Celebrity Deathmatch: Equestria’s Unknown Pastime

by GWFan

Not So Sweet and Un-elite

Chapter 3: Not So Sweet and Un-elite

“Rarity, the next time you try to call somethin’ on my farm uncouth, I’m gonna remind you of what we just saw today.”

Rarity shuttered. “In that case, Applejack, remind me to remove that word from my vocabulary.”

The locker room was just as smelly as one might expect at a high school. Rarity gargled mouthwash to remove the taste of vomit from her mouth as her friends silently crowded around Fluttershy. The poor pegasus had fainted shortly after the win and only Photo Finish seemed unconcerned. Rainbow Dash fanned Fluttershy with her wings and Angel slowly trickled water over her face.

“Ha, ha! Did you see dat? Our first victory vas glorious!” Photo bragged as two unicorns from the official Deathmatch staff used their magic to heal her.

“Glorious nothin’. You were gettin’ you’re flank whooped till I beaned the guy with an apple,” Applejack retorted.

“Yes, and thank you for dat, but don’t do dat anymore. De audience was sympathizing with him and it made us look bad.”

“I made you look bad!? You just killed a pony!”

Rather than answer, Photo merely flicked her hair and smiled as if it was something to be proud of.

“Uhhhhh…” Fluttershy stirred and opened her eyes.

“You okay, Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked her.

“Wha… what happened?”

“You fainted,” Pinkie told her.

“I had a terrible dream. I dreamt that Photo Finish horribly mutilated a pony right in front of me.”

“Dat was no dream,” Photo said proudly. “Ace Crusher is dead. I slaughtered him in such a gory way dat no description could do it justice.”

Fluttershy stared at Photo for a few seconds and fell over.

“She fainted again,” Pinkie announced.

“She sure has been fainting a lot lately,” Rainbow said with an exasperated frown. “Come on Fluttershy, get up!” With no response from the Deathmatch contestant, Rainbow went right back to fanning her.

“This is horrible. Ain’t there some way we can stop this?” Applejack asked, but nopony answered her and Photo Finish wasn’t even paying attention.

“I can see it now. Photo Finish and Fluttershy de greatest tag team to ever grace Deathmatch.” The two Deathmatch attendants nodded in agreement, but they looked more as if they were laughing at her.

“After watchin’ you fight, I’m even more worried,” Applejack grumbled. Clearly, the photography mogul had no idea how to fight, or maybe it was just the opponent she had tried to take on. “Twilight, maybe if you look over the rules you can find some way to get Fluttershy outta this mess without any of them thar repercussions. Twi? Twi? Are you listenin’?”

Twilight slowly turned from the corner she had been quietly sitting in and stared at her with dried out eyes that hadn’t blinked in the last three minutes. “That didn’t just happen. Tell me that didn’t just happen.”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you kidding? My eyes are never going to be the same again,” Twilight wailed, finally blinking. “How do they get away with this? How does Princess Celestia not known about it? How can Millhouse referee this whole thing?” She fell to sobbing into her hooves.

“Now calm down and try to be rational, Twi.”

Twilight shot up and put her hooves on Applejack’s shoulders. “I am being rational. It’s this whole competition that isn’t.” Twilight buried her face in her hooves again. “You’re right though. I can’t pretend this isn’t real. But I’ll be darned if I can’t do anything to stop this nonsense.”

“That’s what I was askin’ ya. What about the contract?”

Twilight sighed. “I looked over it several times, but it’s airtight. Even illness won’t get Fluttershy out of the tournament.”

“You gotta be kiddin’. What would they do if Fluttershy were in a coma or somethin’?”

“Probably toss her body in the ring and see what happens. These ponies are CRAZY!” With a frustrated harrumph, Twilight dug into her saddlebag and looked over a copy of Fluttershy’s contract for the umpteenth time.

“Ms. Finish?” another voice said from the door. “We have your photos here.”

“Ah! Good, good, let me see dem.” Photo accepted a wrapped package and quickly opened it like a filly on Hearth’s Warming. “Leave me.” The attendants, now finished healing her, left, though they looked rather smug about it. Photo Finish then proceeded to examine the photographs inside with the same studious eye she typically reserved for her fashion shoots. “Crap, crap, excellent, excellent, brilliant, crap, stunning, crap…” She tossed the photos she denoted as ‘crap’ on the ground and continued her examination. Pinkie Pie stooped over the discarded photos and picked one up.

“Ooh, cool. What’s this? It looks like a tunnel made of bubble gum.”

“It’s the photos I took when I made Ace Crusher eat my camera. Crap, crap, stupendous, brilliant…”

“Oh.” Pinkie stared at the picture for a moment and mechanically placed it into a trashcan without blinking. “That is not a good picture at all.”

“See. Crazy. Told ya,” Twilight remarked, not even looking up from the contract.

Finished sorting, Photo held the stack of photographs above her head and smiled. “Yeeeees. Truly some of my best work. I can sell dhese for 100... No! 1000 bits a piece.”

“And to think I ever wanted you to help me shine across Equestria,” Rarity sulked. “Well, now that we know that Deathmatch is most definitely authentic and Photo Finish has clearly lost her mind,” Rarity glared at Photo, but she was too busy laughing at her photographs to even listen, “whatever shall we do about Fluttershy’s predicament? Do you think they will let her back out now?”

Twilight sighed. “I don’t know. I’m working on it.”

“Can you work on it any faster? According to the officials, Fluttershy’s next match will probably be less than two hours away.”

“I’m working on it,” Twilight growled though she couldn’t think of anything specific she could do other than what she was already doing. Despite her efforts though, after another ten minutes of reading, Twilight still could find no plausible solution to their problem outside of Fluttershy suddenly dieing, and that of course was counterproductive.

Fluttershy had finally awoken and Rainbow Dash forbid her to faint again, though Fluttershy came pretty close after Photo Finish tried to share her photographs with her. Afterwards, Photo sat contently, praising herself on her ‘brilliant’ photos while the other six ponies sat down accomplishing nothing, much to their shame.

“This stinks worse than a pig sty. I can’t think of anythin,’” Applejack finally said, throwing her hooves up. “We’ve conquered magical spirits of chaos and bested love-eating shape shifters, and now we’re bein’ stopped by some kind a regulations of illegal activity? How did that happen to us?”

“Cause Fluttershy can’t say no to save her life. Literally,” Rainbow said annoyed, which made Fluttershy stare at the ground in shame. Even Angel looked disappointed with her. “Why’d you do it Fluttershy? You knew what you would have to do, so why?”

“I… I just…” As usual, Fluttershy’s voice was too low to hear clearly, but in the end, it didn’t matter, because an earth pony who pranced in disturbed the relative quite of the locker room just then.

“Photo Finish and Fluttershy, what a name you have made for yourselves. You two did exceptionally well, I’m really surprised. You know, I lost quite a bit of money on that fight.” She wore an expensive looking frilly, red dress and her equally red hair was done up in a beehive. “I really thought Ace Crusher had you. That was quite the stunt you pulled with your camera, Ms. Finish.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’ve met before. Who are you?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, forgive me, where are my manners? I am Priggish Mercedes. My family owns Deathmatch.”

“That sounds like a potential villain’s name if I ever heard one,” Pinkie suddenly spoke up.

Mercedes raised an eyebrow. “What is she prattling on about?”

“Nothing important, I’m sure,” Twilight said, apologetically. “Anyway, I’m Twilight Sparkle, one of Fluttershy’s friends. You said you’re family owns Deathmatch?”

“Grandpapa does to be precise, but one day I will inherit this whole franchise.”

“You call this a franchise?” Twilight muttered under her breath.

Mercedes walked through the smelly locker room as if she were walking through the most beautiful of ballrooms. “Anyway Ms. Finish, I’ll be quite interested to see how you and Fluttershy manage in your next match. I’m certain it will be quite thrilling.”

Rather then say anything, Photo Finish merely hummed an, “Uh huh,” and looked away.

Mercedes giggled. “Still full of yourself I see. This will be interesting indeed.” She made as if to leave, but Twilight stopped her.

“Wait, I’m sorry but I have to ask, how do you get away with this? I mean, I just don’t get how you can possibly hide all this from Princess Celestia.”

“Oh, it’s not really that important,” Mercedes said nonchalantly, waving her hoof dismissively. “You would understand if you had more money. You are poor, right?”

Twilight glared. “Not exactly, but I’m not rich either.”

“That’s a shame. Here you go, hon.” She produced a bag from somewhere and handed it to Twilight. “Four hundred bits. Knock yourself out. Go wild.”

“You’re just giving this to me?”

“My family is very charitable. We’re always giving things away.”

“Does that include death certificates?” Twilight muttered.

“Pardon me but I can hear you muttering,” Priggish replaced her coy enthusiasm with a devilish smile. “I’ve met plenty of ponies like you before. Perhaps you don’t approve of the way we run things here at Deathmatch. Perhaps you don’t like that we’ve turned what essentially is a funeral into a thriving entertainment enjoyed by the masses. Am I right?” Twilight took a step back. She hadn’t expected Priggish to be so forthcoming nor so light of tongue about the truth behind Celebrity Deathmatch. “Based on your reaction, I would say I hit the nail on the head. Well let me tell you something, Twilight Sparkle, this is the second largest gross income business in Equestria, second only to that jerk who’s family invented the wheel. In any case, my point is if you want to shut us down, like so many others before you have tried, it’s not going to be that easy. You’d be surprised what kind of dirty little businesses manage to stay afloat by giving away some bits here and there, and we’re the kings and queens of bits here.”

Twilight was surprised at how close she came to zapping Mercedes where she stood, maybe turn her into a lamp or something, but her conscience got the better of her.

“I’m not here to do anything but support one of my best friends. You’re stupid tournament dragged her into this and I’m going to see her walk out of it.”

Mercedes’ face abruptly changed back to one of coy indifference. “Oh, is that all? I suppose my boys have been feeding me the wrong information about you then.” Twilight paled. “I mean it’s not like we keep tabs on every guest who shows up to the island, perish the thought. That would just be uncouth.”

Abruptly, Applejack stomped her hoof hard enough to crack the floor, and she stood between the two. “Sorry to butt in, but I don’t take kindly to folks who threaten my friends. Besides, you just said a word I didn’t want to hear again.”

Priggish looked around the room and rather calmly examined the faces of three other angry looking mares. Twilight appeared relieved and Fluttershy just seemed worried.

“Well be it by me to offend others. I certainly don’t want to irritate our paying guests. Perhaps we may talk again, assuming your friend survives I suppose. She and Photo Finish have certainly stirred up the interest of the crowd. I wouldn’t want them to fall out of the tournament too soon.”

“Them’s fightin’ words where I come from,” Applejack threatened.

“Please, hon, save it for Deathmatch. If you’re ever famous enough to compete, I might just oblige you and have a match myself.”

At that, Applejack’s anger fell away. “Wha… I would never go that far.”

“Oh right, you’re the just and valiant type aren’t you. Ponies like you never survive past round two.”

Twilight had heard enough. “You know if Millhouse Lane knew you were such a corrupt pony-”

“Millhouse? Please, hon, you already saw him in the ring didn’t you? He’s been on the payroll since before I was born. He knows perfectly well how we operate around here.”

“Millhouse is…” Twilight stared blankly for a moment. “I think I’m going to throw up.” She held her hoof over her mouth and turned green.

“Not in here, missy, I’m a Mercedes. Do it out in the hall with the rest of the feint hearted.”

“Go count your dirty money or something. Leave us be,” Rarity told her while trying to comfort Twilight.

“I assure you, I will. And I’ll enjoy it too.” Priggish flicked her tail and started to leave. “Oh and please have fun while you’re here at Deathmatch,” she said with an honest smile as if their previous conversation had never happened.

“Potential villain. My Pinkie Sense never lies,” Pinkie said as soon as she was gone.

Twilight sulked. “Great. Something else we might have to worry about later. As if things weren’t bad enough.”

“Vat are you talking about? Things are great right now. Look at our great victory,” Photo finally chimed in.

“Maybe in your opinion,” Rarity said angrily. “In any case, I’m surprised Photo Finish. I thought for certain you would brag to her.”

Photo harrumphed. “Yeah.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “If I didn’t know any better I would say you’re already quite acquainted with Ms. Mercedes.”

Photo Finish stared at the door where the young mare had exited and spoke without looking at Rarity. “Met her once before at a photo shoot. Never liked her. She’s always saying things she doesn’t mean, always plotting to get more money out of every deal. Almost swindled me out of thousands of bits too.”

“I believe that,” Applejack muttered.

“She can’t be all bad. She told us to have fun,” Fluttershy put in though it awarded her with a group groan.

“Fluttershy, what are we going to do with you? Don’t you ever see the bad side in ponies?” Rarity asked her.

“Yes, but it doesn’t mean they’re always bad.”

“Someday when I’m an old grey mare, I can only hope to be half as understanding as you.”

“Forget about when we’re old, I’m worried about now. What’s Fluttershy going to do in the next match?” Rainbow asked loudly.

“Eh, she’ll be fine.” Photo Finish started to make her way for the exit.

“Where are you going?”

Photo smiled. “To sell dese pictures at a jacked up price. I, Photo Finish, am going to make thousands.”

Rainbow watched her leave, with stark aw plastered on her face. “Is she for real? She almost got killed in the last mach. What makes her think the next one is going to go any better?”

“An over inflated ego,” Twilight stated flatly. “And by the way, I’m totally out of ideas. The contract is solid.”

“Really? Nothin’ at all?” Applejack pleaded.

“Nothing.”

“Not even the teeniest tiniest little flaw?” Pinkie asked.

Twilight sighed. “Well there is one condition but there’s is no way it will ever happen.”

“Yes, and?” everypony asked at once.

“If Photo Finish suddenly dropped out, Fluttershy would not be punished over it. She wouldn’t be financially crushed or anything like that and would be free to retire from Deathmatch.”

“That sounds perfect. Brilliant, Twilight. I knew we could count on you,” Rarity said, and hugged the other mare close.

Twilight however, lowered her eyes. “Rarity, do you even understand what that means? Not only would Photo Finish never drop out, but we’re actually hoping that her career is destroyed. I know we don’t like her, but I certainly don’t wish anything like that on anypony.”

“Think about what she has done to Fluttershy, Twilight. Think about what she has made her do. If nothing else, then perhaps this will teach her a lesson.”

“Pretty hard lesson there, but I s’pose you got a point. It’s Photo’s fault Fluttershy is in this mess to begin with.” Though Applejack didn’t feel entirely comfortable with it, she had to admit there was little other choice.

“But… but girls…” Fluttershy tried, but as usual, her voice didn’t carry loud enough.

Though it seemed they had come up with a plan, Twilight had her doubts. “And how do you propose we get Photo Finish to drop out? You’ve already seen her pride.”

“Force?” Dash suggested.

“I don’t think that would work very well.”

“Threatening?”

“We’re not the villains in this story.”

“Bribery?”

“What are we going to bribe her with? We’d be asking her to give up everything she has!”

Rainbow Dash thought a moment. “Force?” Twilight facehoofed.

Rarity on the other hoof suddenly smiled. “I see. Then it looks like it’s up to me.”

“Pardon?”

“Let me handle this, Twilight. I’ve dealt with these celebrity types before.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. If I can’t convince Photo Finish to drop out, then nopony can.”

“But…”

“Tut, tut, I know what your thinking and I understand. For Fluttershy’s sake I am prepared to take full responsibility for whatever happens to Photo Finish, financially or otherwise.”

“That’s not really what I… What do you mean?”

“Well…” Rarity bit her lip. “I suppose I could let her stay with me until she gets back on her hooves.”

“Whoa… You would go that far?” Applejack asked.

“Well, I am the element of generosity, am I not?”

Applejack whistled. “Rarity, I take back anythin’ and everythin’ bad I ever said about you. You’re a better pony than I am.”

“You don’t have to say that, Applejack. Although you could take my advice and try to spruce up your appearance every now and then.” Applejack glared. “What? Too much?” Applejack nodded. “Well it was worth a try. Anyway, I’m off. Wish me luck, girls.”

With that, Rarity pranced away to follow Photo Finish.

“This is gonna turn out badly in some ridiculous way, isn’t it,” Applejack said quietly.

“At the rate things are going I wouldn’t be surprised.” Twilight sighed and returned to the contract. It was still just as airtight as the last fifty times she had read it.

Fluttershy sighed. She couldn’t understand why nopony had suggested that she try to drop out. Perhaps it might involve some kind of horrible pain or whatnot from Priggish Mercedes’ “boys,” but at least it would spare any other pony from harm or otherwise financial ruin. Realizing that her friends weren’t paying any attention to her, Fluttershy silently slipped out of the room in search of another alternative. She didn’t even realize when a small bunny followed her.

---

It didn’t take long for Fluttershy to ask around (after five minutes of getting up her courage to talk to some of the staff) before she was directed to a door that read, Chairman. Though her grandfather owned the business, it seemed Priggish Mercedes currently ran most of the affairs of Deathmatch. After quietly knocking, Fluttershy peeked her head inside. Mercedes was inside behind her desk, but facing away from the door. A mug of coffee sat steaming next an expensive looking flower vase. A set of collision balls snapped back and forth on the desk making a continuous clinking sound that was rather unsettling to Fluttershy.

“What is it now? Number 1, did you finally manage to snap a picture of…?” Mercedes turned around, apparently expecting somepony else. “Oh. Fluttershy, it’s you. Please, come in.” Her voice changed to a sweeter tone as she motioned for Fluttershy to sit down in front of her desk. “What brings you here?”

“Well, if it’s all right with you, I was sort of hoping I could drop out…”

Mercedes chuckled to herself. “I’m sorry, what? I don’t think I heard you properly. You want to drop out?” Fluttershy nodded happily. “Listen, hon, that’s not exactly easy. There are consequences to dropping out.”

“I know, but I think it would be best for everypony if I did this. I don’t want Photo Finish to get hurt in the ring.”

“I see.” Priggish turned away from her again and quietly looked at something in her hooves. “Do you know what we do around here, Fluttershy?”

“Um… arrange fights to the death between celebrities?”

“Yes, but do you know what the business side of Deathmatch is about?” Priggish looked at her and Fluttershy shook her head. “To put it frankly, we’re an entertainment business. And entertainment businesses know that in order to stay in business, they have to keep the customers happy. Our customers are the fans and the fans want to see guts and carnage at the expense of their favorite celebrities. We honor that desire by making sure we always have celebrities who are willing to fight, and if their not willing, then we need to make sure they fight anyway.”

“But-”

“It’s not for us, it’s for the fans, you see. You don’t want to let down the fans do you?

“Well no, but I don’t really-”

“Listen, hon, we have rules because what the fans demand, we want to give. You can’t just simply drop out because you want to and neither can your partner.”

“But the contract says-”

“Yes, I know what the contract says, I coauthored it. As such, I think there’s a little something you need to understand about your participation.”

“Should I get Photo Finish to hear this too?”

Priggish appeared briefly annoyed but never lost her smile. “Forget Photo Finish for the moment and let’s focus on you.” Fluttershy pointed at herself, unnecessarily. “Yes you. Fluttershy. Former model, Fluttershy. The most graceful of ponies, Fluttershy. Equestria’s sweetheart, Fluttershy. My boys keep their ears to the walls around this establishment, hon, and your name get’s tossed around a lot. Ponies are curious about you. You left the spotlight so abruptly there was nothing but questions left behind. You’re one of the few celebrities whose career didn’t end in shame or death. In other words, you fell off the boat too soon. I didn’t really think much of Photo Finish entering until she tried to recruit you of all ponies, and I couldn’t have asked for a better choice. We’ve made record sells since your entrance was announced. Nopony knows hardly anything about you but your reputation as the sweetest and most graceful pony in Equestria. You’ve become the pony of the hour, the one everypony wants to see fight. I’ve been doing this for years, fans are free to come and go in their seats and I’ve never seen it more packed than during your match.”

“Um… I’m happy for you and all, but I sort of was hoping we could talk about me not being in the tournament anymore?” Priggish’s smile faded. “If that’s okay with you of course.”

“No. It’s not okay with me.”

Fluttershy lowered her head. “Oh. But it really is rather important and-”

“Fluttershy, honey, I don’t think you understand what I’m saying at all.” Priggish walked out from behind her desk and looked at some photographs she held in one hoof. “You see, hon, you’re a hot commodity. Frankly, I never realized how big your name actually was. Otherwise, I would have invited you to join long ago. Nopony ever thought they would see you in Celebrity Deathmatch. That’s the point I’m trying to get across to you. You’re big news and big news means big money. You can’t leave the tournament.”

“But the contract-”

“The contract doesn’t say anything about this.” She handed Fluttershy the photographs she was holding. They were three pictures, one with Twilight and Applejack buying a book and a bag of apples at the concession stands, another with Rainbow Dash trying to get the autograph of some celebrity Fluttershy didn’t recognize, and the last was of Rarity hiding behind a tree and holding a box of doughnuts.

“Your friends are a long way from home on a trip nopony knows they are on. Who knows what might have happened if they suddenly never came back.” Fluttershy gasped and backed away. “Now do you get it, hon? You can’t leave the tournament.”

Fluttershy stared at Mercedes in stark silence.

“What if I plead really politely?”

Priggish facehoofed. “Fluttershy, you’re not leaving, otherwise your friends aren’t either. Ever. Got it?”

Fluttershy squeaked, trying to say something, anything. Finally, however, she replied quietly, “Got it.” She handed the pictures back to Mercedes but the smirking mare shook her head.

“Oh no, those are for you to keep. Just as a reminder, you know?” Fluttershy whimpered. “Now get out of my office. I have a lot of important things to do.”

Fluttershy opened her mouth as if to say something again, but her eyes fell back on the photographs. She sighed and quietly left.

Groaning in disgust, Priggish picked up her coffee mug and took a long sip. Then she noticed the coat rack that was sitting in her office. “Well, Number 1, do you have any information on that other friend of Fluttershy’s yet?”

Number 1, the changeling, came out of the shadows where he had been impersonating the coat rack, and slowly shook his head. “Sorry, ma’am, but she’s proving to be extremely difficult to follow. It’s almost like she senses that we’re there or something.”

Priggish slammed her coffee mug down. “You get me some intel on that snoopy pink mare or I’m demoting you all the way down to Number 12. She’s even made friends with Millhouse. I won’t have it.”

“Yes ma’am.” Number 1 transformed into a tough looking griffin and dashed out of the room.

Mercedes snarled at her coffee mug. “This is getting to be more trouble than its worth. Who are these friends of hers?” She pushed one of the buttons on her intercom and yelled into it, “Number 26, who are Fluttershy and Photo Finish fighting in their next match?”

The reply came back staticy and somewhat muffled, but Mercedes was able to make it out.

“That’s a horribly boring fight. That team can’t fight for horseberries. I can’t believe they made it past the first round.” Mercedes angrily stared at her collision balls. “I need Fluttershy to fight this time. I can’t have her die without even throwing a punch, but she’ll never…” The collision balls clinked away, back and forth, back and forth, taking turns as to which side started or ended the full motion. Mercedes smiled.

A small bunny hiding in the corner saw it and clinched his tiny fist in anger. He knew Fluttershy was in trouble.

---

Rarity’s hair was slightly out of place in several spots and sweat was beginning to drip down her face, but even as prissy as she was, Rarity took little notice of it. She had been following Photo Finish around for the past hour, but the photography mogul never seemed to stay in one place for very long, nor did she try to listen to anything Rarity was trying to convey to her. It had gotten to the point where Photo Finish had been called back to the locker room because her match was about to start. Rarity hadn’t gotten anything through to her, other than that Photo now considered her to be annoying and a “no nothing.”

“Never,” Photo told her as she walked into the locker room. “I, Photo Finish will never drop out. We are doing too well to stop now.”

“You’ve only won one match, and what does that really mean? You were almost killed.”

“Dat is de point of Deathmatch. Honestly, you’re almost as stupid as Fluttershy.”

“Huh?” Fluttershy turned around from where she was stuffing three photographs into her designated locker.

“Fluttershy, dere you are. I vas afraid you vere going to be late.”

“Um… no. I just got here.”

“Good, den we’re all set.”

Rarity groaned. Convincing Photo Finish to drop out had proven to be a Herculean task. “Photo Finish, I beg you, please don’t make Fluttershy participate in this barbarism any further. Forfeiting isn’t going to ruin your career that much-”

“Photo Finish!” Rarity turned when a strangely familiar voice called out. Rarity’s eyes widened in surprise when she saw him walk into the room. “Looks like you’re up against me in the next round. I hope you’re not too humiliated when I make mincemeat out of your hide.”

“Prince Blueblood! I, Photo Finish, will make you eat those words, and maybe my camera too.”

“I’ll enjoy seeing that if you even get to fight. That little cutie Fluttershy is going to be your downfall. You should have picked a better partner like me.”

“Shut your mouth! Fluttershy is best model to ever grace Equestria. You’ll be surprised what she is capable of.”

“We’ll see.” Blueblood chuckled.

“B-blueblood…,” Rarity uttered.

“Sorry, but I don’t care which side of your flank you’re offering. I’m not giving autographs today.”

“M-m-my what?”

“Oh fine. Just this once for a wild fan. Do you want it on one or both sides?”

“Blueblood!” Rarity raged. “I do not want you’re autograph. Do you remember who I am?”

“Have we met before? I never forget a beautiful face and I don’t remember you. Of course, mine is the most beautiful so everypony remembers me.” Rarity gaped at his blatant insult. “Out of the way, commoner. Beautiful royalty coming through.” He shoved his way past Rarity and pranced out of the locker room.

Rarity stared after him. Then she put her foreleg around Fluttershy. “Consider this the one and only time you will ever here me say this. And it never leaves the room. Promise?” Fluttershy nodded her head slowly, wondering what this was about. Rarity looked around to make sure only the two celebrities were listening before she spoke. “Kick his ass to the moon, Fluttershy. You have my blessing.”

“But he’s royalty. He probably doesn’t even have a donkey.”

“Just tear him a new one.”

“A new what? Does he need something?”

Rarity sighed. “Just bite him or something, okay? For me.”

“But… but Rarity…”

“I’m not asking you to kill him, just hurt him… enough to make him squeal… or so.”

“Um… okay. If you think it’s all right.”

“Don’t worry, it’s more than all right.”

Photo Finish suddenly laughed. “I’m glad dat you are finally getting it. Dat’s a great idea. Blueblood will never know what hit him. Come Fluttershy, we go.”

Fluttershy still appeared skeptical but at least Photo didn’t have to drag her out to the ring this time. In fact, she almost seemed willing to go as if she had finally found some motivation, which didn’t seem like Fluttershy at all, especially given her situation.

After watching them go, Rarity sighed. “I have failed as a friend.” She shook her head, wondering how she had let her emotions get the better of her. “Rarity you dumb pony, what have you made your friend do? How could I have said such a thing?”

Rarity took a moment to silently berate herself before the smell of the locker room became too unbearable. On her way out, she bumped into somepony. “Oh pardon me, I’m so sorry.”

“Rarity?”

Rarity’s heart nearly stopped when she recognized the voice and then the face. “Fancy Pants!?”

“Rarity, how nice to see you here. Come to cheer me on, as they say?”

Rarity stared. “Y-you’re in the tournament?”

“Why yes. I’m partnering with Prince Blueblood. Thanks to you in fact.”

“Moi? However am I to blame for that?”

“Not to blame, my dear, in good relations. When I first met you, you made such an impression at the party in Canterlot Castle that Blueblood happened to introduce himself to me. I had no idea you knew the fair Prince.”

“Rather wish I didn’t…” Rarity said quietly. “Fancy Pants, why in Equestria would you participate in this… event?”

“Well it’s not the first time. Had an exhibition bout some months ago against some country bumpkin who sells the best wheat in Equestria or some such. Oh, and our first match in the tournament was quite the teaser if I do say so myself. Really let them have it.”

“Really…?” Rarity cleared her throat. “So… you’ve had a hoof in… fighting then?”

“More than that my dear. I even pulled the finishing blow.”

Rarity stared. “You’re kidding…”

“Not at all. Gouged his eyes out and smashed him over the head with a croquet mallet. Brilliantly good time.”

“I think I may faint.”

“Sorry you missed it. I was actually going to invite you to the tournament myself, but then I heard you had already come to Canterlot looking for tickets. A pity really. I think you might have a bit of an edge over Blueblood.”

“Wait, wait, wait… you were going to… you wanted me… for this tournament…?”

“Not sure if you would have qualified, though I’m sure they could have squeezed you in. A shame really. Glad you’re here all the same. I wouldn’t want my favorite party guest to miss out on the fun.”

“F-f-f-fun…?”

“Well it’s getting close to match time, so I’d better get out there. Wouldn’t want Blueblood to fight alone after all. I hear we’re going up against Photo Finish and that model that was in all the magazines a year ago. You’ll cheer for me of course, won’t you?”

Rarity mumbled some gibberish, but even she didn’t know what she was trying to say.

“Splendid. Well, I’m off then. I’ll see if I can get you a memento after we win.”

Rarity stared after him, only then remembering what she had told Fluttershy earlier. “Sweet Celestia, there has to be a way to stop this!”

---

Rainbow Dash cocked her head. She watched for almost ten full seconds before she turned away. “Can any of you guys tell what this crazy rabbit is trying to tell me?” Angel glared at her. He had just spent the last ten seconds telling Rainbow Dash everything that had occurred in Priggish Mercedes’s office, through charades of course, but she was just as dense as he always expected ponies to be.

Twilight Sparkle walked over to them and took him in with a bit of surprise. “Oh, Angel. I forgot you were even here. Are you looking for Fluttershy?”

Angel shook his head and started his charades over again. Twilight nodded, occasionally replying with “Uh huh.”

“What’s goin’ on? What’s he sayin’ Twi?” Applejack asked when she saw Angel’s strange gestures.

Twilight looked up and smiled. “He’s saying that he’s hungry.” Angel tripped and face planted on the ground. And Twilight was supposed to be the smart one of the group.

“Well I don’t suppose he likes apples, does he?”

Angel got up and moved on to Pinkie Pie, playing out his charades.

“I love charades. Let’s see, one word? Rabbit! Rabbit, is it rabbit?” Angel stopped and tugged on his ears in frustrations. “Oh it was two words. Rabbit ears. That’s a good one. Now watch me.” Pinkie stood up and did something that resembled building a house. Angel glared at her for a moment and hopped away. Apparently it was up to him to stop all the shenanigans that was going on. And ponies were supposed to be the dominant species of Equestria.

“Where’s he goin’? Does he not like apples?” Applejack asked, watching him leave.

“It was Celestia crossing the Delamare!” Pinkie called after him.

“I have the strangest feeling that he wasn’t trying to tell us he was hungry,” Dash said, being methodical for once. Then she shrugged. “But he’s a bunny. What would he know about these things?”

“Hey.” The ponies looked and saw Rarity approaching them. “Was that Angel I just saw? He looked rather angry. Did something happen?”

“No, he was just hungry. So how did things go with Photo Finish?

Rarity bit her lip. “Well… you see…” Then she wailed. “I’m so sorry and ashamed.”

Twilight sighed. “Well, we weren’t really expecting Photo Finish to drop out anyway.”

“And worst of all, the Canterlot Elite know that I bought tickets for Deathmatch. My position as a pony of elegance and refined taste has been ruined.”

Twilight looked vaguely annoyed but decided it was best just to let Rarity have her moment of self-pity. It wasn’t as if she had come up with any better plans.

Pinkie suddenly bounced in between them all. “Is anypony else hungry? I’m going to get some lunch. Anypony else want some lunch?”

“I do!” Rainbow said, raising her hoof. After a moment, Applejack slowly raised her hoof as well.

“How can you three think of eating at a time like this, especially after what we’ve seen today?” Rarity complained.

“Well… it’s harder to think on an empty stomach,” Twilight said quietly while slowly raising her hoof. She remembered a time that seemed like ages before when she had tried to decide who to give her extra Gala ticket too, all while on an empty stomach. That had been quiet a bit different, but it had still taught her a lesson about eating three meals a day.

Rarity sighed. “Perhaps, but I can’t eat now. My poor tummy is already in enough knots.”

“Suit yourself. I’ll be right back.” Pinkie raced away.

“Well be in our seats,” Twilight called after her. “Fluttershy’s match will probably start soon.”

“Twi, are you sure there’s nothin’ else we can do but watch?” Applejack asked.

“I don’t really know. If we tried to stop the match, we would probably be thrown out. If Fluttershy has to be here, then I at least want to cheer her on.” Then she added quietly, “Even if it is for a bad cause.”

“Twilight’s right. Fluttershy needs a cheering section and who better than her friends. She cheered for me at the Best Young Fliers competition and I’m going to return the favor. Come on!” Rainbow Dash took to the air and raced for the main arena entrance.

“Dash wait! The last match is probably still in… progress.” Rainbow was already inside. Twilight and the others quickly ran inside where Rainbow Dash had her hooves planted firmly on the ground right in front of the door.

She turned around quietly. “That was not cool.”

Twilight gazed around her shoulder and immediately wanted to throw up. In the side of the ring was a pony who was tangled in the ropes, apparently having somehow been strangled with them. Apparently, Rainbow had just witnessed the last moments of whoever that pony was. The cheering in the crowd indicated that the victor had already been announced.

“My gosh…” Rarity uttered. “It’s Proudmane.” Indeed, the loser was the same pony Rarity had indicated when they first arrived on the island. His partner, whoever he was, was silently crying, possibly more upset about losing the tournament than losing his partner. “What a horrible way to… Oh my stars! Sapphire Shores?”

The pony of pop was waving at the crowd as her apparent partner picked up the broken pieces of some sort of stringed instrument.

“I can’t believe that Sapphire Shores is in the tournament. Who is that she’s teamed up with?”

“Hey! I know that beard,” Applejack said, pointing with her hoof. “That’s Yodel-lay-hee-hoo, the famous country music star.”

Twilight watched the two ponies strut out of the arena. “I guess his beard does look like Star Swirl’s.” Twilight shook her head. There were more important things to think about. “This is crazy. Everypony who is anypony is here. At the rate things are going I almost wouldn’t be surprised to see Princess Celestia walk out there.”

“Don’t even talk like that, Sugar-cube. If we start acceptin’ this, it’s all over for our sanity,” Applejack told her.

“I’m not so sure my sanity is in tact as it is.”

“Well as long as I don’t see anymore Photo Finishers, or ponies getting disemboweled or something, I think we’ll be good,” Dash put in.

Rarity held her stomach. “Please, I don’t know how much more my stomach can take today.”

“I got burritos!” Pinkie Pie announced, holding out an enormous tortilla that gushed with brown beans.

Rarity squeezed her stomach as Twilight silently accepted one. “Where did you get these from? You were only gone two minutes.”

“From the burrito stand.”

Twilight looked down at the ring where a small cart that apparently was selling burritos was situated. It hadn’t been there during the first round and was the oddest looking stand she had ever seen. It was decked out with all kinds of drab and otherwise unpleasant colors and even sported a knifepoint on top of the colorful umbrella. “Never mind, I’ve lost my appetite.” She handed the burrito to Rainbow Dash who started munching on it right away.

“Any food if it helps me forget what I just saw.” Dash stuffed the whole thing in her mouth and practically swallowed it.

“You’re doing this on purpose just because you know my stomach is queasy right now,” Rarity wailed.

“Hey!” Pinkie Pie shouted, partially pounding Dash on the back and almost making her choke. “Fluttershy’s match is starting!”

---

“Well folks, Round 1 was filled with thrills, spills, and most of all, improbable deaths,” Johnny Gomez announced.

“We’ve seen the best of the best go up against the worst of the worst and then some, and already we’ve cut our teams in half, some of them quite literally.”

“But now begins Round 2, where our first match participants have already entered the ring. In the blue corner, we have Photo Finish and Fluttershy!” As Johnny finished announcing the two, the crowd cheered.

Nick waited for the cheers to die down a little before making his own announcement. “And in the red corner, their opponents, Prince Blueblood and Fancy Pants!” Some of the crowd cheered. “I never get to announce the popular ones.”

“Maybe next time, Nick.”

Down in the ring, Photo Finish psyched herself up while Fluttershy just wanted to lie down. Millhouse was apparently talking to someone on the microphone attached to his ear, so the match wasn’t starting yet.

Finished pumping herself up, Photo Finish gave Fluttershy her usual pep talk. “This is going to be a synch, Fluttershy. Same ting as last time, I’ll go in first and then you finish him off.”

“But not with a song,” Fluttershy said downheartedly.

“Yeeeees. Now you’re getting it.” Photo happily started to squeeze in between the ropes, but Millhouse suddenly stopped them.

“Hold up there, Photo Finish. It’s Fluttershy’s turn to start in the ring.”

“Huh? Me?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“What’s de meaning of dis? Where does it say dat in de rules?” Photo demanded.

Millhouse held his hooves up for silence though there was little need. All eyes were already on him. “A new rule was just passed down from the Chairman. From here on out, team members will switch starters in every match. As such, because Photo Finish and Fancy Pants started in the first round, Fluttershy and Prince Blueblood must start in this round. And no tagging out until the match has been going on for at least fifteen seconds.”

“I… have to start…?” Fluttershy looked as if she were about to faint.

“I protest. I don’t want to get my hooves dirty so early,” Blueblood complained.

“Those are the new rules, or do you really want to take it up with the Chairman?” Millhouse pointed to a box seat on the west side of the ring. Priggish Mercedes waved and a medium sized dragon behind her flashed a smile.

“I’m good.” Blueblood waved back.

“Okay… new plan!” Photo Finish held her hoof up. “You go in first and then I, Photo Finish, will finish him off.”

“That’s not a plan,” Fluttershy complained.

“Vhat’s so wrong about it? It’s fool proof.”

Fluttershy stared. “You don’t have any idea what you’re doing, do you?”

“Vhat are you talking about? I plan to win.” Fluttershy shivered.

“Hey, come on. We have to get this thing started. We have to finish this round today,” Millhouse said, pointing at his watch. Fluttershy gulped and silently walked into the ring opposite Blueblood. “All right you knuckleheads, I want a good clean fight. All spilt blood is to be directed away from my dry-cleaned shirt. Now let’s get it on!” The bell rang and the fight began.

Fluttershy stood there. Blueblood stood there.

“I said let’s get it on!”

Blueblood cleared his throat and acted as if he had been standing there intentionally. “Come on. Are you going to do something? I dare you.” He threw out his chest and patted it with one hoof.

Fluttershy gulped again and thought about it. “Well, if you say it’s all right. Rarity did give me her blessing.”

“Rarity? Why does that name sound familiar? Ooooowwwwwwwwcccchh!”

“Look at that, Johnny! Fluttershy actually bit Blueblood.”

“Not bit, Nick. She’s still biting him, right in the leg. And it looks like Blueblood is too shocked to retaliate.”

Abruptly, Millhouse jumped in between them and pried Fluttershy off. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Illegal move. That’s your first warning Fluttershy. I’m not going to have biting in my ring.”

“What!?” Rarity screamed from the audience. “You let ponies shove cameras down each other’s throats and ram railroad spikes in their heads, but you don’t allow biting!? You reek, ref!”

“Can it, missy, or you’ll be in this ring next.”

“Oh ho! You’d like that wouldn’t you!?”

“Rarity!” Twilight shouted. “What are you doing?”

Rarity blushed and sheepishly sat down. “Sorry, darling. I was in the moment as it were.”

“When the heck did somepony shove a railroad spike into some other ponies head?” Rainbow quietly asked Applejack.

“No idea.”

Back in the ring, Blueblood sobbed and retreated to his corner. “She bit me! She bit my beautiful hoof. She might have even ruined my hoofacureand given me rabies.”

“I see.” Fancy Pants seemed rather confused by the prince’s complaint. “It’s been more than fifteen seconds. Shall we switch then?”

“Yes,” Blueblood wailed and held his hoof out. Fancy Pants tagged it, causing the prince to squirm and yelp, “Ouchie,” in reply.

“And Fancy Pants has tagged in, Johnny. What a pathetic performance by the prince.”

“I dread the day he ever rules Equestria, Nick.”

“Shut up! I’ll have you punished for those remarks!” Blueblood shouted at them.

“Good thing we’re all the way up here and under the payroll of Deathmatch, eh Johnny.”

“That’s right, Nick.”

Blueblood appeared both hurt and sour, but no one in the audience really cared. There was a much more important fight about to start in the ring.

Fluttershy gulped yet again, realizing that she was going to have to fight for once. She looked back at Photo Finish but she waved her hoof, signaling Fluttershy to stay in there. The yellow pegasus slowly turned back to her new opponent.

Fancy Pants approached the quivering Fluttershy with an air of confidence, but at the same time, a hint of confusion. “I say, ever since this match started I have the distinct feeling that I’ve seen you somewhere outside the magazines. Have we met before?”

“Well… there was the garden party…,” she said softly.

“Garden party…?” Almost immediately, his eyes lit up. “That’s it! Oh, where is my head and my manners? How could I forget? Fluttershy. You are the same Fluttershy I met at the garden party. Rarity’s friend, right?” Fluttershy nodded. “I must be blind. I had no idea that you were the same mare. Rarity always does know the most important ponies.”

“I’m not really important or anything. I didn’t even want to be a model truthfully.”

“You don’t say. Fascinating. A career forced upon you by your parents, I would guess.”

“No.” Fluttershy looked back at her partner. “Somepony else.”

“Hey!” Millhouse interrupted. “This isn’t a social event, it’s a fight to the death. We still have plenty of other fights to get to, so chat on your own time. Now let’s get it on already!”

“But she’s a friend of my favorite party guest. I can’t possibly harm her.”

“And I never wanted to fight in the first place,” Fluttershy whined.

“Of all the…” Prince Blueblood stomped on the ground. “Get on with it!”

“Fluttershy, hurry up and kick dat aristocrat’s block off!” Photo commanded.

“I refuse to fight,” Fancy Pants answered.

“Me too,” Fluttershy said with surprising conviction.

“This is a tournament. We can’t end in a draw. There has to be a winner,” Millhouse argued.

“Well in that case, I forfeit,” Fancy Pants said.

“What!? No!” Blueblood yelled, holding his hoof out. “We don’t forfeit! Tag me in!”

“You can’t forfeit either,” Millhouse continued. “You two signed a contract to give our audience a fight and that’s exactly what you have to give them.” Both Fancy Pants and Fluttershy shook their heads.

“I can’t believe this, Johnny. This hasn’t happened in a long time.”

“Very true, Nick, but you know what this means.” The crowd suddenly cheered.

“What’s going on?” Twilight worried.

“Sorry kiddies, but nopony can leave this ring till somepony kills somepony. This just means we’ll have to bring out the incentive.” Millhouse pulled out a tiny remote from his shirt pocket.

“Incentive?” the two combatants asked at the same time. Millhouse pressed the sole button on the remote and a strange sound erupted from the ceiling. Everypony looked up.

“What is that?” Rarity asked.

“I don’t like the look of that there doohickey.” Applejack cringed.

Abruptly, several ponies with cattle prods (why would that exist in Equestria?) rushed out and surrounded the ring.

“Nopony leaves till somepony get’s killed. If you don’t fight, then that will make sure someone dies,” Millhouse said with conviction. As the light rigging above them separated and moved out of the way, a giant fan blade swirled at the speed of a helicopter and slowly descended downwards.

“There it is, Nick! The Fan of Fandemonium! We haven’t seen this thing in action since our very first season.”

“Didn’t it break last time?” Nick asked.

“Oh, right. They couldn’t turn it off and the winner of the match… oh right… Oh well. If you folks wanted to see some blood, I can pretty much guarantee it at this point. Those razor sharp blades are going to lower until we have a winner.”

“The bottom line, Johnny, if somepony doesn’t win, everypony loses.”

“Everypony but the crowd and whoever dies last that is.”

Fluttershy shrieked and tried to gallop out of the ring, but one of the ponies with the cattle prods stopped her.

“Sorry, Fluttershy, but the only way out is either to win or tag out,” Millhouse informed her as he slipped out of the ring himself.

“Don’t tag me in!” Blueblood shouted, jumping down to the ground.

Fancy Pants looked up at the swirling blade of doom and scratched his chin. “Well… this is quite the predicament we’ve gotten ourselves into. I’m beginning to rethink my standing on this whole Celebrity Deathmatch thing. I don’t think I shall be returning any time soon.”

Fluttershy ran around the ring looking for a way out, but the ponies with cattle prods were all around them, and she was too terrified to fly. She finally stopped, stared at the fan, and cringed, covering her head and cowering on the floor. Fancy Pants continued to look up at it.

“I don’t believe this, Johnny. Fluttershy and Fancy Pants are still not fighting each other. That kind of resolve is almost inspiring.”

“Inspiring only if you don’t enjoy the main point of Deathmatch, Nick. If they don’t make a move soon, then this will be the first match in Deathmatch history decided with no willing participants. It could come down to a call from Millhouse.”

“But can their partners take that kind of chance, Johnny?”

“Oh fine! If you’re not going to do it!” Photo shouted and extended her hoof. “Tag me in, Fluttershy! I’ll finish him off right now!”

Fluttershy looked between her and the giant fan, tears clearly flowing down her face. “I… I can’t!”

“Vhat? Vhat do you mean you can’t?”

“I just can’t!” Fluttershy didn’t budge, staying directly in the middle of the ring next to Fancy Pants who was still watching the fan blades. The tall unicorn suddenly smiled.

“I say, Fluttershy, I think I’ve figured a way out of this problem.” Fluttershy looked at him with a face that was hopeful, but also showed that she thought he was crazy.

Fancy Pant’s horn lit up and he aimed at the fan.

“What is he doing, Johnny?”

“I think Fancy Pants is trying to stop the fan with his unicorn magic.”

Indeed, Fancy Pants licked his lips as he tried to find some kind of off switch for the fan. All eyes stayed on him as he continued to work and the fan grew ever closer. It was already too low for Fluttershy to safely fly away even if she had the courage too. For almost a full minute, he tried and it was as if the whole audience was holding their breath. Pinkie Pie actually fell over from holding hers too long.

“For nothing actually going on, Nick, I have to say, this is quite intense.”

“I’m sweating like a pig in the middle of timber wolves, Johnny.”

Fancy Pant’s attempt to turn it off didn’t seem to be working. However, he was making the whole thing shake from side to side. “Uh… I think maybe…” Fancy Pants jerked the fan even harder than his previous attempts and abruptly the fan rocked to one side and fell. Rather than falling straight onto the ring, it flew directly into the red corner. Blueblood screamed like a filly as it fell right on top of him. In an instant, he was no more. “Oopsy…” Fancy Pants uttered, staring at the carnage.

Oopsy indeed. Not only had the fan fallen on the not so fair prince, but it had fallen on a portion of the stands too, taking out a number of the audience. As it happened, the pony sitting right next to Twilight Sparkle was chopped up in the blade, leaving the unicorn cringing as visions of her life flashed before her eyes. She barely registered the blood that splattered over her, or the fact that she would have died had she been sitting even half a foot closer to that side. She did faint however, as her friends tried to keep their lunch down.

“Huh… wasn’t expecting that,” Millhouse said rather calmly. “Well… getting killed by your own teammate counts I guess, so… Fluttershy and Photo Finish are the winners!”

The bell rang and everypony in the audience, who wasn’t dead, cheered.

“This is the! Grossest! Possible! Thing!” Rarity cried and then vomited for the second time that day.

Comments

[Shadow Scryer]

Heheheh. This is the third story that's had a Blueblood-butchering/bashing/posessing update in as many days. Couldn't think of another work beginning with B unfortunately.

However, it's good to know you're continuing with this. Was beginning to think it died.

[Maralagidyne]

Fluttershy could've totally taken Fancy Pants.

[GWFan]

1013272

Yeah, not sure quite what happened there. I lost touch with the fic for a while and just suddenly found some motivation again. Probably won't see the next chapter until sometme in September though. National Pony Writing Month calls!

[Mad Hatter]

I know writer fiat falls squarely into place here, but biting? That's been seen in CDM before, and kinda breaks the "No other rules" part.

Edit: Watched some old CDM, that's where you got it from. Ruleset pre-Ozzy victory.

Oh well. *Waits for the inevitable Mareilyn Manson song*

[Final Fantasy BRN]

I have to admit I had trouble visualizing Rarity spewing.

[Linkonpark100]

I'm actually glad Fancy Pants is still alive. He's probably better than most rich ponies in Canterlot.