"Destiny tells of a hero, a defender of light.
A child, born of the night
Will be the one, indeed
Destroy the evil, whose heart of greed.
And be the greatest guardian of all times
All this is true because it rhymes"
Join the adventure of Jacob, a boy from Earth, and the main six, as they fight the forces of darkness along with other outworlders.
Credit goes to Xyee for the magic circles.
Typos corrected by Golden Flare.
MLP is owned by Hasbro.
Inspired by LEGO Dimensions.
And I'll tell you my disclaimers in my author notes in each chapter.
Edited: Shortened the title.
Edited2: Grammar fixes and retcon.
Not entirely sure what's going on here... needs some explanation to why it keeps jumping to different episodes n' that.
5985264 pay close to the clues I left behind. Figure out what he is after.
This premise looks entirely unoriginal, and the fact that you literally stole a character from Pen Stroke is the deal breaker.
Coupled with several grammar mistakes, I don't see this going anywhere good.
Downvoted.
5985977 I'll take her off. Jerks. I wanted her to be in this story.
5986005
It's best if you do. While this is a fan fiction site, you still want to maintain some level of originality.
And please refrain from calling your readers, who are the only people giving you a chance here, jerks.
5986011 I'll ask pen stroke, if I can add just her. That hooded stallion in not one of the children of nightmare.
Other than a quite a few typos, this is a good story so far, I can't wait to see the next chapter
5988007 I'm in progress of it, but that will take time. I can't rush perfection. Did you figure out what comes next?
5988030 The only thing I can guess is that Jacob arrives in Equestria
5988068 egg-xatcly, but that's a surprise. But there is more. But I'm not telling. I'm doing what Scott Cawthon does in his games.
5988275 Fair enough
1. "Cronicles" is spelled wrong, it should be, "Chronicles"
2. (I used both bold and italic to separate the two errors) The "b" in "book" should be capitalized and there should be a colon at the end (Ex. ":" )
3. The "n" in "night" should be capitalized
Delete the extra, "figure" and there's one space too many in between "was" and "alone".
1. At the end of, "Jacob" there should at least be a comma, or three periods, like so, "Jacob..."
2. "he" should be, "his"
3. The period after, "destination" should a colon instead, which at that point, you should lowercase the "A"
4. Uppercase the "H" in, "he"
1. Missing a comma at the end of, "on"
2. The "a" should capitalized when using an exclamation point at the end of a piece of dialogue
3. "disappointing" should be "disappointed"
4. Wait, when did he fall down?
5. Replace "you" with "you'd"
6. Same as #2
1. Missing a comma
2. You can use, "I'll" but in my opinion, "I'd be back later" sounds better to me
3. Same as before with the capitalization
1. Captialize the "s" in "she"
2. It would make more sense to write it as, "he ignored her and continued up the stairs."
3. "his mother shouted" seems a bit redundant since her dialogue was already on that paragraph
4. "YOUR" should be "YOU'RE"
5. At the end of, "MAN." should have this instead, "MAN!?" and at the end of "TOMORROW." should have an exclamation point or two, like so, "TOMORROW!" or "TOMORROW!!"
1. Put a comma after "stairs"
2. "their" should be "there"
3. Replace "and" with "so"
4. Capitalize the "H" in "he"
5. Replace "In Jacob's room" with "Inside"
6. Same as #2
7. "Statute" is spelled wrong, remove the 3rd "t"
8. Same as #4
9. Remove the comma from, "wardrobe"
I'm gonna stop it here for right now, there's a lot to go through, and my parents still need my help.
6190484 I did some modification to the tittle. Also fixed the typos.
6190484 I might need a new cover art, like what you have. If I can get a cover art that matches this, it'll be perfect.
6194387
1. That's good
2. What do you mean, like mine?
6194424 I mean you have cover arts that matches your stories. Should I just stick with the old one or ask a devientartist for help?
BTW what do you think of the title?
6194631
1. That's up to you, if you want to change your cover art, then more power to you, it's your story, after all
2. I like it, especially since it (somewhat) matches up with the story so far
6194779 I've been inspired by the new game that is coming out. It is call Lego dimensions, it is the ultimate crossover game. That is why. I'll just modify the description.
6195044 That's not a bad idea, go for it
6195063 thanks. Can you please find the rest of my mistakes? I just want this to be perfect.
6197497 Okay
Capitalize the "s" and the "e"
1. Capitalize the "e" in except
2. This one didn't look right, try, "And where there is smoke, there is fire."
3. Use, "Jacob was awoken"
4. Capitalize the "h" in "he" and change it to, "He then ran into his sister's room" (the reason I say this is because you're using the word, "rushed" too frequently)
5. Add a comma next to "black"
6. Capitalize the second "w", delete the comma, and add three periods
1. Add a comma next to "was"
2. I was confused by this, "I'm someone you'll know" was it meant to be foreshadowing, or did you mean to write, "I'm someone you know" like, he already knows him?
3. This is just to make it look a little better; "A loud bang resounded through the area"
1. This is supposed to represent someone's point of view? If it is, you should put it in both italic and bold and say it like, "Nebula's Point of View" (other people would have a different opinion on this subject for their stories, but this is how I picture it for this one, I'll understand if you don't agree with me)
2. Capitalize the "m" and "p" in the subtitle (the "I" in "is" is optional)
1. Remake this as, "A hooded unicorn stallion"
2. Add "rickety" in between "a" and "bridge"
3. Remake this as, "then he lit his horn" and delete (that means he is a unicorn.)
1. Capitalize the "h" in "harmony"
2. Add "Part" at the end of "Harmony"
3. Space out "1&2" like this, "1 & 2"
1. Replace "Discord" with "he"
2. Capitalize the "s" and "c" in "spirit" and "chaos" respectively
3. Add "dance with glee" at the end of "Chaos", just to make it look authentic
Gotta go, my stepdad's rushing us out the door to go fishing
6198178 "Someone you'll know" means he will meet him in future chapters. So I changed it to make more sence. Deleted the name and put "in the past." Nice thinking for Discord. And be careful if no bears tries to steal your fish.
6198364 Okay, whatever you're comfortable with, and I haven't seen a bear where I live, also, the fishing trip was a bust; it rained to high hell and back (forgive my language)
6198548 forgiven. I was just joking about the bear.
6198731 Sorry, didn't know you were just joking
6200177 it's alright.
6200177 Your almost done flare. Just find the rest of my typos, and I'll give you some credit on my story.
1. Add a comma at the end of "dragon"
2. Change it to, "making it jump a bit and turned to face him."
1. You spelled "quite" wrong, switch the "e" and "t"
1. Put "you" in between, "do" and "want"
2. Take out the extra "the"
1. Add "and" in between, "books," and "was"
2. A space is missing in between, "until..." and "We're"
3. You spelled "feminine" wrong, replace the second "m" with an "n" and add an "i" in between the "m" and the "n" that you replaced
1. Capitalize the "w" and "p"
2. Separate the 1, &, and 2 from each other
1. Add a comma in between "castle" and "the"
2. Change to "mare"
3. You spelled "earlier" wrong (this time, I won't explain how to fix it, 'cause I think I'm starting to sound like a jerk explaining it instead just writing the word)
4. Add "began" in between, "She" and "asked"
1. Change to, "He said, surprising her more"
2. This one is more or less optional, but change "cast" to "shot"
3. A space is missing in between "effect." and "I"
4. Replace the comma at the end of "said" with a period
1. Make "do" in italic, or capitalize the whole word, give it more emphasis
2. Add a period at the end of "demanded"
1. Change "back" to "backed"
2. Add a comma at the end of "wall"
3. Change it to, "He said, making Chrysalis confused instead of surprised,"
4. "He said." at the end is a bit redundant, since the reader already knows it's him speaking
1. Add a comma at the end of "said"
2. You spelled "wiped" wrong
3. Replace the three periods with a dash (I think that's what it's called: - )
1. Add a comma at the end of "ask"
2. Replace "said" with "interrupted"
3. Capitalize the "e" in "equestria"
4. Add a comma at the end of "Well"
5. Capitalize the "e" and "h"
6. Switch "to" and "not"
That's all for today, my parents kept me busy, so this is all I can do right now, good night
6210404 half way there. Keep it up. You have an eagle's eye for finding typos.
6228458 Thanks, and sorry I didn't get back with you on this, had a rough day yesterday, later today, when I'm not piled up with chores, I'll get back to work
6233110 ok
6237376 Right now, I can only do a few,
1. Replace it with, "Crying was heard from the other side"
2. Lowercase the "A"
3. You spelled "unnaturally" wrong
4. Lowercase the "S" in "Swallow"
5. Lowercase the "W" in "What"
6. Replace it with, "prompting the stallion to close his mouth."
Uppercase the "k"
1. Replace with "stand"
2. Add "and" in between, "circle," and "each"
3. Replace with "Five stallion sat in five of the six thrones,"
4. Add "getting" in between, "was" and "impatient"
6238774 thanks. Find the rest whenever your done with your chores. Not being bossy.
6242104 No prob
1. Uppercase the "w"
2. Change the period to a comma
3. Lowercase the "S"
4. Add a comma at the end of "second"
Uppercase the "e"
Uppercase the "e"
1. You misspelled "that's"
2. Replace with, "the first began,"
3. Add a comma at the end of "headache"
4. Change to "groaning"
1. Add a comma at the end of "vision"
2. Uppercase the "a" in "asked"
1. Uppercase the "t" in "the"
2. Same concept as #1
3. Add a comma at the end of "said"
4. Lowercase the "U" in "Us"
5. Same concept as #2
6. Change to "in"
7. Same concept as #4
8. You misspelled "It's"
9. You misspelled "crowned"
10. Same concept as #7
11. Add a comma at the end of "Wait"
12. Same concept as #10
13. Same concept as #12
14. Change to "upon"
15. Same concept as #13
16, 17, & 18. Same concept as #15
Lowercase the "I" in "in"
6245928 it is perfect. Thank you Flare.
6251704 No prob
Good so far, but I found some typos,
The rest of these lyrics aren't colored.
The "you" in between "makes" and "move" is missing in the second and third time it was repeated.
Well, that explains how Jacob got the sword and the gun when I posted the trailer on my blog
Other than that, nice job the chapter!
6522764 thanks, there's a link in the chapter to let you know what the sword looks like.
6524245 I found it when I read it
6524581 by the way, he just gets a sword, he'll get a gun latter.
6526828 Oh, okay, I just figured with Wrath's gun he just picked up, I assumed it would be his
6527217 that was an ion laser blaster, not a real gun. Jacob will get a Remington New Model Army.
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/callofduty/images/2/22/Remington_New_Model_Army_menu_icon_BOII.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/300?cb=20130701085212