• Member Since 22nd Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

The Abyss


T
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When Cadence told Celestia she was having twins, the princess of the sun wanted to be happy for her. She tried very hard to be happy for her, but she couldn’t. Celestia knew that it was inevitable, but hearing that Cadence was having foals drove a dagger of jealousy through her heart, for she is able to have something that Celestia can never have: foals.


Edited by Rated Ponystar
Proofread by Neko Majin C
Pre-read by RainbowBob

YouTube reading!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 108 )

The feels! :raritydespair:
What an excellent story! I wish I had your talent when it comes to sad stories. Definitely worthy of an upvote and a favorite, so keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

YAY it's up!
:pinkiehappy:

Dem Feels Doe...

100% Feels! :raritydespair:

Ouch. Abyss, why do you do this to me? :raritydespair:

That was really beautiful. Sad, yes, but all the more beautiful for it.

I was so right, so painfully right.

Absolutely beautiful...:heart:

*ponders*

Perhaps it's because I'm sort of person to fiddle with things, but I wonder if she's considered Dr. Discord or tasking Twilight with figuring out how recombine DNA and create fetuses with it?

5189218

Shhh, stop guessing exactly what the sequel is going to be! :heart:

...now want sequel where someone finds solution for both of them...only for them both to find out that they are completely helpless when it comes to modern romance and are back to square one because they can't find a good stallion to have foals with...resulting with a further sequel where Cadence tries valiantly to find matches for them, only for it to backfire hilariously over the course of several chapters, ending with finding the perfect stallions for both of them in the last place they expected...only for a further sequel because the perfect stallion each discovered separately turns out to be the same stallion.

Good job. Added to Sad Luna, even though it's centered on Celestia.

I realized two very shocking things.
One: This story is awesome! Written very awesomely (I think that's a word) yes, it's sad, but it's good.

Two: You're writing one of my favorite stories that I'm reading. GASP!

Out of everything in Equestria that Celestia couldn't have, pregnancy just had to be the one thing that was beyond her.

Good story indeed and every emotional as well
:raritystarry:

The title chapter clicked into place around the end.

The first part of this story's NEEDS re-editing. Actually, the WHOLE story needs it. The pacing is just so... off. Other than that, it was a nice read. Pacing issues aside. Liked, not favourited.

I don't really buy this characterization of Celestia at all, honestly; it doesn't feel much like Celestia in the show. While I can definitely buy the idea that she might be infertile, and regret not being able to have foals, I don't really feel like this is really how she would act about it/react to it.

5189337 Never before have I approved so much of a run-on sentence.

One thousand years and Celestia STILL hasn't gotten over it.

Sheesh, this is why ya can't have women leading things! They NEVER get over all the emotional baggage and end up destroying the world!

(What Alondro has learned from Sadlestia fanfics.... ) :trollestia:

5190069 Yep, I can't see her being a good leader for a thousand years if she's obsessing over this all the time.

There are quite a few women who never have children these days and aren't emotionally distraught over it.

Emotionally stable and mature people tend to adapt and move on in spite of adversity. Emotionally unstable people... tend to end up heavily medicated. :pinkiecrazy:

Luna's speech seemed a little off to me, but other than that it was very well written. Convincing dialogue is the only thing that really needs improvement. I'd give it a 7/10 and a favorite. :twistnerd:

Beatiful story man its great!:fluttercry: s-so damn beatiful!

5189223
Is this where I note that Twi ought to easily be able to extract meiotic cells from both of them and embed them in a denucleated egg, resulting in a purebred alicorn princess? :scootangel:

5190309

tend to end up heavily medicated

you got a problem with folks who need meds:trixieshiftright:

Yeah, the dialogue got shaky at the end but this was the best Sad Fic i've read in long time. :raritycry:

Damn... so very sad :pinkiesad2:

how do you publish :facehoof: sorry

5190069

Yeah, that did nag me while I was reading it but I wasn't too sure.

So, in a way, Celestia made Luna infertile as well for banishing her for so long. :twilightoops:
Bring on the guilt.

Honestly, this story didn't do it for me in the sad department. Maybe it's because when I do read feely stories I tend to prefer ones that are far more hard hitting, ranging in the feels from simply profound, to utterly devastating. This felt, I'm sorry to say this, rather superficial in evoking sadness from me.

5190069
Celestia's character felt off, and that's the first thing that threw me off. She shows a great sense maturity in the show, so it seems out of character for her to teleport off within such a short time of Cadance telling her the news. Rather, I would see her doing it after Cadance and Shining left at earliest. Running off right then and there throws a lot of attention and urgency into her issue, something I doubt Celestia would show off so willingly. Plus, it isn't a very courteous thing for Celestia to do, and she is courteous in the show.

I can see her putting up a figurative mask and holding the anxiety in so it wouldn't affect those around her, at least until she couldn't take it. And being a leader for such a long time, I wouldn't doubt she has a high enough tolerance; she wouldn't let something like that come to the forefront like that, especially with her little ponies wanting her attention.

Shining felt rather off, too. He seemed kinda stiff for an expecting father. But then again, he was prolly trying to be stoic for Celestia

5190031
The pacing is quick in the beginning, especially right after Cadance reveals the news. It doesn't seem realistic how she reveals it, either. Maybe starting off with, "Take a guess, Auntie Celestia!" and having Cadance pat at her belly or something. I dunno. It seems like people aren't direct with this kind of news.

Going a bit off topic here, my best friend posted a pic on Facebook of a small, handheld device showing a "+" sign on its display and no commentary to go with it. And I was like all, "Golly gee, why the hell is he posting pics of his kitchen thermometer?"

Much later, I realized kitchen thermometers also had numbers on them XD

This could've been a good opportunity to let the reader marinate in those feelings a bit, a precursor to hint at before she teleports off.

The exposition parts... another big thing. It didn't work for me. Too much telling me that I should feel sad for Celestia. It doesn't help me relate to her since the pace isn't slow enough to allow it, which is an integral part of me feeling sad for her. Perhaps showing how Celestia feels through flashbacks may have been a better idea rather than telling of her past quickly. Like of when the doctor tells her she's infertile, when she's dating her captain and a revealing of his ambitions, etc. Those could be shown and detailed to really make the audience sympathize and relate to her plight. It would be more work than exposition, certainly, but to force the audience to think for themselves, to come to the conclusion that they should feel sad rather than told to be sad, that is far more impactful. The audience is left on its own to stew in its own thoughts on the matter, and that is far more powerful than a summary of these past events.

Another thing that could have been done to make this story more impactful would have been to not outright state Celestia's infertility, like in the story description; you played all your cards right from the get go instead of holding them close to your chest and teasing us by playing them one at a time. It'd a bit of surprise for the audience. Maybe only reveal it at the end, or maybe not even at all, leaving the audience to figure out what the issue is that's making Celestia, and thus them, sad. It makes for a great amount of intrigue. This story wasn't very interesting to me but a hook like that would keep me here, and wanting to know more detail.

I can kinda see why you would show it right away, though. Some people do want to know what they're getting into before they read, and a bold infertility would draw the interest of others right away (edge lol).

Personally, I don't like it. It gives away too much of the plot, and I can already figure out a good chunk of what's going to happen in the story.

Boy Howdy. The swan in here is a trick I read on one of Bad Horse's blogposts. I'm pretty sure most of, if not all, the things I've mentioned here can be traced back to things I've learned from reading his stories and blogs... and a few other authors. Cold in Gardez's Salvation comes to mind. Anyways:

This is a simple trick: To make readers feel sorrier for your character after they suffer something terrible that made them feel insignificant, or to make them look down on a character who was overly proud ("Ozymandias", "The Remarkable Rocket"), show bystanders who don't care about or comprehend their fall.

Through that moment Celestia and the swan shared, I saw not only them acknowledging each other's company, but a complete lack of understanding of the inner turmoil within Celestia from the swan, along with the capacity to even do so. It, indeed, made me feel a bit sorry for Celestia. I liked that.

Eheh... to make it clear, Abyss, I'm not trying to bash on your work. I'm trying to impart upon you some ideas that I've seen from other authors that have had some success on what I feel are close to genuine emotional triggers in serious fic. These are just my opinions on how a successful emotionally evocative narrative should go, and it might not be such the case for others who may feel that this story works just the way it is, and that's cool beans, eh? Whatever floats your boat, and it's your choice whether to regard or disregard. Although, I would like for you to ponder upon these ideas, it's cool either way, eh? ^_^

5190663 I was thinking the same thing. :derpytongue2:

Interesting plot point. It's a bit rushed in execution, and this Luna doesn't sound like any Luna I know - even micro-edition-comics Luna.

Who would want an old, dried up mare like me? Her shoulders slumped as that question popped into her mind.

I can think of at least one pony who'd take one for the team... :twilightblush:

“Yeah, well… they told me I was fine both mentally and physically, except for the fact that you and I now have something in common…”

I can think of at least one pony who'd take one two for the team... :twilightblush:

I can't help but feel this'd be easily solved by Discord snapping his fingers. Considering he can do almost anything.

5192382 True, but that makes it have no feels.:fluttercry:

Amm

5192382
Discord's limitations are quite odd actually. He might be unable to affect something so subtly without affecting the greater whole in a negative way. His magic might cause them to produce only monsters. Or her body might be unable to handle a child at this point causing miscarriages. A couple limited examples.

The risks are many when you play with biology.

Meanwhile, back at the gardens...

Cadence: What's wrong with Aunt Celestia? She seemed upset after I told her I was having twins. I'm the alicorn of love! I KNOW THESE THINGS!!

5192650
Or they could give birth to Chaos Spa- I mean, They-that-should-not-be-named, or possibly be even turned into one themselves. Because Discord is Chaos and such is the way of the boons of Chaos.

Three five-chamber hearts and a vestigial ribcage are apparently necessary, among other things.

5190958 I have a problem with people whose first impulse is to drown their sorrows at the bottom of a medicine bottle. And psychiatrists play a major role in exacerbating the problem, since most have no idea how the drugs even work. They are told to prescribe X by over-simplified protocols meant to quickly turn over patients.

It's similar to those who drift into alcoholism or other forms of drug abuse.

Only this form of abuse is sponsored and supported by pharmaceutical industry lobbying. Psychiatric medications are horrendously overprescribed, and frequently do far more harm than good because a person without the imbalance the drug treats are driven legitimately insane by the drug's side effects and may become dependent as their neurochemical balance is altered by chronic use of medications which greatly affect the expression of serotonin receptors, among others.

The medications only help those who actually possess malfuctioning neurophysiology. For the rest, they are at best useless, and at worse can lead to mental defect worse than what they had initially. I have known several people who became suicidal after being improperly prescribed medication for very minor depressive symptoms.

After 20 years in neurodevelopmental research of one sort or another, I can say with certainty that much of the psychiatry practice today is proverbial 'snake oil' and drug-pushing for quick profits.

Well done. Brought emotion to my boring Monday. Thank you.

When Cadence

Two words.

Two.

Words.

img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121215095643/mlp/images/7/73/Spitfire_getting_down_to_business_S3E7.png

See, misspelling words in the story title is so bad it's funny, but not knowing how to spell Cadance's name is a pet peeve of mine. I just can't get over the fact that you misspelled her name. I can't read this until you fix them. :fluttershyouch:

Nothing personal. Your story sounds good. I just can't until that name is fixed.

5193081
Oh. In that case... I agree with you:twilightsmile:

Forgive my feather rustling.

5193517 Excuse me, but where in the title is there any misspelling? Last I have checked, Barren is correctly spelled. Maybe you might have been thinking of some obscure spelling of the word from Outer Mongolia?

Now, did you mean in the Long Description? If that is the case, then maybe he might have missed the spacebar at some point, but I honestly do not remember seeing such a mistake. That being said, there is constructive criticism, and there is being assholish. You, (not so) good Sir, do NOT fall within the first group.

5193517

See, misspelling words in the story title is so bad it's funny,

It's even funnier when I'm right. Proof: https://www.google.com/search?q=barren&rlz=2C5CHFA_enUS0537US0537&oq=barren&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i60j69i65j69i60l2.1660j0j7&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=91&ie=UTF-8

But not knowing how to spell Cadance's name is a pet peeve of mine. I just can't get over the fact that you misspelled her name. I can't read this until you fix them. :fluttershyouch:

You know Hasbro has used both variations of her name in multiple instances... right?

Nothing personal. Your story sounds good. I just can't until that name is fixed.

Lol, so you won't read something because someone is spelling something a different way than you? That's like me saying I won't favorite a story on fimfiction because knighty calls them 'favourites'.

5193745
Ah, it appears I was misunderstood. :twilightsmile:

When an author misspells a word in the title (this author did not), the story becomes ironically funny. I like reading ironically funny stories. This story is not ironically funny.

I quoted the portion of the long description that I had an issue with; my pet peeve is misspelling the word Cadance as Cadence. This was clarified by Lauren Faust. Cadance is the correct spelling; Cadence is related to music.

It's called a pet peeve because it makes you irrationally irritated, basically blowing your issues way out of proportion. I can't help my reaction. It happens regardless of my personal sentiments.

My apologies if I came across as an asshole. That certainly was not my intention. :unsuresweetie: Small errors, such as misspelling Cadance as Cadence, can really break the interest that some readers may have. My comment was intended for the author as an attempt at helping make the story better, not pissing in your wheaties. I apologize if you find it to be a personal affront, but I still fail to see where the issue is in trying to help someone else make their story better. If you find a problem with making suggestions to better a story, please feel free to discuss it with me in PM. :pinkiesmile: As such, I think I have clarified where I was coming from well enough here. Hopefully I won't get avalanched with downvotes, as has happened in previous comments of mine that were likewise due to miscommunication.

5193792
Ah. I see. You don't want me to read your story. :pinkiesmile:

My apologies for wasting your time. I'm certain my view will be much better appreciated elsewhere. :twilightsmile:

5193795 Seems less of your words being misunderstood by the readers of your post, and more of the writer of said post incorrectly stating what it was he meant to say, or, at least, not being very clear in his meaning.

Now, to the meat and potatoes of this reply.

my pet peeve is misspelling the word Cadance as Cadence. This was clarified by Lauren Faust.

It has been shown time and time again that Hasbro, in official releases has used both spellings of the lustful Alicorn's name. Also, while the show itself may have been created by Lauren Faust, her influence on the show was effectively pulled by Hasbro before the Princess of Infatuation ever appeared on the screen. Yes, there are those out there who choose to listen to her words as a Baptist would the Gospel of John, but the one official source would be Hasbro itself, either through their own releases, any books they officially endorse and/or have printed, or the show itself.

As for coming across in the manner that you did, that would be an issue within yourself that you might wish to consider working on. I see a general lacking of people skills in your replies, including in your following comment:

5193808 Ah. I see. You don't want me to read your story. :pinkiesmile:
My apologies for wasting your time. I'm certain my view will be much better appreciated elsewhere. :twilightsmile:

And actually, I suspect that such views would generally be unwelcome by the biggest majority of writers (and readers as well) here on this site, or any fanfiction site, for that matter.

5193792
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