Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

98: Breaking the Derpth Wall

As Karyn kicked a stone down the dirt path outside Ponyville, Derpy looked up at the sun. Even Karyn noticed that it was higher up in the sky than it usually would be if they were beginning their day in Equestria.

“We’re late,” said Derpy.

“Yes, we are.”

“You want to get on my back so we can catch up and make up time?”

“Not particularly.” Karyn slowed her walk even more, although Derpy could only go so slow.

“Are you really that worried about what Pinkie will do?”

“Somewhat. More than that I’d like to give her as little time as possible to do whatever it is she’s going to do.”

Derpy turned around and walked backwards. “What are you afraid of? That she’ll refuse to go invisible, jump around and pop out of odd places, introducing herself to every human she can find?”

“Yes.”

“Are you worried that her presence will turn all the humans into smiling, singing drones who’ll wind up parading with her through all the cities of Earth, only to then be released from her spell when she leaves and wonder what happened and how they can stop it again?”

“Yes.”

“Are you scared that she’ll just randomly decide that the entire Earth looks like a giant snow-cone with blue and green flavoring on top, and then it’ll become exactly that?”

“No, I wasn’t worried about that, until you mentioned it.”

Derpy decided she’d had enough and walked faster. “Well, we’ll ask her not to do those things. But if she is, then there’s no sense putting it off. Come on!”

Karyn tried to catch up. She reminded herself that, whatever mysterious powers Pinkie possessed, she was still just a pony, and a friendly one at that. If she talked and was in the mood to listen to reason, everything might go well.

Derpy was waiting outside the door to Sugar Cube Corner for Karyn to catch up. In her mind’s eye, Karyn saw Pinkie already waiting for them, probably knowing by sheer psychic ability their exact position relative to the bakery. She reached the entrance and opened the door.

“Pinkie Pie?”

“Hey!” She popped up from behind the counter, though of course it was perfectly plausible that she was crouching behind there to clean and hadn’t just teleported in.

“Sorry we’re late,” said Derpy.

“Oh, don’t worry about that at all! It gave me a chance to catch up on a few things I’m behind on in my work. This bakery is still open, you know, even on Sundays. Speaking of which, can I get you anything? Cookie, cupcake, éclair?

“No, thank you.”

“Actually,” said Karyn, looking in through the glass, “I think I am in the mood for a treat. But I don’t want something too sweet or that’ll make me hyper. Do you have anything like that?”

Pinkie Pie stared at her with a blank expression, and Karyn wondered if she had inadvertently insulted her by suggesting that sweet was ever an unwanted flavor. But Pinkie said, “How about some super-rich dark chocolate with an absurdly high cacao percentage? It’s like, one-hundred-forty proof!”

That relieved some of Karyn’s tension as she was amused at the thought of treating the strength of chocolate like alcohol. “I’ll try that.”

It came in a broken cube that looked like the side of a dark brown mountain after some volcanic activity. She bit into it, and as it spread through her the warmth made her feel better about the endeavor they were about to begin.

“Like it?” asked Pinkie.

“Yes. So, whenever you’re ready, we’ll leave for Earth.”

"Yes! I'm so excited to see your world! You don't understand what it's like. For me to see a whole new group of people that I've never seen before, it's like opening up a new can of chocolate frosting, where the top is smooth and flat, but maybe has that little swirl at the top where, when they poured it in, they finished it off by pulling away the spout so the chocolate went all pointy. It's a smooth layer, and then you dive in with your spreader, or sometimes I use a spoon, and you dig it out and then you see all the inner goodness and you know that that sweet, chocolatey goodness is just going to flow through you!

"And I actually get to meet one of them!"

Derpy had gotten lost in Pinkie's long simile. "You want to meet a can of frosting?"

"No, a human! I'm so glad that I didn't go first or second or third but got to wait until Twilight approved ponies meeting more humans so I get to see one of them and make them smile and laugh and give hugs and be the best of friends!"

Karyn looked to Derpy to try to stop this, but before she could get a word in edgewise, Pinkie kept going.

"But while making friends is the number-one thing I'm going for, just to see new places and new cities and eat new desserts is awesome all on its own! I could go on one of those tall buildings like Fluttershy did and look down and go 'woo-oo, woo-oo'." She pistoned her head up and down like she was a telescope. "Or I can go to one of your big mountains and see really far. Hey, Karyn, is it true that your world is spherical like a big marble? Can I run around it?"

Derpy flew up to the height of Pinkie's head, grabbed her face in her hooves, and forced Pinkie to look her in the eye. "Listen. Stop talking. We have to talk. I mean, I have to talk, and you have to listen, so that we can be clear on what's not allowed when you're on Earth. You're going to have to act properly and not go crazy."

Pinkie's back hooves tapped against the ground, as if by holding her head steady, Derpy threw her out of balance. But she said, "Is that how you acted when you first went to Earth?"

Flashing back to her early times in Karyn's dorm, she said, "Well, no. But I'm just a bumbling pegasus who can't do much harm, even with Lyra's spells to help me mess things up. And it was a month or two before I even left Karyn's room. We don't have that kind of time with you. So we need you to realize how serious this is."

"Aw, but serious is no fun. Pretty much by definition."

Karyn took a deep breath. "Yes, but this isn't just about you. Ponies visiting humans isn't something that's set in stone. Twilight could come back and say that it isn't working out, that it's too dangerous. So could Princess Celestia. Derpy and I have a veto as well. So if you do something to mess it up, you'll be messing it up for everypony else who wants to have the same fun as you do. Is that a Pinkie Pie thing to do?"

"No, it isn't." Pinkie's voice had slid down the scale, and her mane was sagging from its usual curls.

"Hey, don't be sad about it. It's just as bad if you go all Pinkamena."

"Huh? What do you mean, 'go Pinkamena'? Pinkamena's my real name. I just prefer the nickname. It's not as if that's some alternate identity of mine that's evil."

Karyn was surprised, but she smiled, and that made Pinkie happy, so the faux pas was passed over. "In any case, though, you have to promise not to cause trouble on Earth."

"I promise."

Derpy shook her head. "No, you have to Pinkie promise."

"Aww, shucks."

"Hang on," said Karyn. "Are you saying that if I had just left it at that where you promised but didn't Pinkie promise, that you would have broken your promise and caused trouble anyway?"

"Oh, no!" Pinkie got back on her hooves and started drawing an invisible diagram. "What I would have done is to made it look like I was causing trouble when I really wasn't so as to set up the most complicated comedic scenario, only to show you at the end how it all worked out and nopony got hurt, and how I really did keep my promise, just not in the way you thought I would."

"And a Pinkie promise?"

"Means I keep the promise the way you think I would."

"That's so Pinkie Pie that it makes sense. All right. Let's go."

Derpy got up as well and opened the door to the bakery, shaking off the flour that had collected on her coat and heading toward the clock tower. With Pinkie Pie bouncing ahead of the group, she got a chance to get a word with Karyn.

"Anything else you're worried about before we go?"

"If there is, she'll probably hear us and make another complicated joke about it."

"Right. Let's just go." The sun was directly above the spire of the tower as they entered, and Karyn realized that her weariness was not just the pressure of worrying about what Pinkie could do on Earth. She was hot and a little tired, and while Pinkie bounded up the stairs, Karyn took her time and trudged on each stair. The top did not seem to be getting closer.

Before she could wonder if Pinkie’s very presence had locked her into some sort of spatial loop, Derpy scooped her up and carried her through the gap in the staircase up to the top, where Pinkie Pie had just completed her hopping ascent. Karyn expected Derpy to proceed with the teleportation, or to give further instructions to Pinkie.

Instead, Pinkie was looking at someone who was already at the top of the tower, someone whom Derpy also stopped and stared at.

“Knew you’d be coming eventually. I figured you’d be earlier, but I can see why you’d want to take your time with Pinkie Pie.”

It took Karyn a moment to recognize why the figure looked out of place because, for all the time she spent with Derpy, and for all the time she spent in Equestria, she was still used to looking at humans more. It also didn’t help that the dark room in browns and grays was most like a setting on Earth. But when she took stock of her situation and realized that it was still Equestria she was in, then she put two and two together.

Derpy and Pinkie, of course, figured out who it was immediately, despite not having a clear view of the face. It was Lyra’s human.

“Hi!” said Pinkie Pie. It was close to impossible to avoid smiling around Pinkie, but the smile quickly faded into a scowl. Derpy could sense anger, but couldn’t pinpoint why.

“Heading back to Earth?”

“Yes.” Karyn didn’t like the tone she was hearing. “I’m bringing Pinkie Pie for a visit.”

“Well, that’s very nice.” The sarcasm was plain to everyone with the possible exception of Derpy.

“What, is there a problem with that?”

“Yes, there is. I don’t know that I should be consulted on this, but I still would have liked to have a chance to voice an opinion.”

Karyn read the meaning behind the words better than the ponies, but Pinkie Pie spoke first. “I love hearing opinions! What’s yours?”

“I don’t think that we should be opening up the border. I said this to Princess Celestia so long ago. What if some human figures out how to use pegasus weather control or unicorn magic for selfish ends? That could devestate the world. Both worlds.”

It wasn’t in Pinkie Pie’s nature to argue, and Derpy would say something once and then give it up. But Karyn was willing to hash over a point. “You said that,” she said, “but it’s not long ago anymore. Things have progressed. And we’re not just opening up the border. We’re being very careful.”

"Color me dubious. Sooner or later, this is going to turn out wrong."

Pinkie Pie reached into the saddlebag that had been passed among the guest ponies. Karyn thought she was planning to ignore the argument and go to Earth anyway just to make the point, but instead she held the spell aloft. "I think I know the problem. You're homesick! And maybe a little jealous that all the ponies are going to earth and not you, hmmmmm?"

"No! That's not it at all."

The ponies and Karyn could tell it was a lie, but neither Karyn nor Derpy knew what to do about it. But Pinkie Pie, to their surprise, became serious. She was not unhappy; the smile never left her face, but the tone of her voice was one that they hadn't heard.

"No, it isn't." Pinkie almost sounded like Twilight or Princess Celestia giving a lecture. "I know all about it. You see farther than most of us here. Everypony laughs at me not just for the fun things I do, but how I have these quirky charactaristics like 'breaking the fourth wall.' And since you were the one, way back at the beginning who figured out that life in Equestria is just a story, I can see how it would grate on you."

Derpy whispered to Karyn, "What's she talking about?"

"Shh. I'll explain later. Once I've figured it out myself."

Pinkie continued. "You're worried about how this will go not because of the logical possibilities of comingling the two worlds, but because of the dramatic possibilities. Ponies should be smart enough to avoid falling in with bad humans, but it's so tempting that it's got to happen, right?"

"It's more than that," Lyra's human said. "It's more selfish than that."

"I see."

"You do?"

"Of course. Part of why I love to effect laughter and smiles in everypony, and why I like to smile so much myself, is that if my life is a story, I'd much rather be the comic relief. Bad things don't happen to the comic relief. But the protagonist?" Pinkie cocked her head and pointed a hoof.

“Yeah, exactly, the protagonist. But when you’re a protagonist in a bad story with a broken plot and lousy characters, then what do you do? Look at me. Do I even have a name? Do I even have a gender? And you, you’ll always be a part of Ponyville, making everyone laugh, because that’s who you are. But what would you do if your story were over? If there was nothing left for you to do but watch everything happen around you?”

Pinkie, Derpy, and Karyn formed a semi-circle. Any anger had melted into pity. “It can be hard to shift from first-person to third,” said Pinkie. “And as far as a name, I dunno, you always seemed like a Hank to me. Can’t say why, maybe because that’s kind of a hard name, or maybe because it’s halfway between Hand and Hunk, which is how Lyra sees you. And I guess that makes you a guy, because that’s not a girl’s name.”

Hank, for no one had any reason to call him anything else, and no one had any reason to use any other pronoun, looked at Pinkie as if amazed that she would be so bold.

“Now,” she carried on, “do you still want to come with us back to Earth? I know you stop by from time to time, to pick up things for Lyra. You could get her something nice, or just enjoy the sights with us.”

“Yes, please do,” said Karyn. “We’d welcome having you back. I could show you where I come from and I could actually get another human’s perspective on what it’s like to know ponies and talk with them, and how living in Equestria has changed you.”

While they were talking, Derpy had gone and was looking off the edge of the clock tower in boredom. Karyn gave her a nudge on the flank, and she said, “What?”

“Wouldn’t you like to add how happy you’d be if he joined us for our day on Earth?”

“Oh! Sure. We do fun stuff all the time, so yeah, come with.”

“Anything wrong?”

Derpy looked at Hank, wishing she could talk without him present, then said, “All this ‘fourth-wall’ talk messes with my head. It’s too weird.”

“I’m inclined to agree,” he said, but if the anger had gone out of everyone else, it was rising in his tone. “Really, Pinkie, who do you think you are? Just because none of it affects you, you think you can just toss out names and have fun like there aren’t any consequences? I’ve had enough!”

He shoved Pinkie and Karyn aside and took off down the stairs of the clock tower, stomping his feet in a quick-march. After a half-minute of this, they heard the door at the bottom slam, echoing up to where they were.

“What happened?” Derpy looked down at the stairwell. “Was it something I said?”

“I don’t think so,” said Karyn. “If anything it was Pinkie Pie.” They looked at her.

“I was just trying to have a little fun. But I know that not everyone is like that. I just didn’t think that he’d react so strongly.”

Still looking down, Derpy said, “I feel like we should go after him. We didn’t really give him a fair hearing.”

“I thought I was helping.”

“You said good things, but none of us were really listening.”

Silence hung in the air for a few seconds, then Karyn said, “I’m for going after him.”

“Me too,” said Derpy.

“Then what are we waiting for?!” Pinkie started bouncing down the stairs.

“Hold it. I don’t think you should come.”

“Huh?”

“He was the maddest at you. So I think it would be better if you waited.” Derpy looked to Karyn for support.

“Derpy’s right. He’s never had anything against her, and when I talked to him at the Christmas party a while back, he seemed personable. If he gets irritated, it’s just from circumstance. I get the feeling he was never really a happy person, even back before he met Lyra.”

Pinkie pouted. “But meeting her should have cured all those gloomy-gus feelings.”

“They may have love between them, but that doesn’t always bring happiness.”

“I guess.”

“But what about Pinkie’s trip to Earth?” asked Derpy. “I hate to have to deny it to her because of Hank.”

“We can reschedule that,” said Karyn. “Will you be very upset?”

Pinkie shook her head. “No, I’ll understand. Besides, I got to spend time with a human, and that’s what I had planned for today anyway, right?”

Derpy and Karyn smiled. “Thanks for being a good pony,” said Derpy.

All of a sudden, Pinkie’s mood changed. The seriousness was gone, and she was back to being the happy Pinkie everyone knew. Her mane even poofed up beyond its usual. “Yep, and now that that’s done, you guys can get on to the next part of your story.”

“Huh?”

“Well, I knew that I wasn’t going to Earth, and that everything was going to turn out bad, but that you’d go after Hank and my part would be over, at least for the moment. So now that I’m out of the story, I can go back to having fun and eating pastries!”

Karyn took in a breath, like she wanted to argue, but just asked, “Pinkie, are you saying that you can see the future?”

“Of course I can! Pinkie sense, remember?”

“No, I mean really know what’s going to happen, not just—how did you put it?—vague and immediate events?”

Pinkie, still happy, said, “It’s hard to explain unless you can do it. I know, but that doesn’t mean that I can change it, or even say that I know unless that’s part of what I’m supposed to do. Just like right now you’re supposed to go and finish your story. I’m looking forward to it. This one’s even a multi-parter!”

With that, she did bounce down the stairs, and Karyn and Derpy let her go. It was faster anyway for Derpy to put Karyn on her back and fly down from the tower. Earlier that day it was Karyn who was all for dawdling and Derpy who wanted to keep up the pace, but now their positions had reversed. Although Karyn would never be so barbaric as to use spurs on her friend, she dug in her heels a little stronger than usual, hoping to make her descend a little faster.

“What are you worried about?” she asked.

“Well, like you said, he’s not a very happy person. So if we have to go there and he yells at us or gets mad, what are we going to do?”

“We’ll deal with it. He’s not going to hit us or do anything horrible; Lyra wouldn’t allow it, and I’m sure the princesses wouldn’t like it either if Earth’s only permanent resident here got belligerent. So if we have to argue, we’ll do that. It’ll be a lot easier than worrying about Pinkie Pie making two plus two equal five or something.”

Whether Derpy acceded or just reached the landing normally, Karyn didn't know, but they touched down outside the yard of that house that Lyra and Bon-Bon shared with Hank, and trotted up to the door.

Before they could knock, the door opened, and they each prepared to continue the bickering that had begun on the clock tower. On first view they assumed it was he, but the mint-green coat and horn gave away who had answered.

“What did you two say to him?!” Lyra demanded.

Author's Note:

To be continued...

Comments

[The Slending Angel]

0.0 Shit's about to get real...

[sjo3989]

ooohhhh cliffhanger, also thanks for the update.

[demanji]

so is pinkie not going?

[Booster Spice]

Annnd, that how badly Pinkie interacts with trans reality interactions with others.

I think I need to talk to someone about the idea of the maximally compact Hilbert folded HyperKlein Hologram model of the universe.

I beleive it might be a good basic description of what Pinkie Pie can do.

TL:DR. Dont Ask.

[Alexxx]

Awww, you're too hard on yourself. I loved Lyra's Human!

Though I like this story more!

[Sir Top Hat]

Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN!

[JAPH]

Props for using the verb form of “effect” correctly!

To affect is to effect an effect.

[tsaukpaetra]

Wow, that was fairly unexpected. Sure, we knew Pinkie would be obliterating the fourth wall somehow, but I did not expect it to down like that at all.
Makes me wonder if anon-Hank did that on propose...
Keep going! ;)

[Jaygryphon]

. . .

I wanna meet Applejack~

[Icy Creation]

"That's so Pinkie Pie that it makes sense. All right. Let's go."

You know, I don't think she ever actually pinkie promised.

I hate myself now for using that term.