FlameandIce
Joined 2nd Aug, 2013 ·
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...Huh.
Night Lily, now that's a hot name.
You could definitely use some assistance with the pacing, as it passes moderately fast. An editor is what you need. Anyway, this was interesting and a neat little read.
It goes a bit too quickly for my tastes, but I love to see a clop story involving the thestrals. Nice job overall.
Doesn't belong in the humanized ponies group
5179507 Yeah I don't know why someone added it to that
this is a alright story I'll give it a 7/10
it lost points for lot of grammer errors.
I'm try to be rude or anything, but dude you need a proofreader.
Double period at the end.
'Dark' doesn't need to be capitalized.
'her' isn't capitalized.
Replace the period after 'you' with a comma and de-capitalize the following 'She'. There is a period missing after 'smirk'.
Well that escalated quickly.
Period missing after 'him'. De-capitalize 'She' at the end.
De-capitalize hotel. Replace period with a comma. Period missing at the end.
Replace period after 'sex' with comma then de-capitalize 'He'.
Capitalize 'she' at the beginning. Replace period with comma, de-capitalize 'the second 'she, then add the missing period at the end.
De-capitalize 'Bat'.
Capitalize the first 'm'. Replace the period before 'She' with a comma then de-capitalize 'She'.
Replace period with comma then de-capitalize 'He'.
Capitalize 'chuckling' or replace the period with a comma.
Replace period with a comma then de-capitalize 'She'.
Either replace the period with a comma or question mark, then de-capitalize 'She'.
De-capitalize 'Anal'.
Capitalize the first 'm'. Replace period with comma then de-capitalize 'She'
Replace period with comma then de-capitalize 'He'.
At this point I gave up reading because there were so many grammar problems I was getting a headache
You need to give Anon his money back or at the very least get someone to fix all the glaring errors
No, just give him his money back if he did indeed pay for this horrid amalgam of words.
Go read my story Friendship Lesson #101: Heated Situations.
I charged $15 for that story and it got featured for three days, and got top place in the features box, and I had three people edit and proofread it to ensure quality (so four people were involved with the making of it including myself).
How much did Anon pay for this story? He got ripped off something fierce.
This is why commissions are frowned upon. Why do people even pay for half ass shit like this?
5180470
Yeah, Anon is owed his money back
Commissions are not frowned upon by any means unless you know what you're doing.
When I got commissioned, I followed through with flying colours
Check out my story I linked below if you don't believe me.
Also, love your avi
Booty!
5180500 Issues stated bellow have been addressed and fixed and commissioner has been notified please do say if you notice any others I thank you for you "constructive" criticism img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130630180446/aceattorney/images/9/96/AAI_Miles_Edgeworth_Bowing.gif
5180500 Nightmare Booty is best booty!
5180776 Did he get his money back?
5180808 He denied I shall be more careful in the future it appeared it hadn't bothered him too much. I was quite surprised he liked this hideous flaw of work myself. I shall fix anymore errors at a later time.
That was painful to read. The person who wrote this has no concept of how sex works the characters were more one dimensional than parasprites tits. It was to short there was no build up and dear god the sex scenes were cringe worthy at best. It was like reading off a list. Their is no explanation or as I said build up. it is guy walks down path, hey their, lets fuck, K, fucking, that was good, anal? in the space of 1500 words. This needs a massive rework and I would suggest getting a couple good proof readers to look over your story. I liked the concept and idea but the delivery was poor and i think it could do better. Also be lucky I found you and not some of the others they would have torn this story to pieces.
Do not be downhearted by this critique I do not hate this story but I think serious improvements have to be made. Good luck mate I will be keeping an eye on you
5180212 Don't get too full of yourself rookie. He is a first time writer and it would do us all good not to act like cunts! We have all started off with that first story. The first story is always bad for most writers. I hold hope that the writer will rethink his writing and maybe give us something good in the future.
5180470 Can I just remind you that two of your stories are DBZ cross overs, one a sonic cross over and the final one a dragon quest cross over no offence to your style of writing but they are the one of the most hated cross overs in the fimfic community. I would be selective in ones insults, we don't need to offend people for the sake of it, be harsh with criticism but actually give criticism.
5181426 This was the kind of critique I was looking for. I respect your opinion and certainly do agree. I plan to hopefully improve in the future and the real help will be critics like you dear sir.
Meeeh... The dialogue is a bit bland, if I had to be blunt and honest here. To a point where it kind of killed it for me.
Not really just the dialogue either, the story itself seems a bit lacking. Doesn't really have conflict or go into mental detail. Like maybe... What if he has never engaged with prostitutes before and doesn't feel all that comfortable with it? Maybe some residual leftover beliefs from the old world that doesn't make him want to so quickly just agree to horse sex? As for mental detail, I guess... I don't really know. It just doesn't really seem to stray much from "it feels good".
Also, with the dialogue, might want to keep an eye out for repeated lines throughout. I could make a drinking game out of how many times anything like "sounds good" comes up.
I'm just going to leave this here because you obviously need it:
Proper grammar for dialogue.
5181444 Most hated crossovers? Nah, far from it. Nice try though.
5182427 Save for your raze quest or what ever it is called this story has more likes than your other three.
5183290 The big difference between my stories and this story is that I have a higher quality of worksmanship put into each of them than this does. And I don't make a bit of money on any of them! Lol.
It says a lot when you're paid to write something and you don't put your all into it. The only reason this story has any upvotes is because of the cover art. Not because the work is quality.
Though I do hope the author improves and tries to stay away from commissioned work. Till he does better anyway.
5183475 I would argue that point I think the story had potential just had poor delivery
5183480
I think the only way to salvage this would be to completely axe it and start from scratch.
As it stands, basically everything needs to be rewritten. The beginning, sex, yeah... everything.
If this were to be a concentrated form of potential, then I could most likely squeeze 5000-6000 out of it.
What I like about this is Lily herself, this character could go a long way in the right kind of story. While it may not be your best mr. author you have got something you could really run with due to the potential of the O.C. Night Lily.
5184229 no point going 6000 a clop should be short and sweet around 4000
Great fic but one question.... So.....was Lily a prostitute? Cuz he never payed her if she was...
p.gr-assets.com/540x540/fit/hostedimages/1406879789/10611400.gif
5183475
The cover art is what has inspired me to write my own bat pony x human romance story, although after reading 5184229's comment, I'm confident that I'll be able to pull off my idea without a problem.
Point being, I was going to read this story until I read through the comments. I still might, just to feel better about my own idea. And I think that commissions (paid or free) for stories aren't a bad thing, but put more effort into making it the best it can be; that way all parties involved (especially the end user, the reader) are happy.
5199846
The part about the "Red Light District" in the description pretty much confirms that she is.
Well, I finally decided to read this, and I wasn't impressed in the least. Glaring punctuation and grammatical issues abound absolutely killed my immersion in the story before I could even develop any; the characters are flat and mechanical, there's really no other point to the story than "human meets sexy pony and then they blank!". This isn't an inherently bad plot device to use, but one has to pull it off well for it to be enjoyable.
I've noticed that others have commented on the same issues with the story, but I wanted to reserve my own judgment before actually reading the story. I'd be willing to help edit/proofread any future projects you might create, mainly because I like to help others, but also because it's doing a disservice to the reader if you don't correct mistakes to make the story the best it can be.
Oh, on a totally different note, ponies/horses have hair, not fur. Just thought I'd share that little tidbit with you.
Distorted pretty much summed it up in his critique so there's not really much that I could add. This story has massive potential which I think could really shine through if you went back to the drawing board with it. I will say pay attention to the flow of your story, it was so abrupt and jerky it kind of felt like I was reading an instruction manual.
Then BOOM!! She sucks his blood. And he dies.. ... ... FIN.
It's Better than Exotic Tastes....almost same story but with happy ending
Sequel! PLEASE?
Very cute story! I really enjoy it!
cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/697893326417952810/700622061663420477/8088e1c8a2cc156fc5135d478874aae3.gif