Caramel has never been a brave pony. He's constantly second-guessing himself and since foalhood has found it difficult to see himself for who he is. Having only lived in Ponyville for a few months he doesn't know much about his object of affection, Big Macintosh, but in a surprising burst of courage he may just be on his way to the happiest times of his life.
Cover art by: Clepony
thanks Storm Butt for the title
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting idea for a story. It was nice to picture Mac being the bashful one at the end.
"Had it been an antenna maybe he would have gotten signals and wake up in time so he wasn't late!"
If only Caramel knew what the heck a phone antenna was.
Okay long wall of text so I will insert this gif of a reference you won't understand of this character I don't like.
33.media.tumblr.com/96aff0d8854aa3e9a6324b6938730f08/tumblr_n5hkrxxcdu1r6c90zo7_r2_400.gif
Okay so first of all be prepared for a swarm of bitching, because I love you Sora.
This story, while full of cute ideas, feels like an outline for a chapter much better. That long over detailed kiss seemed like it did not warrant it to feel that of description for characters we just met, and barely know their relationship with each other. Has Caramel had feelings for long? Did Mac ask him out or vise Versa? Did that five minute walk really begin their relationship or have they had a backstory before this? This story relies a lot on assumption when we really should be given details filled it. It's alright to drag a story out a few thousand more words or even chapters. It isn't even show don't tell, because you haven't told us a thing about these characters or why they know each other or how they met or why the hell we should have any reason to believe they like each other, much less like them ourselves.
Throwing in OC's for plot purposes is needed, I understand, I did it with Caramel's Brother and Braeburn's father in my stories and it worked out fine. The problem is we have literally no idea who this pony is, is he a relative of Caramel? A mother? Grandmother? Random crazy batshit lady? We need to establish characters and relationships and why the hell ponies are there if we want to have any connection to them. SHOW us how they met, why he's there. Show us him falling asleep. Create scenes, the entire first chapter doesn't have to be scenes with no breaks in it, you're allowed to establish characters before throwing us in this romance we have no reason to care about. If you go at a pace like this characters become empty husks who can't stand on their own and are defined only by their relationship, not the personality of the two created that relationship and opening up interesting dialogue and feelings and giving a heart to the story that really is crying for one.
Is Caramel shy? Why? Why does Big Mac have any reason to like him, they talk like this is the first time they've spoken and Caramel spotted a cute guy. But Obviously Mac sees something in him, but he's clamped up tighter than a ball gag on a sex dungeon imp. He obviously has to have something for him, he obviously knows this is a date and isn't just oblivious and not realizing he likes stallions. It makes him really feel like he has no character that makes him worth Caramel's time, which is why I come back to that kiss not being warranted. Mac does a lot of thinking at a cliff side. Okay, why? Does he think about his worries, his future, his family, anything? We don't know how these characters work and think, we can't be expected to like or care that they're kissing unless we're just here for the shipping itself, which might work for some people, but it feels really... fanfictiony. And I know that sounds strange, but you want to feel like an author here, make us feel emotions and give these characters life, show there personal life and worries before we find them even meeting. These characters aren't really characters in the show, they're background and at best supporting characters. Play off the fact that Mac is thick yet shy and kind, have Caramel trip and have him show actual worry and feed off his big brother persona that he has had his entire life. Have Caramel take a moment of rest while we all question why the hell he is sleeping in the middle of the day when they went stargazing!
When I read this, I just feel like I'm asking WHY the entire time, why are characters acting like this. The entire chapter is honestly hurt by feeling like a trailer for a story that needs more explanation if you want to cram so much into a single chapter. A scene of Caramel actually falling asleep on the job would do nice for that scene to have any kind of meaning near the end. Here's a case where you tell what could be used to develop so much more character if extended to an actual scene. The walk itself feels like a little loop around the block and that's it date's over passionate making out! You need to create the awkward tension of Mac being dead silent, of Caramel getting no actual words coming to him of a connection that he wants, that we assume he HAD to feel before in order. You have to love the characters and not just your ideas, as I said earlier, it feels like a cliff notes version instead of fully three-dimensional characters who have cute quirks like babbling when they blush and being dead silent yet shy and kind.
I know you have what it takes to be a good writer, just learn to love the characters.