ShadowDash2723
Joined 5th Mar, 2012 ·
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hmm... i like the concept and your writing style, however you need to break up your paragraphs a little more, and start a new one each time you change who is speaking.
aside from that my only other gripe is the trivial fact that the chapters are a litle short, but that's not major.
keep up the good work
Okay two things:
1. Her organs were harvested, and her skin ripped from her flesh how does her heart flutter if it's not even there?
2. It is a wall of text, I would recommend splitting that up as soon as you can to prevent hate.
Other then that I really like the idea. Please do go on.
Okay never mind about my last comment. This is good, I can now see why the organ thing, and other stuff works.
interesting...
you have my attention, the black ops style picture of rainbow dash is enough to get me in here, and the story looks good. i expect great things from you.
Tracked for later, the premise sounds a bit like Gungrave, if you asked me.
Old-fashioned voodoo, eh? I love it. I'll be interested to see where you go with this.
493540 Never even heard of gun grave XD is it good?
493928 Yes. The anime is slow, but the game is one crazy shoot-'em-up.
493937 sounds cool ill have to check it out!
I thank you all for your tips and advice! i edited chapters 1 and 2 to what ive learned. i havent changed the story much so if you dont feel like re reading it you wont be lost later! Thanks again for the advice and ill get working on the following chapters ASAP!
need more chapters nao!!!
Nice pic from the Dead RD Tumblr. Liked and Fav'd
OH GOD I HELPED PICK THOSE WHO WERE MURDERED!
496177 not really i just didnt remember there names. they were already picked
1.bp.blogspot.com/-w5KDqnIxp-Q/TalifoU8TAI/AAAAAAAAAAM/ohQMf9hZ2rc/s1600/kill%2Bme%2Bnow.jpg
Grrr! I shall never tell the name of a pony you don't know the name of... i sealed the fate of two ponies Celestia have mercy on my soul.
sigh.......
dash.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/132692171502.png
I'll leave this here.... a tribute to Applejack and Rainbow...
i must say that this story is coming along smashingly!
if i were to have any criticism about it, i would just say that this seemed a tad rushed, don't be afraid to take a little more time to add more detail and build up suspense towards the more important parts. other than that, you're lookin' good, keep em coming! (but seriously, take your time)
496259 alright ill keep that noted king! you heard the man! now i gotta make you all wait
Personally I don't like stories where Dashie dies, yet strangely enough I'm fine with UNdead Dashie. This is interesting.
Proceed good sir. I will be eagerly following.
I shed no tears nor feel any emotion for monstrosities like her. For the most part that is.
1; If Applebloom was in complete control, her death was satisfying.
2; If she wasn't and was forced to watch her body commit atrocities, she's probably relieved her body can't keep murdering.
Looking forward to the next chapter mate!
It felt a wee bit rushed if you ask me. Couldn't focus on one scene because it transferred into another too quickly. That's why I haven't felt much all throughout the chapter.
And also...
Applejack and Big Mac had just finished berrying Applebloom. None of them said anything. They berried Applebloom right next to where Dash was berried.
You accidently made it hilarious with those. The words you need here are "burying" and "buried".
Doesn't change the fact that I still like the premise of this fanfic and eagerly await an update.
oops
alright ill go fix those!
Okay the first two times you used your you used the wrong your. You used the possessive your instead of the contraction you're, second grade grammar come on.
Damnit... i need an editor
fixed them!
plz moar, i need more of this story, it is soo good!!!
take all of my
's
alright this settles it. i need an editor
i have a good idea but i have the grammer skills of blind elementary school student
any volunteers please?
Wait, I thought that Rarity was dead.
I will confirm the awesomeness of your story with my red truth:
This is the best Cupcakes sequel/story ever.
I want moar.
WHOLLY S
T THANKS!
Thank for all the compliments guys! i wont let you down! EPIC BRO HOOF! {insert brohoof}
502830 I'm always offering proofreading services. Just send me a message, and I'll help anyway I can.
you need to stop using alot, there are better words who do the same job,
alot just sounds ignorant.
Thanks again for all the advice and compliments! you guys ready for chapter 5?
need the next chapter now, please get it out!!! i have to say that you are an amazing writer and i eagerly want more from you! You have a talent for grimdark just like me and i find that great!!!
keep up the amazing work and get another one out so i can know what happens next!
hey if she was completely immortal that would just be to damn easy
Um seeing all the need editor things i guess i should say, when rainbow is talking to pinkie's mother she says
"Uh, no thanks! I cant find it, thank you!" I think you meant can, but other than that fantastic.
Keep up the great work!
oops XD
fixed!
Is it coincidence that Atomic Cupcakes (vs. Allicorn) from the brony remix war round 2 started playing when I was reading this? Or is not? I'm kind of scared now.
I would start running! lol! [img]file:///C:/Users/Dustin/Pictures/epic/tumblr_m1sxmc2m3r1r80bgvo2_r1_1280.png[/img]524316
Not only Rainbow Dash terrorizes Applejack, she kills Applebloom AND vandalizes a poor apple tree!
*Sighs* Would've thought they'd learn. Safety in numbers, especially when the target is a deranged psychopath with an unknown number of meat puppets... ah crap, now I'm thinking she's turned the whole of Appleoosa. Does the drug work on everyone or is it limited to ponies?
And for some reason I keep thinking Pinkamina frequently takes the drugs herself...
lots of random things happening...
Zecora randomly showing up everywhere?
Rainbow's sudden decision to go to Appleloosa?
Kinda stretching it there for me
532688 they aren't really random. Zecora moved as far to the outskirts as she could to escape pinkamina. and the message at the bottom of the cupcake said "Appleloosa." i didnt just want to bluntly state it thats why i said that Dash "repeated it"
sorry for the confusion!
ya thats it
youre going to hell
...
XD ok im sorry i had to say it
this is a nice twist
i like it
there should be an "thriller" tag for stories like these.
neeeed more, i love the chapter and i want more of it nao!
once again i have to ssay you are an amazing writer, keep it up!
ya they should add that! to be honest i wasent expecting this. im making it up as i go along