• Member Since 14th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Jasmine Tea


Greetings, I am Jasmine tea. As my butt can tell you, I am not a writer, I'm a chef. Now I'm off to have a cookie, then some beef stew..... What! I'm a bat pony, I need the proteins.

T

[img]http://img08.deviantart.net/3836/i/2015/103/2/0/chai_tea_s_collection_by_jasmineicenfire-d8pmd39.jpg[/img]
Chai Tea is the most interesting mare in the world, but always fighting beings that most folks would think are made up, can be pretty tiring. Not to mention covering it up too.
Neon Lights is your typical guy, dealing with his father and his family's legacy. How does he deal with this? Drinking of course.

How can these two possibly relate to one another. Surprisingly pretty well. Join these two ponies as they figure out what life has to offer them, and to each other life's as well.

This story takes place before the games and twilight's kingdom.
proofread by GradualGhost
and edits byJack O Worthy
this story wouldn't be possible without these guys.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 7 )

Affect is a verb; effect is a noun. Use effect instead of affect.

The chill winter air did wonders for his hangover. Until he trip on the pavement hitting his head; making his headache worse, fucking dammit.

So there's tripped, the fact that the second sentence isn't a complete sentence ( I recommend making it into one sentence - "Blah blah blah hangover - at least, until he tripped...) and you used the semicolon wrong; it should be a comma (I recommend reading the Oatmeal's comic). Oh, and don't overuse swear words - curses are fine, but they lose their punch when they're used every five sentences, in the goddamn narration.
Also, it's damn it.

“Lllliiiiistennnn lady with the weirrrrrddd looking eyes. I appreeeeciateeee you helping meeee, but I'm hung overrrrr, not helplesssss,” said the stallion; he took a wobbly step and nearly fell into the street again, before the mare catches him. Dammit why is this happening to me!

Stop being obnoxious, please. You do not need to repeat a consonant or a vowel four times for me to get that he's dragging out his words, and all it really does is make it hard to read. Also, there's a lot of dissonance between the protagonist's inner thoughts and what he's actually saying - his inner thoughts imply that he's of a right mind, but when he's slurring his words and going 'lady with the weird looking eyes', he's clearly still under the influence of alcohol.

“Because I honestly don’t recognize you as my son, and if your mother was still…” Sir Moore paused, “here she would agree with me.” He avoided looking at his son’s angered face.

I understand not capitalizing 'here' (I would, personally, but I'm not certain whether or not there's a grammatical rule pertaining to it), but you're missing a comma.

There are other mistakes, but I'm not going to read this entire thing (the grammar will sour my perceptions of it, and a genuinely nice story would seem more terrible than it really is to me). I won't rate, but I will leave you with this advice: Get an editor or four.

5449977 well my dear good sir, since you obviously know what you're talking about, why don't you be my editor. Since you took time out of your schedule to critique this story, I should ask you if your interested in the job.
PS. Neon character's swears a lot.

5450891
Me and some friends read the story and this is what one of them thinks...

The reasons why no one wants to read your story is because...

1. OC story with Neon Lights (a fan character that isn't well-known by the fandom anymore).
2. Grammar is atrocious.
3. The prose is as stale as a salty potato chip from the 90's.
4. The description is not even close to something formulative.
5. Can't even properly capitalize titles of chapters properly.
6. Chapter titles and what not are in the fiction.
7. OC is as bland as the prose.

5663948 ouch, that hurts. Is there anything that you guys didn't hate about it.

5664984 Look all i can say is learn from this fic and improve, that's about it. Rome wasn't build in a day so leveling up your writing skills will take time. but Don't give up on writing just learn from mistakes and you will go far.

also sorry about my what i posted what my friend said, he is brutally honest...a lot

Liked Applejack and Zecora characterizations and dialogue in general, but have no idea where are you going with the history. I get that's only beginning and you are just setting the stage, but feels like random things just happening without a clear purpose. The next chapter should have given the history the tone of the fic, with the protagonists finally meeting, but sadly is on hiatus now, so we may never know.

Anyway, I didn't found any of the grammar mistakes the others pointed since I'm not picky about that stuff because it can easily be fixed later with some help.

I was intrigued and curios with the history at the appearance of Chai Tea, and her interactions with Zecora; it seemed like such a strange change in course, so I wanted to know where it was going.

Also, I would have preferred if you had elected to leave a blank line for paragraph spacing, instead of the indented format for easy reading, given that it's an online fic and all, but that's just me.

5733092 first off, thank you for comment commenting on the story in general. I've gotten nothing but complaints about the grammar. As for the randomness, I tag that in the beginning. If you want to see where I was going with this, then I can give you a link on Google documents. I have chapter 4 and the almost finished chapter 5, you don't have to take up my offer if you think it's not worth it in the end.

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