The Lay of Thrum

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Thunderlane awoke to greet a perfectly normal morning that quickly spiraled out of control when he found that his lucky horseshoe has been stolen. Follow our hero as he follows the trail and enlists the help of his friends in order to get it back

Based on the Lay of Thrym, of Norse origin.
Written as my application for the position of a writer on Legends of Equestria, and as my submission in Equestria Daily's Friend Off.

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Orchid Black

Orchid Black #1 · Oct 25th, 2014 · · ·

Ok, I had a bunch of problems with this story. Thunderlane was humorous to a degree, particularly the comment of being called a mare. It just felt like you jumped around too much. Pinky was interesting in her concept, but using coffee to speed her up was a bit lame. Especially since it's been shown in the show that she does not need an external boost to achieve her speed. (I believe her diet of sweets explains her natural abundance of energy, again as previously established.) And then having her emulate Surprise was... odd? And then shipping Thunderlane with Fluttershy seemed to come out of left field. No real reason for it, other than Fluttershy being cute. It just seemed like you assumed everypony had that ship in their heads before they read the story. I would think Cloud Chaser or her sister would be the most obvious ships with Thunderlane, but that's just my opinion.

The worst part (in my opinion) was the introduction of the villains as Changelings. Why the obvious flaws in physical appearance? Why would Changelings set themselves up to fail like that? Did they really replace a family of ugly ponies? And if so what happened to the real Hums?
And why would a Changeling want to marry Fluttershy?! And how in Equestria did the Authorities know they were Changelings to begin with. Twilight did'nt know beforehoof!, I mean I get it was Twilight that summoned the Authorities in the first place, but she only knew about the original theft.

The charge of trespassing was to liberally used as an excuse to arrest all ponies involved, even when it was not trespassing.
I could keep going on but, really in the end, I got a few chuckles. It wasn't horrible, just not better than mediocre. So I won't give it a thumbs up, but nor will I give it a thumbs down.

JackobolTrades

JackobolTrades #2 · Oct 25th, 2014 · · ·

5184750 Thanks for the feedback! I figured it might turn out something like this. My excuses to most of the criticisms are that I was trying to emulate the original poem to some degree and that I wrote this all in one sitting in the middle of the night, though I'm not sure why I did ship ThunderShy at the last moment. I'll probably go back to edit that part out later.

For the bits that don't make sense:
Pinkie and the coffee is supposed to reflect when Freya gives Loki a feathered cloak that lets him fly. I'm open to suggestions on different ways to cover that aspect. In the same line of thought, Loki disguises himself as Freya's handmaiden when Thor is dressed like Freya. I figured that since Pinkie and Surprise are colour swaps, that it would make the most sense.
The Changelings, I'll admit, were not my best idea, but Jotnar (which Thrym and his family are) are all shapeshifters. I'll probably go back in and try to make it not as much of a surprise, and to try to make it make more sense. I'll also go add some exposition that since Fluttershy has an almost endless love for animals that she's the perfect font for love energy. The reason they were ugly is that the Jotnar are often described as hideous, though it's debated whether that's just the Aesir smacktalking.
The trespassing charge was simply Thrum not knowing who Thunderlane and Pinkie were. We know that they were invited, but the guards don't, and they heard the call for arrest for trespassing. I'll go back and try to make that a bit clearer.

~Edit: Alrighty, I've gone back through and made it exceedingly clear that the Hums are new Changelings, made a few points clearer, and I've nixed the shipping. Thanks again for your feedback, I really appreciate it!

Orchid Black