A Little Holiday Chaos

by Captain Hurricane

....I Didn't Know Your Middle Name Was Barbie

Crashing waves of time and space folded into exploding novas and glowing nebulae. Bolts of lightning as wide as rivers struck innumerable times in the ethereal beyond, and a gentle aurora, not unlike Princess Celestia’s mane, stretched into the infinite horizon. With curious eyes, the master of chaos incarnate surveyed the In Between—his term for this roiling realm of astral anomaly—and started his slow, methodical process of finding the dimension he was looking for.

No two dimensions were always the same, but all shared the same tenuous connection to the In Between. Some dimensions could be dangerous, with creatures that Discord himself feared to cross; places where the demons of Tartarus delivered cruel atrocities on subjugated ponyfolk. He had no desire to meddle in the affairs of entities that made Lord Tirek seem like a mewling kitten.

Tonight was supposed to be a happy occasion, yet Discord still found himself missing Fluttershy as he half flew, half walked through the vast plane. Reaching out into emptiness, his claw wrapped around a knob slowly given form from the starstuff occupying the vast plane. Discord twisted gently, and the door to a connected dimension appeared and opened outward.

The door opened onto a small, midnight black filly sporting a horn, wings, and cat-like pupils in the process of cleaning the Golden Oak Library. She hummed a familiar tune as she moved books around the library; he recognized the melody as a slightly off-key version of the Cutie Mark Crusaders theme song, a classic little ditty if he ever heard one. Nowhere near as enchanting as Winter Wrap Up, but memorable nevertheless. Discord briefly stepped through his portal, greeting the surprised filly.

“Nyx! Good to see you again! Loving the new haircut! And that scarf...looks like a Rarity original. A Hearth's Warming gift, I presume?”

She sputtered and coughed before her thoughts formed into tangible and coherent words. “Huh? Who are you? Are you real? And how do you…know me?” Nyx squeaked, her voice wavering slightly. She blinked, then blinked again, but the chimeric chaos spirit remained.

“Only by reputation,” Discord gave a little bow, half in and half out of the door to the In Between. “Long time listener, first time caller. Wish I could stay, but I have little time to play. Give your mother a big hug and kiss from Uncle Discord. Ta ta!”

As the portal vanished behind him, Nyx could only stare in bafflement, almost certain that the astronomical number of chestnuts she had eaten that night had hallucinogenic side effects. She made a mental note to both research anything about Discord, as well as the threshold for chestnut overdosage.

*****

Being male, it was anathema to Discord's entire being to ask for directions (even more so than single file lines and alphabetical order), yet he hesitantly surmised it would make finding Eris’ dimension easier and quicker. Although Discord felt right at home in the bubbling chaotic cauldron of the In Between, it was best to suffer its magic in small doses.

Very. Small. Doses.

Discord snapped his claw and melted into a generic stallion’s body and face, leaving his signature tornado cutie mark as the only distinguishing feature. Poking his now bland (and boring) head through a new interdimensional door, he found himself staring at the books inside of the Ponyville Library once again--the same library that Tirek blasted to smithereens months ago. The library’s sole current occupant and librarian, a wingless version of Twilight Sparkle, tilted her head in confusion at the newcomer.

“Uh…can I…h...help you?” she stammered. Discord evaluated his options; time was of the essence, but she might be able to help him get to his destination quicker. She might not have been “his” Twilight Sparkle, but she would do in a pinch.

“Hypothetically speaking, if you were to meet a being with access to infinite energy, what would be the best way to find a plane with a dimensional rotation of 1.21 starswirls to the sixty-third power? Hypothetically.” His head still poked out of the rip in the space-time continuum; Twilight, amazingly, stood unfazed.

"If such a being actually existed, and a plane with a dimensional rotation of that magnitude existed, you should be able to apply Starswirl's 27th Law."

Discord cocked his head quizzically. "I'm a...simpleton. Please elaborate."

The mare laughed. “Oh, please. Even a magic kindergarten class would know that matching subspace dimensional rotations is achieved by creating an opposite dimensional rotation of equivalent thaumic potential. Starswirl’s Twenty-seventh Law of Quantum Physics.”

“So...you're saying I could find it if I spun around really really fast? Would that do the trick?” Discord posited.

“That’s….an…. oversimplification. Let me explain.” The studious unicorn levitated a nearby blackboard to her side, drawing all manner of complicated logarithms and equations, rewriting and erasing even as Discord made his stealthy exit back to the In Between.

“….So the square of two inverted spacetime anomalies is inversely proportional to the inverse of the sum of the area cubed!” Twilight panted, sparks coalescing from her horn as her brain kicked into high gear. By the time she turned around, muzzle twisted in the epitome of smugness and satisfaction, Discord had already high tailed it out of there. One curious glance at her grandfather clock later, she had forgotten all about Discord as panic began to set Twilight's mind ablaze.

"Horseapples...It's two o'clock already?! I missed out on lunch with my coltfriend for this? Blueblood is gonna kill me!"

*****

“Come back here you bastard!” A middle-aged man in pajamas with fuzzy bunny slippers on his feet gave chase to a humanized two-legged Discord, who was currently dressed as Santa Claus carrying a bag of gifts. Bells jangled on Discord’s red velvet coat, and the fuzzy pom-pom of his hat bounced merrily to and fro as he clumsily ran in terror down the narrow hallway from the angry gentleman behind him. In a last ditch effort, Discord removed parcels from the bag, and hurled them towards his pursuer. The first, a hefty hunk of fruitcake, flew wide and to the right. The second item he pulled out and pitched behind him was right on the mark. Struck by the weighty missile in the shoulder, the pursuer stopped to examine the object—a dictionary-sized book—for the briefest of moments.

It was all the distraction Discord needed to make his exit. Stage left. Post haste.

“What is the meaning of this, Q? Fifty Shades of Picard?!”

“Merry Christmas to you too, Jean-Luc!” Discord slammed shut the door to the In Between behind him; that would most certainly be the last time he tried to celebrate Christmas with the Enterprise.

“….And a happy New Year.”

Summoning a can of spray paint in a still human hand, he painted a red X onto the metallic doorway before spraying his mouth with two quick spritzes.

“Hmm, minty fresh.”

Shifting back to his preferred, equestrian form, his ears perked up at the sound of something. And that was the problem. There shouldn’t be a something. There should be a whole lot of nothing here in the In Between; whatever the something was, it was getting closer, and louder. And then Discord remembered where he heard that sound before, and when he had heard that sound before.

“Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!” His eyes bulged as he turned tail, running on an invisible and shapeless road while a floating blue police box materialized into the nothingness, whizzing and whirring behind him. Hot on his trail, the ominous wheezing noise grew steadily closer as it buzzed with otherworldly fervor. Discord didn’t have time to turn behind him, but he knew exactly what he would find.

“Oy! Hello, then!” A male voice yelled from behind him with a distinctly Trottingham-ish accent.

“Aaaah! Not you! Not again! I haven’t recovered from the last checkup!” Discord screamed as his head swiveled 180 degrees behind him. “You can’t touch me this year. I have the one thing all doctors fear more than anything….

…Obamacare.”

“I’m not here on business, old chap. Purely pleasure. Joyriding.”

Discord scoffed. “One doesn’t ‘joyride’ the In Between, Doctor.”

The light brown stallion in the blue box laughed. “My guess is, you aren’t out here on a sightseeing vacation either. You might as well ride in style wherever you’re headed this fine Christmas Eve. Just got her tuned up on Raxicorifloponitorius,” the Doctor added, patting the side of the booth affectionately.

“I don’t know about this, Doctor. Bad things happen around you. Especially on Christmas.”

“I could say the same about you, Discord Barbie Q Draconequus.” The Doctor lifted his eyebrow with only the slightest hint of menace.

“Oh pishposh, don’t make me use your full name, Doctor-“

“Don’t you dare. There may be children listening….” The Doctor swept his head around, looking up, down, and sideways, “…in one dimension, or another, at least,” he added. “For today, let’s just disagree to agree, and put aside all childish squabbles and wibbly wobbles. Disagreed?” He offered up his right forehoof; Discord thoughtfully stroked his goatee before returning the gesture with his lion paw.

“Disagreed, Doctor. I couldn’t disagree more.”

“Well then; that’s absolutely fantastic. Welcome aboard, Discord.”

Author's Note:

Thanks everyone for all the likes!

I hope you all continue to follow this story...there's a lot less heartfelt drama ahead and much more crunchy Discord zaniness to go around. Eris will pop up soon, though.

And don't forget to eat your Cha-Os! Stays crunchy in milk .7% longer and is part of a balanced breakfast!

Comments

[zabchan]

discord barbie q draconequus...what is the jok-oh. OH. oh goddamit

[gamexpert1990]

If you don't mind, I have a question or two:
In the dimension where Discord tried to stop for directions, is it closer to a canon jerk Blueblood, or a fanon reedemed Blueblood? Either way, is that a reference to another fic or your own idea?

Also, I am lamenting the fact that I can only give one thumbs-up to a story...

[MustacheMerlin]

Obamacare! lol! oh, fancy seeing you here nyx, how's it going? And a merry Christmas to you too doctor! I remember why I faved this again!

[Captain Hurricane]

5222918

Canon jerk. In the Twilight cameo, Twilight was miffed and jaded about being second banana to Sunset Shimmer; SS is actually nice and friendly in that universe. To get ahead, Twilight started dating Blueblood. I didn't add that part as I couldn't make it flow. Might need to make a fic off that though, but I've got other stories featuring Discord on the back burner for the moment.

[The Warmaster]

Is this ever going to continue? Just asking

[Wavy Waters]

Its been like 4 years...Ill put this in my tracking folder!

[Late_Night]

5223775
bro pls continue this