• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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61: General Derpital

“I think you’ve got a magical illness.”

Karyn blinked, took a deep breath, and leaned in closer to Derpy’s face, slowly so as not to accidentally head-butt her. The implications of her conclusion hadn’t hit her yet, but one thing stood out that she just had to ask about.

“Why did you say it twice?”

“You never do that?” asked Derpy. “Say something dramatic and then say it again as though anyone listening had been away a while? I think that Twilight taught me that speaking technique after she used it when she thought Zecora was making Apple Bloom soup.”

Karyn decided that she was in no shape to argue with Derpy’s silliness. “It might be Twilight or Zecora that we need right now. If I have a magical illness, I might spread it around the hospital.”

“You’re right. Let’s go to Equestria.”

“How are we going to do that? I can’t very well get off the bed and mount a flying invisible pony before disappearing myself. Everyone would see.”

Derpy thought for a while. “What if you drape your arm over me, and I use the spell, then I flip you onto my back quickly before you fall? Then, once we’ve cured you, we position you in the exact same way and return here with no time having passed?”

“Do you trust yourself to catch me?”

“I do, normally. But I’m not sure that you’d want that in the state you’re in.”

“You’re being sensible,” said Karyn. “I appreciate that. But we’ve got to figure out a way out of here.”

Derpy didn’t respond, and with no visual cues to follow, Karyn couldn’t tell if she was thinking it over or just giving up. From behind her she heard a voice.

“And how are we feeling? Could you turn over and sit up, miss?”

She turned to see a nurse standing over her, and again had to credit Derpy for being on the ball and hushing when the time was right.

“Sorry about that.” An idea hit her. “Do you think I could use the bathroom? I really need to go bad.”

“You should have a bedpan. Just go ahead and relieve yourself.”

“I see. Thanks.”

The nurse ran a few more checks and then left. “Well, that got us nowhere,” she said. “If we just had a single moment of privacy, we could get out of here.”

Derpy looked around the intensive care unit. “There’s a door over there. The room is dark. I bet if we could get there we would have the time.”

“It’s a supply closet. Why would I get out of bed to go to a supply closet?”

“You’re right. There’s only one thing I can think of. Did that nurse really give you a bedpan?”

Karyn shifted uncomfortably. “I think so.”

“All right. Be ready to move.”

“Why? What are you doing? Derpy!”

Karyn felt something hard and metallic being pulled from underneath her. Partially concealed by invisible Derpy, she watched the streak of silver metal move surreptitiously across the room, then get tossed against the wall. Every head, with the exception of a few that were sedated, turned toward the clang.

Still in pain, she slid out from underneath the covers, gathering the billowy hospital gown around her, and moved toward the supply closet. Halfway there, she felt the support of a hoof. As the nurses entered and inquired as to who threw the bedpan, she shut the door.

“OK, Karyn. Just hang on. We’re going to get you cured.”

“Great, so I can come back here and now and get yelled at for throwing my bedpan.”

She was upset, but threw her leg over Derpy and leaned on her neck. They escaped to Equestria.

“All right, now. We’re going to get you better.”

When Derpy didn’t hear Karyn respond, she turned her head to look. She saw Karyn’s eyes glazing over and her head slumping down to crash onto Derpy’s neck. This time, the magic shooting out of her mouth and eyes was clearly visible.

“Hey, stay with me, Karyn! Don’t leave me now.”

Before she could think about a full cure, she had to get Karyn back to where she had been before they left Earth. She went into a full dive toward the ground and parked herself in front of the hospital. Galloping through the front doors, she cried, “Hey! I need some help down here!”

A unicorn doctor rushed up. “What’s the problem?”

“My friend, Karyn. She has some kind of magical disease. It’s causing her to burn up. You have to bring down the fever so I can get somepony to find a cure.”

“What is she?”

“She’s a human, from an alternate dimension called Earth. Please hurry. I don’t know what kind of damage it’s doing.”

The doctor was sweating. “I don’t know that I’m supposed to be working on creatures who aren’t Equestrian. What if something goes wrong?”

Derpy grabbed him by the fur where his collar would be and pulled him close. “Listen! Something’s already gone wrong, got it? So just use whatever skills you would use to bring down a fever in a pony and get her better. OK?”

Cowed by her rage, the doctor floated Karyn off of Derpy’s back and onto a bed in a nearby room. Derpy paced outside as he administered pills and spells. A few minutes later he walked out.

“She’s up and talking again,” he said. “But if you want me to try to figure out what’s wrong with her—“

“Don’t worry,” Derpy interrupted. “I won’t make you do anything you’re not supposed to. I know Twilight Sparkle and all the big names and they will take care of her.” She took a deep breath. “Look, I’m sorry for losing my temper, and I don’t want to insult your skills. I’m just real scared for my friend.”

Karyn walked out, holding onto the door jamb for support. “That’s nice of you to say, Derpy. And thank you, Doctor.”

Derpy swooped in and picked her up. “You just lean on me all you want. Don’t strain yourself. Maybe the change between worlds set you off again, but just keep breathing.”

She left the hospital. As gently as she could fly, Derpy wound her way to the library. Twilight opened the door herself.

“Derpy! And Karyn? Is anything wrong?”

“Twilight, I’m sure you’re busy with all sorts of important princess-librarian stuff, but Karyn has some kind of magical sickness that’s making her go delirious, spike fevers, and shoot sparkles out of her mouth. I took her to the doctor, but you know more than anypony.”

“I’m not that smart.”

Karyn was, perhaps, feeling more energetic, because she said, “Don’t sell yourself short. I haven’t felt as assured of recovery as I am now.”

“Well, there’s no sense in dithering. Open your mouth and say,” she finished with a magical pulse of her horn, and Karyn wasn’t sure if she was joking or not. Neither was Derpy.

“What I’m worried about,” said Derpy, “is that it’s something I did, or something inherent in Equestria itself, like magical radiation or something.”

“What’s ‘radiation’?” asked Twilight.

“It’s a thing they have on Earth, that can make them sick.” Derpy reflected that, on some subjects, it might be that she knew better than Twilight.

“You can close your mouth.” Twilight was focused back on Karyn. “Well, I believe I can stop the fevers with a curative spell I know. Probably the same one the doctor at the hospital used.”

“Oh, wonderful!”

“But I don’t know what’s going wrong, so it would require constant repeated treatment.”

Karyn leaned back. “Great. I’m going to need magical dialysis now.”

Again Twilight looked confused. “Whatever that is. But let me start researching.” She floated down dozens of books, mostly from one section of the library that Karyn assumed had books on anatomy and medicine.

Karyn reflected that, at least in the hospital, she got to watch other patients being attended to, and there was a TV, even if it wasn’t showing anything good. All she could do in Twilight’s library was to watch her read and count the seconds before she would flip a page or discard a book for another.

Desperate for anything to break the boredom, she asked, “Where’s Spike?”

Without looking up, Twilight said, “Spike? He’s away in the Crystal Empire.” She went right back to reading.

Even Derpy picked up on the anxious mood and just let Twilight work. She cast some spells that neither Derpy nor Karyn could understand the purpose of. As the time wore on, the cycle of books continued faster, until at last Twilight threw up her hooves and shoved the books aside. “This is so frustrating! I can’t even identify the kind of magic that’s infecting you. It’s not unicorn magic or pegasus magic or zebra magic or anything else I know of!”

“So what do we do?” asked Derpy.

“There’s only one thing we can do. Find more books.”

“And where do we find them?”

“At the largest library in Equestria. The one in the Crystal Empire.”

Despite the tension, all Karyn thought to say was, “So there’s a chance I’ll run into Spike after all.”

***

In her weakened condition, Karyn couldn’t even walk to the train station, but Derpy was willing to carry her all the way. Twilight’s credentials as a princess got them a bedroom, and the two mares sat in the seats after pulling down the bed for Karyn.

Twilight looked out the window, deep in thought. “I wonder if we haven’t been going about this the wrong way. I’ve assumed that, as a human, you couldn’t tell me about your symptoms, because you wouldn’t know about magical illnesses. But try to explain how it feels before the fevers hit.”

Karyn sat up. “It feels like…have you ever had your hoof fall asleep?”

“No,” said Twilight.

“All the time,” said Derpy.

“It kind of feels like that, all over my body. Like I’m supposed to move or stretch or something, but I don’t have the muscle to do it with.”

Twilight went back to staring. “I wonder…I hope I’m wrong.”

The train sped north. Karyn recalled the first time she had taken this trip for Twilight, and the way that the towns thinned and the snow line began. She reached over and cracked the window.

“Oh, the cold air feels so good. It’s really stuffy in here.”

Derpy and Twilight looked at each other and shook their heads. They thought it was cold.

“Hey, Karyn,” said Twilight, “Why don’t you lie down and try to sleep?”

“I’m not really tired.”

Derpy draped a wing over her. “Twilight’s right. If nothing else, you can sleep through the next fever and the pain.”

“Here, I’ll help you,” said Twilight.

She cast a spell, and Karyn did feel sleepy. A minute later, she was out.

“What are you thinking?” asked Derpy.

“We’re getting close to the Crystal Empire, one of the most magical places in all of Equestria. There’s no reason that the cold would make her feel better, but maybe the magic is helping her. Now, the Empire library has just about every book known to pony, but I can’t help feeling we’re entering new territory here, something that’s not written in a book. Yet. I may wind up writing one.”

Karyn was allowed to sleep until the train pulled into the station. When she finally came to, there was another pony in the room.

Derpy trotted over to her. “Karyn, this is Princess Cadance. She’s agreed to watch you and be prepared to stop a fever while Twilight does more research in the library.”

“Oh, my. I don’t need to take up the time of a princess just to watch me.”

“Nonsense,” said Cadance. “It’s I who should thank you. My first calling is as a foalsitter, and it gives me a chance to get away from princessing for a while.”

Karyn still felt that she was being overly pampered, but her nap had not restored her health, and she was still sparking and feeling warm.

“I can understand that feeling. It must be difficult to have made the leap from foalsitter to princess all at once.”

“It is a lot of responsibility, but not as much as you think. The reason that, in Equestria, becoming an alicorn makes you fit to rule isn’t the magic power you get. It’s getting everypony to trust you. So much of the job is making sure I don’t betray anypony’s trust.”

“That does sound difficult,” said Karyn. “I know that Derpy and I are both glad we’re not royalty.”

Derpy was going to agree, when a crystal pony knocked on the door and informed Princess Cadance that her appointment had arrived.

“There is, however, the unfortunate task of diplomacy,” she said to Karyn, then returned to the attendant. “Send her in.”

Karyn laid her head back and tried to not be sick while Cadance took care of her important business. She heard the kind princess tell her guest about the care that she was giving, then heard the response. “Karyn is here? Let me see her at once!”

She sat up and spoke in chorus with Derpy. “Queen Chrysalis!”

“Queen Karyn. Cadance tells me that you are ill. My condolences.”

Derpy got up. “What are you doing here?”

Chrysalis paused to express contempt. “If you recall, when we last met, the vicissitudes of politics required me to relocate my hive here in the vicinity of the Crystal Heart. I have been doing so and engaging in dialogue with Princess Cadance over the minutiae of the transition.”

Derpy bristled at what, to her, was Chrysalis deliberately talking down to her. She flapped her wings aggressively. “You shouldn’t be here. Whatever you’re doing with your buggies isn’t as important right now as the fact that Karyn’s magically sick. She needs Cadance to keep her attention on her while Twilight figures out a cure.”

“If my memory serves me right, you are a carrier of letters, yes?”

“That’s right.”

Chrysalis flashed her fangs. “Then you are a worker. If we queens allow you to remain present, you should keep silent.”

Derpy’s anger was assuaged by remembering that, at their last meeting, Chrysalis had indeed appointed Karyn an honorary changeling queen.

“She’s here as my guest,” said Cadance.

Karyn coughed more sparks. “Please, everypony. Stop fighting.”

Chrysalis watched the sparks and then approached Karyn. “That is indeed a magical illness you have. I wonder why. Have you attempted any unusual transformations lately?”

“I haven’t been transformed ever. Except when Princess Celestia switched me with Derpy once. But that was more of a mind-switch than a transformation.”

“What?! No wonder your health is failing. A changeling must transform or she will suffer buildups that are quite painful.”

Karyn sat up, ignoring all her symptoms, and spoke forcefully to Chrysalis. “What are you talking about? I’m not a changeling!”

“Were you not listening at our last meeting when I appointed you a queen?”

“Yes, an honorary queen.”

“Precisely,” said Chrysalis. “Meaning that you do not watch over a hive of your own. You merely have the powers of the changeling. I never figured you to be so dense as to not use them.”

“Then does that mean I have to feed on love as well?”

Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. “Child, does the word ‘honorary’ have a different meaning in your language? You get all the honors of being a changeling queen without any of the accompanying responsibility. But if you do not exercise your powers, the excess of magical energy will cause the symptoms you are seeing now.”

Karyn went wide-eyed. Momentarily speechless, Derpy flew between her and Chrysalis. “Listen, stop talking down to her! You do that to everypony and they don’t deserve it! I was there and you never said anything about giving her any kind of magic power. If she didn’t understand, it’s your fault for not explaining. Not to mention that she would have never taken them had she known. Karyn’s very sensitive about becoming too Equestrian. I remember when she got her cut—well, that was a private moment, but the point is that she’s a human, through and through, and she likes it!”

For the first time, Karyn saw Queen Chrysalis’s sang-froid completely shatter. She had seen her show deference to Celestia and to Twilight when she thought her safety and her duty to the hive were in jeopardy, and her tone was gentler with Karyn herself since she considered them of equal rank. But it was clearly unprecedented that any creature had ever talked back to the queen in the name of another, and that Chrysalis had considered that she might be wrong.

But she wanted to be more practical. “Queen Chrysalis, are you saying that if I use these powers, I won’t be sick?”

“Yes. It doesn’t have to be frequent, but I certainly wouldn’t go several months without altering my form, as you have.”

“And how do I alter my form?”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “What are you? A new hatchling? You just do it!”

Perhaps inspired by Derpy’s defiance, or maybe because it was the only reference Karyn had for being someone else, but she flashed back to when she had been in Derpy’s body, and tried to recreate the feeling.

It was almost immediate. From her head and her chest it felt like fluid was collecting and coming out of her mouth. She was surrounded by green light, which soon dissipated. A duplicate of Derpy stood in the room. “You’re just lucky that I have experience being Derpy, or I would never have done this. Then I’d be dying and it would be all your fault!”

“Ugh. Please change back. One of the gray worker is too much to handle.”

Karyn laughed.

“How are you feeling?” asked Cadance.

“She’ll be quite all right,” answered Chrysalis. “Think no more of it.”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

Twilight burst into the room. “Karyn! I tnink I figured it out! You’ve been—“

Karyn concentrated, and was herself again. “Yes, we know.”

“Why do I even bother with books?

The train ride back to Ponyville was uneventful, and Karyn, still in her hospital gown, was thinking of ways to deal with the situation back on Earth.

As they warped back, Derpy went invisible once more, and Karyn snuck into the bed. Not a moment later, she heard a familiar voice.

“Karyn, we were so worried!”

“Mom? Dad? You came all the way out here?”

“Of course,” Karyn’s mother said. “When we got the call we jumped right in the car. You’re here in the hospital and they don’t know what’s wrong with you. Karyn, we’re scared to death.”

“Don’t be. It’s all right, I—“

From behind she heard a cough, and remembered that for all anyone knew, she was still sick.

Her father put his hand on her forehead. “We can’t stay here, but as soon as you get into a room we’ll come in and stay with you.” He turned to leave. “Oh, one thing. They said that you collapsed outside of the church. What were you doing in church?”

With all that happened, the church service seemed so long ago. “Something just told me to go today. I guess that was a mistake though.”

With the nurse breathing down their necks, Karyn’s parents had to leave the intensive care unit and go to a waiting room. Her mother bought an overpriced coffee while her father just paced around.

“I’ve never been more scared,” he said.

“Me neither.”

About ten minutes later, a tall doctor with a thick beard walked over. “Mr. and Mrs. Hubert?”

“Yes?”

“Good news. One of the tests revealed your daughter’s infection. We can treat it, we have the right antibiotic. She’ll be able to leave the hospital today.”

“Oh, thank god,” Karyn’s mother said.

“But why didn’t she get any symptoms before today?” her father asked.

“Sometimes that’s the way these things happen. Plus it was a hot day, and she might have been feverish and just credited it to the weather. We see it all the time, and for the elderly or small children it can be dangerous, but Karyn’s at a good age. She’s resilient.”

“Well, thank you for everything.”

“You’re welcome. She’ll be out in a few minutes.”

The two parents hugged each other as the doctor stared at his clipboard while he walked away. He ducked into an office. Had anyone been around, they would have seen, a moment later, a green light surround the doctor, who turned into a young girl.

“You there, Derpy?” asked Karyn.

“Yes. That was hilarious!”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. I won’t say that that’s the first time I’ve lied to my parents, but somehow this makes it seem worse.”

Derpy helped Karyn get back into the dress she had worn to church. “It’s only fair. Chrysalis’s magic was the reason you were in here in the first place, so using it to get you out can’t be wrong.”

“I guess. I’m still going to have to figure out how to check out of here. And I don’t know how they’ll bill my folks’ insurance. But right now I just want to leave and get everything back to normal.”

She walked outside and hugged her parents, explaining that no, she didn’t want to come home. Class was tomorrow and she didn’t want to miss it. After some tedious conversation, they went back home. Karyn returned to the dorm with Derpy.

“Are you going to be all right?” Derpy asked.

“I think so. I’ve just got to figure it all out. Just do me a favor. Don’t get too curious about Earth stuff ever again.”

She was laughing as she said it.

Author's Note:

Here's the preview of next week's chapter!


“Oh, right. That’s the nice thing about carrying the mail. It’s not seasonal. Well, sometimes there’s more or less, but never any one piece that matters more than another.”

“Another few years and I’ll be working. Then I’ll be right there with you. Actually, I’m not so scared of it as I once was, but I’m just eager to get it over with.”

Derpy looked at her with concern. “Don’t be too hasty to get out of school. Everypony I know says that, when they look back, it’s the best time of their lives. I tell Dinky that all the time.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One advantage of the chats over the conferencing is that I can take a record of what everyone said.”

“Just like when you were secretary in the student council!”

“Yeah, maybe that’s my niche,” said Karyn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karyn was shocked to hear Derpy’s voice coming from her speakers. “Hey, Karyn, it’s D. What’s going on? Are you working on your project?”

Unsure of what to do, she said, “Yeah, everyone’s here.”


Be sure to check it out next Wednesday!

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