Colgate Runs out of Toothpaste

by CassandraMyOCisBestpony

Another Fate Worse Than Death

Twelve years ago was when my life changed forever. I was a happy pegasus filly with dreams, hopes, and a fast track to joining the Wonderbolts. That all changed on one fateful day. If you ask the average pony who the most evil unicorn stallion in the world is, they'd inevitably, naively, say "King Sombra." (The cat lady in the clothing store said 'Prince Blueblood.' Guess he had a son I didn't know about.) It must be so nice living such a sheltered life. When I was just a little filly, I made the acquaintance of the real mastermind of evil. His coat was blue like the sky, and his mane was white like a fluffy cloud. But don't be fooled, he wasn't anywhere near as nice a either of those things. His name was Dr. Colgate, better known as the pony that gave me braces.

I had to submit, what choice did I have? For I was fleet of foot but small of stature, and his gilded "MD" made him the authority figure. I was powerless to stop him from dooming me to a life of ridicule and stigma. The other ponies in my flight camp tormented me endlessly. They would innocently ask what kinds of music I liked, and then, instead of actually taking interest in my musical preferences, follow up with, "I bet you like heavy metal." Gilda said I was too dweeby to join the Wonderbolts. So I made a declaration. I swore, that even if he did take my braces off two years later, and even if I did make it into the Wonderbolts the year after that, I would have my vengeance on my tormentor. That's not stupid. Shut up.

After years of planning and plotting, I finally came up with the perfect plan. I would conceal a huge mallet under my wing, casually stroll into the dentist's office, and when let his guard down and showed me his jaw, WHAM!

I strode confidently into the dentist's office and approached the receptionist's desk. I gave her an innocent looking smile, being careful not to show my teeth - no doubt this gatekeeper was trained to recognize disgruntled customers when she saw her boss's handiwork. "I'm here to see Dr. Colgate. It's an emergency."

"Dr. Colgate? Why, he took a job in Saddle Arabia years ago." That coward! Clearly, he couldn't face what he'd done, so he fled the country. It looked like all hope was lost, until I happened by the newsstand. I don't know what compelled me to buy a newspaper, call it fate. But as I was flipping through the paper, I happened upon a personal ad that caught my eye.

Roommate wanted

55 Wither Street; 1 bath, 2 bedroom

Ask for Minuette Colgate

It couldn't be! Just as he escaped from my grasp, his own kin drops right into my lap. I was overcome with curiosity. I had to know just how far this apple fell from the tree, so I made haste to the battleground.

---

She instantly recognized me. Sure, she pretended like she'd never met me before, but I knew it was all an act. I knew, because, she offered me a mint. No doubt she was setting up a sick joke about how fillies with braces can't have hard candy.

"No, thank you," I replied smugly.

"Mmm-hmm," she said disapprovingly. I was a little disappointed to tell you the truth. I thought she'd have something more cunning than the same jokes as my Junior Speedsters bunkmates. When she handed me the leasing agreement, she told me that I'd be covering 60% of the rent instead of the 50% written in the ad, but I didn't care. The thought of fulfilling my destiny, and taking down the spawn of the lab-coated sadist was just too good to pass up. So into the lion's den I stepped.

---

She played the mint game almost every day, but I stood firm, refusing to be worn out. My resolve was rewarded as the months went by, as she began to show me her true colors. She locked me out of the house, and knocked the cookie jar off the hutch more times than I could count. I knew exactly why she did those things; because she was a klutz. And as I watched her profusely apologize as she used her magic to sweep up the pottery shards and cookie crumbs, I began to develop a plan. If something bad were to happen to somepony as clumsy as her, she'd never be able to pin it on me - any neutral party would chalk it up to her own lack of balance & coordination.

Her shopping list was stuck to the fridge with a goofy smiling tooth magnet. It wasn't a strong magnet, it was the kind that would abandon its post at the slightest jostle. I made a light breeze with my wings, and the ridiculous looking magnet tumbled to the floor, the paper fluttering down after it. I caught it in my mouth and stealthily carried it back to my room. Once my door was shut and locked, I took a fresh sheet of paper, and carefully traced Colgate's hornwriting. If you're a unicorn, then you won't appreciate just what a task it is to recreate the mechanical precision of magic with your mouth. But I was determined, and five hours and several quills later, I had a perfect duplicate of Colgate's shopping list, identical to the original in every way, except with one item missing - toothpaste. Truly it was a masterpiece. It was dismaying that this work of art would get crumpled up and thrown in a trashcan. Colgate never appreciated fine art anyway; this one time, I scored free Wonderbolts tickets for her, and she turned them down!

"Fleetfoot, have you seen my shopping list?"

It was go time. Colgate was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, and it would be impossible to sneak by... were I not a pegasus. The thing about grounder ponies is, they don't look up unless they have a good reason to. And why would they? There's no reason to think that there's a pegasus shimmying across your ceiling like Spidermare, right above you at this very moment, is there?

Made you look, didn't I?

I slipped under the doorframe and dropped the list from the ceiling.The fluttering noise of the paper caught her attention just long enough for her to turn around, and for me to slip back to my room.

"Never mind, I found it!" she called again, all too happy to blame that little mishap on her four left feet. At least the cookie jar was still in one piece - I was in the mood for a victory snack. But first, I had one last piece of business to attend to. I located her sparse-looking toothpaste tube, and with my hoof, gave it a good whack like I was cracking a walnut. A glob of toothpaste splattered into the sink, and I quickly wiped it up. Daintily, I molded the tube into a more intact-looking shape. Now, it looked like there was enough for a few more days, when really, it would be all gone by tomorrow. There was a good chance I wouldn't be home from work in time to see it all go down, but I didn't care. Gleefully, I helped myself to a molassess-nut cookie, a painful deprivation I had suffered when I had braces and an emblem of my fight for justice. I spent the rest of the day practicing being surprised when Colgate told me about her little crisis.

---

The next morning, I was up before Colgate, and I was glad - she might've gotten suspicious if she saw that I had a little spring in my step. As I was making myself breakfast, I happened to feel a nagging bit of food stuck between my teeth. That's when it dawned on me; I should use Colgate's dental floss, I bet she'd hate that. It was a real relief to get that scrap of food out, and the minty flavor felt nice and refreshing. Just for the heck of it, I flossed all of my teeth. As I was finishing up, I heard Colgate's alarm clock ringing. That was my cue to get out of there.

---

It was basic training day, and while I normally loved yelling at the new recruits while did their sky laps, today I was having trouble concentrating. Even the most brutal war has rules of engagement, and I couldn't help but feel like I'd violated them. A dentist with dirty teeth, why she'd be laughed right out of the Secret Society of Orthodontry, which I assumed was a thing.

"Fleetfoot, pay attention!" said Soarin, cutting off my train of thought

"Huh?"

"One of your cadets just missed a ring."

"Oh, um... say, can you take over for five minutes? I need to get some toothpaste from commissary."

"Sure, I guess so."

I took of like a shot, hoping desperately that they had something in the extra-minty variety. In the distance I heard Soarin sounding off,

"You miss another ring and I'll serve you up a flank-whooping pie with KP crust!"

---

When I arrived home, I was still feeling guilty about what I did. Hopefully this new tube of toothpaste would smooth everything over. "Colgate, you there?" I called out as I flicked on the lights. It looked like a tornado had swept through. The door to my room was wide open, and it looked like the tornado had paid special attention to my stuff. Something told me I'd need more than toothpaste. "Colgate, what the heck happened here??? It was then I noticed the open bathroom door, and saw a sight that made my blood run cold. Colgate was lying prone on the floor, a discarded bottle of some blue liquid by her feet.

"Colgate, are you all right?!" I ran over to her side, hoping against hope that she was still breathing.

She looked up at me, worse for wear but with a big smile on her face. I'd never noticed it before, but she was pretty cute when she smiled.

"I'm better than ok! I feel like a new mare!"

"O...kay. Why?" It was then I noticed she had a piece of used floss. I kicked myself mentally - leaving evidence behind, I thought I was better than that. "Bonbon came over and she had to floss her teeth, she brought her own floss, I swear." It sounded pretty convincing in my head, but she spoke again before I had a chance to.

"Oh Fleetfoot! I've gravely misjudged you! I thought you were a monster! But I was wrong, you do care!" I flinched as she grabbed my hooves and started sobbing. "Won't you ever forgive me-e-e-e?"

I had no idea where she was going with this, but I figured it best to play along. "Sure, I guess"

"Thank you Fleetfoot! I'm just so happy I could kiss you!"

Now I really had no idea where she was going with this. "Come again?"

"Please Fleetfoot! Let me show you my gratitude!" I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the leftover adrenaline from thinking she was gone for good, maybe it was because I was just now noticing that she was pretty cute when she smiled. All I knew was, I was Fleetfoot, the mare who'd sooner take a bullet to the head than fraternize with the enemy, and in that moment, I was going to kiss my arch nemesis.

"Your mouth does smell pretty good. Ok, sure, what the hay."

She pulled my head down and locked her lips to mine. She teased my lips with her tongue, and I had to admit, she really was a good kisser. As I ran my tongue along her teeth, I picked up a very unusual taste in her mouth. It was grainy like some kind of powder, and it tasted like she... had metal in her mouth! Suddenly it made sense, this whole thing must've been an elaborate plan to get me to drop my guard, an turn the tables right when I thought I had her cornered! That sly devil. I had to hand it to her, she was good. I'd done every play in the book, but she was always one step ahead.

I knew in that moment that I had just one choice. A Wonderbolt knows when to fight, and when to admit defeat, and Colgate had beyond a doubt proven herself the superior opponent. I remembered the toothpaste in my saddlebag. Perhaps I could use it, and an offer to be her lifelong lover, to bargain for a peaceful surrender. Gently, I pulled away from our kiss. I reached into my saddlebag and pulled out the fresh tube of toothpaste. Colgate gasped

"Fleetfoot, did you get this for me? Thank you!!!"

"Colgate," I said stoically, "we have to talk."

"Can it wait a few minutes?"

"I guess, why?"

"Because I have to brush my teeth!"

Comments

[Justice3442]

Did not predict that Fleetfoot was just as crazy, just in her own way.

Awesome sauce.

[purrloinedlove]

Funny.

[crazypony300]

What the hay!?

[Thought Prism]

You can actually write serious stories? Good to know.

[SLZ]

This was really well done. I enjoyed it a little more than I think I should've. The first chapter gave me the feels: mouthwash and baking soda. That's one heck of a combination to get your teeth cleaned.