• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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12: Derple Date

The dormitory at USCI had a vacuum cleaner for communal use. Early Sunday morning, Karyn had signed it out and was cleaning the carpet, singing to herself.

“La la la, cleaning for Derpy. La la la, Derpy Hooves gonna be here soon.”

She had no definite plan in mind, but as she saw the weather outside the window, wondered if Derpy and she might not take a flight up to the clouds and see the layout of the town. Derpy had talked about doing that last time.

The knock on the door took Karyn by surprise, and she had to catch herself from saying, “Come on in, Derpy!” Derpy wouldn’t knock, she thought, so who is that? The vacuum’s not that loud.

She shut it off and opened the door, then found herself being lifted off the ground. “Hey, babe!”

“Mike! What are you doing here?”

“Making an unscheduled visit, honey,” Mike said. “I thought you liked it when I was spontaneous.”

“Oh. I do, usually.”

“What’s the matter, afraid I was going to find you here with another guy? Fat chance of that!”

Karyn was unsure if Mike was complimenting her faithfulness or insulting her attractiveness. “Actually, I was planning on having a friend over today. Not a guy, though.” Not even a human being, she thought. Then she realized that Derpy would be warping in at any moment, and that Mike could wind up seeing her. She had to get him out.

“Hey, yeah? Well, text her or something and blow her off.”

“I can’t text her. She doesn’t have a cell phone. So, maybe you should—“

“Someone doesn’t have a cell phone? What is this, the 20th century?”

“Heh. Well, look, I’ll leave her a note or something and we can go out.”

Mike threw down his backpack and said, “What’s your hurry, sweetie? I just got here. I figured we’d hang for a while. You got anything to eat?”

“Nothing much. Some cookies in the fridge. I can lend you my meal plan card and you can go get something if you want.”

“That’s cool. I’ll go in a few. I’m dogged from the drive up here,” Mike said, flopping onto Karyn’s bed.

Karyn bit her nails trying to think of how to avoid disaster. “Are you sure? I’m a little hungry myself. I’m sure I could go for some pancakes.”

“Chillax, babe.”

Karyn sat down at the computer and racked her brain. Was there any way that she could alert Derpy not to come? No, she had taken back both bags of spells from the time she was stuck here, and without magic, communication with Equestria was impossible. How about getting Mike out? She had already tried that, and he looked fairly well glued to the bed.

Well, if she couldn’t count on ingenuity, maybe she could count on serendipity. Derpy might decide to take a day off. She could be busy with a friend of her own. She could have more spell problems. She could have some sort of safety on the spell that would detect the presence of another human in the room and return her to Equestria. She could. . . be arriving right now!

Karyn didn’t know when she picked up on the signal, but there was a change in the air pressure whenever Derpy appeared in the room. Out of time and options, she threw herself on the bed and landed on Mike, putting her hands over his ears and giving him a loud kiss.

“Morning, Karyn, I—“ Derpy said. She had appeared in the correct direction and saw Mike. Thinking quickly, she plunged her hoof into her bag, found the invisibility spell, and turned it on.

“Damn, girl!” said Mike. “I was hoping you had missed me, but I didn’t expect that.”

“I really don’t know what came over me. I guess I thought that if you were being spontaneous and showing up unannounced that I could try to surprise you as well.”

“No complaints here! But hey, did I hear someone else talking?”

“I don’t think so. Might have been one of my ringtones,” Karyn said.

“Probably. Give me another kiss like that.”

“Not in front of. . . I mean, not right now.”

Karyn got up and sat back at the desk. With the immediate crisis averted, she turned her attention to figuring out what she was going to do. What she needed was a moment to converse with Derpy. She looked at the Bluetooth on her desk. Could the trick really work on a person in the room?

She picked up her cell phone and pretended to look at it. “I’d better call this person back,” she said. She fake-dialed a number and held it to her ear, looking at Mike. Fortunately, he was spacing out on the bed.

“Hey, D,” she said. “Yeah, not a whole lot. My boyfriend just showed up today. What are you going to do? Really? Just hang in the bathroom washing your hair all day?” Mike was looking the other way, so she pointed frantically toward the bathroom. When she saw the door open and close on its own, she said, “OK, well, I’ll see you as soon as I can. Yeah, talk to you later. Bye.”

When she turned back to look at Mike, he was texting on his own phone, but he put it down and sat up.

“So tell me how you’ve been. How are classes going?” he asked.

“Good, they’re good. Ever since mid-terms I’ve been fine.” She wondered how much she could tell him about the mid-term incident, or any of the amazing things that had happened to her that semester. It didn’t seem fair to keep him in the dark. “How about yours?”

“Professors are busting my chops all the time. Doesn’t seem right, I pay their salaries and they get to tell me what to do.”

The small talk was getting to Karyn, making her worry about Derpy stuck in the bathroom. “Would you excuse me?” she asked. “I’ve just got to powder my nose.”

He grinned at the expression.

Karyn slipped into the bathroom and turned on the light. “Derpy?” she whispered. “Are you here?”

“Yeah,” came the return whisper. “I figured out what happened. You’re smart the way you figured out how to tell me!”

“Let’s not go patting each other on the back.”

“Right, unless we’re choking. Then it’s OK,” said Derpy.

“Yes, Derpy. If we’re choking. But we’re not, except metaphorically. What should we do?”

“Well, whatever you were going to do with me, why don’t you do that with him?”

“I was going to go flying with you, mapping out the city. Not exactly something I can do with a wiry guy in glasses,” said Karyn.

“No, probably not. Well, I’m sure he’s going to want to take you out somewhere. I’ll come along invisible. It’ll give me a chance to see human interaction.”

Karyn wondered how well she could give her natural reactions knowing that Derpy was listening to everything that went on, but Mike would be an interesting study. She turned on the faucet and pretended to wash her hands, then went back into the dorm.

“Hey, babe,” said Mike. “Thought you fell in or something.”

Karyn gave a nervous laugh. Mike had opened his backpack and took out his laptop. “What’s your wi-fi password?”

“You’re going to use the network? OK, it’s—let me spell it. Dee-ee-are-pee-why-four-hundred.”

After a few seconds, he said, “Thanks, hon. Net’s been down over at my place all week. I’ve been going out of my mind!”

“Oh, man. I can imagine. No e-mail, not being able to do any schoolwork. . . “

“Haha! Die, scumbag!” Mike yelled.

“What?!”

The tinny speakers on Mike’s laptops played stock explosions and spaceship sounds. “Oh, you’re playing an MMORPG,” Karyn said.

He ignored her and concentrated on his game. She looked around the room and found one of the books that Derpy had been looking at when she was stuck on Earth. Counting on Mike not noticing, she slipped it through the bathroom door. At least Derpy wouldn’t have to just stare into space. Karyn sat back down at the desk.

The sounds of the game continued to pour from the laptop, punctuated by an occasional grunt from Mike. When one of the grunts seemed to indicate a positive outcome, Karyn took the opportunity to interrupt.

“So, do you want to go out for a walk?” she asked. “It’s such a nice day, and we could hold hands and catch up.”

“Not right now, babe,” he said, not looking at her. “Maybe later.”

“Want to head over to the student union? They’ve always got something going on there.”

“Nah, bunch of losers over there.”

Karyn was starting to get frustrated. “How about the rec room, then? That’s almost always empty, especially this time of day. I bet I can kick your butt at foosball!”

The game made a particularly loud explosion. “Damn it! Just give me a few minutes, will ya, sweetie? I gotta get past this part.”

Karyn stopped pressing. She didn’t want to seem like a nagging girlfriend. She knew that Mike generally liked to hang around the dorm more than going out, but she was keyed up to get some fresh air.

She picked up a plastic grocery bag that had been left lying by the desk. “Oops,” she said. “Forgot to put away the toiletries I bought yesterday.” Mike didn’t say anything, so she ducked back into the bathroom.

The pages of the book were turning on their own. “He won’t leave, Derpy.”

“OK, well, why don’t we leave? He’s obviously quite content to hang out here. Let’s duck out and just take a walk around the campus.”

“That could work. OK, I’ll step out and you follow.”

Karyn stepped out of the bathroom and got her purse and Bluetooth, but from behind the laptop, Mike said, “Are you going out? You mentioned picking up food before. Can you grab me a sandwich?”

“Well, I was planning to be out for a while. You’re not in a hurry, are you?”

“Actually, I am a bit hungry. It shouldn’t take too long, right?”

Karyn sighed. “Fine. I’ll be right back.”

She waited until she felt Derpy’s presence next to her, then walked out of the dorm, Bluetooth in place. At the moment, though, it was unnecessary since no one was around.

“Listen, I know this is none of my business,” said Derpy, “and I’m sure that Mike is a great guy and there are reasons that you love him, but just from what I’ve seen, he’s a little bit of a lump.”

“Oh, Derpy, you don’t have to mince words. We’re girls, and we’re free to run down our men if we want. Yeah, he’s being a stick-in-the-mud, but you’re not seeing him at his best.”

“I guess not.”

“I’ve known him for so long, and he’s always been there for me, you know? There’s just something about him and me that says that we belong together,” said Karyn.

“Well, that’s important.”

“So listen, after I get the food, I’ll try to get away again and then we’ll go hang out in the quad. How about that?”

“Sounds like a plan,” said Derpy. “But I’ll hang outside until you come out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll just face-watch for a bit. I like doing that at home sometimes.”

They retrieved the food and went back. Karyn walked swiftly to the room and put the sandwich on her desk.

Mike was exactly where she had left him, but while he had put away the laptop, he was now talking on his cell phone. She listened to his half of the conversation.

“Yeah, Rick. I’m over at my girlfriend’s place. Nah, nothing much, just chilling. Hey, are we going to the club on Thursday? Yeah, I know, it’s great. Oh, you know how Deezer is. Wait, was I there for that? OK, what did he do?”

Mike listened in rapt attention as his friend related some anecdote that Karyn couldn’t hear. He motioned toward her, and she looked at him funny, but then he pointed toward the sandwich and gestured that she should throw it to him. One he had unwrapped it, he gave her a look that could have meant, “Thanks,” or, “It’s about time,” or, “Why no pickles?” He bit in and his occasional assenting grunts became muffled.

After about five minutes, Mike burst out laughing, then he swallowed the bite he had in his mouth and said, “That’s great. Well, listen, I should get going, my girlfriend’s back. Yeah, I’ll see you then. Bye.” He clicked the phone shut and said to Karyn, “Hey, welcome back.”

“Thanks. Enjoy the sandwich? You didn’t say exactly what you wanted, so I just got you turkey and cheese. I figured I couldn’t go wrong with that,” she said.

“It was fine. Thanks, babe.”

Karyn opened the door again, and Mike said, “Where are you going? Don’t you want to hang out with me?”

“I do, but you don’t want to do anything.”

“I’m sure we can find things to do, but you’re just running all over the place. Why don’t you relax and come lay by me?”

Karyn finally realized what Mike really wanted. One-track minds, all of them, she thought. “OK, just let me take care of one more thing.”

He waved his hand noncommittally and she went outside. At the front of the dormitory building, she whispered, “Derpy? You there?”

“Yeah, Karyn. Some of the people here are really interesting.”

“I’d love to hear about it, but look, Mike really wants me to go be with him, and I can’t get away. I hate to do this, but—“

“But you want me to go. No, it’s all right. I’m just worried about you with him,” said Derpy.

“I can see why you would be. But, as much as I’d like you around, it’s just too tiring trying to split time between you. I’ll make it up next week, promise.”

“Talk to you later,” said Derpy.

When Karyn re-entered her room, Mike was finally off the bed. He had moved over to her desk and was idly pawing through some of her test results and homework. Karyn wanted to flop on the bed herself, but was afraid of looking too eager.

Still not looking at her, Mike said, “Hey, didn’t you tell me that one of your professors said you had some kind of special talent for IT? Because from what I’m seeing here, you’re not quite knocking anyone’s socks off.”

“It wasn’t quite a professor, but I’m doing well enough. Most of them seem to like me.”

“Yeah, you were always good at brown-nosing.”

He threw the papers back down on the desk in disorder. “Thanks for the sandwich, by the way. What did you have to run out to do?”

“Just see a friend. Girl talk, you know?”

“Which one, the heavyset one or the blonde?”

Karyn frowned. “My friends have names, you know. I take the trouble to learn your friends’ names. The two you mentioned are Molly and Jen, but this was De—someone you don’t know.”

“Sorry, babe.”

He gave her a wink and a smile, and her own expression softened. He always had that ability to make her feel a little bit better than she had before.

Mike fumbled in his pockets and pulled out his cigarettes and lighter. “Could you not do that in here?” Karyn asked. “I have to Febreeze everything after you leave.”

He said nothing, but went over to the window and threw it open wide, directing the smoke toward it. Karyn could still smell the tobacco, and she thought she heard a faint coughing from the next room over.

She kept busy, tidying up after Mike and organizing her own things while he sat and smoked. She shelved a stack of notebooks near to the window. On top was one where she had drawn a picture of Derpy during a boring class.

“Oh, man. Are you still into My Little Ponies?” Mike said. “You know, you’re a college student now. Aren’t you going to grow up sometime?”

“Do you watch the show?” Karyn asked.

“Of course not.”

“Then don’t criticize. It’s more of a grown-up show than you know.”

He said nothing, but finished his cigarette and threw the butt out the window. With Karyn’s back turned, he snuck up behind her and groped her from behind.

Karyn was startled. “Geez, Mike! Let me know if you’re going to do something like that. You could try leading up to it.” But she leaned her head back and let him kiss her.

“Sorry, babe. I figured that you wanted it. It has been a while for us, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, but it’s also broad daylight. So don’t expect me to tear off my clothes just because you’re ready.”

“Whatever. I know you love it.”

Karyn rolled her eyes, but sat on the bed with Mike and made out. She had no objection to making him feel good, but wasn’t prepared to go all the way.

He steadily grew more aggressive, leaning in and kissing Karyn with more intensity, until finally she pushed him away. “Look, Mike, I’m really not going to do this right now, not this time of day, and not just because you show up and ask for it.”

“What is with you?” he said. “Is it your time of the month or something?”

“Oh, of course. Any time a female shows any lack of desire, it has to be because she’s on the rag. Can’t be that she just doesn’t want to do it, or doesn’t find the guy all that attractive at the moment because he’s been nothing but a lump since he got here. Can’t be because he doesn’t do anything romantic but just shows up and expects me to cater to him. Has to be biological.”

“No, I just said that because you’re being so harsh to me.”

“This is harsh? You waltz in here without telling me, make me blow off my friend, and then you’re shocked that I’m not all sweetness and light? Since I am making time for you, you could try some actual conversation or interest in me.”

“Listen, Karyn!” he said, and stuck his finger in her face.

“No, you listen!” The finger was slapped away. Karyn was stunned, because she hadn’t done the slapping, nor had she said anything.

Derpy Hooves appeared between them, flapping her wings and hovering in the air with a scowl on her face.

“What the fuck is that?!” screamed Mike, as he fell backwards off the bed and started scooting toward the wall.

“Don’t use bad language in front of Karyn!” said Derpy as she advanced on Mike.

“How can you come out here and ruin Karyn’s day like that?! You’re supposed to be her boyfriend! You should know how sensitive she is. Don’t you care about her? I’ve had to stand here and watch you all day thinking of nothing but yourself! You don’t do anything, and you don’t say anything until you want something!

“Karyn is a super-nice person, and you should consider yourself lucky that she even looks at you, to say nothing of being your girlfriend! You should appreciate her and pay attention to her, especially when you’re a guest in her room, but instead you lounge around on her bed, make her get you food, smoke when she tells you not to, and then force your affections on her!

“If you pulled that kind of stuff where I come from, you’d never make it to adulthood without being sat down and taught a firm lesson about how to treat others. As it is, you should take a long time to think about what you’ve done!”

Mike finally came to his senses, and he tore out of the room. It finally occurred to Derpy that he had been more shocked at her appearance than at what she was saying. But that only made her angrier. If he thought I was dangerous, she thought, then why didn’t he try to protect Karyn instead of just running? She flew over to the door and slammed it closed.

She turned around to see Karyn with a look on her face that would have killed her, if looks could do that.

“Derpy, what the f—No, I won’t swear like Mike did, but I am very angry with you right now. Don’t you have any respect for privacy?!”

“Karyn, I know I shouldn’t have, but the way he acted toward you, I just couldn’t stand idly by and let it happen.”

“But it was none of your business! I’m free to let him treat me any way I want. Setting aside the fact that revealing yourself to any human is dangerous—“

“He probably won’t tell anyone, and if he does, he won’t be believed.”

“Don’t interrupt!” yelled Karyn. “Did you even consider what that would do to him? If he had a secret that he couldn’t share with anyone? Things like that eat away at a person, you know. But again, put that aside. To show yourself to someone out of anger, just to rant at them? What possessed you to think that was a good idea?”

“I don’t know. I just couldn’t stand to see you hurt.”

“No, Derpy. You couldn’t stand to see something that would have hurt you if it happened to you. That’s what comes of spying and eavesdropping. It didn’t hurt me. I love Mike. I don’t say that you have to, but I do.”

“Why do you love him?” Derpy asked.

Karyn stared daggers at Derpy again. “That’s a question that you don’t have the right to ask.”

Derpy opened her mouth to argue, but then shut it. The weight of what she had done hit her. She didn’t know if it was a difference between ponies and humans, or if it was because she was older than Karyn, or just because it was her nature. But she knew that Karyn was correct, and the best course now was to start minding her own business.

“I’m sorry,” said Derpy. “I was wrong. And I have no way to make it up to you. I’m going to go now, for real. Will I see you again next week?”

Karyn looked toward the door. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know if I want to see you next week. You really hurt me this time, Derpy. This wasn’t a playful mistake or something that I say you shouldn’t do but don’t mean it. This one cut deep.”

“I understand.” Slowly, Derpy strapped on her bag and got ready to leave. “But if I’m not coming back, there is one loose end I could tie up. If you’re willing.”

“What’s that?”

“You once asked me how I got my cutie mark.”



Next week: "A Very Special Derpisode."

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