• Member Since 9th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

BioniclesaurKing4t2


I'm an MLP/Sci-Fi crossover writer. 'Nuff said. My stories seek to answer but these three, simple questions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC5QT6CWiSM

E

“You are in Ponyville. We want information. You...are Number Six.”

One minute, Twilight is trying to back out of her way of life. The next, she finds herself thrown out of it. Twilight awakens to find herself in a mysterious town that is nice, quiet, and peaceful. Too peaceful. How has she ended up here? And just where and what is “here”? Ponyville, a town next to a dark forest and bordered by mist both beside and above, and populated by ponies with numbers instead of names. Twilight must figure out what information is sought by the ever-present, ever-changing Number Two and keep it from them as she desperately tries to find a way out of the town called Ponyville. She is not a number. She is a free mare!
But...why did she want out in the first place?

(MLP does The Prisoner (1967 TV series). Not necessarily at Adventure levels, but probably well beyond Slice of Life; there doesn't seem to be a tag that accurately represents this type of story. Suggestions?)

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 11 )

Up the irons. \m/

I'm going to read this out of pure curiosity: how do you take a song and turn it into a story?


Oh... I so desperately wanted this to be good!

This chapter has one-thousand fifty-five words in it, including the title. A total of zero words were used in dialogue. I'm sure it was descriptive and thematic - a comparison that's even more forced by the awkward cut-in title cards - but I was expecting something a little less...beige.

Sometimes, I feel it's appropriate to describe the voice in my head that reads the story. In my day-to-day life, I often default to a 'Mr. Watson'-esque voice, complete with mildly long sentences and just a dab of Oxford propriety. (A misnomer, considering I don't know what 'propriety' entails. It's probably more along the lines of Herman Melville's 'bumpkin dandy'.)

This story, insofar as I've managed, was relayed to me by a rather uninterested college professor, with a droning monotone that was completely void of character or emotion. Try imagining the least engaging person you can conceive, then have them speak in the most bland of descriptive sentences.

It's a shame, too. I don't know many Maiden fans that also enjoy ponies. I know of only one other metal fan on-site, through a story that's fallen out of popular recollection years ago.

My advice: don't write about the character's experiences. It's easiest to step into one character's shoes. Experience his or her adventure the way you want others to experience it! Feel the ground tremble with each thunderclap; spy the glinting minarets of Canterlot Castle, and perhaps remark on how it always seems a few shades brighter than the rest of the city.

Also, dialogue. I've never read a story whose cast consisted exclusively of mimes (now that I'm thinking about it, the idea is a novel one). Don't be afraid to use it as plot propellant.

Also, pro-tip; don't write while listening to music. I don't know if you did so here, but I have never had good results. Then again, it could just be me. Try it both ways, stick with what works better.


Overall, it's not a story I'd recommend. The reference is only click-bait at this point. The wording and sentence structure leave much to be desired, and it's as engaging as a sock-puppet. There's potential, sure, but every story has potential.

6243021 Then it's a good thing that this is only the introduction. I'd hope the Iron Maiden thing is just a running joke, because this is about the '60s show "The Prisoner" about a spy sent to a utopian village that's trying to pick his mind for secret information. This chapter (and its style) is only meant to parallel the opening credits scene, it'll be an actual story from here on out. The rotation's taken a while to get back to it, but it's currently priority #2 on my collection of "spinning plates", as you would say.

6243286 Oh. Sorry, I genuinely thought this had something to do with Iron Maiden. :twilightblush:

Even so, that doesn't really address my main criticism. It also adds a new concern: why in God's name did you think to put the opening credits scene into words? Did the introduction add anything to your enjoyment of the show? If not, then why put it here, and why start with it?

6244448
Actually, yes. For "The Prisoner", the intro credit scene actually was the opening of the first episode that introduced the story, continuing unbroken into the episode itself. Each following episode had a slightly shortened version that was followed by a speech between the main character and the "new" leader of the Village, featuring a different guest star every episode, before that episode's story began. It's actually a rather famous dialogue, you should look it up.

6244555

Actually, yes. For "The Prisoner", the intro credit scene actually was the opening of the first episode that introduced the story, continuing unbroken into the episode itself.

I think you missed something. :twilightsheepish:

I'm not going to bother with additional comments, since I'm clearly out of my depth, and I feel that I've worn out my welcome. I would suggest trimming the intro a bit, once you have more content to pad it with. Even should the story appeal mostly to a certain demographic, that's no reason to exclude everyone else.

To give an example: this was my first exposure to "The Prisoner", 80's metal notwithstanding. Even after your generous explanation, and given my ignorance of the show, I'm still left holding three possible hypothesis: (1) It's not something I would be interested in anyway; (2) your writing didn't do the show justice; or (3) the show wasn't good to begin with.

I plan to watch it now, to try and garner some appreciation of this story and to clear up a few sketchy hypothesis, but I don't feel a familiarity with (what is now) an ambiguous show from the 60's should be a requisite to enjoying this piece of fan-fiction.


I know it's non-sequitur, but have you ever heard of Mobile Suit Gundam?

6246292

I know it's non-sequitur, but have you ever heard of Mobile Suit Gundam?

I know the Gundam franchise is about giant robot suits fighting, but I don't know it beyond that.

6246362

I know the Gundam franchise is about giant robot suits fighting, but I don't know it beyond that.

Pretty much, but it's more nuanced. It isn't a 70's, Japanese version of Transformers: there are people in the robots.

Nice intro. I'd like to read more, to be honest.
Be seeing you!

I have the series on DVD, but I haven't watched the show in years... Liked and tracking.

Be seeing you!

Well now, Miss Sparkle...Let the games...BEGIN.

“I’m not a number!” Twilight shouted back. “I’m a free mare!”

Not anymore, you're not!

Also, personal theory, subject to change but...Number one is DISCORD!

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