• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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142: Road Derp

Each week when Derpy arrived on Earth, Karyn was usually still in her robe, or maybe in pyjamas. Sometimes she would be in the process of getting dressed, but it was rare that she was ready to go and even more unusual that she should be perky in the morning. But that day Derpy found her in shorts and a light shirt, holding a glass and wearing sunglasses.

“Woo! Spring break, yeah!”

“Hey, Karyn! Looking good! What’s going on?”

“Spring break, yo!” Karyn repeated, dancing in the small space.

“You’re so loud. Aren’t you worried that Gayle might still be asleep and you’ll wake her up?”

“Probably she’s up, or I won’t be loud enough. Besides, if I do, spring break!”

Derpy smiled, but she put her hooves on Karyn’s shoulders and sat her down. “You keep saying that, like it excuses everything. What is it?”

“You don’t know? But I’ve done it every year.”

“Sorry, I don’t remember.”

Karyn got sober for the first time. “We get a full week off from classes in the spring semester. It’s kind of like the Thanksgiving break in fall, but that’s only a long weekend. Anyway, lots of students take the opportunity to go on trips or have big parties.”

“And you’ve done that.”

“No, but I have had spring breaks each year. The first year I was too frazzled by school and life in general. Same with last year.”

Derpy did some mental math. “What about second year?”

“I wasn’t old enough to drink.”

“You have to drink?”

Karyn blushed. “Well, you don’t have to. But it’s a big part of the spring break culture. The ideal is that you drive down to some place tropical where it’s warm, dress in revealing and risque clothing, drink until you get sick, do illicit drugs, and basically spend a week that you’ll regret forever.”

“And you want to do this?”

“Well, obviously not the regrets, but I do want to cut loose. It’s kind of a tradition among humans. Like, when people get married, the men and the women all have a party with just their own gender, which is also fairly debaucherous. A lot of people don’t like it when young kids do it, but since I’m going to be an adult soon, it’s my last chance to deny all responsibility and have fun being bad.”

Derpy nodded and said, “Thank you for that patient explanation. I understand now.”

“And you probably disapprove of—“

“Spring break, woo!” Derpy flew around the room.

Karyn broke up laughing, which set Derpy to laughing herself, and they both doubled over for a good minute before calming down. Then they looked at each other, cracked again, and it was another ten seconds before they could continue.

“So, that’s what spring break is.”

“Right, so where do we find some of these parties?”

Karyn was pleased that Derpy hadn’t tried to play the role of her mother, but at the same time she was wary. “You really think it’s OK?”

“Yeah. You’ll go, and I’ll be there invisibly. If I think that you’re in real trouble, I’ll pull you out of there. So you’ll be safe.”

“Thanks, I’ll be the only girl on spring break who’s sure of it.”

“But,” Derpy said, turning to the laptop, “we still need to find somewhere to go.”

Karyn tried a couple of searches, but nothing came up to her liking. “I’m not sure that this is the best way. The point is that they’re supposed to be spontaneous parties. I mean, I could look for ‘best spring break bars,’ but they’re probably all in south Florida and California...New Orleans.”

“Can we go there?”

“Ha, not without planning ahead and flying there. Not on your back I mean. In a plane. Costs a lot of money.”

Derpy’s face fell.

“I wonder,” Karyn continued, “if the stories about spring break aren’t half made up, or at least strongly exaggerated. Because I think you would have a lot more people in major trouble—I mean like winding up in the hospital or worse—if they were true.”

“Well, everyone likes to enhance their own stories.”

“Yes. And going back to what I said before about money, that could be it too.”

Again Derpy had to dig back in her mind to remember what Karyn had said. “You mean that they fly there?”

“No, what I’m saying is that the ones who go on spring break to those resort areas are the same ones whose parents bought them a car when they were still in high school. So not me. It isn’t right for me to be envious, but at the same time, it would be nice if everyone could have the same kind of spring break, not just the privileged.”

“That’s right, but we’ve got to be practical. What can we do to make our own fun spring break?”

“Unfortunately we’re really far from a beach.” Karyn tried to map out in her head where the closest one was, but realized that it was probably Mountauk Point in Equestria, and they certainly wouldn’t have any spring break parties there.

“What I’d prefer, if we had to have some kind of real fun, would be to do something like when we went to the convention. You remember that?”

“Of course I do...”

“Karyn. I think the opening ceremonies are starting.”
“Meh. We can go, but I wouldn’t expect much out of it,” said Karyn.

“Hey!” Derpy waved her hooves. “This isn’t one of those times where we sit around and reminisce over past adventures, but not doing anything new today.”

“Good point. But even if there was a convention going on, we would have had to register for it a while ago and plan the trip.”

“Seems like everything requires planning. Isn’t there anything like the convention, but is open regularly?”

Karyn thought about it. “Actually, I’ve read about a big store where there are lots of geeky things sold. But it’s way far away.”

“So again, something we’d have to plan for.”

“Unless we got in the car now and drove for two hours.”

“OK.”

Karyn was about to protest to Derpy that she had missed sarcasm once more. Then she thought twice and reckoned that it wasn’t sarcasm so much as presenting a ridiculous idea that Derpy had assumed was normal, both because she was Derpy and tended to do that and because she was unfamiliar with the ways of Earth. But then she thought a third time and realized that it fit in exactly with what she wanted to do with spring break.

“Road trip!”

“Yeah! Though, aren’t most of our trips on the road?”

“They are,” Karyn said, grabbing a few things for the car, “but a road trip refers to a long journey by car. It goes back to when the country’s roads were first all connected by highways, and you could go just about anywhere by car. Before that it was all about train trips or boat trips. But the car has more freedom, because you can just pick up and go.”

“Although, we can’t go too far. I have to work tomorrow.”

“Yeah. You should be younger and in school like me. Then we could go all week. We’ll spend lots of money and waste gas and be irresponsible.”

Derpy looked like she was about to argue, but followed Karyn to her car. “Do you at least know where you’re going?”

“I know the city. Once we get there, I’ll GPS it.”

They strapped in for the trip. Karyn had nearly a full tank in the car, so for the moment she wasn’t worried about gas. Once they got on the highway, she put it in cruise control and hung out lazily in the right lane until she came up on a slower car. The cruise would have run her into it, so she accelerated past. The sound of the engine had its own rhythm, so the flipped on the radio and found a music station playing a dance song. She rolled down Derpy’s window and her own, letting the wind catch her hair and Derpy’s mane.

“This is fun!” Derpy said. “Normally when we’re driving I’m focused on where we’re going. But since it’s so far away today I can just relax.”

“Yeah, driving’s a great stress relief. If it were free I’d do it all the time.”

They cruised on and didn’t speak. Karyn leaned her elbow out the window and drove with one hand. Derpy thought that this was less safe, but she adopted the pose itself and found it comfortable. Sometimes they would shift and Karyn would drive with her left hand and rest her right on the shift, even though it was an automatic.

After an hour or so they had fallen into flow state, and didn’t notice how hungry or tired they were. The first shock back to reality was when the radio station they had been listening to—not caring about commercials or DJ banter—started to have static interference. They were getting out of range.

“We’re making good time,” said Karyn as she turned off the radio. “We’ll stop off for drive-through. And while we’re there we’ll put on my MP3 player instead of trying to hunt around for other stations.”

“Road trips must have been harder when you didn’t have all that stuff. You would have had paper maps and you wouldn’t know where to go to find music.”

“You’re right. That’s why I don’t hold with people who are like Luddites and think that technology is bad.”

“It is what you do, after all.” Even though Derpy was invisible, she hunched down as Karyn pulled into a restaurant.

“Yes, but it’s why I chose this. OK, clam up and let me order.”

Choices were limited on the road, and there was no all-vegeterian restaurant, so Karyn had to make a meal out of side dishes. Her order was heavy enough for two, and it was difficult for her to get the person taking her order to understand. But the relaxed day gave her patience, and she didn’t get upset with him.

Once they had their food, Derpy asked, “You want to just park and eat?”

“Nah, that’ll cost us the time we’ve made. We’ll eat on the road and make a mess of the car. I’ll have it cleaned when I get back.”

The time it took them to eat was just about all they had left for the highway, which was fortunate as Karyn needed two hands to navigate the surface streets.

The city wasn’t as urban as the one by where Karyn lived, nor was it as rustic as Riverside. Parking was available in several municipal lots, including one right by where they wanted to go.

As they got out, Karyn turned back to the car and removed her jacket, tossing it in the back seat. “It’s nice enough that I don’t need this, especially since it doesn’t fit the look for spring break.” She had worn one of her more daring outfits, a spaghetti-strap top that showed her bare shoulders. Back when she could adjust her figure at will, she would try even more low-cut tops, but now she was somewhat embarrassed about her figure.

“Let’s go find this place you want to see,” said Derpy.

“Yes, and I might want to pick up some sunblock as well. I didn’t expect it to be so warm.”

They found the store, a brightly-colored place with a Japanese name. As they entered, Derpy realized that she would be hard-pressed to stay out of everyone’s way. The aisles were narrow and the store was packed to the ceiling with merchandise. Karyn’s first stop was a glass case full of model figurines.

“Oh, I remember that show!” she said, pointing at some elaborately designed robot. “Haven’t thought about it in years.” Looking at the price tag, well into the triple figures, she gave a low whistle and moved on, afraid to bump anything and be forced to buy it.

Beyond that were some obscure DVDs and Blu-rays. Karyn looked them over. “Anything good?” muttered Derpy.

“Yeah, but nothing I couldn’t get online if I really wanted, and discs break.”

“Don’t hard drives fail?”

Karyn scowled at the empty air. “I keep excellent backups.”

She browsed around some more before finally deciding on a mini-figure. She had hoped to see more pony merchandise, but she thought that perhaps hardcore geeks weren’t as open to the pony thing. She didn’t see anything in pony that she wanted to spend money on, but at the same time she didn’t feel right not supporting the store.

Back out on the street Derpy had room to stretch. “What should we do now?”

“Let’s take this back to the car first of all. I didn’t spend too much on it, but at the same time I don’t want it damaged or stolen. Or forgotten by me which is most likely.”

“And then?”

“Well, we’re here to have fun, right?”

“I am having fun.”

“But you didn’t do anything.”

“You’re having fun, and I’m enjoying being with you when you do it.”

That was enough for Karyn, who skipped down to the parking lot and flashed open the door to get it in. “Ooh,” she said, “I’m going to enjoy getting in the car when we go home.”

“Huh?”

“It’s the best feeling, when you come in from the cool air to a car that’s been warmed by the sun. With your open carts you can’t know it.”

“That does sound nice...where are you going now?”

Karyn was heading toward a corner. “I want to go into that bar.”

“A bar?”

“Yes, Derpy. I know this isn’t a real spring break, but I want to at least get close to being edgy. It’s not enough just to be on a road trip and go to a geek store. I want to test the waters of being an adult. And since I don’t know where to buy drugs and since I’m too protective of my body to go pick up a guy, that leaves that bar.”

Into Derpy’s voice came the same tone she used when talking to Dinky. “I don’t know. Don’t bad things happen in bars?”

“Yes, but this doesn’t look like a dive, and it’s not the middle of the night yet. I won’t get drunk, but I just want one or two.”

They entered the bar. What Karyn didn’t say, but thought about, was that if she got in trouble, she was counting on Derpy to stop anything really bad from happening. She was still worried about being found out, but that would be OK so long as she wasn’t hurt.

The bar was sparsely populated, and the bartender got to her quick, but Karyn didn’t know what she wanted. A drink menu was laying on the bar itself, and that saved her from having to ask what things were. Eventually she decided on a tropical drink with fruit juice mixed with liquor. The bartender gave a knowing smile, as though expecting her to order something like that.

When it came, she sipped nervously at first, but then found that she could barely taste the alcohol at all and drank with more vigor. “How is it?” asked Derpy.

“Interesting. Tasty. Let it actually get into my system first. See, I’m thinking that if I get a job I’m going to need to learn how to drink with coworkers. I’ll want to be able to enjoy it without getting crazy. Of course, it’ll help if other people are paying for them.”

As though she had sparked the idea, a young man came over and sat down on the bar stool next to her. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“What’re you drinkin’?” he said with an accent.

Karyn had to check the drink list again to remember what it was called. She giggled at herself as she told him.

“Get you another?”

“I’m not sure about that. You from around here?”

“Yeah, I go to the college.”

“Oh yeah? Finishing this year too?”

He blushed. “No, I’m a freshman.”

“Oh.” Karyn smiled again and finished her drink.

They shared a little more polite conversation, but when Karyn was done she left the bar and walked back across the street with a smile on her face. Derpy said, “I think he was trying to hit on you.”

“I know! It was awesome. If he’d been a little older...and if I hadn’t had you with me, then I might have spent some time with him.”

“You’re happy about it?”

“Yes. It makes a girl feel good for people to want her and think she’s pretty. Derpy, you were married once. Did you really give up on stallions forever after that?”

Derpy usually responded quickly because she knew that Karyn couldn’t see her and needed sound cues. But she didn’t say anything for a while. “It never came up again. Nopony wants a mare with issues and a daughter.”

“Somepony must. But even if not, wouldn’t you like it if they flirted with you?”

“I guess I would.”

Karyn was relieved that she hadn’t offended Derpy, and wondered if finding her a special sompeony wouldn’t be a good project for her. “Well, don’t worry about it. Let’s go home.”

“Now?”

“Unless there’s something else that you want to do.”

Derpy swooped in between Karyn and the car. “But you’ve been drinking!”

“I slowly sipped one fruity drink after a large meal while talking to someone. I think I’m OK to drive.”

“No! The very fact that you think you can means that your judgment is impaired. Come on, give me your keys.”

Karyn made no motion for her purse. “Are you going to be the designated driver?”

“No, we’re going to wait until the alcohol leaves your system.”

“I don’t even know how long that is. Hang on, I’ll look it up.” She pulled out her phone. “Two hours?!”

“Then that’s how long we have to wait.”

“Derpy, you can’t mean that. I’m going to be fine to drive.”

Derpy slammed her hooves together. “Sorry, but rules are rules.”

Karyn wished that she had lied and said one hour, but it surprised her so much. “What if we take a little walk around and see what the rest of the city has to offer. That will speed up my metabolism so that I’ll be sober sooner.”

“Well, we should wait the full two to be sure, but I guess an hour-forty-five wouldn’t be too bad.”

Karyn hoped that Derpy’s sense of time wasn’t as good as her sense of space and direction, and that she could shave some off of that. But she put her keys back in her purse and took a walk around.

It wasn’t a city she’d particularly like living in. Making a mental note to not focus her job search on this area, she passed historical areas that seemed like the worst sort of tourist traps. Beyond that were more bars and restaurants. Neither of them were hungry, and going into the bars would have been counterproductive.

“Is there any water around here?” asked Derpy. “You could at least have that aspect of your spring break.”

“No, not in this city. I guess I know I’ll never have that full experience, where I get plastered or take my shirt off on camera. I don’t want that; I’m too sensible. But part of me wants to want that.”

“I don’t really understand, but if it’s something you think you should do, maybe you ought to.”

Karyn thought before speaking. “Here’s where this comes from. Because I’ve been looking for jobs I’ve been reading tips on how to act, and some of them say to make sure there are no compromising pictures of you on social media. Don’t show yourself drinking, and such. But, what, are you supposed to wait until you get hired to do that? Until you’ve worked there a year? Until you’ve retired? Because I don’t see a lot of forty-year-olds cutting loose and living like teenagers. And that’s not fair. The implication is that hard partying is bad, and that you’re better off if you don’t want to. Well, maybe it’s a rebellious streak, but when someone tells me something is forbidden, I want to do it more.”

“Pinkie Pie parties hard.”

“Ha, yes, she does, but not in that way. More like Berry Punch, though even she doesn’t take her alcoholism to where it can hurt her.”

Karyn turned her steps back toward the car with the aim of driving home one way or another. She wanted to get back on familiar roads before the sun went down, and Derpy would have to go then anyway.

“Are you sure you’re fully sober?” asked Derpy.

“Yes. Probably after having the Apple’s cider I can hold my liquor fine.”

“All right, but I’ll be ready to take the wheel at a moment’s notice.”

“Thanks, Derpy.”

“You’re safe with me.”

Karyn shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. Thanks for thinking that I’m too impaired to drive. It’s the one way this is like the worse of the spring breaks. Even though you’re sincere, it’s like you’re pretending this was all that it could have been.”

“And besides, by doing it all in one day, you have the rest of the week off.”

“There is that. Or rather, I have the rest of the week to look for a job. I hope I get an interview this week, because it’ll be easy to schedule.”

Derpy leaned the seat back as Karyn pulled on to the highway. “And you say you’re not responsible,” she said as they headed for home.

Author's Note:

Next week, we have the penultimate of the F## chapters, based on a suggestion by Granpa_Pony, who last gave me the idea for having Karyn and Derpy watch Rainbow Rocks together.

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