• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 28th, 2019

bayleaf9514


They call me bay. I make videos on youtube and write stories here. I like to tell people my stories, and share the ones I enjoy. Not really much besides that. [Mostly.]

T
Source

War. War never changes.

Through droughts, famines, floods, and invasions, we have survived. We adapted to live where it was said impossible. We did what we said couldn't be done. We died trying. 200 years later, and still, we haven’t learned. Little did we know, our inability to forgive would be our downfall. The alicorns tried to reconcile for there sins, and still we hated them. Still, we feared them. We didn't know that they would be angry. We had no idea that they could be evil. Now we must pay the price.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 12 )

This was a lot of fun to read too. I can't wait for the next chapter!

The description confuses me...

You should really use capital letters more often

what series minigun was the steel ranger using vindicator, avenger, standard 5mm colt buster?

When you say designed energy weapons you mean "worked in a factory" right

Also you and I need a long talk about lore a very long talk but hopefully my good friend (who's name I can't type but you know who you are you enclave pacifist) will put you on the right path

5150803 just a 5mm,

As for him designing weapons- he's in a stable packed with 100s of the smartest ponies of pre war equestria. It says in the story that he's a magical energy engineer. So no, he designed weapons for the war effort before he was frozen. he is one of the biggest nerds in the wasteland.

A talk on lore sounds interesting enough, although im not sure where your going with it :derpyderp1:

I hate it when people remove the comment option from their profile because then I can't make terrible jokes about their profile.

This isn't excellent , but not bad either.
First things first: take to heart what 5150728 said. It may not seem that important, but small things like capitalization are important for the first impression (and that's coming from the guy whose mother tongue orders to capitalize even more words than English).
At least go through this again and capitalize all the "Hope"s, "Faith"s and "I"s. Those are basic things and to make a good impression, you should do that right.

You're also sometimes using similar spelled, wrong words. For example:

I fallowed her.

Yes, I was maintenance. Its the only job a stable has for an engineer.

But he just woke out of cry-sleep. Why is he anything? Isn't the reason of cryo-stasis to move around the whole "stable has to be operated" thing by getting the ponies to the time were stables aren't needed anymore? Why put them in cry-sleep if they have to live a normal stable-life, just two hundred years later?

Same thing here:

She was the only living pony in the wasteland I trusted

Most likely you got the tense wrong here. Your narration is in past tense, so to indicate that he trusted his sister back then, you'll need to go one step deeper into the past tense. Something like "had been trusting" or "had trusted".
Or better leave that sentence. Him using the word wasteland when he just woke up from cryo-sleep sounds really odd.

Pip buck 5000

Should be PipBuck or Pip Buck 5000. And why? Why can an ordinary PipBuck override the stable's security system? What's the point of having a security system if everypony can override it?
Or if this PipBuck is special, why does he have it? He isn't the overstallion/head of security, so why would he need a emergency override?

Sometimes it sucked to know everything.

Be careful with where you're going there. Characters like that (cryo-stastis, nerd, knows everything, special equipment because special, most likely bullied in the past) aren't well received, especially in FoE.

I think you should separate the "Hope: level up!" and the "New party member: Faith!" thing from the rest of the text using a horizontal line of your own making. Trust me, it looks better that just having the level-up etc. things coming after your chapter without any kind of separation.

And for the level-up:
I would recommend highlighting the perk's name by making it bold. Like this:
Hope: level up!
New Spell added: Advanced Teleportation I. Your teleportation spell is no longer governd by line of sight! You can now concentrat all of your power to teleport to places you've been before. Be sure to acount for distance.

Capitalize the perk's/spell's name, it looks better




Now we're done with the things I would recommend doing different. Now we come to the things I liked.

the first (well actually the second) battle scene was maybe not extravagant, but it was much more reasonable than the usual "stable pony wakes from cry-sleep and instantly kills three Steel Rangers all by herself"-thing done soooo often. I liked that, really.

The fact that Hope can do more than just telekinesis. The teleporting seems a bit overpowered at the first glance, but as long as he isn't as capable as Twilight/the alicorns, this should be fine (by capable I mean being able to teleport precisely several times in a half a minute).




All in all, this isn't bad at all. Not excellent either, but not bad. Just promise me one thing: make sure you're going back and capitalize the words that need capitalizing. It was overall a good, read. That's a really good thing.:twilightsmile: and I'd like to see how this continues.

P.S.: why is there an alicorn on the coverart?

5151974
Actually, this isn't really important. It's sufficient to say it's a minigun and it's used against your characters. That's enough information for us readers to know your characters are in trouble.

5150803
How is this enclave pacifist you're talking about? Everyone knows the Enclave solely consists of bloodthirsty war-criminals (government) and brainless drones (everypony else that isn't a Dashite)

5151974
1: that didn't answer my question at all "just a 5mm" could mean it any minigun

2: unless your pony worked for Equestria electronics, Watz weapons department or flash industrial as a head designer which he can't because of all those stallion and mares being named his rank in building them would be just that a floor worker

3+ stable 0 is the stable which held the greatest pony minds of a generation the idea that there where other stables like it are highly impossible due to the buget size

4: unless those steel rangers are painted red no magically powered armour was ever built red

5: the pipboy series 5000 was known to house (according to van buran files) a small self defence laser on it the could be powered by the sun it was not known for it quick hacking the same should be given to the pipbuck 5000 series
7

6; sat s is not infinite it's a base of the characters agility by weapon

5152236 you'll see what the alicorn's all about later, don't worry. there is no reason a older pipbuck couldn't hack the system, but it would take longer. newer computers are faster then old ones. as for him being smart, I think I can make it work. as i'm sure you figured out, hope has no survival skills and no weapons training. sure, him being smart is great for out in the wastes, if you compare how often you have to build something, to how often you have to fight...he's going to have problems adapting.

thanks for your input by the way, vary helpful :scootangel:

5152284 you find out about all that later. if I gave away everything in the first chapter, it would make the story boring and predictable.

Again, capitalize names. It's important. Also capitalize the first word of a sentence or line in general. It's important too. Not doing that makes you look stupid.

And again, missing apostrophes and sometimes miss-used words, like

his eyes shit tight.

I had never been more glade that he was wrong.

Although he didn’t have any real injurious

I would suggest finding a pre-/proof-reader to prevent errors like those from happening. Your spellchecker-program won't catch them, but it will - in most cases - catch the missing apostrophes. Just get someone to read over it once and it should be fine.

Note: there quite many of those miss-used words. Definitely find a proof-reader for that.

I got up and told every pony to give my brother some room.

You should tell action like that. We're here to actually see what happens, not being told about it. Describe what Faith says, what the other ponies respond and why the hell they're not panicking because of the Steel Rangers who are trying to kill them. I somehow doubt all of them would simply stay cool if somepony just teleports back to them, bleeding and maybe dead. They're scientists after all, they shouldn't be all that battle-hardened. They should at least ask questions.
Same thing here:

Once we got to the bottom of the stairs, he sent me back up to check on every pony upstairs. Not a job I really wanted, but I didn’t complain. Walking around talking to ponies (even theses stuck up braineaks) was fare more fun then watching hope hack a computer.
When I got upstairs, I walked around the cryo lab making sure everypony was doing ok. They all where. Sadly, they offered vary little in the way on conversation.

“listen,” The flaming pony said as he walked up. “I know your both hurt, so don’t be afraid to say no.”

What? That's not how you'd describe somepony, even if he has that coat-color.

Hope nodded, thinking it over. “well, where are they?” I asked.
“Well,” Blaze pointed to a nearby freezer. “That mare in there was the over mare.”
“And head of security?” Hope asked.
“Well, your sisters wearing his uniform. Whats that tell ya?”

What do you want to tell us with those lines? Are they dead? Because if so, how? The Steel Rangers apparently weren't in the room with the cryo-pods, so why is it a problem that the overmare is inside a cryo-pod? And why does Faith wearing the head of security's uniform means he's dead. They were/are all in cryo-pods, weren't they?

“Wow bro, I didn't know you cared.” I chuckled. “Never seen you get that out of the clouds before.”
“Im tired of all the ponies here belittling you.”
“Yea, well when we open the exit, we wont have to.”

That third line isn't reasonably connected to the two before. That's really weird.

“No, but me and my brother where just talking about the odds of a bunch of out of shape egg heads surviving in a radioactive wasteland with no training or skills of any kind.” I shot back.

How do they know there's a radioactive wasteland out there? They haven't left the stable.

“Well, I can shoot, pick looks, find food, and im not afraid to get my hoods dirty.” I boasted. “I can hit an apple of your head at 500 yards.

Why? She's a drug addict, not a super-soldier. This goes hand-in-hand with the danger of Mary-Sue-ishness that applies to Hope with his "knows literally everything because he's a nerd"-character. Why can she "find food"? She wasn't out in the wasteland too, so why would she know where to find food? it's not even sure there's still something edible out there.

“You might be smarter then me, but at least I got a shot on the surface.”

What?! When?! And how does it go with

I couldn’t help but think about what outside might be like.

Apple Jacks Rangers, move in!” The Ranger shouted.

What?! Do you even know what Apple Jack's Rangers do? They are the exact opposite Tech-o-phile murderers (which you portray your Steel Rangers to be).

The perks don't seem in any way connected to what happened in the chapter.
Hope: less chance of burn-out. Why is there a chance at ll? You said it happened if an unicorn uses too much magic. This isn't an RPG-addiction or something like that. There's no chance of burning out. And why does his "burn-out-resistance" increase at all? If you break your arm, does it magically become more resistant to being broken? You could do something like; you are able to focus 10% more magical energy, thereby increasing the "amount" of magic you can cast before burnout.
Faith: when in the chapter did she use one's fear to get something she wanted? She got into a fight with that one scientist, but it was pointless and ended by Spell Nexus without Faith gaining anything.

Perks have to at least somehow follow from what you wrote down.




I think most of the problems of this chapter and story can be solved by finding a proof-reader/pre-reader and editor. Errors like not-capitalized names, miss-used words, inconsistencies (those were quite a problem for me to understand what is happening; they confuse the reader and not in a good way) and basic lore-mixups (such as the AppleJack's Rangers doing what Steel Rangers do) can be solved by one or more people reading through the story and saying what you should correct before publishing.

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