• Published 25th Apr 2012
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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human - pjabrony



Serveral years after the events of "Lyra's Human," Derpy Hooves meets a human of her own.

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102: Never Ever Ever Derping Back Together

Derpy finished marking her list with the change. She would have to mollify a few other ponies and, in some cases, literally smooth feathers, but anypony who said that she needed to come probably had a good reason.

For the life of her, Derpy couldn’t think of one, though.

“Can I ask why you want to come? I mean, I’m sure Karyn will love having you, but is there a particular reason?”

“You don’t know how it’s been at the house ever since the wedding. Things have gotten…complicated.”

Derpy didn’t want to think about all the implications of three people, two of whom were married, living under one roof.

“It wasn’t as bad as it was before. Hank and I…he’s perfectly nice, but we’re just different personalities. Lyra’s exactly in the middle, and that’s why it works. When they first got together I figured I was being a third wheel, but she made it clear that I was just as important to her. It took me a while, but eventually I got to where I could live there and stay out of Hank’s way.

“But now that they’ve married, it’s the same thing all over again.”

“Well, that is part of what Hank wanted, to get the feeling of newness back that he’d lost with Lyra. I guess he didn’t realize how that would affect you.”

Bon-bon rolled her eyes. “Or he didn’t care.”

Derpy had never found Hank’s personality that acerbic. He was self-centered, to be sure, but not vindictive. “So you’re hoping that a trip to Earth—giving them time alone and yourself time alone—will rekindle your friendship with Lyra the same way?”

“That’s part of it.”

“And the rest?”

“They’re being all lovey-dovey. It gets to be too much.” She walked toward the center of town.

Derpy caught up quickly, not wanting to let an Earth pony get too far ahead of her even if they weren’t racing. “I have the second saddlebag here,” she said.

“Oh, right. The spells.” She strapped on the bag with dexterity, but left it loose around her belly.

“Are you sure you’re going to be comfortable like that? I can tighten it up for you.”

“I’m fine like this. Call me superstitious, but I’d prefer not to have the spells tight and close to my body.”

This was new for Derpy. “Any particular reason?”

“Magic always weirds me out a little. I was raised among Earth ponies, good, solid stock. Even though I struck out to be a candy maker, I’ve always been an Earth pony at heart.”

“But you live with a unicorn! Not only that, but a unicorn who was a major part of inventing the physical spell.”

Bon-bon nodded and shrugged. “Things go that way, sometimes. There’s no accounting for taste, nor for friendship. Lyra would probably cut off her horn for me, and I’d graft one on for her. But I’m not comfortable around magic and, truth be told, she’s always impatient with me when I have to use my hooves for something that she could just zap.”

“Sometimes friendships are like that, I guess. With opposites. The only problem is that my opposite would be a super-smart and able pony, and wouldn’t have time for me.”

Bon-bon wasn’t the type to reproach Derpy for self-derision, but she knew it wasn’t right and vowed to mention it to Karyn, who would do something about it.

They climbed the clock tower and Derpy reached into her bag. Gingerly, and with a pinched expression, Bon-bon got out the spell in the first position. As soon as she had it out, she slammed the flap shut.

Once on Earth and invisible, Bon-bon fairly raced for the apartment, and this time she and Derpy tied to reach the door. She reversed the invisibility spell, bit the strap that was holding the saddlebag on, and tossed it to Derpy, who placed it gently on the bed.

“Problem?” asked Karyn.

“Bon-bon’s a little thaumatophobic.”

“Hello, Bon-bon. Derpy thinks she can trick me by using a fancy word, but I know both of those roots. No more magic while we’re here, I promise. But is everything all right? I thought today’s guest was going to be C—“

“I know, I messed up your schedule a little,” said Bon-bon. “But it’s in a good cause. At least, I think so.”

Derpy explained what Bon-bon had told her, and Karyn agreed that it was good enough reason to bump her up. “By the way, do we have a human guest coming?”

“We do. He’ll be here in around an hour. If he’s on time.”

“An hour will be fine,” said Bon-bon. Stripped of her bag, she stood on her hooves and slouched. Karyn couldn’t tell how she knew it was a slouch, but a slouch it was.

“Please, sit down. Or lie on the bed if you like.”

“Yeah, do it. Karyn lets me crash on the bed all the time. Just try not to muss it up too bad.” Derpy straightened the blanket as if to emphasize her point.

Karyn leered at her. “You can even do that if you like. It’s Derpy who’s bothered by such things, not me.”

“Thank you,” said Bon-bon. “But it would be rude anyway. To mess up the bed, not to relax on it.” She brushed the dust off her hooves and rolled on to it. “Oh, yeah. This is good. Not as soft as Equestrian beds, but I like a firmer mattress.”

“You could probably even go to sleep if you want.” Derpy looked upwards and cudgeled her memory. “Have I ever slept in your bed, Karyn?”

“I don’t think so. You’ve slept over, intentionally or otherwise, but you brought your own bed. In any case, you can rest if you’d like, Bon-bon, but when my guest gets here it might wake you up. Or Derpy and I might just do that on our own.”

Bon-bon did not sleep, but she did slow her breathing and go into a kind of trance. It was restful enough that when the guest did arrive, rather more than an hour later, she was alert enough to ask why she and Derpy were being herded into the bedroom.

“Karyn likes to explain to the human before they see us. It helps put them at ease,” Derpy whispered.

The door opened, and they listened to Karyn greet the other human.

“Hey, babe. What’s up?”

Derpy inhaled sharply, then ground her teeth. In the dim light, Bon-bon could see her angry grimace. “That’s Mike!”

“Who?” asked Bon-bon.

“Mike, Karyn’s on-again, off-again coltfriend…boyfriend, rather.”

Bon-bon worked her way through the translation. “You don’t like him, I gather?”

“He doesn’t treat Karyn like he should. In my opinion. But I don’t try to interfere because that just makes Karyn more ornery and get close to him. Plus I yelled at him one time.”

“You did? But I thought he didn’t know about ponies.”

“Technically he doesn’t. But I dropped my invisibility in front of him out of anger. Now let’s see if we can hear how he reacts.” She craned her neck while Bon-bon looked on in shock. Nopony else had heard that story.

Meanwhile, in the living room, Karyn was dithering. “Do you remember one time when you got scared and ran out of the room? It would have been almost two years ago.”

“Vaguely. Something startled me.”

Karyn was amazed at how he could have rationalized the event away. “And do you remember how I’ve always been a My Little Pony fan?”

“Yes,” said Mike cautiously, as if wondering what the two could have to do with one another.

“Well, it’s all true.”

“What is? That you’re a fan?”

“No!” Back in the bedroom, Derpy was irked that Karyn seemed to get so tongue-tied around Mike. “What I’m saying is that My Little Pony is real. Ponies actually exist.”

“OK, I’ll bite. What’s the gag?”

“No gag. What you saw last time was a pegasus pony, the same one who’s currently waiting in my bedroom, along with an Ear…” She cut herself off as she realized that Mike would have no concept of what an Earth pony was. “…along with another pony, and they can both walk and talk and do everything that humans can.”

Before Mike could react again, Derpy stood up and motioned Bon-bon to do the same. They walked out into the main room. Derpy tried to keep her face placid but feared that some of her sourpuss face came through anyway.

Fortunately for her, Bon-bon took the lead in introductions. “Hello, Mike. It’s nice to meet you. This is Derpy Hooves, and I’m called Bon-bon. We come from Equestria.”

“Holy…” Mike uttered a word that the ponies found distasteful and Karyn didn’t like either. He walked around them as though sizing up a terrestrial equine, though he had no experience in doing so. “What’s with the bubbles and candy on your butts?”

“They’re our cutie marks. Ponies get them when they find out what their special talent or destiny is.”

“And what’s up with this one’s eyes? They don’t have optometrists in Ponyland?”

Karyn, horrified, grabbed Mike by the neck of his collar and dragged him away. “Don’t talk about that. It’s insulting. These are my friends, and you should be nice to them.”

“Wait, so you’ve been friends with ponies all this time and you never told me? That’s like lying!”

“I’m supposed to tell you about every friend I have?”

“When they’re magical, yeah!”

Karyn became acutely aware of two more pairs of eyes on them. “Don’t let’s fight in company. Try to be nice.”

To his credit, Mike accepted Karyn’s order and calmed down. He also gave up his inspection of the two mares. Against him, though, was the fact that he went right back into his usual mode of lounging around the place whenever he was at Karyn’s. Indeed, he flopped right into the spot on the bed where Bon-bon had vacated minutes before. Folding his hands behind his head, he said, “So what do you do with these ponies?”

Derpy decided it was time to get back into the conversation. She took a deep breath and said, “Karyn and I have all sorts of fun together. I see her just about every Sunday. Sometimes we go out on walks, or I help her with her shopping, or we’ll find something fun to do. Rarely, very rarely, we’ll spend a lazy Sunday together.”

It was difficult for her to be subtle, and the implication that she did not want to make that day one of those rare days came through. But it was Bon-bon who said, “That’s why I came here. I had all sorts of trouble with my roommate and wanted to relax. It started when—“

Mike interrupted her. “Hey, I like this one. But did you bring any candy?”

“I didn’t. I’m not like Pinkie Pie who can afford to give it away for free. Give me a few bits and I’ll hook you up.”

“Sorry, I don’t have any bits.”

Derpy looked at Karyn. She knew that Karyn had a few of her own on deposit in Equestria, and she hoped that she wouldn’t be asked to lend a few of her own to Mike. Not that she didn’t trust Karyn to make good, but she didn’t like the idea of having her own coins sullied by Mike’s hand. But in any case, Karyn didn’t offer.

Flying over to the desk, Derpy arranged some of Karyn’s items in her normal drive for organization. Mike whispered to Karyn in what he thought wouldn’t be heard, not understanding how good ponies’ hearing was.

“How does she fly?”

“It’s magic. I wondered the same thing. The aerodynamics don’t work.”

“Oh,” he said, and he turned back to Bon-bon.

“Oh? That’s all you can say? I was amazed when I learned that magic was real.”

“Yeah, it’s good, but in the first place, it’s not really useful magic. I mean, it’s not like we could use it to build a rocket to mars, right?”

Karyn thought that it might be possible to do that if some unicorn put the effort into it, but the princesses probably wouldn’t see the point. Still, she wasn’t going to tell Mike. If the only beautiful thing he could see in magic was science, she didn’t want to talk about it.

Mike stretched out and lounged on the bed again. Bon-bon knelt down next to it. That was extreme for a pony. Most of them were comfortable enough on their hooves. Perhaps Mike’s sloth had convinced Bon-bon to join in.

If the two of them were content enough, Derpy wasn’t. She occupied herself on Karyn’s computer, but it soon paled. “Come on, let’s go do something.”

“What did you have in mind?” asked Karyn, hoping for something that Mike would be interested in.

“Well, since there’s four of us, we could probably play a board game and make it more interesting.”

“Nah,” said Mike from the bed. “I’m not into board games. K knows that. I could play video game though. You haven’t gone and bought an X-Box yet, have you?”

“No, she hasn’t. She does PC games sometimes, but not the serious ones.”

“How do you know so much about her?”

Derpy swallowed her first response. “We talk, things come up. I know that Karyn likes video games but she doesn’t feel she has the time or the money for them right now.”

He shrugged and leaned back.

“I’d rather go out anyway. It’s a nice day and we had such a long winter that I’m trying to make up for it. Bon-bon, don’t you at least want to see some of Earth while you’re here?”

“I do,” she said, “but not right now. Let me just enjoy the lack of responsibility for a while.”

“All right.” Karyn was antsy nonetheless.

Derpy went up to her. She did not keep her whisper low, partly because she knew that Bon-bon could hear anyway, and partly because if Mike heard, she didn’t care. “We could always go out just the two of us. Bon-bon and Mike could hang out here until they’re ready.”

“That could work,” said Mike. “Just text me later on where you are and Bonnie and I will catch up later.”

“It’s Bon-bon, not Bonnie.”

Bon-bon looked at Derpy, grateful for not having to say it herself. But Karyn had had enough. “All right. I’m going to go wash up. After that I’m putting on my coat. Once I’m done, we’re going out to have fun.”

Before anyone could respond, she quick-marched out of the room. For two minutes, no one spoke. It was awkward for everyone with the possible exception of Bon-bon, who kept her head down.

“That’s it, let’s go out.” Karyn emerged from the bathroom. “Mike, you can ride in back. Bon-bon can go there too since she can stretch out. Sitting in the front is difficult for ponies, so I won’t make her do it.”

“Karyn, you always do this!” said Mike. “I don’t want to go out. I have enough to do in the middle of the week. Makes me wonder if you get anything done there since you’re always so full of energy on the weekends. And you don’t want to put it to good use. Send the ponies outside and I’ll wear you out.”

“Arrgh! Both of you! Shut up!” Everyone’s attention turned to Bon-bon, who had stood up and was snorting such that steam came from her nostrils.

“Karyn, it’s great that you’re full of energy,” she said, “but not everyone is, and no one likes it when you put pressure on them to do things. And you! Mike, is it? Pressure is nothing compared to what you do! I can tell right away that you’re a classic manipulator. But even beyond that, if you want to relax, you can’t argue about it, just do it!

“I know, because I live with a couple who have their differences, and sometimes they fight, and sometimes beyond that they put me in the middle of it, but I still learn how to deal with it, and so should you!”

It was perhaps lucky that Karyn was so distracted by Bon-bon's rant that she didn't notice Derpy smiling open-mouthed and silently saying, "Yeah!" Mike's reaction was as excited as he got.

"Karyn, your horse friend is yelling at me."

"She's a pony, not a horse."

Having gathered her breath, Bon-bon decided to go again, this time giving her attention largely to Karyn. "You've met Hank, he's a sour case, but at the same time, he puts a lot of effort into his relationship with Lyra. And maybe, Mike, you're having a bad day, but when you're among guests, you've got to at least put on a show. Hank does, why can't you?"

It was a rhetorical question, and Mike didn't answer. He did, however, drag up his form off the bed and say, "All right, what would you like to do?"

Karyn looked down at her shoes. "Actually, what I would like to do is to get a moment alone."

Derpy caught Mike's leer, as the notion of time alone still only meant one thing to him. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, please."

"Come on, Bon-bon. The invisibility spell doesn't hurt, and I'll show you around."

Bon-bon gritted her teeth and took the spell, leaving the rest of the saddlebag in the bedroom. They vanished and walked outside.

"Are you going to eavesdrop?"

Derpy drew back and took to the air. "Under no circumstances! A good friend doesn't do that? Are you telling me that you eavesdrop on Lyra's and Hank's private conversations?"

"No, but they never actually ask me to leave."

"That could be a difference between humans and ponies. We tend not to ask for that. Most of what we say is public."

"Humans are different." Bon-bon leaned in close. "Are you sure you won't listen?"

"No. Besides, Karyn will tell me afterwards. I hope."

In fact, their ears were still picking up the muffled sound of Karyn's voice.

"Why do you have to be so rude to my friends?"

"Your friends? In the first place, why don't you get some real friends?"

"What?!" Karyn shouted.

"I mean, people friends. I'm sure they're nice, but you know what I mean."

"Yes, I do. But that's not the point. I don't know if we can be together anymore."

Mike was apalled, but to Karyn it looked like he was doing it because it was the reaction she expected. "Why not?"

"In the first place, we're too different. I just showed you that true magic exists. There's a whole different dimension where our laws of physics don't hold, where the ponies live together in harmony, and you take the news like I just mentioned my parents' anniversary. I don't see myself spending my life with someone like that. I mean, I don't expect you to treat it like a new religion, but a little passion wouldn't be out of place."

"I have passion."

"Only for yourself." She sighed. "But beyond that, I've grown to be different over the past few years. Derpy is a part of it, but more than that I've grown up a little. And that's something that I haven't seen from you. You haven't changed at all. I hate that I'm being stereotypically female, but yes, I want someone in my life who's trying to improve, not just stagnate."

He looked at her, and all at once he deflated. "All right. Well, we've gone through this before. Call me when you want to get back together."

"You call me when you think you deserve it. Otherwise, just wait."

He left.

It was several minutes more before Derpy and Bon-bon returned to the apartment, and Karyn appreciated the time to collect her thoughts. When they finally came back, she made coffee for all of them.

“Normally, Bon-bon, Derpy and I let the guest pony go home first and we talk about how the visit went. But I’m glad that you’re here today. I have the feeling that you were on my side today as much as her.”

“It’s not a matter of sides,” said Bon-bon, who had sensed what was going to happen.

“You’re right.”

“I don’t understand,” said Derpy.

“It’s just this.” Karyn paced the room. “Mike is part of my life from when I was young. Younger, I should say. I’m still young. Part of me wanted to get away from him because of all his faults, but more of me wanted to cling to him because there was still a chance to be what we were supposed to be. Right now, in this world, two people who fall in love don’t always have a happy ending. In Equestria, it’s different.

“I always thought that I would grow out of things like My Little Pony and believing in magic, and grow into things like love and relationships. And now it’s working exactly opposite. I don’t think I’ll be getting back with Mike ever. And that scares me.”

“Why would you grow out of Equestria?” asked Bon-bon.

“I’ll try to explain.” Derpy put a hoof on Karyn’s shoulder and looked her in the eye. “Remember that Mike was confused about your cutie mark. Humans don’t have set destinies. They don’t have a princess to tell them how the world works. They have to choose their roles for themselves. And sometimes they choose wrong. When that happens, there can be a lot of trouble for them before they get it right. If they ever do. That’s why humans need friends just as much as ponies.”

And though she was still nominally talking to Bon-bon, Karyn knew that Derpy could look in two directions at once.

Author's Note:

At last I have time to write out a solid preview without rushing until the last minute! Here are some snips from next week!

“Is this the first time I’ve been here on a Saturday?” asked Derpy.

Karyn pulled away from her musings. “I don’t know. Any particular reason you ask?”

“No. I couldn’t remember either. I know I’ve done a Tuesday, a Monday, and a Wednesday, but I wasn’t sure about today.”

“That could be a good thing. You come so often that you’re used to it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How long are you here? Is it possible?”

“For once this works in our favor. If you travel to Equestria with us, we can return to the exact same point in time.”

“You have time travel magic as well?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"People only want magic because, in this world, it makes them special. If lots of people have it, it won’t be special anymore.”

Karyn took a hard look at Derpy. “That’s really insightful. You’ve learned a lot about humans.”

“Not really. I just know that you like feeling special, and your changeling magic is part of that.”



All that and much more next week! Please come back then!

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