138: March of Derps
Derpy coughed and sputtered, breathing laboriously until she cleared her throat. After that it took some water before she could speak again.
“I’m sorry about that,” said Karyn. “That was completely my fault. I should have warned you.”
“No, it was mine. I shouldn’t react so violently when I drink something I don’t expect. And I should have noticed anyway.”
Karyn wiped down the table where Derpy had spit the tea. She was right, in a way. She should have noticed that Karyn had used a tea kettle instead of the coffee maker that morning, and that instead of the bitter taste of coffee, there was the citrusy flavor of tea.
“Of course,” she said, “you’re probably wondering why I decided to make tea instead of coffee today.”
“Actually, I hadn’t yet recovered from the initial sensation. But now I’m curious.”
Karyn went into her cupboard and set up a platter with some shortbread cookies. “Because I thought it’d go better with these.”
“Ooh, biscuits!”
“I—if you prefer. But here we call them Girl Scout Cookies. Most people like the thin mints better, but these are my favorite, and now is the season for them.”
Derpy took one and bit into it. “But I thought that your foods didn’t go out of season. Like, you can get rare fruits even in winter. And shortbread...well, I don’t know if it’s wheat or what it’s made of, but grains are always available.”
“It’s not like that. The Girl Scouts are an organization that raises money by selling the cookies. They’re fairly expensive, more so than regular store cookies, and if they were available all year round fewer people would buy them. But when they’re only sold part of the year, people will buy. Plus they know they’re giving.”
“And you bought some because you were a part?”
“Oh, no!” Karyn evinced shock. “I wasn’t part of the Scouts. I was a geek.”
“Then why?”
“Well, in the first place, they’re really good. In the second, it feels nice to give back. Yes, I know that I’m just a poor college student about to have to pay back massive amounts of student loans, but I’m still better off than a lot of people. I try to give to charity when I can.”
Derpy hesitated, and Karyn sensed that she was trying to dance around a subject. “What do the charities do with the money?”
“Well, you get some who skim off the top, and there’s an exposé on those every few years. But most of them are good and get the money where it needs to go.”
“Which is where?”
Without realizing it, Karyn had wandered into one of those unpleasant conversations she tried to avoid. “It’s, well...there are some people who don’t have enough food or water or homes or medicine and such. So we have charities to help them out.”
“Hm.”
She couldn’t tell if Derpy was judging. Probably not. “I think you have less of that in Equestria because a larger percentage of ponies are in those lines. You have more farmers and builders and maybe even doctors. Not as many IT professionals.”
“We don’t have any of those.”
“I know, I was just being silly.”
“But it sounds like a good idea!”
“Getting an IT professional for Equestria?”
It took Derpy a few moments to retrace her sentences and see where she’d gone wrong. “No, I mean having a charity for everypony to give to and using it to help.”
“But whom would it be for? Doesn’t everypony there have the basic necessities?”
“Yes, but it would be for...ponies like you. I mean, not ponies like you, but those who are starting out and don’t have a lot of money. Like when somepony wants to start a business, a lot of times they don’t have the bits to get the storefront or the advertising they need, so they decide that the business isn’t really worth it. If we gave them the money, they might.”
They decided that they’d had enough cookies, and Karyn put back the box. “It does sound like a good idea, but it could also be that you need more investment capital. Whatever. Let’s find something we can do.”
Derpy was already going for the laptop. Any sentiment from the previous week about using outdated means of finding information was gone. Together they looked at the web sites of various charities and the methods they used to fundraise and distribute.
Derpy pointed a hoof at the screen. “What’s this one? A walkathon?”
“Ugh. I had to deal with those back in high school. Not fun, if you ask me.”
“How do they work?”
Karyn cast her memory back. “Well, everyone gets together on a date to walk some number of miles. But before that they have to go out and get sponsors who’ll say that they will give so much for the number of miles. Why I don’t like it is that it puts pressure on everyone. The walker has to get the sponsors, but because they don’t just give at one time there has to be a sheet with how much they’re all given. So it’s like a contest of who can give the most. And if you’re strapped for cash, you don’t know how much to say because you don’t know how far they’re going to walk.”
“Then why do they run them?”
“Sometimes charities have to resort to pressure to make people give what they ought to. That’s one reason that I do things like buy Girl Scout cookies. It lets me say I’ve done my part.”
Derpy pounded one hoof with another. “Well, I want to give it a go. I’m going to ask all the ponies of Ponyville if they’ll give for this.”
“You want to plan a walkathon?”
“Planning’s too hard. I’ll just do it today.”
Karyn tried to talk Derpy into being more sensible, but she would not be balked. “Then at least I’m coming with you to keep an eye on you.”
“Of course. Wouldn’t have it any other way. And how much can I put you down for per mile?”
“Sorry, I spent all my bits getting Dinky to the Crystal Empire.”
“I’m just teasing!” Derpy motioned Karyn onto her back. “Even if you had more, I wouldn’t make you pay. But I am going to need paper to write down everypony else’s contributions.”
“Wait, don’t rush. You’re really going to do a walkathon?”
“Of course not. I’m a pegasus. I’m going to do a flyathon. I’l get ponies to sign up to give money for how much I can fly.”
Karyn wanted to try to argue more, but before she knew it, she was walking the streets of Ponyville as Derpy accosted everyone she could see for donations. She had to explain the concept several times. “No, I’m not delivering anything, not today. I’m just flying and seeing how far I can go. You give bits for that, and we use it for ponies who need it. Not me.”
It was impressive. Derpy was doing it right, getting donations from ponies other than those she knew. It wasn’t putting pressure on them; if one said no, Derpy just said thanks and moved on.
“This is something really good you’re doing,” Karyn told her.
“Yes, but I’m going to have to stop soon.”
“Why?”
“I want to rest a little before I actually do the flight.”
Karyn grabbed the quill and scroll that Derpy was using. “I’ll get some more.”
“Thanks,” Derpy said. She sat down on a convenient bench.
After walking a little ways away, Karyn had to return when one pony asked her a question they should have thought of. “Where are you doing this?”
“I’m not sure,” she said. “Let’s ask Derpy.”
“I hadn’t thought of it,” Derpy replied when asked the same question. “I really don’t just want to fly in circles over the same spot again and again. What I think I should do is to go over as many of the streets of Ponyville as I can. That way we can add up the length easily just by knowing which way I went.”
“That’s good. And that way anypony who doesn’t want to follow you for the whole thing can go just about anywhere and they’ll catch you overhead at some point. But we still have to decide where to start.”
“There’s a field on the edge of town where pegasi take off from when they’re having races and such. Once, a long time ago, Rainbow Dash and another pony...well, that’s a boring story. But the field’s still there. Come on.”
She led the way, walking slower than her usual pace to keep her wind up. “Let me see how many ponies are on the list.” Karyn looked, and more than the number of ponies she wanted to know the total amount, so it took her a while to add it up. “Ponyville will do all right if you can fly far.”
“I think I’ll wait an hour or so. The sun is making the air as hot as it will be. Besides, we might get some more contributions between now and then.”
On the field, Derpy, who normally shied away from others, seemed to be making a spectacle of herself. Well, thought Karyn, if there was a time for it, this was it. She alternated between resting and stretching on the ground, bouncing up and down to practice her takeoff, and telling any ponies who stopped by what was going on.
Ponies on the field were few and far between, but they seemed to be filtering in from town. Derpy was beginning to feel the nerves. Ponies were looking at her and talking in hushed tones. It was nothing she wasn’t used to, because everypony stared the first time they saw her eyes or watched her act clumsily or talk to a mailbox or such. But most of the natives had gotten used to it. Now, once again, she was the center of attention.
The sun had come down from its peak already, but Derpy knew that two hours afterwards was the hottest time of day, and it would be better after that. If she had had the idea earlier, she would have taken off at noon. That would have still been cool enough, and the high sun would have been out of her eyes.
But that was not so, and she had to deal with the heat as it was. Early spring, it wouldn’t be too bad. She took her place and spread her wings.
“You’re ready?” asked Karyn.
“As I’m going to be.”
“Everypony!” Karyn raised her voice. “Derpy’s about to take off. Let’s all hope she flies far so that we can help as much as we can!”
A cheer ran through the crowd, and Derpy left the ground.
The wind vibrated her wing-feathers and her mane at the same frequency as Derpy glided across town. The cheer had petered quickly as everypony realized that she wasn’t going to fly fast like Rainbow Dash but pace herself for distance. Besides, she was out of hearing range quickly.
The first few streets she flew down, she was all focused on staying up with the minimum use of energy. But as she made her way, she was slowly entering a flow state. Each time she noticed she tried to focus more, but it was like counting sheep at bedtime, where she could never get far above one-hundred before her mind wandered. But she realized that it was a kind of flying she hadn’t done in a long time.
When she’d first learned to fly, she would take endless treks through the sky, just seeing where her wings could take her. Always in a new direction, often without any useful accomplishment, but she would fly every day, and she would drift off in the bliss of her own movement.
But as she grew, every flight was a means to a destination. Delivery on weekdays, Karyn’s on Sundays. Now, in her flight for charity, she felt an echo of the old enjoyment. All the more so because she was free to choose her path, so long as she stayed in town. Each intersection gave her the option to take it or keep going. She deliberately chose ways opposite those she took on her mail route.
There was a tree she could never remember seeing before. Over there, that building, was it new? No! It was just the back side of a store that she passed every day. But she didn’t know that they had a back porch. Did the road really curve in parallel with the river? From this direction, she could see that it did. She wondered if somepony in old days owned a mill there and graded the road to match.
If she was feeling fatigue, Derpy hadn’t noticed it yet, but there was something she wanted to do before she got too tired to enjoy it. One road went a few blocks behind her house. If she flew there, and crossed over to the road that other ponies took to get there, she could see her own home from a new angle. Yes, she would lose some of the distance count, but it would be worth it.
Her angle was just right so that the sun was behind her, and it danced on the backs of bushes and trees that she saw every day, but not like this. And there was the little path that she walked every day. And there—
It was Karyn! Perhaps not knowing what better to do, Karyn had walked back. Derpy was pleased that she had learned some of the directions without using her GSP or whatever that device was in her car. She waved and Derpy smiled at her. A small loop let her know that Derpy was thinking of her while again adding only a little to her distance.
Now she felt it. It began as a tinge in her sides, and she tried to ignore it, but her wings were getting tired. No! Not far enough yet, not nearly enough. If she’d planned this better, she could have worked up her distance, but she had been impulsive. Taking a deep breath, she plunged on. If she could make it through every day carrying the mail, she could do this.
She abandoned her hometown sightseeing tour and took the familiar routes. Now it was about stretching the time. Over and over she told herself, you do this every day, for longer than this. You can make it. But of course, on those days, she had frequent stops to deliver mail and talk with other ponies.
It was almost over. Her wings were cramping. She needed to land and rest. Circling back home, she would land there and that would be it. Her flight was all glide now, but it was still an effort to keep her wings spread.
Karyn saw her again, and there was disappointment on her face, or was it worry? Derpy would land and find out. Talking and flying were separate things. Tired of flying wouldn’t make her too tired to talk.
“Come on!” Karyn was shouting. “A little more!” But Derpy was done. She had made her “a little more” move on the last pass. She was spent.
Gritting her teeth, Derpy determined that she would beat her fatigue. With minimal effort, she changed position from a glide to a dive. This had to be precision, and she hoped Karyn would understand. Flying right for her, she waited for Karyn to turn, then swooped down and ducked her head. She caught Karyn’s leg and flipped her into the air, deftly catching her on her back.
Then she pumped her wings, finding reserves she didn’t know she had. Her muscles burned, her feathers were numb, but she was gaining height. Karyn’s surprise had given way to elation, and she gave a “Woo!” as Derpy peaked one more time.
It was only another flight around the block, but it was that much longer that she wouldn’t have gone without Karyn. For the third time she saw her home, and this time, she touched down and got her footing. As soon as she did, her wings snapped to her side, and she was sure she could not reopen them.
“How far did you go?” Karyn asked.
“I couldn’t say. I’ll have to add it all up when my head is clearer.”
“Oh, of course, how silly of me. You must be exhausted. Come on inside. Or, I could take you to the spa and let Aloe and Lotus give you a rubdown.”
Derpy shook her head. “I just want to get off my hooves right now.”
She collapsed on the couch, and though room was tight, Karyn sat next to her. Derpy said nothing, but Karyn could see the swelling and redness at the base of her wings. Assuming a forwardness not common to their friendship, she reached over and pulled Derpy’s right wing open with her hand, and gently rubbed the sore area.
“Ooh—“ Derpy said, wincing, but it only lasted a moment. “You don’t have to do that.”
“You’ve done something very helpful today. Someone needs to help you in return.” She switched over to the left wing, and kept going back and forth until enough strength had flowed back into Derpy to prop them open herself.
Now she could lean over and rub each wing with one hand. She had no technique, but it had to be better than nothing. If only, she thought, there were some oil or whatever the masseurs used to make muscles feel better. “I’m all right,” said Derpy after a few minutes. “I can get up now.”
“Just a little bit more.” Karyn said this in a way to reassure Derpy that she didn’t have to get up right away, but the truth was that she liked rubbing Derpy’s soft wings, and had never had a chance to do so.
Whatever intimacy was created by the physical contact, it was broken by a knock at the door. Karyn pulled her hands off at the sound, only a second before Derpy would have trapped them by the rapid closure of her wings once more. She got up and answered the caller.
“Mayor Mare!”
“Good to see you again, Derpy. I haven’t been here since...”
“Lyra’s wedding,” said Karyn, joining them.
“That’s right. I just wanted to thank you for what you’ve done today. It will mean a big help to Ponyville.”
“We still need to figure out just how much help.” They put their heads together and did some calculations.
“I hope you’ll let me handle things from here out. It is part of my job. I can collect the money and manage the fund.”
Derpy brightened. “I’d be all the happier for it. The flying was easy compared to what I was worried I’d have to do there. Though, I do wonder, would you be willing to entertain a request?”
“Hm?”
“When you collect it, and before you spend it, can I at least come and look. I’ve never seen a whole lot of bits in a pile, and to think that I earned it, even if not for myself, it would interest me.”
Mayor Mare laughed, and said, “I’m not sure if we’ll have it all at once. Finances don’t often work like that. But I’ll see what I can do.”
“I’d appreciate it. But excuse me now, please.”
“Something to do?”
“I have to take another flight.”
The mayor looked surprised. “So soon?”
“Karyn has to be brought home.”
There was still time, but Karyn didn’t argue and got on her back. On Earth, she said, “I need to tell you again what a good thing you did today. They should acknowledge you for what you did. Like, if they use the money to build a park, they could call it the Derpy Hooves park or something.”
“That would be too much for me.”
“OK, maybe just a bench in the park with a plaque that says that you helped donate it. You see that a lot on Earth.”
Derpy shook her head. “I wouldn’t deserve it if they did something like that.”
“Hey! You busted your tail out there today.”
“Sure, but while I was trying to do nice things for everypony, I had a selfish end on my mind. It was there all the time, even though I enjoyed canvassing around and the flight itself.”
Karyn sat down next to her. “Tell me about it. Nopony else needs to know.”
“Because I said I wanted to do nice things for ponies who need it, and I was thinking about Dinky. And about myself when I was her age. I have no regrets, but I do wish that somepony had been there with a little money to get me by when I had to find a job and get a house and raise her all on my own. And I worry that she’ll wind up the same way. I’ve done as well as I could for her, but I don’t feel it’s enough, and I do feel that everypony else should help her too.”
“That is selfish. But it’s not your selfish thoughts that you’re judged by. It’s what you do. Personally, I agree with you, that Dinky is awesome and everypony should help her. But there’s someone else who needs help just as much, and you’re going to be the one to have done it. That makes things a little more right.”
“Well, I suppose that’ll be enough. For now.” Derpy, tired wings and all, hugged Karyn goodbye and left for home.
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Actually thought there would be April Fools joke, but, charity's just as good.
5811907 I don't like April Fool's Jokes on the Internet. It's like if a newspaper decided to run a joke edition. I read for information and entertainment, and one day out of the year I lose that. I wouldn't put that on all of you.
Round and round the town she goes, where she lands, the buck stops there.
If a lot of bits got raised, Derpy might actually start a new "thing" and each year could get bigger, especially with celebrity flyers like Rainbow Dash and Twilight who should be known across Equestria.
And I'm positive Earth-based charities would love to have a cute pony flying or trotting for donations.
5814452 I AM THE GHOST OF CHAVIS PAST
I COME TO TELL YOU ABOUT HOW I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT THE STORY WAS EVEN ABOUT
5814452 only 48 dislikes in three years?That's darned impressive anyways!
May all your bacon burn.
Let's see how many people get that reference.
Just to confirm, I'm still enjoying these stories.