Alone ( You Are Not Alone )

sallutus

sallutus #1 · Oct 18th, 2014 · · ·

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Very good but needs a small more at the end.

Foals Errand

Foals Errand #2 · Oct 18th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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Very sweet a lovely Twilestia.

corvipony

corvipony #3 · Oct 19th, 2014 · · ·

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The ending was left vague and up to interpretation...might do a sequel at some point.

soumaxer

soumaxer #4 · Oct 19th, 2014 · · ·

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You diserve a fave, a like and a follow I can't wait to see more of your content

JLB

JLB #5 · Oct 19th, 2014 · · ·

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The extra spaces and overall pacing make this feel very torn, difficult to read. Would do with a proofread. Not to say that the substance of the story itself is very gripping - then again, it's hard to see in light of how hard it is to read.

corvipony

corvipony #6 · Oct 19th, 2014 · · ·

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5158657 not sure what you mean by extra spaces ?

JLB

JLB #7 · Oct 19th, 2014 · · ·

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5158670 You occasionally have two spaces instead of one. And the sentences just feel... disconnected, overall.

JairBear

JairBear #8 · Oct 19th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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potential abuse of power.The list

Needs space.

once she joined the ranks of herself ,her sister

Space on wrong side of comma

bring her coffee. he had already eaten breakfast

Missing "S"

Being reminded of Celestia always led to thoughts like this ,thoughts of how her early admiration of her teacher had turned into something more intense but it was always dismissed by Twilight as something impossible,no way would Celestia be able to love a simple looking mare like her,even if she prefered mares at all, and and that wasnt even getting into Twilight’s faults, her obsessive compulsiveness, her anxiety, her need to be correct, faults,so glaring that she had convinced herself that she would be no one’s love.

First comma, space in the wrong place. Next two and last need spaces. And that whole thing is one sentence; it should probably have at least a semicolon, maybe at "something impossible" but full stop there probably better and a colon before the list of faults.

The next paragraph has more punctuation and space issues; some have too much, some don't have any. Well that's true of the rest of the story so I won't fill space pointing out each. A few paragraphs also need an additional blank line between them to match the rest of the formatting.

Sorry if it seems I'm being over critical; I enjoyed the story but I thought I should point these out because of JLB's comment (although I don't notice extra spaces very easily).

corvipony

corvipony #9 · Oct 19th, 2014 · · ·

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5158921 Check it again, made some edits to it with the help of a friend who looked it over for me

Isumo1489

Isumo1489 #10 · Oct 20th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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Nice fic...though I think I speak for anyone who reads these types of stories that we'd like to see what comes next. Or at least, so far as their first proper reunion after. I know, might be a bit much, but then, that's the kind of payoff myself and a few others like me love.

Regardless, good fic and wonderful premise. Best of luck!

corvipony

corvipony #11 · Oct 20th, 2014 · 3 · ·

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5162247 thinking of writing another chapter but I have to get the right...feeling before I can !

Feenkatze

Feenkatze #12 · Dec 22nd, 2014 · 4 · ·

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Okay, we have a pretty standard situation here; Celestia and Twilight are kinda in love with each other, but they don't know that about each other and don't dare saying anything either. Which is not good or bad as it is.
Then Luna sends Twilight a letter "hey she's totally into you", which is one unsatisfying way to resolve that conflict. And what happens when Celestia reads her reply, the random loveletter from her pupil - for her it's random since she doesn't know what Luna did - she just smiles and goes on as if nothing had happened. That's her reaction? Shouldn't she be, like, more emotional than that? I'm not convinced of that ending.

So overall, this could use some work to make it more interesting. What if Celestia had written a letter to Twilight, worried about how she's doing since she never wrote, and Twilight's reply is this one, hoping but not knowing that Celestia does feel the same way? Or Luna sending something less obvious, something about her sister being worried, and Twilight replying in the same way? And then maybe Celestia isn't sure how Twilight means what she says, but is full of hope? Something like that would be what I'd consider at least.

I don't want to be harsh, the story isn't downright terrible, and it's still your first one, but there's a lot of room for improvement, so I hope this helps you somehow for the future.

corvipony