier to read. Good for people who are willing to give it a try.

so...is this gonna be finished?

7485482 Eventually. Kinda rushed into this without too much of a plan.

7496844 I know how that feels; it's actually a pretty big reason why recent progress on my own Fo:E story has been sluggish, at best. :facehoof:

Also, I liked this opening. Good job of setting everything up.

7776301 Check out my lates blog post :raritywink:

Doesn't he need to take some food and water? There's not really any point in a gun if you starve to death... He has no idea how long it will be before he gets to a town, doesn't seem as if he would have money to buy food when he even got to one...

7790958 I didn't have him take food on purpose, as he was in so much of a rush it just slipped his mind. It'll come into play soon.

Oh, I see! Well I can't wait to find out how that turns out!:pinkiehappy:

Good chapter! I like this story. Little more details in combat scenes would be good. But overall not bad. Simple. And please let it be not epic in future. Without great ancient allien mystical enemies from out of ass. :pinkiehappy:

Your introduction scene is strong and concise. For readers who have already read ahead in the story, the rising boiler pressure is a simple, effective hint at what is to come. It's nice to see the story open up immediately on the protagonist's character arc. Ember's dialogue with Backdraft also subtly plays into the same theme as the boiler pressure.

“I don’t know. I think that we forget where things go after a long time.” I wasn’t sure how to word it... How to word giving up on those that guided the way everypony lived, night and day. “But don’t worry, okay? It’s not like we lost something huge though.”

The conversations play out to my liking. No need to wax philosophical on something when you can explain it in a way a five year old can understand. Those lines above are a winner.

the heterochromatic blue and red of his irises

Well, I suppose if the kid gets lost, it will not be hard to ask around for sightings.

Turning a valve, hot steaming water shot out of the shower head, quickly warming up the washroom. Turning a second valve, the water cooled down to a good warm temperature.

You sure are doing your best to squeeze the motifs as frequently into this chapter as discreetly possible.

I followed Carbon Cap out of the lounge and into the hallway. In a matter of minutes we were through the door of her apartment and into her bedroom. In a matter of seconds we were tangled up underneath her sheets.

As Ember himself said, they were the best of friends and loyal to one another. Hence why Ember just ups and lets his best friend get pulled by a lady who just demonstrated a sadistic side. Just a little weird considering that Ember seemed very, very preoccupied with Backdraft's well-being until this point. It makes sense, but it does not bode well for his character. Oh well, the protagonist was in sore need of some imperfections.

“I’m going to the Orchard,” I called back over my shoulder. Backdraft’s grin disappeared.

Very subtle. It helps make their relationship that much more organic.

Your first chapter is a good contender for the best introduction I have read out of this fandom. The best qualities are the straight, brisk pacing, subtle infusion of motifs, organic characterization (for the most part, since I have no idea what Carbon should be except a lover), and an impressive scene between Charcoal and Ember. I am definitely invested in seeing where this story will go.

I'm glad you like it! I really hope the quality holds up throughout the whole story.

Good chapter! :twilightsmile: Fuckin half slavers. :trixieshiftright:

Oh, new chapter! Good. Improve a writing rate a little maybe.:twilightsmile:

Login or register to comment