25: Princess Derpy
Karyn stuck the plastic fork into the last bite of the syrup-slathered pancakes that she had bought from the college cafeteria. “Oh, it’s good to be back,” she said out loud. “As much as I love home cooking, they make a decent meal here. All right, Derpy, where are you? It’s getting late.”
She threw away the paper plate and put the tray on the trash can in the hall, then checked the clock on her phone again. Derpy was past due.
“Well, I’ll start reading something, and that will make her show. A watched pot never boils.”
“And an observed interdimensional warp never produces a pegasus pony?” said Derpy, who had just appeared.
“Yeah, that too. What’s up?”
“Oh, not much,” said Derpy. She looked around as if afraid someone was watching.
“Don’t worry,” said Karyn. “We’re here at the dorm. No more parents, and unless you messed up and I was assigned another roommate, we should be alone.”
“Right. No humans around.”
Derpy went to the window and looked out. “Is something wrong?” asked Karyn.
“Why would it be?”
“Well, you’re avoiding eye contact with me?”
Derpy stuck out her tongue. “Technically, I never fully make eye contact with you. Only half, at most.”
“Don’t start in on yourself. Your eyes are unique and beautiful.”
“Mmhm,” Derpy said, getting distracted.
“Anyway, you changed the subject. What’s wrong?”
Derpy looked at her bag of spells. “I wish the time distortion worked the other way. I wish I could stay here on earth and go back to Equestria when I felt ready.”
Karyn put her hand on Derpy’s wing. “Come on, you can tell me. I’m your friend.”
“I know! That’s why I don’t want to have to take you back with me. I’m afraid that you’ll be in trouble!”
“Why would there be trouble?”
Derpy reached in her other saddlebag and pulled out a scroll. “I got this in the mail yesterday. It says, ‘Princess Celestia of Equestria, Viceroy of all Ponies, Protectress of the Everfree Forest, Duchess of—‘ it goes on for a while with her titles—‘requests Derpy Hooves present herself before her Princess on—‘ and then there’s a date which is today in the Equestrian calendar—‘ in her royal dwelling at Canterlot Castle.’ It came sealed with wax and a sunburst mark, so I know it’s official.”
“OK, that’s fine, but where does my trouble come in?”
Derpy reached back in and produced a second scroll. Karyn got to see the wax seal for herself, right below the words, ‘Karyn Ann Hubert, Floor 4, Room 6, Dormitory USCI, Earth’ written in a fancy calligraphy. “Whoa,” she said, “Princess Celestia knows where I live. That’s a little scary. She must have powerful magic to automatically address this to me.”
“Um, actually, the guard who brought my message said it was for you and just asked me for the address. Then she wrote it on the scroll. Good hoofwriting, though, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, Derpy. It’s real pretty.” Karyn carefully broke the seal and unrolled the message. It said substantially what Derpy’s had. “So what do we do about this?”
“There’s nothing we can do. But I don’t know what it’s about. She could decide that she doesn’t want humans around in Equestria anymore. She could tell us that we’ve done too much to destroy the balance of nature. She could wipe out our existence right there!”
“But Princess Celestia is good. She never does things like that.”
Derpy breathed easier. “You’re right. But we still don’t know why she wants us. We’re just going to have to go and see her.”
Karyn rolled the scroll back up and put it in her desk drawer, then looked at her closet. “I suppose if I am going to be meeting royalty, I should dress for the occasion.”
“I’m not wearing anything. Why don’t you wear that dress that Rarity gave you?”
“You’re more comfortable in nothing. If I wore that, I’d be more nervous. No, I don’t have a true formal dress, but I do have a business outfit that I’ll put on.” Sensing Derpy’s look, she explained, “My mother bought it for me on the off chance that I would get an interview for a job, as if that would happen to a sophomore.”
She went into the bathroom and changed from her jeans and T-shirt into the suit. She came out and checked herself in the mirror, then decided that she needed to put on makeup as well.
“It’s a nice outfit,” said Derpy.
“Well, I had to change it a little. Mom’s fashion tastes are still from thirty years ago. When she bought it, it had shoulder pads. I ripped them out first chance I got.”
“Really? That sounds practical. Less chance to get hurt.”
“Yeah, but they make you look all square,” said Karyn. “All right, let’s go.”
She got on Derpy’s back, but could tell that Derpy was still nervous. She was acting more like a skittish horse than a dignified pegasus. She activated the spell reluctantly and slowly circled down to Ponyville.
“Are we stopping by the house first?” Karyn asked. “And how are we getting there?”
“I already said good-bye to Muffinhead, so we can go right to the train station. As to how we’re getting there—“
“Yeah, I got it, the train. But you’re coming back to Muffinhead, don’t worry.”
Derpy started trotting to the station. She had forgotten to let Karyn off. “I always say good-bye to him. He’s not happy whenever I’m gone.”
The train was already waiting when they walked into the station, and they had to hurry to get in before the all-aboard. Derpy finally let Karyn walk on her own, and right as she ascended the stairs into the car, thought she heard her name called. She poked her head back out, but everypony had already boarded. The cry was explained a moment later when a familiar blue-capped stallion walked up from a few cars back.
“Hey, Karyn! I thought that was you I saw getting on board!”
“Hi, Smash. I guess I do stick out around here. How’s the bag-hauling business?”
“Never better. Not in the fancy car this time? Oh, hello, Derpy.”
Derpy waved. “Not this time. Official business. Our tickets are being paid for by the royal treasury.”
“Really? Sounds like you’ve got something fancy doing.”
“No,” said Karyn. “We were summoned by the Princess. We don’t know why, and we’re a little nervous.”
“I’d be honored. I’ve never met Princess Celestia. I’ve never even been to the castle.” Just as he said that, a bell rang. “Oops, that’s for me. Got to get back to work. Have a good trip!”
They found seats, which were wider than on human trains, and Karyn had to lay out in order to get comfortable. “You see, Derpy?” Karyn said. “Smash would love to be in our position, going to see Princess Celestia. You don’t know, this could be something positive. She might want to give you a medal for opening new boundaries.”
“Then why couldn’t she just write that? Actually, that’s what bothers me more than anything. If she wanted to upbraid me for something I’ve done, just write down ‘Derpy, get your flank over here so I can yell at you about’ whatever it is. Better than to leave me in the dark.”
“Which means that she probably doesn’t want to chastise you. Anyway, let’s get going and end the mystery.”
They walked along the streets of Canterlot. Despite her hurry, Karyn could not help slowing down and gawking. Canterlot was like no place she had ever seen before.
“This is incredible, Derpy. All the buildings and decorations are so colorful. The only thing I could compare it to is Disneyland.”
“I’ve never been to that land. What’s it like?”
“It’s an amusement park. But the difference is that no matter how pretty everything is there, you know it’s a front and that everything is designed to keep you involved and spending money. This is a real city.”
Some fancily dressed ponies sauntered down the road they were traveling. A stallion looked over his pince-nez at Karyn, while the mare he was walking with pulled out a pair of opera glasses.
“I feel even more the center of attention here,” said Karyn.
“Well, in Ponyville there’s already one human. Plus they’re more laid back in general. Here everything’s all about propriety and protocol.”
“I bet you can’t stand it.”
“Are you kidding? I have a ball messing with ponies.” They passed by a fruit stand. Derpy picked up a couple of plums and put them in her mouth. “Not bad!” she said to the vendor, flipping a bit to him and walking on. He stared at her, but she just kept her smile.
It faltered finally when they came to the gates of Canterlot Castle. Derpy became tongue-tied when the guard challenged her, and it was all she could do to pass him the scroll she had been given. The guard read it while his partner eyed Karyn warily. Silently he waved them through.
Another guard stopped them short of the main chamber. “Princess Celestia is hearing petitions right now. You wait your turn.”
Derpy was about to sit down by the wall, but Karyn had had enough of being stonewalled. “Is she hearing a petition of a hundred ponies? Because I see plenty of them watching. If we do have to wait, can’t we at least go in and join the others?”
“Hey, yeah!” said Derpy. “The royal court is supposed to be public.”
The guard didn’t like being challenged, but he said, “Technically you’re allowed to go in, but you should—“ he didn’t finish, as Karyn had already walked into the chamber with Derpy behind her.
They found seats and listened to an Earth pony farmer supplicating to the Princess.
“. . . my father and his father before him grew potatoes on our land, and they were fine potatoes. And the neighbors always grew carrots. Now, just because potatoes are fetching a higher price than carrots, they want to grow potatoes too! It’s not fair! Potatoes are my family’s tradition, and carrots are theirs!”
Celestia had a look of serene patience as she listened to the farmer. Finally she held up a hoof and asked, “What would you like me to do about it?”
“Well, make them go back to growing carrots! Or at least, don’t let them grow potatoes. Put things back the way they were.”
Celestia said nothing for a few minutes. The farmer couldn’t tell if she was thinking over his request. Karyn listened intently to see what the princess would say.
“I cannot do that,” Celestia said. “A pony who owns land can grow anything they like on it. But I can give you some advice.”
The farmer clutched his hat.
“When one crop becomes popular, the price goes up, but never for long. Potatoes are what ponies are eating this year, but next, they may well go back to carrots, or even parsnips. If you ask around and find what ponies want to eat, you can change your crop for next year and have the exclusive on the high-priced food.”
The princess indicated that the interview was over, and the farmer walked out of the royal chamber. It was unclear whether or not he was happy with the response he had gotten, but it was clear that he was getting no more.
Celestia’s eyes landed on Karyn, and she whispered a subtle command to a guard next to her. He relayed the signal wordlessly, and she and Derpy felt taps on their shoulder. From the large meeting area, they were escorted to a small room where they were again alone. Princess Celestia walked in moments later.
Karyn wondered what the proper greeting was, and decided that the best course of action was to wait to speak until she was spoken to.
She turned first to Derpy. “Miss Hooves. You were the one who brought this human to our world?”
“Yes, your highness.”
“And you, Miss. . . Karyn, yes? How do you find our land?”
“It’s such a wonderful place. Princess,” she added quickly.
“That is good. For there is something of great importance that I require of you. Did you take note of how I conducted the business of ruling?”
“A little bit,” said Karyn.
“Excellent. You see, a long time ago, a seer issued a prophecy. Someday, it was written, one would come from another world and become companion to a pegasus pony.”
“And you think that could be me?” said Derpy.
“I do. But the prophecy also said that, to avert a great catastrophe, that I, Princess Celestia, would have to turn over the reins of power to that pegasus, and that she would be advised by the person from another world.”
Karyn and Derpy just sat there and blinked.
“Congratulations, Princess Derpy Hooves.”
“Wait a minute!” said Karyn. “Derpy as Princess? Equestria won’t last two days!”
“Hey!” said Derpy. “It certainly will last two days!”
“And what’s this catastrophe that we’re supposed to avert?”
“That I don’t know, but nonetheless, your highness,” Celestia said, the words sounding odd coming from her, “you have royal duties to attend to. There is a consortium of society ponies who have requested an audience. I will show them in.”
Celestia walked out, then thought of something. Using her magic, she lifted the crown off her head and slid it onto Derpy’s.
Derpy and Karyn were left alone, and they were both in panic mode. “Is this some kind of horrible dream?” asked Derpy. “Pinch me to make sure.”
“I don’t think that works. Everyone knows that that’s what you do to make sure it’s not a dream, so you might even dream that the pinch hurt.”
“I’m so flustered that that even makes sense. What am I going to do? I can’t deal with society ponies. And I certainly can’t be the Princess!”
She flew up in her rage, and the golden crown slipped over her eyes. She shoved it back up with a hoof.
“Listen,” said Karyn. “Princess Celestia. . . well, ex-Princess Celestia, said it was important. Probably as soon as this crisis shows up, we’ll be able to go back to normal. So take a deep breath, and just get through this meeting. Then we’ll have time to think.”
“OK. How do I get through?”
“Just be yourself.”
Celestia, now acting as a mare-in-waiting, escorted in three well-dressed ponies. A wavy-maned Earth stallion said. “Greetings, your highness. I am Hoity Toity.”
Derpy waited for a beat, then remembered what Karyn said. “Nice to meetcha, Toity!” she said. His jaw fell open
The unicorn mare tried next. “And my name is Upper Crust,” she said.
“How you doin’, Crusty!”
Upper Crust thought about fainting, but decided that it wasn’t worth it.
The third pony was a pegasus. “Hoi Polloi at your service, Princess.”
“What’s up. . . “ Derpy leaned in and whispered to Karyn. “I got nothing on this guy’s name. What do I do?”
Karyn stage-whispered back so that everypony could hear. “I know a lot of people think that ‘hoi polloi’ means the high society, but it actually refers to the masses.”
The three ponies in audience looked at each other, as if trying to decide who would be the spokespony. Finally Hoi Polloi said, “We have come, Princess, to speak with you about your. . . advisor.”
Upper Crust took up the thread. “You see, we feel that if humans are to be allowed into Equestria, that we should take the opportunity to really learn about them.”
Derpy held up a hoof. “What do you think I’ve been doing?”
“We mean in a more controlled setting,” said Hoity Toity.
“What exactly are you asking for?” said Derpy.
“We know of ponies who have laboratories set up. We’d like to take your human and have her studied by some scientists,” said Upper Crust. “Then we would truly know if she’s dangerous and how she can be helpful to ponykind.”
“WHAT?!” Derpy screamed. It was a forceful scream, but it carried some unseen power in it. The high-class ponies cowered as Derpy appeared to grow larger. She spoke to the three of them, and although her voice was the same, in some small way, she sounded like a princess.
“All of you, listen. I don’t know how I got roped into this job, but I certainly know that you would not have been so disrespectful when Celestia was Princess. I’ve come across your type before, who look down upon humans and don’t even give them the dignity of a name. Karyn is my friend. You are only my subjects. But even back before this job was thrust on me, she was still a better person than you three are!
“So, by royal decree, I’m officially ordering you out of here with the warning that if anypony accosts, interferes with, discriminates against, or commits a wrong against Karyn—no, against any human—that pony will no longer be welcome in Equestria.”
The ponies in audience looked nervous, but still a little defiant. Derpy wondered how she could be sure to reach them. She got an idea.
“Furthermore,” she said, “all their lands and money will be turned over to the royal treasury.”
That did it. Hoity Toity, Upper Crust, and Hoi Polloi turned tail and ran out of the room, quickly saying thanks-for-the-audience-princess.
Derpy sighed and slumped in the chair. Karyn rested a hand on her wing. “Thanks, your highness.”
“Oh, Karyn, please don’t ever call me that.”
“All right. Thanks, Derpy.”
“I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I was so nervous the whole time. And I hated to have to dress down those ponies, even if they were mean ponies who wanted to experiment on you.”
Karyn smiled. “They deserved it though.”
“Yeah, I guess I did enjoy it a little. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Wait, do I have to raise the sun? I don’t know how to do that!”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” a voice said.
“Celestia! Please tell me that you’ll still raise the sun for me,” said Derpy.
“I’ll do more than that. You don’t have to be Princess anymore.”
“Huh?”
Celestia pulled the crown off of Derpy’s head. “I hope you’ll forgive me for putting you through that. The elites of Canterlot can be quite a tricky group.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Me neither,” said Karyn.
Celestia looked at her. “For a while now, I’ve been hearing requests and feeling the pressure to do exactly what they asked Derpy to do: keep you here and run tests on you. But they never quite came out and said that that’s what they wanted to do. As I said, they’re tricky. If they didn’t actually get a decision, they could stir up enough sentiment in favor of it. So I had to make them want to say it out loud. It’s official record now that they have been refused by the Princess.”
“But why couldn’t you have just said no yourself?” asked Derpy. “You’re Princess Celestia. Everypony listens to you.”
“I wish that were true. Some ponies think they know better than me, and politic for their own ends. I have to be tricky myself. Once more, I’m sorry I had to put you on the spot, but nopony else would give such a sincere and forceful denial. Nopony else cares for Karyn as much as you do.”
Derpy and Karyn looked at each other.
“Wait,” said Derpy, “What about the crisis? The big catastrophe that we had to avert?”
“Oh, I think that imprisoning Karyn would be quite the catastrophe, don’t you?” said Celestia.
“And there was no prophecy? No seer from a long time ago?”
Celestia put on her biggest smile. “I do see things now and again. And last night was a long time ago as these things happen.”
Derpy gave the Princess a look, but quickly realized that that might be insubordinate. The last thing she wanted was to have Celestia thrust her back into an equal position.
Karyn was deep in thought, and finally said, “Um, your highness?”
“Yes?” said Celestia and Derpy together.
“Sorry,” said Derpy. “I guess I got a little used to it.”
“What is it, child?” asked Celestia.
“I was thinking that those ponies might not be too far off. I mean, I don’t want to be kept here or have experiments done to me, but it is right for Equestrians to want to know more about me, and vice versa. If you do think of projects that we can do to further bridge the gap between our worlds, I’d be willing to help.”
Derpy trotted over to her. “If Karyn’s willing, then so am I. But only if you approve them, and not those ponies.”
“All right, my dears,” said Celestia. “That’s good to know. And now, I really do have to get back to work.”
“And we should probably get the train back.”
Celestia stopped at the door to the main chamber. “For your patience and for your pains, I can at least send you home on a chariot.”
Karyn and Derpy demurred, but a moment later found themselves being pulled through the streets of Canterlot on a chariot of gold by two guards. They were even more conspicuous than before.
“Well, Derpy,” said Karyn, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“No. I’ll trust Princess Celestia from now on. Even if you did give her carte blanche to mess with us."
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When i first saw the title, I instantly thought that would be hilarious...
...and it proved right...and slightly scary. I never want to get on the bad side of Derpy now...
1420002 <----This exactly.
Bronydragon
Wow...this chapter was interesting. Troll...I mean Celestia had to find a way to have somepony refuse the stud of humans and who else but Derpy. I just hope that something else won't happen terribly...oh I forgot about the preview...Oh well...looking foreward for the next instalment.
26? What happened to 25?
Trollestia strikes again!
I'm not surprised that you haven't had the two of them to swap places. Karyn as a Pegasus and Ditzy as a Human,
Hah! Trolled by Celestia!
Yeah, the Canterlotian nobles strike me as xenophobes; then again, rich nobles tend to be xenophobes.
On a sidenote, eagerly awaiting First Contact!
1420174
Fixed. I proofread the chapter so I don't HAVE to proof the number.
All bow before princess Derpy! May her reign be long and uneventful
.
dammit, not first. now to read.
And good job, you fixed celestia in this one.
OH GOD jts an update im sooo excited but remembering last weeks preview i can tell you im already getting very pissed i do admit princess derpy title had me smile heh anywho (sigh) like a bandade lets get this over with
EDIT: whats this??? celestia DEFENDING karyn?? you sir madam has just made my day THANK YOU trully a complete relief on my part very cunning princess and now it is forever law so happy right now great chapter xD now that dramas out of the way NEXT WEEK woot cant wait
1422051
And the first new holiday is Free Muffin Day!
1423262 But knowing how Derpy is, Free Muffin Day will never have a set pattern for when it's celebrated. it could be in December one year and in May the next. You can never tell.
1423745 Or It could be Monday, and then Tuesday. . . and then Wednesday.
1423048
I'm glad I was able to restore your faith. Now I just have to work on Fluttershy.
1424261 Indeed. But it'll somehow make sense despite the random order.
Also, I have an idea for a chapter title: Derpyvision. Interpret it as you will, use it if you want.
1424261
in do time dont rush it otherwise the encounter would feel rushed or worse tacked on ive said before as well ive long since forgiven her of her behavior and of what she done to karyn i just expect a full attitude ajustment from now on ^w^ but dont do it just cause I said so do it when you can no rushing :P
Skrillex & Katy Perry - E.T. (Bugzz Equinox Remix) started. It always reminds me of First Of The Year Equinox - Skrillex. In that video things were really messed up.
Reading...
And as soon as scene ended, music ended.
Okay. Celestia the Trickster. Trollestia. She deserves that honorific.
Trollestia at her best!
this story has the funky seal of approval!
... probably going to have to make a gif of that
wut is the meaning of (they why)
Man I wanted to reply with a picture to the derpy princess thing.
Oh well, imma do it anyway!
i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/teh_pwnerer23/what_a_twist.jpg
Also, Celestia you such a troll.
Teehee hee-he-he-he *snort* he-he~
I feel light headed from giggling. Good show ol' chap, good show!
1512715 So...this may be over two years ago and it's entirely possible you received an answer via a private message but considering the error is still there...
The line where it says that is a typing error. The line should read as "Then why couldn't she just write that?"
5596910 Changed it. I think at the time, Fimfiction had a thing where, if you edited a story, it changed the publication date, and I preferred to leave a typo than to have the wrong date. But it works now.
This is the same Celestia who gave a rousing speech about how important it is to hate funny-looking foreigners in the first story, right? Platinum, Hurricane, and Puddinghead would have been so proud.
A: What the BEEP Celestial?
B: Derpy will last all of sixty seconds.
C: I probably would have done that too if I had just had to try and address a complaint to the princess, about BEEPING POTATOS!
Seriously, Celestial?
You couldn't have just told Deroy that?
I'm gonna leave "Deroy" in as it is a funny typo and might even be a good name but what I meant was Derpy.
I still believe that she wanted a break after the potato incident.
Oh God, the veggie civil war. The Carrot Republic in the north and the Potato Union in the south.
Are potatoes vegetables?