Humans are lame and dumb creatures. Nothing more than a simple-minded Beast of Burden and the occasional house Companion. Everypony knows this! It's common knowledge. But what happens when the human isn't lame or dumb? What if he wasn't a simple-minded Beast of Burden? What if he wasn't just a simple house Companion? There are things, after all, that a human simply shouldn't be able to do...
Meet Rick, a human, hiding among native humans, in a pony's world, and here to accidentally break all standards.
Inspired by the Your Human and You-verse
Cover Art: Custom hand drawn by Insync of TheGlitchInTheMatrix
Editing: Sequence and Firewall of TheGlitchInTheMatrix
Chapters (5)
I think the first chapter gave me enough information to form an opinion on this story.
In the opening you switch tense so often it hurts to read, and this recurs every now and then throughout the first chapter.
Your protagonist is boring and uninspired as hell. He literally has no flaws whatsoever, and your attempts at doing this through crippling him are resolved a few paragraphs later. His personality is shallow, he's unrelatable and I'd even dare to go so far as to call him a Mary Sue. Because he's shallow and seemingly has no faults. You try to make him relatable whilst he's a cripple, but since there has been no buildup to make him relatable it falls flat on its face.
Your grammar is subpar, although the spelling is alright. Might want to get a proofreader or something to fix that.
Your chemobabble pissed me off, because most of it is nonsensical as hell. Almost nothing is explained properly and you just throw chemicals at the reader. For example: you mention both Chlorine and Hydrofluoric Acid. You never mention them again and it's as if they're only there to make things seem more scientific.
I'm not even going to start on your use of radiation, it's confusing and so unscientific it made me die a little on the inside.
In conclusion: I didn't enjoy your story, I found the protagonist to be a boring Mary Sue, the grammar to be subpar and the attempts at chemobabble to be more annoying than impressive.
--Dementia Ravenmane, 14/10/27, 23:11--
so beautiful!
more please.
5193544
The first part is past-declarative tense. After the preface is a hop between past-progressive and present, so I understand how simpler readers may get disoriented from such; I will fix that, thank you for pointing it out.
Little was supposed to be revealed by him as more of the story is about his re-evolution back into another person. His lack of flaws presently, are meant for later development, nothing I can really do to fix that without shattering the rest of the planning for the story. The crippling of his body was a precursor, remained unresolved for now because he truly never did get healed yet. His mind, in context, is somewhere else. As I have revealed extremely little about his insights, personality, morals, and situational preferences, your claim of "Shallow Personality" is unfounded. As this is only the first chapter, nothing yet has been explored and foundations are barely being put in place. Please be patient with other writers after this, Thank you.
The fact of him being "unrelatable" was intentional as it places the ground for future antagonists and trials for the Main Character. You are correct in the lack of build-up for his familiarity because none was placed. Again, as a ground setter for future trials and tribulations.
Nothing I can comment about my grammar or mechanics. Syntax, maybe, as I know that I sometimes hobble around on Formal and Stream-of-Consciousness. I'm working on that; I'm a young writer. I do have one proofreader, but I load them all too much with other Original Pieces I have. That fault is mine.
The "Chemobabble" is all true as I have a Chemical background, particularly in Pharmaceutical Synthesis. I thought I simplified it enough to avoid that, but it's apparent that I was wrong. But I did put them in to add to the MC's Chemical Dexterity and make the reader feel a little left out as it was part of a realm of science outside of common knowledge.
Allow me to explain: Chlorine cleans the tubes. Hydrofluoric Acid, in this case, was used as a suspension fluid, common amongst other Pharmaceuticals, for two other compounds I didn't mention as they have names that are irrelevant and confusing to read, even to me.
As for the radiation, again; Pharmaceutical Necessity. Many Time-sensitive drugs and vaccines require a focused dose of particle stimulant to drive heavier parts of the drug away from active enzymes to prolong the "travel/shelf". The way I applied it was heavily unorthodox, but not unheard of in my profession.
Thank you for your opinion; they are the lifeblood for writers everywhere after all. I'm sorry you grew impatient with the MC's development and decided to not give him a fair chance. No comment on grammar; I am a Pharmacist, used to short-handing like crazy; I understand, and I apologize for that. And the "chemobabble"(Would you mind if I used that word regularly? It's a good slang word for this), although confusing to you, is necessary.
Thank you for your input!
TheGlitchInTheMatrix.
5193753
We have one more pre-written chapter. After a few more days pass, you will see the next chapter. Everything after this is still in rough drafts. Planning is complete and outlines are pretty much concrete, so hopefully we won't delay too long with every prior chapter release.
Thank You,
TheGlitchInTheMatrix
5193827 this pleases me!
5193846 Your Harry Partridge illustration frightens us...
This is a good story. I'm amused by Rick and his sense of humor and I'm eagerly awaiting seeing how his meeting with the Cutie Mark Crusaders goes, if he can train his niece so well I bet he can teach them some tricks. Or tweek out Scootaloo's scooter into an awesome stunt machine! With Zecora, The Cakes, Pinkie, and Octavia vouching for him hopefully Rick will be accepted soon... though I can totally see him trolling Twilight for a bit as payback for her attacking him.
5194186
The Taunting Twilight shtick will stick around for a good while. But yes, he will be punishing her in a way... I think you'll be happy with what's planned for the CMC and the Cakes. Thank you for your praise; it's highly appreciated.
Excellent way of introducing Rick to the Crusaders, I can totally see them following him around for fun and to see what he does next. I hope Vinyl and Octavia make up soon. Is Rick going to manage to troll all of the Mane 6 besides Pinkie????
I absolutely loved the use of the classic line from the Legend of Zelda cartoon!
5226412 Glad you're enjoying yourself thus far. I'd like to tell you that Octavia and Vinyl will have a happy ending, but that would entail a spoiler...
No, Rick will not be trolling the Mane 6 excluding Pinkie. He will be trolling ALL the Mane 6 INCLUDING Pinkie.
And that really, really, really, REALLY bad quote just seemed to perfectly fit the moment. I had something else planned entirely, but that sort of worked its way in there, for the better.
5262543 if Rick can Troll Pinkie even with her Pinkie Sense and other abilities then he is the Troll King. Though I can see him happy playing Dumb Human to mess with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
5262577
5262579 So those two despicable fillies will get trolled???? EXCELLENT!!!!
Of course!
5272274 Sarcasm?
5263545 "Trolled" is FAR too light a term for these two...
5272443 Of course!
5272446 Even better!!!! MAKE THEM SUFFER SUCH HUMILIATION THEY CAN'T WALK AROUND TOWN WITHOUT EVERYPONY SNICKERING AT THEM!!!!
5272980
5272980 Sarcasm?
5193544 personally the main reminds me of a mix of my uncle and my father mixed together
5275922 It's very eerie that you declare that as he was based off a mother and her father mix of one of our writers. He's not just completely fabricated to be Flawless.
Playing a potato. Like a Boss
5354926 There's a japanese guy on youtube who does the same thing, but with a carrot.
Why thank you good sir ,
how did you know I am a pervert?
5646138
...erm, what?
5646165
You kept calling me a pervert in the story and I accepted it as a compliment, so thank you thumps up!
So Rick has Pinkie, the Cakes, Octavia, Zecora, and the Crusaders on his side and knowing what he is... and Rainbow, Applejack, and Fluttershy seem to care for him. LET THE TROLLING OF TWILIGHT AND RARITY COMMENCE!!! Rick needs to cuddle with more ponies, I think Fluttershy would enjoy it at the very least.
Why the hell would you need to combine Hydrofluoric acid with bloody Chlorine?! Hydrofluoric acid is a freaking TOXIC and CORROSIVE CHEMICAL, WHILE CHLORINE WAS USED AS A FUCKING WEAPON IN WW1 AND WW2. YOU USE IT NEXT TO A FUCKING YOUNG CHILD?! NOT TO MENTION THAT AT ROOM TEMPERATURE, CHLORINE'S A GAS, WHAT THE FUCK. ALSO, HOW THE FUCKS DO COMPOUNDS HAVE ENZYMES. ENZYMES ARE FUCKING BIOLOGICAL PROTEINS USED TO LOWER THE ACTIVATION ENERGY OF REACTIONS! HOW THE FUCK DO COMPOUNDS HAVE ENZYMES?!
ALPHA RADIATION IS ESSENTIALLY TWO PROTONS AND TWO NEUTRONS. WHY THE HELL WOULD THAT DO ANYTHING BESIDES GIVE YOU CANCER.
5716658 Yes, hydrochloric acid IS highly dangerous, and also very necessary for a pharmaceutical fluid called fluoxetine. I've left this out of context because, honestly, who would care enough to read through the entire process of making this serum?
I have a background in Pharmaceutical Synthesis, so I understand that the processes are tedious to have to follow, let alone read about.
And those two chemicals were never combined! The rest of the solutions are highly sensitive, so the test tubes outer surfaces must be cleaned regularly. If you'll read carefully, the tube was SET OVER the cylinder with chlorine.
That, of course, brings up your mention of Chlorine.
Again, not everyone is familiar with pharmaceuticals. I've had to dumb many a things down to make it much more accessible. This meant abridging, or homonymning words, such is the case with chlorine.
Yes, the chemical element Chlorine is dangerous. Highly so. You're not entirely correct with it being a weapon as chlorine, en solo, dissipates too quickly. What your referring to is a compound... I don't what it consists of, I just know what you know: chlorine is in it. I used chlorine as in the pool cleaner. The mild bleach agent.
In an effort to identify that's what I meant, I did not capitalize chlorine, as is proper when referring to an element.
Unfortunately, I can't properly address your issue with enzymes in compounds. It actually pertains to the story. But, to most objectively answer your question. When adding biological agents to a mixture, you can have enzymes in a compound if you put them in there.
The radiation is the funniest thing to address...
It's great to know that you know what alpha radiation is! That means you should also know that the particles emitted are actually too big to penetrate human skin. General exposure to this radiation is harmless. However, it can pass through thin glass, e.g. the syringe used for the injection. This is to remove the micro-static charge on the serum so that it can properly circulate through the body without it all bonding to the cells on site. There is another comment with similar concerns that I also addressed on this thread. I urge you to read it.
Update?
5738491 it's best to check our profile page on update progress. We know it's been a while, but our own lives still need to progress as well.
Also, the designated writer is also a tad lazy...
lionsdenu.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/ocarina-nickelback_c_1947045.jpeg
6375716
Looking forward to more.
........why?
6897174 ....... Why not?
I found this and loved reading it! I really hope you can manage to continue this story.
Really, no comments?
I know it's late, but you're off to a very good and... unique style!
This is really good so far. Keep up the great work!
8073260
Very sorry, I'm an independent writer as of 4 years ago. Our group has unfortunately disbanded and I'm the sole proprietor of this account now. A major contributor to the story not being continued is an ongoing personal and original project. I do aim to continue these stories, however, I, sadly, cannot tell you when they will be updated.
11023973
I'm very sorry, I'm not the original writer of this story and they have not given me their notes pertaining to the rest of the development of the story. The passed few years have also been very hectic for me as I'm now part of an original animation project that has seriously headed my time. Hopefully, soon, I can get back to these stories.
11024648
2022