• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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145: Derp Hard, Play Hard

Derpy always liked to check Karyn first thing in the morning. She believed that if one was stressed out, unkempt, or had slept in, then there must be some problem that needed to be addressed. Too often this led her to assuming things that weren’t true, but she stuck to it. So when Karyn sat at breakfast with blear in her eyes and her hair stuck to the side of her head, Derpy saw an opportunity for her to help.

“How are things?” she asked, planning to draw Karyn out by degrees.

“Rough going. The whole job thing is getting to be a pain.”

“Do you—“ Derpy started, wanting to ask a follow-up, but Karyn hadn’t heard and in fact was giving all the information herself.

“I’ve done a couple more interviews, but I can tell that they’re not looking for someone fresh out of college. Or worse, they are, but they want me to be finished because they want someone to start right away and work full-time. I can understand that they’re more concerned with having someone to fill a position, but why can’t they think long-term and realize that it’s better to hire the right person now than to wait and have more turnover?”

“I can see how that would be frustrating.”

“I wish I could be like Dinky and get a provisional degree. Although it’s different. She’s probably not going to use it, while a big reason I want it is to get ahead in my career.”

Now that Derpy knew the problem, she had to figure out how to help. “Well, if what you say is true, then it should be better when you get closer to finishing. You’ll be able to tell them that you’re ready to start quick.”

“Yeah, but then there’ll be everyone else from my school looking for jobs too. And every other school. But more than that, I’m getting annoyed at the whole hiring thing. They filter out your resume if you don’t have the right keywords. If you do get a look, the people aren’t considering you as a person, they’re just looking for a reason to reject you, and if they can’t find one—or are too bored to care—then you get passed to the next step. I go on these interviews with stupid questions completely unrelated to the job, because they’re supposedly looking to see how professional I am. Well, guess what? I’m not that professional! I’m a twenty-plus girl who’s still into ponies! I just want to have a job to support myself and pay my student loans. I’m not dedicated to helping the company culture or whatever their line is. But I will listen to my boss and I know how to build and fix computers. That should be enough. If I could get some interviews with real IT people instead of HR drones, I bet I’d have something already, and it’d be good. As is, it feels like I’m just spinning my wheels.”

Derpy knew that Karyn had to get that rant out of her system, so she nodded where it was needed, but didn’t respond. But still she looked for some way to give her friend comfort.

“At least you’re getting the practice in. There are probably a lot of people who aren’t putting in applications or going on interviews. When the time comes, you’ll be quicker, more confident. You’ll get things done.”

“You’re probably right, but it won’t be much of an edge, especially when there are people who have actual experience working for money, not just internships. They’ll be ahead of me. Honestly, if there were a spell you had in your bag to get me a job, I’d forget about the ethics of it and use it.”

There was no such spell, of course, but now Derpy had another issue. She would have gleefully helped Karyn with any problem to get to what she thought of as the point of that week’s visit. But now that point seemed like it would be poking at a sore spot. Dinky’s graduation party, such as it was, was being held that day, and Derpy intended Karyn to come. How could she mention it without making Karyn feel bad that she still had school to finish?

While she was racking her brain, Karyn said, “Anyway, forget about that. Dinky’s out of school, right? Tell me all about how she’s doing. Did she ever have the party you were planning?”

Of course Derpy was not suave enough to play it off and be subtle. She burst out with “I’m having it today and I hoped you would come but then you seemed all down about not having a job which Dinky will so I wasn’t sure I wanted to mention it.”

Karyn laughed. “Of course I want to be there. And I’m sure we should go sooner rather than later. Come on.”

Derpy’s home was in readiness. She had spent all day Saturday preparing, leaving only the removal of the perishables. Space was at a premium, and so Derpy had come up with a clever idea. The terrace that looked over the yard held one set of bowls for snacks, and another set was on a picnic table. Pegasi would be encouraged to snack from the top and converse while in hover.

Not that so many would be coming. A few of Derpy’s workmates, some friends that Dinky knew, and ponies who were always on the lookout for a party. To which point, when Derpy and Karyn arrived they knew there would be someone waiting.

“Hi hi!”

“Hello, Pinkie Pie.” Derpy bowed.

“I’ve got music and games for later; can’t have a party without ‘em! But I’m impressed with the decorations you put up. Must have cost you a pretty bit!”

“It did, but I had some left over after buying Dinky her present.”

Karyn looked over the scene and realized where she’d seen it before. “Do you remember when I first started coming here and there was a party for Sweetie Belle’s cutie mark? The de-cute-ante ball? This has that feel.”

“Yes, I think it does. And that was the rare party that you didn’t have your hoof in, Pinkie.”

“I know, right? But Sweetie’s family was insistent. Thanks for letting me give this one my touch.”

Karyn wondered how much persuasion was needed on Pinkie’s part to convince Derpy to relent. And what her actual contribution would be. “What touch is that?”

“Just a little confetti when the time is right. Ooh, I think the time is right!”

The turn of phrase was so typical of Pinkie that Karyn had to laugh, but then she realized that Pinkie likely meant to use her party cannon. Bracing herself, Karyn covered her ears, but then to her surprise, Pinkie pulled out of hammerspace something much smaller. She realized that it was another instance of the hoofheld spells that Derpy used.

The spell fired out confetti, conjuring it from nowhere, allowing Pinkie to spray it like a hose. Had she become less random as time had passed? Did even Pinkie Pie age? Or was it simply a case of a more efficient tool for a particular job?

It was a different use of confetti, one Karyn remembered mostly at New Years’ parties; spread on tables, you were supposed to ignore it, put your drinks on it, and let it serve as pure decoration. But it was fun to take in hand. Of course, that would be confetti specific to the occasion. This was the traditional stuff, colored squares of a thick paper.

“That’s a handy little device you’ve got there.”

“More like a hoof-y little device, am I right?” Pinkie said, showing off her lack of fingers. “And I have Derpy to thank for it all.”

“Hey, don’t credit me.” Derpy backed off. “I just had the idea to go to Earth. It was Twilight and Lyra who did all the thinking and work.”

“Yeah, but you had the idea. Isn’t that everything?”

Karyn interjected. “No, it isn’t. The work is more important. Not to disparage Derpy. Whatever. What I’m more interested in is how you got one. I’ve only ever seen Derpy use them, and our guests on Earth when we had them.”

“They didn’t start out too popular at first because pegasi and Earth ponies figured that magic was best left to unicorns, and unicorns didn’t need them. But when some ponies were shown how they can do things faster and better, they caught on. Now there are some unicorns who just get by on crafting spells for other ponies. I should show you how my family uses them on the rock farm!”

“That sounds great. We should definitely do that sometime.” Karyn hoped that using “sometime” to mean “never” would translate well across worlds. But Pinkie was already walking away.

“Come on, they’re really proud of it.”

“But what about the party?”

“We’ll be back in time. Derpy, you don’t mind if I borrow Karyn for a little while, do you? Great.”

Karyn still searched for an out. “Won’t it take a long time? Don’t we need to get on the train? I can’t afford a ticket.”

“I’ve got another one for that.” Pinkie switched spells, and the next thing Karyn knew she was surrounded by a barren field of rocks. At that point she wasn’t entirely sure that Pinkie wasn’t teasing her and using her own weird powers. They hadn’t even been in contact when the teleportation occurred, and that was something Derpy always needed.

It was just as Karyn had seen on the show, but she remembered something about it. “Didn’t your niece take over and expand the farm? Isn’t it headquartered in Mustangia now?”

“Yes, but we’d never sell off this one. It’s been in the Pie family for generations. Three of them, at least. We use it for experiments and stuff. To wit, let me show you how we’re using the spells.”

She oriented herself, then led Karyn to a different field, this one busy. Nearest to them, a strong stallion was shaping a rock to what looked to Karyn like a cornerstone for a building. A mare was polishing wherever he took a chip or filed a burr. But Pinkie led them past that to some other stallions.

“Magic hasn’t outpaced hoof-work there,” she said, “but we do have a spell in case he chips off too much. It can put back rocks that have broken apart.”

“An undo function is always warranted.”

“Here’s where magic really gives us an edge.” Pinkie pointed to an area where the stallions were clearing and a solitary rock had the land to itself. A stallion carefully pointed one of the hoofheld spells and activated it. The rock doubled in size.

Karyn stepped back. Over the years, she’d developed a good appreciation of magic, especially when she’d had some herself. But when told to look directly at a breaking of physics, it still shocked her senses to see something that, on Earth, would be the start of a free-energy singularity. She wondered if the ponies would think the same way.

“So would this mean that you won’t have to farm rocks again? I mean, you could just have seed rocks and grow them like this, then chisel it off until you have the seed rocks back.”

“Nah, we’ll just keep farming them but use this when there’s an order for big ones.”

Shaking her head, Karyn said, “I just think that if you had ponies who were really inclined, they could take spells like that and industrialize Equestria. Imagine if it could work on food. You would make sure nopony ever goes hungry.”

“But nopony does go hungry, I mean, not past dinner time.”

“You’re right. And humans do. But then again, you don’t have seven billion ponies to deal with.”

“Stop reminding me. You know that I can’t go to Earth and be friends with them all.”

Karyn flashed back to Pinkie’s visit to Earth. It honestly hadn’t gone that bad.

Pinkie was quickly off that, though, and back on the main subject. “I know what you mean, though. Everypony who uses them worries about them getting into the wrong hooves. Like, if griffons had them or if there were just some pony who didn’t want to use them for the right purposes…if they wanted to make a rock so big that it just crushed everypony…then I’m pretty sure the princesses wouldn’t allow them. But as a tool to have around the house, spells are quite useful.”

“It’s good to know that the princesses would ban them, but that can have enforcement problems too.” Karyn was thinking of weapons laws in her own world.

“I don’t know that they’d out-and-out ban non-unicorn spells, but they’d just disapprove of them. Most ponies think that the princesses are wise and they listen to them, so they don’t have to lay down the law all the time.”

“Trust does matter. I wish we had that on Earth too.”

They watched the work for a few more minutes, but Karyn was getting impatient. “Don’t you think that we ought to be getting back to Derpy and the party?”

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

Karyn stood still and prepared to be teleported again, but Pinkie started cantering off, and Karyn had to catch up before she got too far away. “Aren’t you going to zap us back?”

“No, I was thinking that we’d take the train back.”

“But then we’re going to miss the start of the party. Or at least the chance to set up the party. Which might make sense. Less work for us.”

Pinkie laughed, possibly at the notion that setting up a party could be work. Then she said, “No, it’s not that. There’s somepony coming up on the train that I’d like to meet. This way, once she makes it to Ponyville I can guide her to the party rather than just having her stumble around hoping to find it.”

“Who is it?”

“Let’s not spoil the surprise. Come on!”

There was nothing to do but follow her. Karyn wondered if Pinkie might not have been subtly giving her a hint that the special guest she was looking for was, in fact, Surprise, the pony said to look almost exactly like her. But when they reached the small station near the rock farm and boarded the train, she was set right when she waved to a pony that Karyn recognized.

“Hey, Auntie,” the pony said. It was Suzie, Pinkie’s niece who now ran the conglomerate of rock farms and had been Dinky’s friend as a filly.

Karyn coughed to draw attention to herself. “You remember me? We met once.”

“Of course.”

“I didn’t know you were coming.”

“And miss Dinky’s graduation? Even if I were inclined to do so, Aunt Pinkie wouldn’t let me.”

It was only one stop back to Ponyville, but a long trip through barren fields. When they finally got off, Karyn had no trouble keeping up with the ponies. They wanted to catch up with each other, while Karyn wanted to get back to the party.

When they got back, they saw an outdoor grill set up with an oven beneath it. Karyn had never seen it before, and wanted to find Derpy to learn where it came from.

“Hey, Karyn! How was the rock farm?” Derpy asked, emerging from the house.

“Same as always. What’s with this?”

“My oven isn’t big enough for everything. Able rented this. I’m starting to come around on him.”

“Someone call my name?” Able Baker followed Derpy out with trays of baked goods balanced on his back. He slipped them into the outdoor oven. “We’ll get these on heat, and I think the ones inside are about ready to be pulled.”

“I’ll take care of that!” Pinkie said. “Let me do all the baking. You just stay here and socialize!”

Able didn’t argue with her. Indeed, Karyn hadn’t seen him argue with anypony. They all sat down at an outdoor table. Karyn and Derpy, Dinky and Able, and Suzie.

Derpy sipped a drink and smiled. “So like I was saying, once I got my head around the idea of Dinky having a coltfriend, I realized she picked a good one.” Able blushed at that.

“Right, you guys all had dinner together last week,” said Karyn. “How did that go?”

She was looking at Derpy, but Derpy only blushed, and Able had to explain. “She began with a real cold shoulder. Asking me, in essence, what my intentions were with her daughter. But then she calmed down and we had a great time.”

Recovering, Derpy said, “And Dinky got to wear her new dress, which looked amazing on her.”

Karyn remembered them picking it out. “Where is it? I’d like to see it.”

“We put it up for washing.”

“Oh.”

“But no,” Able said. “It was really nice. I envy Dinky’s relationship with her mother. It’s something I wish I could have had.”

“You weren’t close to your mother?”

“No. I barely saw her. My father raised me mostly.” He turned to Suzie, changing the subject. “You’ve known Dinky a long time?”

“Oh, yes, ever since we were fillies, though we lost touch for a long time and only got back in contact a year or so ago.”

Pinkie had brought out lemonade, and Karyn sipped at hers. It was just like a scene around the table at her parents’ summer parties, except that she was the only human being there. But she felt like part of a group, and if it expanded to where she was no longer noticed for being different, then that must mean she fit in.

Suzie was telling Able all about rock farming and how her mother had taken them from one struggling farm to many successful ones all over Equestria. Everyone else had heard this story, and they made small talk amongst themselves until Able slid his chair over to Dinky.

“We’ve got plans along those lines,” he said, “but nothing on the scale you’re talking about. You probably have to travel all over from farm to farm, right?”

“Sometimes, not as much as you might think. I still get to see my family plenty.”

“What Dinky and I are thinking is that we’ll start by having two bakeries, the one I have in the Crystal Empire, and one in some town here.”

Suzie was a little wary. “Are you going to compete with the Cakes? Pinkie Pie might not like that.”

“I’m scouting locations. Nothing’s set in stone yet.”

“When you want it to be, get in touch with me.”

It took Able a second to get it. “Ha, yeah. So we’ll have one here and operate each one for half the time until we can find a manager who can handle it while we’re gone.”

Derpy interjected. “You’re saying that you and Dinky will run it together?”

“Derpy, you don’t know how much she speeds up operations. With Dinky’s magic, she can heat an oven almost instantly. That means I don’t have to get there early to pre-heat them, and it saves on fuel. Or she can rapidly cool down a tray of cakes that just came out of the oven, meaning that I can fill orders on shorter notice. With more time and lower costs I can work on growing the business.”

Suzie nodded wisely, and even Karyn thought that it was simple, if not easy. But Derpy was rapt. She’d probably never thought how people made things more efficient.

“Then she’s helping out?”

“She’s invaluable.”

And Derpy looked at her daughter with new eyes, seeing her as an accomplished adult for the first time.

Pinkie Pie came and joined them, saying that all the baking was under control. When Derpy caught her up on the conversation, she too smiled knowingly. “Then I guess you’ll be…”

Derpy put up her hooves and said, “Aaa-aaah” to drown Pinkie out.

“Oops, almost spoiled the surprise.”

“How did you even know about that? I haven’t told anypony.”

“Oh, just figured it out on my own.”

Karyn leaned over. “What’s she talking about?”

“Don’t worry,” said Pinkie. “You’ll find out eventually. Let’s just enjoy the party.”

From there it was a typical Pinkie Pie party, with all the exuberant fun that implied. When at last it wound down, Derpy got ready to take Karyn home.

On the flight back, Karyn talked about what she had seen at the rock farm. “It’s amazing the way that magic can be used. It’s a big reason why I want to make sure it doesn’t get loose on Earth. While the princesses here can keep it under control, I don’t trust the human governments to do so.”

“I’m sure Pinkie was right about the princesses, but there’s something more than that. Ponies like Pinkie and Dinky are the ones most likely to look at things like hoof-mounted spells or using unicorn magic to make a bakery run better. And they’re good ponies who would never take it too far. The ones who would, I don’t think that anypony would sell them a hoof-mounted spell or help them out that way. And if they do go really bad, that’s what we have heroes for. Like when Sombra almost took over the Crystal Empire, they fixed that just fine.”

“Well, yeah, but it took a lot of hard work and Sombra almost won.”

“But he didn’t. Even when things are bad, good usually wins. Maybe that’s just Equestria, but I think it’s for Earth as well.”

Karyn thought Derpy was being naïve, but she wasn’t entirely convinced. “I hope you’re right,” she said.

Author's Note:

Next week is the last of the "F" chapters, the ones based on fan suggestions. Who suggested it? What's it about? You'll have to come back next week!

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