I write, sometimes. Hurting but never dead.
For the Pegasus Dream Feather, it was a trip to Ponyville like any other. That is until he heard about the disappearance of Rainbow Dash. He never planned to do anything more than learn about it. And he certainly did not want the whole thing to turn into his personal adventure. Yet somehow he finds himself a pawn in the middle of a dangerous scheme.
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Im liking the plot so far but twilight is so ooc is bugging me to no end
34503 If you gave a little comment about in which way ooc I could try to keep in mind what you mean.
(Yes she normaly is not nearly as aggresive and much friendlier. But this is also the pony who created a friendship problem do to lacking a message to her teacher. Point being, she acts horrible under great ammount of stress and when people expect things from her, both of which she is being being forced to face. She is not thinking very clearly and making some mistakes in her logic.)
You have an interesting story here. The OC is well developed, but I feel like the mane six are a bit lacking. Especially Pinkie Pie.
And Twilight seemed kind of off, especially in the first chapter.
There are several little things spread throughout the story that seem like they must be important to the overarching plot. Little bits of foreshadowing here and there. I'll be keeping my eye on this one.
Also, I ran into a few mistakes while reading. In the first chapter, your spacing (or formatting or whatever it is called) is weird in a few areas. I did spot some spelling/grammar mistakes, but only one of them actually stuck with me. "That the signal!" from this chapter. I don't know why, but every time I read "That the signal!" I start laughing. It completely killed the mood for me.
I will be waiting for the next chapter.
70466 Thankyou for the comment.(and the overall kind words) I will fix that signal line(already have) and the spacing in the first chapter.
And yes, Pinkie Pie's character is a bit lacking so far,(and probably will continue to be) this is my first fanfic(aka, not yet very practiced at writing incharacter for already set characters) and Pinkie's character is difficult to write as such I don't want to use her too much till I am able to do it correctly.
Overall expect the story to be more centered arround DF than the mane 6.(Though of course they are still playing part in this story and some of them will have bigger parts while others smaller ones)
I am really liking this story so far!
Also, it seems that you have decided to go with a balance of chapter length and update speed. This chapter is over four thousand words, but you released it just over a week after your previous chapter. That seems like like an okay compromise to me.
This chapter had a lot of Rainbow Dash in it. In my opinion, that's a good thing!
She's fairly well written. Kind of an interesting blend of her familiar personality and what I would expect from an amnesiac that thinks she's being chased by strange ponies.
Only one big problem I had with this chapter: I'm pretty sure bones don't work that way. At least you never went into great detail about it, so I suppose I can forgive it this one time. But that part is going to use up some of my SoD for this story, just so that you know.
I cannot wait for the next chapter!
Sorry for the double comment, but I just realized something. If Rainbow Dash still has her memories from when she met Dream Feather, then shouldn't she remember Fluttershy too? She did her first Sonic Rainboom while racing the bullies that were picking on Fluttershy.
96219 Thankyou for the comment(s) and I am going to try to adress both of your questions.
To the bones. What exactly are you refering to when you talk about them not working that way? I must admit that I am not really studyed in pegasoi body structure, but I assume it is very much like classical avian structure. And while my descriptions probably were not perfect the general idea of a bone/muscle being twisted and setting falsly should be very possible on any type of bird.(There is only one bone, and that is along the top of the wing, the base of this bone could easily be broken and twisted sideways. Or at least probably should be, if you studied this feel free to correct me) But yea, as you already said I did tryed to keep out the details. Both because details would have only made it drag and because I am no doctor or biologist.
The second question is very good and I like knowing that my readers thought about it that much. There are a number of ways this can be explained though.(I am not going to commit to one outside of the story itself as I might end up thinking of some better reason at some point, but once I commit to one I will not switch rules on it halfway through, I promise)
1.Her general memories of THE ELEMENTS and not a general timespawn could have been ruined. Remember that the whole time thing was DF's reasoning and concusion, DF is not unfailable and is guessing as much as the reader is.
2.We don't actully know how much RD and Fluttershy know each other from back then. We really only have the sonic rainboom ep and we do not know if Fluttershy and RD ever often(or ever)again after that ep till Season 1. I can support this reasoning by the fact that RD seemed not to have known that Fluttershy was affected by that sonic rainboom.(Correct me if I am mistaking, probably have seen these episodes less then some others on here)
In the end I will probably fall back on a mixture of those two unless I end up discovering a mistake in one of those logics.
Again, thank you for the comments and I must say both were really nice ones. They were thoughtprovoking and interesting to read.(It is not that I have not thought this whole thing through myself, just that Fluttershy detail kinda half slipped my mind)
Wow! This is a great chapter. Really super awesome great! And really long too.
I am at a loss for words. This story has definitely captured my interest. I can not wait for the next chapter!
A lot happened this chapter. I will write all the comments I remember, since you seem to enjoy lengthy feedback.
First, the writing is excellent. Do you get a new editor or something? This is the first time I have seen you use semicolons. You used them correctly as well.
The interactions between Rainbow Dash and Dream Feather are really well handled. I enjoyed seeing them get over their initial awkward conversation. Though Dream Feather strange devotion to Rainbow Dash is a little exaggerated, but that might be intentional in this story. All of this mind magic has me doubting myself!
The sudden attack caught me off guard. I loved the battle scene. I wish that there had been more of it actually. The oppressive, panicked feel at the beginning of that fight is just excellent.
And finally, the villain. His first appearance in the story and he hits it hard. I hate him already, in a good way.
God dam*it ive been trolled
120421 Thankyou for the feedback, always welcome and like always I will adress everything.
Yes I do have a new provereader. But the large change in quality is probably more existant because of the large ammount of rewrites and edits this part had.(As i knew this part might bear the most weight in the whole story)
Though yes, the new provereader is the reason for the semicolon useage.
Dream Feather's devotion will seem more reasonable if you look at it from his eyes and not your own. Dream Feather had close to no interaction with the outside world. When he was dragged into this he was totally out of his element(no refrence intended) and at a compleet loss. When he met Rainbow Dash she was in a very much the same condition as he was, confused, lost and afraid. As such he saw his own despair and fear in her. Seeing his own blight mirrored in her made it impossible to turn his back on her. Ontop of that he is not used to making a promise, much less to breaking one. As such having made a promise and sworn his loyality he is not really used to just breaking or abondoning it.(Unlike us who might see such a thing everyday)
And lastly, he kinda needs Rainbow Dash. She is the only ally he has and without her he would be standing compleetly alone. And while the villian does seemingly not have any interest in him he can't know for sure if that is true or not.
I am glad you liked the fight scene, that actully dragged the story back at least two if not three days because the original version of it was MUCH shorter and while had the same events it was pretty much devoid of action.(In the original version DF pretty much instantly uses the wings, there is also little description about the fight between the mane 6 and the monsters. Pretty much imagen if the whole locking wings up part was gone and DF would have found RD without seeing Fluttershy and AJ first)
But I just wasn't happy with leaving it weak as this story does not have many action scenes so I thought that if I am going to have few I might as well make those ones thought out and interesting.
Also glad you liked the villian apearance. I was getting mixed feedback if I should keep him in shadows or show him but I really wanted to and here he is now. Personally my favorit scene in this part.
Next update might be slow, just warning ya. School is both wasting almost all my time and making me to tired ot really efficently write anything. But I'll see about getting it out sometime before the end of the month.
EDIT: To the guest comment.. I have no idea what you are talking about or refering, care to explain?(I am pretty sure you wont.. but might as well try)