• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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55: Happy Derpiversary!

“Morning,” Derpy said. “How’s your tooth?”

“Good as new. Thank Colgate again for me. But that’s not important. Do you know what tomorrow is?”

“Monday?”

“No—“ Karyn tried to stop herself, but the word came out. “Yes, tomorrow is Monday, but it’s also exactly one year since I first met you.”

“Is it really? It seems like such a long time ago.”

Karyn pulled out her calendar. “Check for yourself.”

Derpy flipped through. “I can’t tell. This calendar only goes back to January 1. That’s less than a year ago.”

“Yep, that’s what I’m talking about. Before last year I never knew anyone who could say things that were completely true and wonderfully silly at the same time. Then you came here. Happy anniversary.”

“We’re not married.”

“Friend-iversary, then.”

Derpy rolled her eyes. “So what do friends do on a friend-iversary?”

“I don’t know, since the word’s only six seconds old.”

Meanwhile, Karyn had gone to her computer and pulled up its calendar program. She flipped back to the year prior and pointed. Derpy was still unsure, but she trusted that her friend was telling the truth.

“So if we go through this, we should just be able to tell when all our other one-year anniversaries are.”

“What do you mean, others?” asked Karyn.

“Like, the first time you went to Equestria or the first time you met Dinky. Remember how you didn’t want to go initially, you were worried about the time difference?”

“Yes, that’s true. I’m probably about half a month older than I should be.”

Derpy scowled. “Should?”

“All right, would if I never left Earth. Which is not how it should be. But we’re not going to spend our friend-iversary sitting around and flashing back to things we’ve done before. That would be a complete waste of a day together, and we only get one a week. Don’t you agree?”

“Definitely. Hey, I had an idea! Since there is the time difference, why don’t we go to Equestria today? That way, our friend-iversary can last longer than it should. Would.”

Karyn closed her mouth, since Derpy had caught herself before she could. “All right. Let’s see what’s going on in Ponyville.”

When they jumped universes, Derpy was surprised to see so few ponies around. “It looks like most everypony is inside. The market’s not busy or anything.”

“Maybe they’re all taking a lazy Sunday.”
Derpy shrugged as she landed, but soon after, the mystery was solved when a pink ball of energy shot at them and parked itself right in front of them.

“Derpy! Karyn! Happy friend-iversary!”

“Hi, Pinkie Pie,” said Karyn. “How did you know? Have you been breaking the fourth wall again?”

“I sure have! Because there was no way that everypony was going to fit in Sugar Cube Corner for your friend-iversary party, so I broke that wall right down.”

“No, I mean, how did you know that we’d been together a year and were using that word to describe it?”

Pinkie grinned. “I didn’t know you were using the word, but what else would you call it? A frirthday? In any case, I’ve got like a huge party planned for you two. I had to play around with the schedule to fit it between the ‘Roseluck’s great aunt’s fourth retirement-iversary’ party and the twelfth ‘Big Macintosh met Princess Luna-versary,’ but I managed to make it work.”

“You throw parties for things like that? When do you get a chance to rest?”

“That’s no bother. I throw resting parties almost every night!”

Derpy looked at Karyn, and both of them shook their heads at that.

“Let’s just all get over to Sugar Cube Corner and enjoy the party,” said Derpy.

For the first time, Pinkie Pie was less than enthusiastic. She pawed at the ground. “Well, being as how I do throw so many parties, I didn’t have time to do the prep work for yours. So before we have your friend-iversary party, we have to hold a “set up a party” party. You in?”

They nodded, and they all walked over, Pinkie Pie impatiently beckoning Karyn and Derpy to hustle. At the bakery, one wall had indeed been spread open to the outdoors, and the smell of baked goods wafted through the street.

“How did you do this?” asked Karyn. “That looks structurally unsound.”

“I bought out the bakery from the Cakes a few years ago. So I’m the only pony who can determine who can change the layout.”

This non-answer had to satisfy Karyn for the moment, as Pinkie walked away to begin the setup. “Now, we have to blow up the balloons, hang the streamers, wrap the presents—although, I have to do that last part myself. It wouldn’t do for you to know what the presents are.”

“Pinkie,” said Karyn, “Are all of your parties like this?”

“Like what? Fun?”

“It is fun, but—remember what Princess Cadance once said to you? That it was like a six-year-old’s birthday? There are other ways of holding a party.”

“It’s true,” said Derpy. “The one time I was in the same house as a human party, the one for Karyn’s birthday, it wasn’t like this at all. It was more subdued.”

“Really? Well, why don’t you take me through what you would do at a party while we have this one, and maybe I can learn about human parties. See, I thought that I invented the party.”

“You did? I thought that ponies had parties ever since they first became civilized. Maybe even before.”

“I’m inclined to agree,” said Karyn. “I mean, there’s not a whole lot to invent. Getting together and having having fun isn’t cultural. And besides, if you invented the party, how is it that humans have parties when you never even knew we existed. What am I saying? You’re Pinkie Pie. I still don’t think you invented the party, but that’s no evidence.”

As they worked to set up the party, Pinkie told the story of how Rainbow Dash’s first sonic rainboom gave her her first smile. Karyn had heard it before, but, to her surprise, Derpy hadn’t.

“Wow, so you did invent the party.”

Karyn pinned one end a streamer. “OK, maybe she invented the word, or whatever the Equestrian word is, but are you really telling me that ponies never held occasions where they enjoyed themselves?”

Before Pinkie could answer, another pony walked into the open building. “Hi, Pinkie, I’ve got your order of balloons here. They’re selling great, by the way. You must be making a ton of bits on these.”

“Wait, you invented the balloon?”

“Well, sure!” said Pinkie. “It’s my cutie mark, after all. Maybe it should be a balloon and a streamer and presents and everything else I do for a party, but who can determine her cutie mark?”

She started blowing them up, and Karyn and Derpy had a moment alone. “I’ll be a pony’s aunt,” said Karyn. “Maybe she did invent the party.”

Derpy patted Karyn on the head with her wing. “Don’t forget that, by our best guess, our universes were created independently. Even the time scales are different. So Pinkie might have invented the party thousands of years after human society did.”

Pinkie proved quite adept at blowing up balloons quickly, and Karyn didn’t say anything when she tied them off and left them floating toward the ceiling. She did wonder if that was just a Pinkie Pie skill or if anypony could float them that way.

Once the decorations were in place, Pinkie said, “There! Now that looks more like a party setting. How do they do it on Earth?”

Karyn thought back. “If it’s just a regular party, just to get together and have fun, there’s not a whole lot of decoration that goes into it. But humans do more decorating in their everyday life. Picking out the right curtains, upholstery, and accoutrements is a big deal. Some people even make their living just going to people’s houses and designing them to look nice.”

“Oh! So it’s like a party every day!”

“Not necessarily, but it does look nice.”

Derpy interjected as she pinned streamers to the wall. “I think I saw a little of that in your parents’ house, but your dorm room doesn’t have that.”

“True. For some place like that, where the occupant doesn’t plan to stay for more than a few years, the décor is more functional than pretty. And I’m not much into decorating that way myself. What I find a little foolish is people who spend years getting the house exactly the way they want it, just in time to sell it and move away.”

Pinkie Pie laughed at that, thinking that Karyn was making a joke.

“But for really formal occasions, like a wedding or a graduation,” said Karyn, “then decorations are important, and there’s even more selection. Really fancy stuff is out there, rare fabrics and flowers and things. And it can cost a lot of money.”

Just as Pinkie was about to respond, there was a knock on the wall, and Rarity waved her greeting. “Excuse me, as much as I’m interested in this, I have to go play hostess.”

Karyn sidled up to Derpy and slouched. “She’s amazing. I can’t see how some people are such naturals at socializing. I mean, I can do it, but Pinkie just does it without thinking.”

“I know what you mean. I’ve been to enough of Pinkie’s parties that I’ve picked up a few tricks as well. But yeah, I mean look at her. Here’s Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy all coming in at the same time, and she’s still finding time to pass the time of day with everypony. Now she’s even fitting in Big Macintosh and Applejack.”

Karyn nodded, but as she saw the two siblings, something occurred to her. “You notice how few ponies have families?”

“But that’s the Apple family right there!”

“I mean married couples and children. Foals. Plenty of ponies are single for life. They’re all so friendly, but why is it that relationships seem so uncommon?”

“Ooh, there’s a difference right there!” said Pinkie, rushing back to them. “Do you mean that humans all have families?”

“Well, not all of them, but when my family has a party, I don’t think anyone comes alone or with just a brother like Applejack did.”

“To answer your question, since Ponyville is still a young town, naturally we have a lot of young ponies here. It’ll be a long time before most of them settle down.”

“You heard her ask the question?” said Derpy.

“Of course! It’s my job as a good hostess to pay attention to what my guests are saying. In any case, that’s the reason.”

“But you guys aren’t young,” said Karyn. “It’s been a long time since you were working at the bakery and Twilight was a student and everything.”

“Yes, but we’re still young. Excuse me again.”

Once again alone with Derpy, Karyn remarked, “Maybe ponies don’t think of age by the same standards that humans do. But then again, your age difference from Dinky is perfectly normal if you were humans.”

“Mmhm. Hey, let’s get some food and greet everypony!

They made their way to the buffet table, where Pinkie had stacked cupcakes and pastries. As Derpy reached for a bear claw, a blue hoof got it first.

“Oh, hey, you two,” said Rainbow Dash. “Long time no see. Great party, huh? I’ve been doing double shifts on weather all week, so I’m going to park myself right here and munch all this sugar! How about you?”

“I…I can’t have too much. I’m supposed to be on a diet.”

“It’s true,” said Karyn. “Though maybe now I understand why you have trouble if you’re at Pinkie’s parties a lot. She’s serving dessert before we’ve even had a meal. Is there even a meal at the party? Or just finger foods?”

“What’s a finger food?” asked Rainbow.

“Oh, right, you wouldn’t have that term, of course. Little sandwiches or such that can be eaten in one or two bites.”

“I can eat these cupcakes in one bite. Wanna see?”

Karyn tried again. “I mean things that are savory rather than sweet. Where are the flowers I know you guys eat? Or hay?”

“But, Karyn,” said Derpy, “you can’t eat hay, so Pinkie could just be thinking about you. Of course, she serves the same thing at every party, so she must really be thinking about you.”

“I think it’s because she’s completely addicted to sugar and the high she gets off it.”

Rainbow did as she promised and stuck close to the food, but at that moment the music for the party started up, and the speaker was right next to it, so Karyn and Derpy moved away to where it was audible but not preventing them from hearing each other.

“Hey, girls!” called Pinkie. “Who’s dancing?”

The song was a polka that Karyn had heard many times before, and it was the one that helped remove the parasprites from Ponyville so long ago. She was content to bounce lazily on the side of the action, particularly as Twilight Sparkle took to the center of the dance floor and flailed her hooves in the awkward style she had.

Once the polka ended and another bouncy song began, Twilight trotted over for a cup of punch. “Whew,” she said, “that was fun. Exhausting, but fun.”

“It’s not the kind of music we’d have at a party on Earth,” said Karyn. “If it’s just a house party, they play background music, but it almost all has vocals. Not just the instrumentals you play.”

“Ah, but do you have these fancy record players? By engraving information into the vinyl, we can play back the music without even having the musicians here!”

Karyn was going to politely nod, but Derpy said, “Humans made those obsolete a long time ago. They have digital storage that never loses fidelity. Sometime when I’m bringing your mail this week remind me and I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Really? Yes, please do. It sounds fascinating.”

“A few humans still like having the vinyl,” said Karyn. “They think it gives a nicer sound than newer methods. But anyway, what I was saying, if there is a formal party, then we have dance music that’s loud and in your face. It’s not happy and playful like this”

They relaxed and chatted for a while until Pinkie Pie announced that it would be time for party games. She hung a piñata and everyone was instructed to line up to take their swings.

Karyn watched in amusement as ponies dealt with what was a much more difficult game for them. Earth ponies and pegasi had to awkwardly swing the stick with their mouths, while unicorns’ magic was ineffective when they were blindfolded. One of them even managed to mess up the spell to grab the stick, and was humorously flailing away at the piñata with a balloon.

The line shortened, and Karyn held out hope that it would still be there for her to swing at. With only one pony to go, her confidence was high, especially as it was Fluttershy. There was still a coolness about their relationship, but they exchanged greetings.

Pinkie Pie blindfolded Fluttershy and led her forward, spinning her around and even pushing her in the air. Karyn tried to memorize the position of the piñata and was only half paying attention, so had to look twice when Fluttershy took a mighty swing and shattered the papier-mâché, sending candy flying everywhere.

Slack-jawed, she watched Fluttershy pick up all the candy, then turn to look at her. “Oh, my. I’m so sorry. I was actually trying to miss, but I guess I missed. I’m ashamed, because I wanted you to have a turn. You probably don’t have piñatas in your world.”

“No, we do, but I haven’t done one in a long time.”

“I haven’t seen you play party games,” said Derpy. “And I have been to your parties.”

“Not all humans like them. One of those being my father. He doesn’t hate them, just finds no entertainment. But if we were to play a game, we’d probably get a board game going that’s a little more complicated than this.”

Fluttershy patted her on the head. “I’m sure they’re a lot of fun, but don’t be sad that you don’t get to swing the stick.”

“Especially as you can!” said Pinkie Pie, coming from a back room and hanging up another piñata.

“You have another?”

“I have one for every guest at the party, in case they all break it, which would be the best outcome.”

Karyn blinked. “But Fluttershy’s the only one who has. What will you do with all the others?”

“Give them away as presents. Presents! It’s almost time for them. You and Derpy should head to the main table to get yours!”

Pinkie would not be gainsaid, and they left Fluttershy to vacuum up all the candy and take it home.

Everypony gathered round, and Karyn was anxious at being the center of attention. But most of the presents were for Derpy, since the ponies had a hard time thinking of things that Karyn would want. There were only two for her specifically, though Derpy let her open all the ones that were addressed to both of them. Lyra had wrapped up a package of Bon-bon’s candies, and the other one was a wrapped in a very fancy satin paper.

“I think I know who that’s from,” said Derpy.

“Ahem. You think you know whom it’s from.”

“Hello, Rarity.”

“Derpy, Karyn. I got each of you a present, but I think you should open them at the same time.”

They unwrapped the presents and showed off what was inside. Derpy had a gold brooch in the shape of a hand, and Karyn received what looked like a silver pendant in the form of a pair of wings.

“Thank you,” said Karyn. In her head, she was thinking, another extravagant gift from Rarity, and it’s so beautiful that I can’t sell it. I’ll pin it on the dress when I get home.

“You’re quite welcome. Ever since last week I’ve been thinking of how better to use precious metals as opposed to gems. And I had all that platinum lying around, so I crafted that.”

“This is platinum?”

Rarity looked at Derpy, but still addressed Karyn. “Yes. Perhaps not quite so glittery as gold, but I like it.”

Karyn put the pendant back into the box, which she noticed was heavier than it ought to be. Peeking under the lining, she saw perhaps a pound more of the metal in scrap.

“What’s this?”

“Oh, my. Did I leave some platinum in there by mistake? Well, if I haven’t missed it by now, I don’t expect to in the future. You just take it with you, and do as you see fit.”

Derpy’s sly grin told Karyn that this had probably been planned out between the two of them. “I don’t know what to say. Between this and all the fancy things that Derpy got…we don’t do this sort of gift-giving on Earth. Even gold is only given by married couples when they’ve been together for fifty years. I shudder to think how much all of it would cost.”

“Who cares what it costs?” said Pinkie Pie, appearing once more out of nowhere. “What better use for bits are there except buying presents for the ones you love, unless it’s throwing fun events for them?”

Derpy cast her face down. “Oh, Pinkie. I completely forgot. We were supposed to be exploring all the differences between human parties and pony parties, but all we’ve been doing is having fun.”

“But you have shown me everything I needed to know.”

“What do you mean?”

“Derpy,” said Karyn, “I’m sure that Pinkie wants us to just have fun at her party, rather than do some kind of study. And that however we do the games or the meal, a party’s all about having good friends together. On Earth or in Equestria, the guests have the same feelings for each other, and that’s what matters. Isn’t that right?”

Pinkie said nothing for a moment, then her hair deflated and went straight. “Well, gee. Thanks for completely stealing my thunder and giving away the lesson I wanted to teach you.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Go on, you can say it.”

“Really?”

“Sure.”

She poofed back up. “Because on Earth or in Equestria, the guests have the same feelings for each other, and that’s what matters!”

“Thanks, Pinkie,” said Derpy. “I think I’ll remember the lesson.”

Everypony began breaking up and saying their good-byes. Derpy and Karyn as the guests of honor had to stay until nearly everypony else left, but at last they had a moment together.

“This was a great way to spend our friend-iversary,” said Karyn, “Or at least our friend-iversary eve.”

“Agreed. And speaking of eves, next year’s going to be eve-n better!”

“You just keep making jokes like that, and it will be.”

Derpy grinned. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

Tired but happy, Karyn climbed on top of Derpy’s back, clutching her present and looking back over the landscape of Ponyville, with Pinkie waving her hoof until Derpy spun her spell and brought them back to the dorm.

They hugged, and Derpy prepared to go home herself, when Karyn sat down at her desk to check her e-mail.

“That’s it,” said Derpy. “That’s the exact pose where I first saw you. Now it’s truly a cycle, and I’m ready to start it up again.”

Author's Note:

Here's something you'll like for next time!

“Ah, clever. But you shouldn’t try to exploit people.”

“I’m not being dishonest. That kind of thing is frequent among humans these days. Everything is all about who you know as much as what you know. Of course, I have time, but my folks are always telling me to get out and meet people.”

Derpy nodded. “They’re right. You should. No, it’s a good idea.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Let’s go out and see what kind of discounts they have.”

They got ready and headed out of the dorm, leaving the campus and walking to the nearby town. With the college nearby, the stores had been set up for walking, with parking lots few and far between. Karyn remarked how she liked the difference from home.

“When you have to drive everywhere like in the suburbs, you can’t just casually run an errand like this. You wait till all your errands pile up, then make a bunch of stops, so that way you don’t waste gas or time.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They neared the door, but Karyn held up before going in. “What’s wrong?”

“That’s just so different from Equestria. If somepony runs a business, they want to put their own stuff in it. Even something like Barnyard Bargains, where Mr. Rich gets all the local stuff to sell, he puts his own labels on it all.”

“Well, it has its benefits and its detriments. But there I go, talking like one of my term papers."


Please read that one too!

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