• Member Since 11th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 23rd, 2021

Redemption


T

Redheart always loved her job. Nothing could ever bring more joy than to help save ponies every day. However, like every pony, she also has to deal with many fears and frustrations accumulated along the way. The mare always did everything she could to keep these dark thoughts away... no matter how many nightmares torment her.

However, one fateful day, a terrible accident forces her to come face-to-face with her biggest regrets. Now she must escape from them... or risk joining them.

(Made as part of the Knights in Rusty Armor contest)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 9 )

A few typos (or I have some reader comprehension problems), but besides that, this is a great fic! :heart: Sequel maybe? :scootangel:

5258389 I might do a separate fic...

5261289 Well, thank you, I enjoyed reading that. This story is actually based on a talk I had with a doctor about a year ago, and it's nice to see I managed to interpret what he said more or less right.

To be honest, I didn't find this story horrifying. More sad than anything gory or scary. To be honest, I don't think you needed to use the gore tag in this. Nothing was actually out of league to be to gross for anyone.

You went perfectly well on making this story sad; having her relive the events in her life that she really regretted. You also made it seem very realistic in the places she was, where they died, where it all happened, ect.

All of this wasn't all too 'Dark' either. Only that one scene in the old hospital where she had the first regret was it actually 'Dark'. Anything else relating to that tag is unrelated, even if it is related.

The storyline was fairly decent, but it was never resolved. This story can still go further in her actually forgiving herself for the mistakes she made. It was also never made clear what exactly knocked her out in the beginning to cause her to dream about her regrets to be forgiven about. There could have been a stallion looking like one of her regrets, or even just the same cutie mark. That would cause her top have even more regret and possibly that stallion trying to help her out of it.

There was also never really any sort of threat to actually note in this story. If you would say that her old coltfriend trying to get her to be with him a threat, I will greatly disagree. He's not really threatening anything, more like trying to get back with her and never tried to force that in any way. He just asked, and she said no. If he tried to force her to being with him, I'd consider him a threat. Not by much, but still a threat.

This story definitely feels incomplete and could very well use another chapter or a sequel to resolve this. I'll take a look at the other stories listed for the contest and get back to all of you on a later date to resolve the contest.

My rating for this story will be placed as: 67/100

5285298 Well, thank you for the small review.

I agree with about the size and lack of something truly "dark" or "scary". Most of it comes from my own fear of doing something "edgy" or too big, to avoid that I decided to keep it simple and mostly just looking at her internal feelings and doubts. I suppose the whole idea behind the story, to deal with past regrets, was never that much of a scary subject to begin with; sad, but not scary.

I also agree that there was never any major threat to Redheart. The chase and the confrontation were perhaps simply too short to actually give the impression of a real threat or a "No Escape" situation.

Again, thanks for giving me your opinion and I hope to see what will come out of our little contest.

K.I.R.A Review

1. Story Line - The story runs smoothly. Actually, it could use more ambiguity. That would give it some suspense.
7/10

2. Spelling/Grammar - The story is properly proofed. 8/10

3. Completion Status - The story is dated as completed in time for the contest deadline. 10/10

4. Proper Length - The story is a little short. But I don't want to overly penalize it as the length fits the tale. 7/10

5. Horror Story - The story tags are all wrong. There's no gore, and it isn't very dark. This isn't horror, but it's certainly a tragedy. Nurse Redheart is tormented by a PTSD nightmare, and she's done nothing to deserve it. The reader feels for her. But there is no threat. It's much too obviously just a nightmare, and even within the nightmare there is no threat of harm. A little more ambiguity would increase the suspense. 4/10

6. Originality - Normally, PTSD and survivor's guilt is associated with combat, not with an emergency room. Still, this takes the "Living in a nightmare" name of the contest a little too literally. 5/10

7. Gore Tag - There is no gore, and no reason for the tag. 8/10

8. Overall Opinion - This is very much a mood piece. But that mood is tragic, not scary. It would be better if there was some doubt as to exactly what is happening to Nurse Redheart (at one point she wonders if she's been damned to Tartarus, but the reader never buys that). A little more dialogue would be nice as well. 20/30

Final Score 69

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