• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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37: Attach Form Derpleyou-2

“Hey, I’ve got a question.”

“Yeah, Derpy?”

“Me coming here early on Sunday mornings, does it mess up your Saturday nights?”

Karyn turned around from her computer. “Mess up how?”

“Well, I know that Saturday is a big party day, at least it is for ponies, and I don’t want you to feel that you’ve got to be home early because of me.”

“In the first place, yes, it’s a party day here on Earth too, but I’m an IT nerd. I’m supposed to be in my dorm Saturday nights.”

Derpy paused for diplomacy. “Because you’re always in a rush to clean up whenever I get here, so I was wondering if maybe you were holding wild bashes here.”

“No, it’s just the mess that normally accumulates throughout the week. I don’t know how you do it. Every time I visit your house it’s immaculate. But why are you asking today? I didn’t have any mess this morning.” She was proud of how much of the surface of her desk could be seen.

“Um, yeah, you do.”

Karyn looked around for a spare scrap of paper or anything that could be what Derpy was indicating, and found nothing. “I don’t get it.”

Derpy pointed at the monitor. “Look at how many windows you have open! And there must be a dozen browser tabs as well. Are you reading twelve web pages at once?”

Karyn facepalmed. “That’s a mess to you too?!”

“Well, yeah. What do you call it? Organization?”

“Here’s the thing. I could hide all of this from view just by shutting off the monitor. So you’re not allowed to call it a mess.”

Derpy slapped her hooves together. “It’s the spirit of the thing. You have to strive for order in all things.”

“No, I have to strive to get rich so I can hire a cleaning lady,” Karyn muttered. “Not that that’s going to happen.”

“Are you worrying about money again? I keep telling you that you need to budget.”

“At this point it’s less about the money than what I’ve got to do about it. But forget it, let’s go do something fun.”

“No,” said Derpy. “It won’t be fun if you’re worrying about money.”

“But I won’t. I’ll forget it and stop worrying.”

“Then it won’t be fun if I’m worrying about the fact that you’re avoiding your problems.”

Karyn sighed. “I guess I can’t argue with that. But you’re not going to be able to help.”

“You let Tante Derpy see and she’ll tell you if she can help.”

“Tante? I hope the language barrier isn’t breaking again.”

Karyn moved her chair to the side and let Derpy hover next to her.

“So what’s going on? You want to buy something nice for yourself but you can’t afford it?”

“No. Much worse. It’s tax season.”

“I don’t know that one,” said Derpy. “I know winter, and summer, and autumn.”

“Well, taxes are colder than winter, burn you more than summer, and leave everything as dead as autumn.”

“Are they really that bad?”

Karyn was exasperated, and took it out on Derpy. “Do you have taxes in Equestria?”

“I. . . I know the concept!”

“Meaning of course that you don’t have them. Well, look. I only worked for two months last year, just a summer job so I could have some spending money. But I’ve still got to fill out tax forms the same as people who have full-time jobs.”

“When did you work a summer job?” asked Derpy.

“I had a lot of time when I wasn’t at the convention with you, or at the beach with you, or at the park with you. . . “

“I get it. I didn’t know you were working though.”

“It wasn’t fun. All the time I was there, waiting for Sundays with Derpy kept me going. The last thing I wanted on those Sundays was to talk about work.”

Derpy nodded and looked at the screen, and finally realized that Karyn hadn’t filled her windows with pony pictures or e-mails. The forms had a particular coldness to them that she found rather. . . un-Equestrian, and she said as much.

“I’ll say it is, and it’s really annoying. See, for the people who do have full-time jobs, they all get paid by one source, and one piece of paper tells them how much have to pay on. But for a poor college student who scrapped for every dollar of scholarship money, grants, and loans that she could, I get a new piece of paper every day in the mail that I have to add onto the total and throw out the whole form.”

“Why don’t you just wait for all the records to come and then do the form?”

Karyn gritted her teeth and tried to look crazy. “Because it’s like a worm gnawing at the back of my brain, and I really want to just get it done. Also, it’s possible that I might have money coming to me in a refund that I want to get as soon as possible.”

“If you budgeted, you’d know about whether you’d get it or not, and then you wouldn’t have to worry so.”

“I guess. Once I get this all taken care of, then I’ll get to it.”

Derpy put her hooves around Karyn’s shoulders and shook. “That’s just procrastination. If you wait for a time when all your books are clear, you’ll never get to it. I can help you with it, but maybe you don’t want me to know all about your finances?”

“Oh, Derpy, you’re a close enough friend that you can see it all. Besides, who are you going to tell? Pinkie Pie?”

So Karyn found herself giving her computer a restart after saving everything she had. Presented with a blank screen, Derpy directed her to open a new spreadsheet.

“I do all mine on paper, but I know you like the computer, so we’ll keep it there. This way you won’t lose it. And it can do the sums for you.”

Karyn sat attentive, as if she were in class.

“The first thing we need to do is write down your income. When I deliver mail, I get a base wage plus some overtime occasionally.”

“Yeah, you get income. I don’t. That’s why you can do this and I can’t.”

“That’s going to make it simpler!” said Derpy. “Once you do start earning, you’ll have the structure in place, rather than having to do it after the fact the way I did.”

“All right, but I still don’t have any income.”

“You do, it’s just seasonal. You’ll probably work again next summer, and again until you get out of college. That’s why this is going to be an annual budget. You’ll plan out everything you need over the whole year.”

Karyn waved her hands. “That’s why this won’t work! Things always come up during the year. Like these taxes”

“I know, so that’s why you’ve got to put in some wiggle room. But first list the things you know you’re going to have to do. Like your cell phone and what you pay to go to college.”

“Already I have more expenses than income.”

“But not including the tuition, and that’s going to go away in a few years. I’ll let you in on a little secret.” Derpy moved into whispering range, even though there was no one else around. “Just having this around and knowing that you’ll be writing down everything you spend is going to make you spend less. And if you’re spending less, you’ll have more money.”

“I guess. Anyway, we didn’t get any further along with filling out the forms I have to get done.”

“Next year, though, you’ll thank me. Speaking of thanking, what do you actually get for these? I mean, I’d understand if you were paying to have the sun raised and lowered, but it takes care of that itself.”

Karyn paused for thought, trying to be delicate. “There are a lot of things we get for them. Roads, bridges, police, fire departments. And a lot of people who do nothing but boss those other people around. Some folks say that the taxes are always too high, and that everything should be done as much as possible by businesses. And other people say that they only want that because they don’t want to pay. It’s a whole, complicated thing, and I like to stay out of the way.

“But just about everyone thinks that the mechanics of paying and reporting are too complicated. Except for the people who work figuring it out.”

“So it’s one of those weird Earth things,” said Derpy.

“Yeah. But who takes care of all that in Equestria? Who pays for the royal guard? Who pays Mayor Mare to do whatever she does?”

“Princess Celestia does, of course, out of the royal treasury. Although, I think we’d be most like your folks who say that things should be done by businesses. Every time a mayor or somepony in authority wants to try to take on a project, Celestia finds somepony else who wants to do it as a business.”

“But where does she get the money?” asked Karyn.

“I’m not sure. Dinky might know.”

Karyn decided to take advantage of the change in subject and saved the spreadsheet, which she followed by closing all her open programs. “Anyway,” she said, “I think that, despite my complaining, we have a good system. We don’t have to worry if we lose our jobs or get sick.”

“Neither do ponies.”

“It’s different. You have friendship. If you don’t have that, you have no safety net to catch you.”

Derpy turned away from Karyn and looked out the window. “It’s like the mules.”

“Beg pardon?”

“You know that we have mules that talk just like ponies, right?”

Karyn thought back. “Oh, yeah. Like that baker, Mulia Mild.”

“Right. There’s a whole land of them, across the sea from Equestria. They have a system very much like yours. They pay a lot to their government, and it takes care of them when any mule has problems.”

“Really? And does it work out for them?”

“As far as I know,” said Derpy. “I’ve never been there. But since we’re putting everything away, let’s go out and get some sunshine. That’s free, at least.”

The girls put on their coats and left the dorm. The air was cold, but the sun beat down on them. Walking along a path by the quad, Karyn thought of more.

“Knowing the weather is another thing that the government takes care of for us. Obviously you don’t need that, because you can change it on your own. Maybe that’s the same way with the mules. Do they have any pegasus mules?”

“I don’t think so.”

“So they might need to predict it the way we do,” said Karyn. “I wish we could go see them. I think it might do you good, to see how a different culture lives.”

“That’s what I’m doing here.”

Karyn hadn’t thought of that. “I’m saying different from both of us. That we could compare with our own and maybe learn something about ourselves. It’s one of the problems with only one intelligent species on Earth. Humans don’t have anything to compare ourselves to, so we can’t really know if we’re doing well or not. Maybe everyone who doesn’t have magic and weather control has the same problems we do.”

Derpy was intrigued despite herself. She finally managed to steer the conversation away from heavy subjects and into pleasantries throughout the rest of the day. But thoughts gnawed at her then and throughout the week. When she returned the next Sunday, she told Karyn that they had an opportunity.

“Apparently there isn’t a whole lot of mail between Equestria and Muland.”

“Muland? Oh, you mean the land where the mules live.”

“Exactly. But when I wandered into a different section of the post office by mistake—“ Derpy was a little embarrassed that she could still get lost in a job she had been in for so long—“I found a bunch of mail that had collected for the mules, and for ponies living in Muland. I mentioned it to Mr. Mintsugar, and he said that he always had trouble finding ponies to take the mail, and since the Mulish postal service always came and got it eventually, it wasn’t that big a concern. But it still has to be delivered, and if somepony wanted to volunteer, then she could go to the land of the Mules and the post office would pay for it. So, if you want to go, we can go.”

Karyn thought this rather coincidental, and wondered if Derpy weren’t embellishing the story to make it more like happenstance. She might have asked to go. But Karyn was genuinely interested in the Mule society, since it was something that had never been mentioned in the show.

“What day would we go?”

“Friday.”

“Wow, five more days?” said Karyn. “I guess those mules really don’t mind waiting for their mail.”

“Well, like I said, some of it was months old.”

“Yeah. Humans would be up in arms if mail took that long. Well, they would now. A long time ago, maybe not. So we’ll go. What do we need to do to prepare?”

Derpy read off a list. “I’ve already contacted the Mulish embassy in Equestria for all the permissions and things we need. They didn’t have any precedent for a human coming, of course, so it was kind of a hassle.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, like I said, they have a lot more mules who watch over things. So they don’t want undesirables there. Like, remember that Iron Will guy? He would never have been allowed to run his seminars in Muland.”

Karyn glowered. “Really? That doesn’t sound fair. All he’s doing is talking.”

“That’s allowed, but he collects money for it. So it would have to be checked out by a mule who already knows about seminars to make sure that he was giving good advice.”

“All right, but that doesn’t apply to me. I’m not trying to sell anypony anything.”

“No, but still had to fill out a lot of forms,” said Derpy.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that.”

“We’re friends. I’d deal with a lot more than a little writer’s cramp for you.”

Karyn was grateful, then thought of something. “Wait, writer’s cramp?”

“Yeah.” She opened her jaw wide “See? Back here in the mouth? It’s a little red.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to make you have to go through all that for nothing. So how do we get to Muland?”

Derpy transported them to Equestria. Karyn stayed at Derpy’s house for a little while as Derpy went to the post office to get the mail that had to be taken with them. Resplendent in her uniform, she led Karyn to the train station.

It was a fast express, and Karyn barely had time to notice the journey as the scenery sped by. Soon enough they were at a dock on the far western shore of Equestria.

Karyn reflected that very little of the shore and the ocean had been talked about on Friendship is Magic, and that most ponies didn’t care for boats and the water. Still, ponies of all stripes worked on the dock, tying up the boats and tending to them.

“Come on,” said Derpy. “We’re supposed to go to Pier 33.”

“How long is it going to take us to get there?”

“It’s just down the dock, can’t take too long.”

Karyn shook her head. “I mean how long will the boat ride be?”

“Oh. Probably a couple of hours.”

The salt air was blowing in and Karyn was worried about what it would do to her hair. They approached the pier and found the boat they were going to take. It was somewhat sizeable. Karyn estimated it to be about fifty feet, but it had clearly seen many trips back and forth.

Derpy put down her bag and looked around. Nopony else seemed to be around, and she was wondering if they were supposed to board the boat or wait.

She took off and circled the boat once. She was about to light on the deck when a cough came from the edge of the pier.

Karyn and Derpy could be excused for missing him as he sat next to a pylon. He blended in almost perfectly with the wood of the dock, and he hadn’t moved since their arrival other than to bring a cup of coffee to his lips. Stretching his muscles and cracking his bones, he turned and got to his hooves, and Karyn saw her first mule.

“Name’s Stubby.” His voice had a hard edge to it.

“Hi! I’m Derpy and this is Karyn.”

“You have your customs form?”

Derpy rooted around in her bag until she found the paper. He spent a long time going over it, then eyed Karyn. She was a little nervous being looked at, even though she wasn’t worried about any prurient interest on Stubby’s part.

Eventually he stopped and walked onto the gangway. Derpy gave a wing-assisted hop onto the boat, Karyn following on foot.

“Life jackets,” Stubby said, pointing at a box.

“Um, I don’t think that sinking is a problem for me,” said Derpy, spreading her wings.

“Everypony’s got to know where the life jackets are and how to use them.”

“But I can fly.”

“Regulations don’t say anything about exceptions for pegasi.”

Derpy sighed and paid attention as Stubby put the jacket on for demonstration. He then went over to the harbormaster who initialed another piece of paper, and then they were on their way.

“Hey, Derpy?” said Karyn. “How’s the boat powered? Is there a motor or is it magic?”

“I don’t think either. Mules sometimes don’t trust magic that’s applied directly, but they made some channels in the ocean that go back and forth from Equestria to Muland just on the current.”

As they sat near the back of the boat, Stubby was suddenly a burst of activity, casting off the lines that held the boat to the dock and tying them up for storage. He put his forehooves on the center of the stern and gave a mighty kick to the pylon on the dock. Karyn was unprepared for this method of launch and had to regain her balance. The boat quickly reached top speed and Stubby raced for the wheel to steer it where it needed to go.

There were a series of red buoys that he aimed for, and once they passed the first one, Karyn could see a distinct current pulling them along. Off to the left a fair distance, there were blue buoys, and although there were no boats in the channel, it looked like the water was flowing the other way, back toward Equestria.

“Are you sure this isn’t magic?” Karyn whispered to Derpy.

All at once Stubby’s personality changed. He gave a loud belly-laugh. “No, miss, no magic involved. A pack of mules came by in a boat powered by some of them swimming behind, while others ran a dredge along the bottom that dug a deeper channel as they went, so that the water would flow downhill. They have to come by again every year or so and re-dig it, but it puts some mules to work.

“Can I get you ladies anything? A drink?”

They refused, but Derpy said thank you for the offer and mentioned how nice he had become.

“The sea is my element,” he said. “On the land, it’s all requisitions and paperwork, plus heavy lifting if I’m doing a cargo run. But when we’re on the water, All I have to do is kick back and make sure we don’t drift too far. What more could any mule ask for?”

With Stubby at the helm and the current carrying them along, Karyn and Derpy moved to the fore of the boat and relaxed. Karyn had been on the water on Earth, but to be drifting along without the noise of motors and the smell of burning oil gave her a new appreciation. All she could hear was the ripple of the water and the call of the terns.

Derpy became a little more restless and flapped her wings here and there.

“Are you getting seasick, miss?” asked Stubby.

“I hope not. It gets better if I’m off the boat.”

“Because you look a little dizzy.”

“No, she always looks like that,” said Karyn, slightly offended.

“Makes no difference to me. I’ve seen ponies whose eyes have done full three-sixty rolls on the boat. You’re actually holding up fairly well.”

He made an adjustment at the wheel, and the boat seemed to move more evenly. Derpy took deep breaths and steadied herself.

“So, how much of a rush are you two ladies to get to Muland?” Stubby asked.

“Well, it is kind of our destination,” said Karyn. “Why? What did you have in mind?”

“Well, when I’m only hauling cargo, a lot of times I’ll anchor in a little cutout just off the channel and throw my fishing rod in the water for an hour or so.”

“That would be against my code as a postal employee,” said Derpy. “But on the other hoof, it sounds like a lot of fun.”

“But Derpy,” said Karyn, “what are you guys going to fish for? You don’t eat fish.”

“Ooh, that’s a good point. I guess there’s plankton, though. And seaweed! I like seaweed.”

“Well, so do I, but I don’t go fishing for it.”

Stubby held up a hoof. “Ladies, I think you’ve misunderstood. I said I throw my rod in the water for a while. I don’t bring it up. Everyone knows that the point of fishing is to relax, take in some sun, and have a few drinks. Maybe a sandwich as well.”

Derpy and Karyn looked at each other. “Sounds like our kind of activity!”

He turned the wheel and the boat left the channel. Miles from anypony, they sat and watched the line, bobbing playfully. The rest of the journey was to come, but for now they were content.

To be continued.

Author's Note:

But not without a preview!

"Well, we’d better get going if you’re going to see as much as possible!”

Derpy stepped up. “Actually, the first thing we need to do is get to the post office so I can deliver the mail from Equestria.”

“Are you here for that too?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess that I have a different way of thinking too.”

The mule returned with a small sack of mail and a large stack of paper. “Sign here, please, miss, and here, here, initial here, and confirm the weight and the number.”

Derpy gritted her teeth as she complied. “Very different,” she said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It might make a lot of sense, but Celestia’s the only one who could do it, I think.”

“It’s probably more complicated than that, but if you really want to know, I can ask her to make some time to talk to you.”

“No, but thanks. Let’s not bother the princess.”

See you all next week!

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