I am a girl who got into My Little Pony Friendship is Magic 7 years ago. And I've finally decided to try and write fanfics, so...yeah. That's about it. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.
Four out of the six former Element Bearers are dead. Some died in tragic accidents, some from illness. But, whatever the cause, the feelings of guilt and sorrow are the same for both Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle. As they revisit their memories of those four fateful days, what do they discover about themselves?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well, at least you tried.
This story feels like a diluted mess. It tries to have us feel sad from seeing the mane 6 die one by one, but it sincerely fails in that regard. The deaths aren't unexpected as one might expect them to be in such a short story, in fact, it's quite the opposite. The deaths are very predictable, and that is simply a byproduct of the story's style. Each death scene is separated from another by an event in Pinkie's and Twilight's time. This leaves plenty of time to the reader to figure something is gonna happen right after that.
But that's not the only way the story is diluted. The deaths are, sadly, the only thing the author finds to make us sad, which in and on itself is pretty bad, but that's not all. The deaths themselves are often hidden in some way or another. Sure, the first death was shown, but it was from cancer, not exactly the most shocking way. The others? Applejack gets crushed by a wooden beam, not shown. Rainbow Dash gets struck by lighting, not shown. Fluttershy drowns, half shown, but still it's no big shocker.
Rarity's death has something that really bugs me. At some point the author tries to pass off exposition in a dialog.
Not only was it about as subtle as an helicopter chopping up an elephant, but it begs the question: Why didn't the author show it instead of telling it? Instead of saying "The doctors found out about the cancer three months ago", how about you make your flashback three months prior, and you actually show it? At least then you won't have to deal with annoying exposition.
A little bemol on the vocabulary chosen: Don't use instantly. Ever. This word is broken like nobody's business. For a movement to be instant, the initial Point A has to BECOME the destination, Point B. Unless you're actually faster than light, you can't be instant.
Those were my really big complaints. I have a few little ones, such as a lack of actual characterization and the lack of some lines to show the separation between the present time and the flashbacks, but there aren't any other major details I can think of that would be worthy of notice here.
6068220 Thanks for telling me your opinion, though I don't really agree with some of it.
6069400 That's alright. We can agree to disagree.
6071817 Yeah, we can.
6069400
As bad as it may sound, I have to agree with 6068220 on this.
What you've done is created a sadfic without any of the actual sadness to go with it. Each death is really just a couple of lines and it loses a lot of punch that way. Besides we know that it's only Pinkie Pie and Twilight that are going to survive. Some of the shock is literally taken away when it's presented up front like that.
Sorry, but this is thumbs down for me.
6388543 You do realize that I don't care what people think, right?
6388564
No reason to get butthurt about this. And yes you do care. A person that truly doesn't care wouldn't bother responding like you did.
I usually try to let authors know why I give them thumbs down so they can turn around and maybe try to avoid those issues the next time around. But if you prefer to act this way then please do so. You're not really fooling anybody though.
6388587 1) I'm not "butthurt".
2) You don't know me at all, therefore you cannot say whether or not I care. And I don't.
I responded because I feel it's rude not to, no other reason.
And, if you ever read anything else of mind and downvote, or upvote for that matter, please don't say why. Because, again, I don't fucking care.
6388671 (to be) Butthurt: An inappropriately strong negative emotional response from a perceived personal insult. Characterized by strong feelings of shame. Frequently associated with a cessation of communication and overt hostility towards the "aggressor."
Now I'm not saying that you're butthurt. All I'm saying is that you're kind of hostile and negative towards
6388543 and that this isn't the attitude to have on a website where criticism is a staff-supported activity.
6390373 I'm a negative/hostile person, and I often come off as condescending even when I don't intend to. And frankly, I don't care what he or you might think because of that.
The pointless deaths, one right after the other, reminded me of this Monty Python sketch:
6702846 Sorry
Oy. This felt... Pointless. You tell us who is gonna be left in the description, so the whole part of the story describing the other Mane 6 dying does nothing for me. It's also just not really well written, it happens too fast and you can't feel anything for it. And when you take the sad out of a fic that only has being sad going for it, what do you get?
Fifteen dislikes. Wait, gimme a sec.
Sixteen dislikes.