• Published 1st Nov 2014
  • 1,465 Views, 21 Comments

Twilife: Princess of Undeath - TheGreatEater



You like Alichorns? Undead Princesses of Adorableness? Well then is this the fic for you. Warning: Contains 95% Satire/Parody and 5% Twilight Juice [now with extra Vitamin D]

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Undeath Cures All Ills

Twilight Sparkle looked at the spell that had caused so many problems, and looked at her friends standing around her and tossed the book away, “You know what girls, I have a better idea than doing this spell.”

“Seriously Twi? You’re going to not do a spell for the Princess?” Rainbow Dash asked hovering in the sky.

“You saw what it did. No I think I’m just going to follow through on my last bit of research. Heck with Starswirl and his destiny rape spell. I’m going to make us Lifks, or Lifches.”

“What a what now?” Applejack asked. All of her friends looking at her with various states of confusion.

“Oh well Lich, is from old Elkian from Lik, meaning corpse. Old Elkian for Life is Lif. So a Living Lich is a Lifch. Although basically we won’t be becoming undead, as much as living magic. But close enough,” Twilight replied, “Spi~ike! I need you to get me the ‘Do not read! Top Secret Diary’s books three to five.”

“But didn’t Celestia say that Necromancy is banned from Equestria, and that it’s the evilest of black magics?” Spike asked.

“Didn’t you hear me Spike. We won’t be doing necromancy since we won’t be undead. I think there’s a spell here for kicking time-space in the rectum. I’ll reverse cannibalize it for the catalyst.

“And girls, I need you to give me a week before you come back, also Rarity. I need to borrow you and your sewing skills for what I have planned.” Twilight said, with a cheerful grin. Celestia knew that spell was all rapey and screwy. I’ll show her new magic, then I’ll be a pretty, pretty, Alichorn Princess.

"Before I agree, and it's tempting. I think we'd all be appreciative for a short explanation of what's going to happen?" Rarity asked with some trepidation.

"Alright, basically one spell is going to transmute us into a magical stone that has power to make whatever you want reality with no consequences for the user. Which will activate an Elkish necromancy -"

"Ha! I knew it Twilight!" Spike interrupted.

"As I was said earlier it's not. But what it will do is hold our souls into the stone, and try "calling our bodies", in the transition between life and death. Which in turn powers the Edo Tensei, which is a forbidden bit of necromancy. That uses a living sacrifice to resurrect a dead entity into an unkillable, almost infinitely powered, ninja-zombie. But since it's our own bodies, and technically we won't be dead. It will cause a cyclic reaction that will kick us off to a place between life and death where we can magically re-shape our bodies into a Princess like vessel for infinite power.

Of course while there our souls will be sent into the Elements of Harmony, so that we will have even more power through them, our souls becoming saturated in the Elements, and nothing can possibly ever go wrong." Twilight said with a grin.

Then Spike snarked, "You still said zombie. Oh, well if you think this is a good idea I'll help and I'll bring out the popcorn for when the Princesses arrive."

It was a week later, and Rarity was sleeping heavily having worn herself out from the frantic pace Twilight had worked her. But they had 6 cloaks made of interlocking spells circles of many layers meeting in the center forming one giant spell. Attached to the cloaks were clasps with an empty socket. Within it Twilight had inscribed three cannibalized spells of Starswirl the Bearded, Twilight didn’t say what it would do, only that Twilight was going to become Twilife. The Goddess of Undeath and Caffeine.

The last part Rarity thought was Twilight hallucinating from being up for five of the last five of these last seven days up to work on her whole new brand of crazy. But it was one of those things that Rarity and her girls loved about her. Even when it did end up almost destroying Ponyville when she went overboard. At least with Rarity and Spike around, they were able to keep her from going on a tangent where she wanted to see if ripping holes in space-time could save her a few hours work via ontological paradox merged with a Stone Enclosure - Rose Bridge (1).

Thankfully Rarity’s distraction of more coffee and Spike telling her about the last time she played with wormholes, kept her from trying to re-write time and space to save on time. Thus averting the collapse of reality as they knew it. Unfortunately the half musings of sleep deprived mare was ruined when a prismatic mare came crashing through the window.

“Heya Rares! Where’s Twilight?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Oh, she’s been sleeping since yesterday morning. But with that entrance I’m sure-”

“I swear by Discord’s sweaty left testicle, whoever woke me up better have coffee ready! That and waffles! Momma needs her waffles!” Twilight groused.

Spike stumbled after her, “Everypony back up, this requires a delicate touch.”

Spike almost fell down the stairs if it wasn’t for Rarity catching him with her magic, “What would we need to do?”

“Get coffee ready, and waffles. I’ll get her book on ‘Ancient Science Theories Vol. 1 by, Crack Pot’ for a quick laugh, “ Spike mumbled, “Oh high Rarity, hi Rainbow Dash, are the rest of the girls coming over soon?”

Rainbow Dash was already in the kitchen, “Don’t know, I wanted immortality. So I came here early. I’ll be damned to Tartarus if Pinkie beats me in getting immortality like she does cider.”

Twilight sat down with her book while waiting for everypony to arrive, “Oh Paracelsus! You silly stallion you can’t grow ponies out of feces and sperm!” Twilight laughed at the book before her. “*chuckle* Poo Splooge!*chuckle* (2)”

“Um Spike … is Twilight alright?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Yep! She just needs a laugh and caffeine. Oh when making waffles use the blueberries and chocolate chips. She likes those after a bender.”

"Alright, just so long as I get to keep this," Rainbow Dash said whipping out a camera from her saddle bags and snapping a picture, "Oh! This is going to be priceless."

And so after an epic cooking montage, sponsored by Filthy Rich's Bargain Bins, 'where there's a bargain on every isle, but the clogged arteries are free.' Rainbow Dash and the rest of the girls Pinkie Pie had wrangled for the montage. They ate, other than Twilight who was in between her bibliophilia and her waffle based sitophilia.

After much laughs at how wrong early Equestrian ponies were on their science, and a stack of Celestia blessed waffles of infinite goodness. Twilight and the rest of the girls who were just finishing up their meals. Twilight decided to start explaining what she had been working on, “So girls, I think you all deserve a bit of an explanation of what’s going to happen.”

Rainbow Dash groaned, “Twilight for the love of baby cupcakes, can we skip the hours long explanation, where we look at you confused, then ask you to dumb it down for us?”

Twilight groaned, “But I wanted to share all the awesome stuff that I did to get this ready. I mean I invented new magic.”

“I know Twi, but ya have to admit that ya tend to confuse us ponies who aren’t all magicy,” Applejack stated.

“Magicky?” Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well you know all those special classes you must’ve done with the Princess.”

“Oh, well alright then. If you all want to hear the simple version?” Twilight asked looking around. Seeing their nods she pouted.

Rarity who was sitting off to her left, patted her shoulder, “There, there Twilight. I’m sure after you get this completed you’ll be able to talk to all of the smartest ponies in Equestria that would truly appreciate the technicalities.”

Twilight sniffled, before asking, “are you sure?”

“Pinkie Promise darling.”

“Okay, but you girls are missing out on some awesome stuff. So anyways, I’m doing energy conversion, remaking our bodies into bodies of pure magic with our souls anchored to an object. For us the Elements of Harmony. Then when our bodies get remade, we’ll be immortal, physical avatars of magical energy.” Twilight said with a grin, albeit one that was tinted with a bit of sadness that she couldn’t give the three hour long lecture on what was happening. With the pie charts, and graphs, Spike even got her to patch up … well Rarity to patch up, Twilight’s old hoof puppets.

“So what I need you girls to do is simply put your Elements gems into the clasps, then put on the cloak. The spell will do the rest. It’s as easy as 6th dimensional quantum physics.” Twilight said as she she summoned the Regalia that stored the Elements and Cloaks. In clasps were inscribed with eldritch runes, and the cloak itself was a brilliant dark blue. With a strange collection of symbols, runes, and designs. Comprised of a blood red circle, with blue and purple circles within it on a white patch that took up a large portion of the back.

The Element Bearers, trusting in Twilight placed their stones in the clasps, and once the cloaks were donned the library erupted with a blast of magical light.

“Hello Twi … Mother of me! What are all of you doing here?” Celestia asked. She had a large montage, and song ready for Twilight. Ever since she had the prophetic dream that Starswirl’s “Screw Destiny” spell would be fixed making Twilight an Alicorn, where she’d be able to have happy, non-incestual Princest times with. But no! Twilight had to bring everypony.

“Well Celestia that spell was a mess so I said buck it. And invented my own spell for shits and giggles,” Twilight replied. Her body sucking in the ambient energy of the plane and her body as well as her friends reconstituting themselves.

“So what exactly did you do?” Celestia asked.

“Well you know how Necromancy is illegal?” Twilight said sheepishly. Like a filly caught with her hoof in a cookie drawer.

“Yeeessss?” Celestia replied wondering just how bad this was going to be.

“Well I cannibalized physics, a few Starswirl spells from that one book, and reverse engineered necromancy to biomancy. Then I kicked conventional magic in the cojones till it wept and called me mommy,” Twilight explained with a cheerful grin, “So you see, you don’t have to turn me to stone for necromancy. Perfectly legal.”

“True, well girls, Congrats! I didn’t even think of making a spiffy song and dance so let’s just get wasted on Godcrafted Spirits till we can’t think straight then return to Equestria,” Celestia sighed, drawing a hidden cask of 1,000 proof magically created deity booze. Guaranteed to blast the liver of gods to oblivion, and if not outright kill then place mortals in a state of inebriation for all of their mortal lives.

Unsurprisingly, beings of raw magic, drank Celestia under the table, surprisingly when Luna arrived from the smell of the spirits, outdrank everypony else. When they arrived, Celestia hung off of Luna’s back singing ‘Louie Louie’. So it was up to Luna to step up to the plate.

”Citizens of Equestria! We, your sexiest, and most best Princess Luna. Would love to announce that we now have six new princesses. Who definitely did not use Grey Magic to sacrifice themselves into godhood at the cost of their immortal souls! Or use magic that could have possibly blown up reality. Definitely not! For they are almost as sexy as these sweet flanks! Now BRING MORE BOOZE FOR I HATH SPOKEN!” Luna yelled in the Canterlot Voice, amplified by her drunken state. It was so loud that even the moon shook from it’s force.

Looking at Twilight she said, “See I’m so good at this!” Before farting neon rainbows. Which is where day-glow rainbows and the royal glow sticks, for royal raves, are made from.

So it was with that, that Twilight Sparkle created the six Alifchorn Princesses, and made Starswirl explode twice in his grave. But that’s a story for a different time.

~Fin~

Author's Note:

1) Stone Enclosure = Einstein [which translates into 'to surround or enclose in stone.], and Rose = Rosen. Thus a Stone Enclosure - Rose Bridge is an Eisenstein-Rosen Bridge [like in Sliders]

2)Paracelsus believed that a tiny person could be grown via cooked sperm buried in horse dung. [first entry on the links list].

_______________

This fic was inspired by a few fics. Most noticeably all the fics where all the Princesses are Liches. As well as chapter 5 of http://www.fimfiction.net/story/183970/twilight-sparkle-and-the-very-confusing-apocalypse. Originally this fic was going to be built up all for me to make the play of words Alichorn.

Then inspiration struck. I'll let you readers try guessing the joke of the word Lifch, and the traditional necromancer called a Lich. But when it hit. I knew what I wanted to do. Especially since a lot of fics make a show of Necromancy being illegal / evil. So I thought of the symbol shown as the cover fic. Edo Tensei Needs a living being to sacrifice to resurrect the dead into an infinite powered, unkillable, zombie-ninja of magic; The Philosopher's Stone Transmutation Symbol transmutes a living being into a Philosopher's Stone, and inbetween life and stone, hits the border of life and death.; Finally Nordic [Elkish] Necromancy [hellrunia], to bind the soul to the stone / rise a body.

It kick starts itself into a loop of death, life, magic. That ends up both making a pony a magical stone of infinite possibilities, an unkillable being of living magic, and ties the soul to the whole thing. Honestly Twilight choosing to funnel the soul to a different stone after the process is just overkill.

But yeah, I hope y'all enjoyed the fic, and any comments, critiques, or what have you's are appreciated.

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Comments ( 21 )

.... Seems legit. I'll give it a shot.

........ Totally worth it.

10/10, would read again.

THIS IS AMAZING!

:rainbowhuh:So what did they turn into?

5213574

A fusion of philopher's stone, Edo Tensei. So they literally are one of the undead/ living dead.

Is it wrong to listen to this while reading this?

okay so what happen now?

5213710

My baby brother was rocking out too that song, but yeah that sounds like good background music.


5213797

Haven'the really thought of an after yet. Mostly since the first this was parodying never really had an ending past Twi becomes undead Alcorn princess with a light shout out to the Rainbownomicon's Mane6 are undead.

Although I guess if enough peeps want a follow up I could do a little fun something or other.

They made the Elements into Horcruxes...
Though the Mane 6 did their entire souls into the Elements instead of just half...
Hm, funny as hell either way.

5289471

Can't believe I'm just seeing this comment now T_T. But yep, just like a proper Phylactery. Just goes to show that Voldemort really was an utter wimp.

5990685

Then may I recommend for your reading pleasure Even Alicorns Roll Ones. Also Twilight has the cutest hoof beard.

Sadly, still a better result than the first spell.

This is too stupid to understand sober and I'm a zealous teetotaler so I don't get it at all. Sorry bro.
And don't let me get started on how wrong Twilight's definition of Necromancy was. For sake of whole ponykind just don't.

8075966

She never gave a definition for 'Necromancy'. And technically in works of fiction, all forms of death magics fall under necromancy. Rather than the literal definition of divination via the dead.

And what she did mention about Necromancy. Was a word for word definition of what this Naruto tech is.

8076584 Still don't get it. Its not about me don't liking the story, I actually enjoyed it, it's more about how silly the whole idea was, and mane 6 simply went with it anyway.....
It sounds like something from "Mentally Advanced Series".

8077314

Yep. The idea was mostly with me playing with / making a joke fic of the Twilight Lich fics around that time. Where Twilight deals with her friends mortality via phylactery / Lichdome (or the Princesses themselves were Liches). I thought it was a funny story trope and decided to do my own take on it ^_^.

you make my brain hurt....in a good way

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