Chapter 11: The Griffons
Princess Changeling Rainbow Magic Pants
Chapter 11: The Griffons
“Behold!” Magic Pants announced majestically as she motioned about with a majestic forehoof just as majestically as she had majestically spoken. “Griffonstone!”
“We can see that,” Twilight uttered in an unamused tone. “On account of all the griffons walking about.”
“Ah don’t care if she dropped us off in a vampire jackalope herd!” Applejack began stuffing her hat with more gems from a pony-high pile that surrounded the trio. “Finally this adventure is paying off.”
“Again, ew!” Twilight said.
“Hey, pony dweebs!” a nasally female's voice called out.
“Ugh… That must be Gilda,” Twilight mused.
“Don’t care,” Applejack mumbled as she filled her hat to capacity. “Ugh… shoulda brought saddle bags… or several back-up hats.”
Majestically, Rainbow Pants’ majestic forehead tightened. “That bully must be severely punished! With death!”
“Huh?!” Twilight blurted.
Gilda gave Magic Pants a scrutinizing look. “What the heck is that—” Gilda’s eyes suddenly lit up as she caught the myriad colors sparkling in the midday sun. “GEMS!”
“WHAT! NO!” Applejack cried as a crowd of griffons took notice of the pile around her. “These are mine!”
Gilda dashed towards the gem pile as did all other griffons in the immediate vicinity.
“Dibs! DIBS!” Gilda called out.
“Ah will END y’all, ye mangy flee-bitten feather-cats!” Applejack hollered, blowing an angry gust of air from her nose as she hooved at the ground.
“PREPARE TO MEET YOUR END, VILE BULLY!” Magic Pants shouted in majestic anger.
“Whoa! WHOA!” Twilight shouted. “Time out!”
There was a pulse of majestic magical energy from Magic Pants’ horn and at once all the Griffons froze in place.
“Oh! Good thinking, Twilight!” Applejack said. “Now help me collect these here gems!”
“I didn’t do that for you, Applejack!” Twilight exclaimed.
Applejack let out a sad sigh. “Yer so selfish, Twi,” Applejack said as she trotted up to an elderly griffon with a molted, feather free face, removed the fez he was wearing, and returned to her gem pile to fill up another hat.
Twilight looked at the majestic Magic Pants in concern. “You really think Gilda deserves to die?!”
“She’s a bully!” Magic Pants majestically answered.
“That doesn’t mean she deserves to be murdered!” Twilight countered.
“It’s not MURDER!” Magic Pants insisted majestically, again. “It’s an execution!”
“You’re still killing someone!” Twilight cried.
In a majestic fashion, Magic Pants nodded. “Yes, but an execution means it’s justified!”
“She has a point, Twi!” Applejack said as she attempted stuffing the fez until it was more a misshapen red bag full of gems.
Twilight tossed an angry glare at Applejack then turned back to Magic Pants. “Okay… but…” Twilight thought for a moment then smiled to herself. “I thought you were all about friendship! Friendship means giving others a chance to fix past mistakes!”
Magic Pants’ majestically thought this over for a moment. “I suppose you have a point…” Magic Pants’ gave Twilight a kind (and majestic) smile. “And I also suppose even beings as powerful as myself can still learn from time to time and that our flaws make us more interesting characters.”
“Uh… Okay…” Twilight replied. “I’m not sure why you phrased it that way, but I’m glad we agree.”
“Ah think friends discuss their different points of view more!” Applejack added as she brought over a scarf to the pair of hats she had filled with gem shards and began wrapping it around a mound of gems.
Twilight let out a heavy sigh. “Applejack, are you stealing from the Griffons?!”
“NO!” Applejack insisted. “Ah’m leavin’ them gems to buy new clothes with! It’s more like ah’m buying from them without them knowing!”
“That’s still morally questionable Applejack!”
“This WHOLE DAY has been morally questionable, Twilight!”
“Much like BULLYING except that it’s NOT morally questionable at all! It’s just BAD and bullies should be PUNISHED SEVERELY!” Magic Pants’ declared in a righteous, majestic tone.
Twilight groaned and raised a forehoof to her forehead. “I thought you agreed that bullies deserve second chances!”
“Well, I still think they deserve some punishment,” Magic Pants’ countered majestically. “I still plan to give Gilda a savage beating!” she majestically majestic majestic majestically.
“Could ya beat up the resta the Griffons?” Applejack asked.
“AJ!” Twilight scolded. “Why?!”
Applejack shrugged as she pulled off an ascot from a griffon and placed small, blue gem atop his head. “Look, by all accounts, griffons are jerks… Ah mean… Rainbow Dash told me one of ‘em left her to die ‘cause she didn’t have bits to negotiate a rescue, Twilight!” Applejack began to wrap the ascot round more gems. “I feel that’s appalling enough that Ah’m willing to let all griffons share in the punishment so long as the rightful party is also punished!”
“You just crave more gems!” Twilight accused.
“Ah crave justice, Twilight!”
“As do I!” Magic Pants’ added m-word.
Twilight grit her teeth in barely restrained horror. “Now, wait just a—”
“Hey! Are you gathering gems?!” An enthusiastic female’s voice called out.
Twilight and Applejack looked up in surprise as a cheery gray-feathered griffon flapped up to them.
“I’m really good at gathering gems!” she added.
“Oh, that is just unfair!” Magic Pants griped majestically.
“Hi! My name is Gabby!” the griffon said as she extended a talon towards the group.
“Keep yer greedy griffon talons offa my gems!” Applejack sneered.
“AJ!” Twilight chastised as she extended a forehoof and let Gabby shake it. “Hi… Gabby, was it? I’m Twilight Sparkle!” She motioned to Applejack. “This is—”
“A pony who wants ya to leave!” Applejack said as she gathered her pilfered clothing items full of gems close to herself.
Twilight sighed. “That’s Applejack and this is—”
“HOW IS IT THAT YOU ARE NOT FROZEN IN TIME?!” Magic Pants bellowed maj… magnificently!
Gabby grinned. “Oh! I’m super good at not being frozen in time!” She chuckled. “I mean, I think I’m just good at most things!” Gabby swung a talon in front of her chest. “If you want to succeed at something, just put your mind to it!”
Magic Pants let out an m snarl. “No! You have to have some flaws, otherwise, you just come off as a Mary Sue and are completely unbelievable!”
Gabby rubbed her beak between two claws as she dwelt on Magic Pants’ words.
At once, Twilight’s expression fell into the heaviest of frowns as if joy was dead and forgotten to the world. “Applejack, I think I understand how you’ve felt pretty much the entire day.”
“Understanding costs nothin’, Twi,” Applejack said, “but helpin’ me take all these gems home wins you… well… gems!”
Twilight just let out an exasperated groan.
“Groaning don’t help us become rich, Twi!”
Twilight attempted to furrow her brow and raise an eyebrow simultaneously to amazing success. “Applejack, I honestly want nothing to do with your gems.”
“Great more for me!” Applejack said. Applejack also furrowed her brow and raised an eyebrow. “But why?”
“Because I’ve had lots of bad experiences with partially digested, spit-up gems!” Twilight countered. “Believe me, you’d leave them alone too if you had to spend a few hours with your eyes running under a faucet to make sure you didn’t go blind!”
Finally, Gabby spoke up. “Hey! I don’t have a cutie mark!” she declared as she pointed to her flank notably devoid of magical butt tattoo. “That’s a flaw!”
“That’s not a character flaw!” Magic Pants spat out just-please-insert-majestic’-or-’majestically’-after-like-everything-she-says-or-does. “Not having a cutie mark doesn’t somehow make you less good at literally everything!”
“Oh wait!” Gabby exclaimed. “I am bad at one thing!”
“Yes?” Magic Pants uttered in anticipation.
“I’m bad at not having something I’m bad at!” Gabby declared with a happy expression.
“THAT’S IT!” Magic Pants cried. With a brilliant neon-rainbow flash of her horn a wooden bat for every man, woman, and child (the children bats being notably smaller) appeared. “It’s savage beating time!”
“Yes!” Applejack declared.
“Oh are we playing baseball?!” Gabby asked. “I’m great at baseball despite no indication Griffons have one clue what that even is!”
With that, Magic Pants let out another pulse of magical energy unfreezing the griffons who each took a moment to pause and take in their surroundings as if they had suddenly been woken up from a deep slumber.
“Where’s my hat?!”
“Where’s my scarf?!”
“Oh, sweet! Free gem!” the male Griffon Applejack had placed a blue gem on said as he noted the gem on his head. He glanced at Applejack and her considerable clothing and gem pile. “HEY! That’s my ascot!”
“Ah dun paid you all fer yer ratty griffon clothes!” Applejack exclaimed. “Y’all can buck off!”
“SHE’S GOT OUR STUFF AND A BUNCH OF GEMS!” Gilda shouted. “GET HER!”
“AH!” Applejack exclaimed. “Magic Pants! Do yer thing!”
Magic Pants nodded. “Deploying operation heavy beating!”
Gabby frowned. “Wouldn’t a better name be assault and battery?!”
“YOUR BEATING WILL BE EXTRA SEVERE!” Magic Pants declared.
“WAAAAAAAAIIIT!” Twilight exclaimed as she let loose a magenta pulse of energy that held every griffon and baseball bat in place. The griffons all murmured in distress, their eyes drifting and focusing on the bats that were inches away from smacking them.
“Oh, that is such a sue move!” Magic Pants gripped.
“Can’t we talk about this?!” Twilight asked.
“Ah think we all know negotiations have failed, Twilight,” Applejack said.
“WHAT NEGOTIATIONS?!” Twilight exclaimed. “There’s been zero negotiations!”
Applejack nodded. “But if there had been, they’d have been a complete waste of time!”
Twilight let out an incomprehensible frustrated rage snarl.
“Hey, ponies and weird thing!” a female griffon called out. “I’ll negotiate with you for some bits or gems!”
Magic Pants scowled out at the griffon who had just spoken. “Oh… That’s that griffon that left Rainbow Dash to die in a chasm. I suppose I can just give her a savage beating… and Gabby and Gilda.”
Most the griffons all let out sighs of relief as most the bats disappeared.
“What the heck!” Gilda cried out. “Do something, friends of Rainbow Dash whose names I can’t remember!”
Gabby grinned. “I’m sooo good at remembering names and also taking a beating!”
“I’ll let you beat me for a few gems!”
“No!” Applejack exclaimed as she continued to guard her new wealth like a dragon wearily guarding its horde.
“Applejack!” Twilight exclaimed. “We can’t just let things continue on like this!”
“She left Rainbow Dash to DIE, Twilight!” Applejack hissed. “My unapologetic greed over today’s events aside, there’s got to be a line somewhere!”
Twilight let out a heavy sigh. “Okay, so one griffin deserves to be beaten, fine!”—
“I also deserve gems!”
—”But not Gabby!”
“What?! Why?!” Magic Pants protested.
“You can’t just beat people for bugging you!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Would be nice, though…” Applejack lamented.
Magic Pants’ lip began to quiver. “But—”
“No! No ‘buts’!” Twilight insisted. “Unless Gabby has actually willfully harmed or abandoned somepony, there’s no point to debating this!”
Magic Pants huffed out a sigh. “Fine, fine! I guess this highlights my super-awesome mercy and insight or whatever…” she griped as her horn flashed again as the bat next to Gabby vanished.
“Hey!” Gilda called out. “You forgot to get rid of mine!”
“I’m still beating you!” Magic Pants exclaimed. “Because you were still a bully that one time!”
“WHAT?! Nerd horse! Do something!”
Twilight sighed. “Really? You can’t even ask for my help without insulting me!”
“See!” Magic Pants said as she motioned towards Gilda. “She deserves a beating!”
“And WE deserve gems!” the elderly griffon called out.
“No, wait!” Applejack cried. She turned to Twilight. “Twi, I’m beggin’ you, hat in hooves!”
“That’s not even your hat, Applejack!” Twilight snapped.
“I’d spill all the gem shards if I picked up my hat!” Applejack counted. “Anyhow, Ah’m beggin’ ya… Some filthy feather-cat’s hat in hooves”—
“Also, why are you speciesist against griffons all of a sudden?!” Twilight asked.
—“Ah’ve had a no-good, rotten, terrible day! Just lemme keep all these clothes I filled with riches!”
Twilight frowned deeply. “I can’t let you just take other creature’s clothes, AJ. It doesn’t matter if you ‘paid’ for them or not! You didn’t even ask!”
Applejack sighed. “Fine. Well Ah can ask something now!”
Twilight scrunched her lips up to one side of her face. “Well… I suppose you can.”
Applejack turned and nodded towards all the Griffons. “Alright, y’all… Ah just gotta ask one thing!” She motioned towards Magic Pants. “How come y’all can look at Magic Pants without losing yer lunches?”
“WHAT?!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Why would we do that?!” Gilda called out. “She’s just some… really weird lookin’ pony!”
Applejack looked up at Magic Pants. “Yer not like… Part griffon or anything? Like… You jus’ happen to have the gullet of a griffon or something?!”
“What! No!” Magic Pants cried. “Griffons are lame! Why would I have any part of them?!”
“Hey! Griffons are cool now!” Gabby insisted.
“Ugh, they so aren’t!” Magic Pants countered.
“Well, everyone thinks they’re a lot cooler now that I had an episode!” Gabby counter-countered.
Twilight leaned over towards Applejack. “Are you following any of this?”
“Ah stopped caring back with the dragons, Twi.”
“Wait… Really?!” Magic Pants replied. With another neon-rainbow glow of her horn, a rectangular item appeared in front of Magic Pants. She took it in her gossamer wings and began swiping at it a few times.
“Uh…” Twilight said. “What are you—?”
“Shhhh!” Magic Pants shushed. “I’m checking my forum!”
“You have a forum?”
Magic Pants nodded. “Yes. I have a forum full of people who love me… mostly because I ban those that don’t…”
Twilight frowned heavily. “That sounds oddly controlling and borderline megaloma—”
“Jus’ let the mare work, Twi!” Applejack snapped.
Twilight sighed. “Fine, fine…”
After a few more moments of Magic Pants swiping and tapping at the with her wings, she looked up. “Okay! Fantastical news, griffons! It turns out I’m also a long-lost child of King Grover!”
Immediately, the griffons began to hurk up mounds of fur and bone.
Gabby smiled enthusiastically. “I’m really good a barfing up griffon pellets! Watch!” she declared as she brought up a griffin pellet easily twice the size of those around her and expelled it from her beak with enough force it sailed up and over the stone buildings.
Twilight’s eyes went wide and glassy as she released her magic and the griffons fell to the ground and continued to cough up all manner of indigestible animal bits. “Is this what going mad feels like?”
“The important thing is, Ah still have my earnings!” Applejack said as she clutched her gem and clothing pile protectively.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “I’d say the important thing is the griffons are okay…” She looked about. “Mostly…”
“Oh, right!” Magic Pants said as recognition hit and she began to savagely smash her floating bats against Gilda and the seemingly-extra greedy female griffon.
“WHY?!” Twilight cried.
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I'm with Twilight.
Why?
There are no words... XD
8541068
I'm laughing my ass off and I'm still going 'why'
Put me in a good mood before I start my shift which will suck.
Thanks.
I will take the opposing stance, Why Not?
That got violent in a hurry. Man, Magic Pants is so edgy, there must be so much more to her character buried under layers of what I hope is complexity.
Those poor catbirds
8541142
Oddly compelling argument. I must agree.
Magic Pants has a forum?! WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME tTHIS?! I cou;d have been talking to Magic Pants already!! @.@
The only one that was hurt today that I don't care about was the bitch who left Rainbow. Gilda didn't deserve such a horrible beating.
8542233
I'd say a combination. It's her look plus the revelation that "Oh, sweet Celestia! That thing is related to me on some sort of genetic species level!"
8542279
It is, in fact, ALREADY done. I'm just spreading out the remaining chapters a bit.
And then Magic Pants will be gone forever!
Or at least until she haunts me with a good start to a (likely Equestria Girls) sequel.
Well, I was entertained until you went with the whole 'everyone hates griffons' route. Sorry.