A long lost artifact called the Blue Diamond had found itself in the hooves of Hooven Stone, the boss of the North Manehatten Mafia. One particular pony wants the diamond, and she wants it bad. For what reason? Nopony knows. She has a plan, and she will not hesitate to involve the law if she needs to.
Meanwhile, Minuette, a young ambitious mare from the police force, captain of the CEIB reserve team and negotiator, have inadvertently crossed paths with this mysterious pony, or did she? Meanwhile, her air-headed chief continues to question her motives. Minuette will be pulled into her plans. Driven by curiosity and determination, she will have to choose between aiding a possible criminal or abiding by her morals, and take her in.
The Blue Diamond holds immense value and the Mafia will not allow it to fall into the hooves of another pony, let alone the law.
The game of three days and the battle between three sides have begun, and only one will emerge victorious. Will Minuette be too blinded by admiration and virtues to see the bigger picture? Or will she really understand the true motive behind all this?
Only time will tell.
This story takes place in the metropolitan city of Manehatten where modern technology exist.
Focused solely on background ponies and OCs.
Cover art by BlazedSilver.
I always enjoy an action prologue that takes the chance to explore its characters. Minuette is given her spotlight here.
Starting with the pacing, the tension is kept strong through the negotiations and the climax. Dialogue is terse; descriptions are kept to the bare minimum. Characters are introduced quickly with their thoughts on full display. Normally, I dislike when an author tells me how their characters feel, but in this case, there was good reason to get their thoughts through as fast as possible.
The whole scene really does feel like a high-risk hostage situation that lasted only a handful of minutes!
However, the scene has rather shallow detail. Once again, the descriptions had to be short for the sake of pacing, but whenever there was a chance to describe the events unfolding in the story richly - such as the moment Minuette used her sleuth magic - you never seized it.
Not everything has to be explicitly stated; the changes in tension and atmosphere could have been expanded upon if they were given more implicit description. Instead of stating directly how she was putting away her professionalism, Minuette could have narrated her steadily rising temper or disregard for standard procedures. The reader would know by that point of her turn away from professionalism, so that presents an opportunity to fill the spaces with some vivid detail, flesh out her character more, or push the tension of the scene to its limits.
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Thanks for the feedback! What you said made a lot of sense and I understand what you meant. I agree that the descriptive side of the scene is a little 'lacking'. I will try to hone on that aspect and improve on it. Thanks!
It is rather nice how you went about setting up the heist/climax.
All the key pieces have been set in place, and more than a few characters with ambiguous motives have been brought in.
I hope to see how they all come together.
Unfortunately, scenes cannot interweave instantaneously like in the movies, and the results are seen when you try to make quick cuts from one to another.
The quick turn away from Amethyst's perspective to the police threw me off and broke immersion rather badly. There are ways of making the quick transition without too much word fluff, though. You could have devoted just one or two sentences to re-establishing the scene, either by describing the characters who are now in our lens or by introducing a new setting with some sort of catalyst.
However, that said, the atmosphere still holds. If you manage to repair some of these jarring transitions, then the atmosphere/mood would be much stronger and provide more for the thriller entertainment you are seeking to share.
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When I re-read that part, I'll have to admit it was a little weird and choppy in terms of pacing-wise. That was before you commented on this part. I edit my own stories so there's some parts I may not know how to change. I found it quite hard to jump from Amethyst's perspective to the part when Minuette was speaking to the security guard on duty. I tried to connect those two parts with a conversation on the phone, but it was really abrupt in my opinion. Thanks for the feedback though, I'll try and improve that section.
The moment I saw Roseluck's name, I had one fear in mind: "Oh no, this is going to be a romance chapter."
I was right, but I was also wrong. This chapter was beautifully written, a breath of reprieve so different from the previous action that I thought I was reading an entirely separate fiction! It always makes me happy to see an author who is capable of recognizing when a cool down scene is necessary and who can write it into the story without destroying the pacing/immersion.
The scene is still a little quick, and so the characters' bonding and declaration of love seems hurried. Still, it achieves its purpose.
Just by allowing two characters to interact outside of the distracting action prose, you have given them substantial depth and qualities that make me genuinely care for their fates. Interactions like that between Roseluck and Amethyst convince the reader to invest themselves in the narrative, if only for the characters.
Such an interaction/relationship is unfortunately lacking for the main protagonist, and that is really my most distressing critique with the story. Here's to you for this gem.
5361233 Honestly, I did not put Rose in just for the sake of it. It's hard to find somepony to fit in, if that made any sense. The reason why I did not elaborate more on the main protagonist is mainly due to the nature of her work, Fitting in any relationship-wise sections would be pointless as they might not serve to drive the plot further, which can be a drag and bore.
Thanks for reading and your honest opinions about my work. I'm currently working on a fic with a dense plot, which would hopefully allow readers to, like you said, genuinely care about their fates, especially in the atmosphere of that particular world. This is not my best work, oh no.
I went ahead to have a gander at your work, and so far, it has me intrigued.
P.S. What genre of literature do you enjoy reading? Pardon me for asking
5361999 I welcome the question. My favorite genre is either historical fiction or, believe it or not, sociological narratives. Some sociologists take the liberty to place their findings in a story format, which appeals greatly to my specialized taste for learning.
Also, I did not necessarily criticize Roseluck's inclusion in the story. If anything, she adds another layer of depth to a character and plot that would otherwise fit into stock archetypes. The love sub-plot is just a difficult element to incorporate into thrillers (you can ask disillusioned film critics why); however, like I said, it worked here splendidly.
As for the protagonist, perhaps give her time away from the case. I would have loved to see her interact with a friend after work who was not directly involved in the narrative or even read about her acting as any ordinary city dweller.
5363008 Historical fiction is definitely one of my favourite genres, especially if it incorporates some political and social aspects amongst the conflicts, I am a fan of novels like Romance of the Three Kingdoms and A Song of Ice and Fire as it really captures the notion of a world in constant tension and uprising. Characters are well drawn out and elaborated on, and it feels like every single character is believable. As such, you fear of their fates and the reactions of their peers and family. I am attempting to write such a tale using that atmosphere, hopefully, I'll be able to incorporate these themes well.
5364938 No easy task, but I wish you the best.
I look forward to your piece.
This story definitely captured my attention all the way through, good job
. I think my favorite part would be the ending, through it could of been longer.
I really did not see the movie yet that was based on, so everything was unexpected, through maybe now I might look into the movie.
I also made a cover art for this, feel free to use it if you want to.
orig12.deviantart.net/f768/f/2015/220/c/2/war_in_the_dark_by_blazedsilver-d94tgor.png
6338683 Oh wow. Really not expecting a comment on this, but I'm glad you enjoyed it. Picture is great, don't mind if I do!