• Member Since 31st Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 14th, 2015

Door Matt

Who's up for a nice game of Cards? Anyone?



When Maud Pie officially endorses the latest party game to hit Equestria, Pinkie can't wait to share it with her friends.

For all the wrong reasons, it's a game they won't soon forget.

The trendsetter so controversial, 60% of FimFic's mods ruthlessly crushed the subsequent bandwagon!

Stuff said about CAE:
"I never knew I wanted this until now!" - Xomniac
"Despite your vileness, I can't stop laughing at this fic!" - Professor Tactitus
"Illuminati confirmed." - AlesFlamas
"So weird, I reviewed it twice!" - John Perry

Rated Teen, but brace yourselves for some rather 'near-the-knuckle' humour and strong-ish sexual references. Oh my.

Edited by Kolth

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 735 )

What is near-the-knuckle humor?

Oh man. I wasn't expecting anyone to make a good CAH fic, but you pulled it off.

This has to be the best story in the WORLD! You sir are a GENUIS!

Omg good memories, and good laughs.

And then this popped up. :rainbowlaugh: You sir, are a genius. I caught all of it XD

Now, would anyone like to modify those cards and print them out? I WOULD BUY.

... black ponies tho :rainbowlaugh:


please don't disapoint me, I've been looking for a good CaH fic

Oh my gosh, yes! That was hilarious. I lol-ed at the black ponies joke a bit too hard! xD

Azumarill-approved ? Count me in!

Must keep track of this one! :rainbowlaugh:

I think my favorite of the real cards against humanity is ether: "Cock-tamus Prime and the laser guided dildo rockets", or "Cockulus-Maxamus, the marvelous tally whacker of chipotle."

Well that's an easy favorite to track... :pinkiehappy:


I can't wait. I love this game so much! :pinkiehappy:

I was skeptical about this... NOW IMMA GO WATCH PEWDS PLAY IT YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, that's a pretty good response so far!

Basically humour that toes the line between funny and mildly offensive. Really depends on individual tastes.

I couldn't believe no-one had written one before. Still strange to think I'm the first.

A genius? Pffft. Just a really good concept is all, and there's plenty of writers out there who could do it better than me I think.
That said, this was actually the boring part. It's the next one which has all the interesting cards! Will either be up tonight or tomorrow.

“Why am I sticky?”

If somepony has the card "a big, black dick", play it now :rainbowlaugh:

My favorite game...and Ponies...would you settle for my soul? Or would you prefer my firstborn? I'm ready and willing to bargain for this to continue. That said, excellent opening and I'm ready for more!!

Well done, and thanks for this gem of a fic!


Though art one with thine Dick Jokes, me thinks. That said, transformers 2's ball joke needs to be in there somewhere.

“Not to the bakery. The Cakes are trying to get Patty and Pound to settle in earlier,

I'm pretty sure it's Pumpkin and Pound Cake.

But if I didn't follow this story, I should probably get raped by Mecha Hitler or something. :twistnerd:

5222550 Or maybe it's the bigger, blacker dick? :trollestia:

I think "long thick wood" would go well there

5222305 btw make sure to offend every single social class ever, as well as more racist and "immature" jokes

The only thing I really hate about CAH is when a black card comes up that a white card you played the previous turn would have been perfect for.

Example: "Puberty" would have been perfect for Pinkie's black card. (Though it works well for so, so many black cards.)

Fixed! Silly me for using her original name. :twilightsheepish:

That second one...oh man...cracked me up proper.

Trust me, the cards to come truly define the meaning of 'tasteless'.

Believe it or not, the answers I've used for that card make "puberty" look tame by comparison. :trollestia:

5222718 No... It's the biggest, blackest dick!

I laugh every time I hear ether of those.

5222953 contents of fluttershys sheds would have been better I think as what it makes you think of

I never knew I wanted this until now! Followed!

“Why does everyone hate me?”

Flash Sentry

Because you challenge the dynamics of the show, and your a terrible excuse for a pony.

I kind of glossed over that because I don't really care for the Pony.MOV series outside the first one.

Most accurate comment yet.

this is AMASING I was looking for a fic like this and my god did this deliver :rainbowlaugh:

Cards Against Equiniti is distributed by Doctor Disco

Gee, i wonder who that could possibly be...

Maybe Sunset Shimmer having revenge at last! Or Chrysalis playing a prank! Maybe Tirek grew a sense of humor! Maybe Flash Sentry grew a personality!

Of course, there's also... nah, couldn't be that straitlaced chap Discord! :raritywink:

5223784 Because he makes Jar Jar Binks look like a well-rounded and relevant character by comparison.

Dear Princess Celestia,

How can I get a hold of...*blank*


This game seems to be rather like Mad Libs, but with pre-made answers.

I tend to like being able to fill in my own blanks!


That sounded dirty.


It actually almost was, but 6000 words or so is a wee bit long for a one-shot imo.

This is amazing and should keep going for as long as feasibly possible.

Yuuuuus. *cackles gleefully* I can't wait to see the reactions as the game continues. And then they'll wish they'd brought the alcohol. XD

Jar-jar was relevant as a transition character. To get them to the gungon city, so they could go to nabu. Why couldn't they have left him there? He was not needed, other than as a gigantic distraction, for the rest of the movie.

Color me intrigued, good sir/madam. Have yourself an upvote and a favorite.


It's not bad, but I'm not sure it's good, either. Regardless, I'll be tracking this to see how it turns out.

Damn straight it's gonna get worse from here. All of the innuendoes and pervy jokes!!!

I've played this game before, I think I know what to expect, but I'm open to surprises :rainbowwild:

5225002 I agree, I was a spectator to a game of it back in Highschool and dang was it funny. Oh man, some of the stuff just made me laugh like crazy. Also, I have a horrible sense of dark and dry humor.

I actually own the game and all the extra packs, and let me tell you... there are fewer things in the world that are funnier then when you are playing this game with your friends, and some of them are either drunk... or in one case high! :rainbowlaugh:

This could be very interesting. Let us see where it goes.

Are you taking suggestions?

Please hurry and write more but don't hurry so much that your quality drops.
This is fun

Fuckin' Christ, can't wait to read more!

"Why am I sticky?" Oh lordy. I remember winning a round of CAH with that black card. My answer was "Wifely duties". That got EVERYONE who was playing to laugh. Man I miss playing CAH.

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