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A Fate Worse than Death1,406 words
Another Fate Worse Than Death2,299 words

A Fate Worse than Death

It was a good day for Colgate. She had eaten plenty of mints, (the sugar free kind, naturally) so her breath smelled fresh as a winter wonderland. Not like her filthy roommate Fleetfoot, who never flossed and always had food stuck in her teeth. She made the Wonderbolts shows impossible to enjoy. Colgate was seriously thinking of writing a complaint letter. Boy howdy, if not for the fact that she was a unicorn, she would fly right up to Cloudsdale, bang on Spitfire's door and give her a piece of her mind.

But enough about that, nothing would distract her from her fourth favorite part of the day - preceded only by brushing in the morning, brushing in the afternoon, and "accidentally" locking Fleetfoot out of the house. She focused her magic on the brushing implement before her. The toothbrush was enveloped in a blue-tinted white glow and it rose to her face. Now, she turned her attention to the tube of toothpaste, and began to raise it with her magic.

"No." She placed it down. The magic was too impersonal. She wanted to be closer to her beloved toothpaste. To feel the bumps and ridges on the tube left by all the past times the toothpaste had sacrificed a little piece of itself to make her stronger. It was a selfless companion to an undeserving parasite like herself, and to reciprocate its affection was the least she could do. She pressed on it deeply, feeling the connection between herself, and that which would soon be part of herself. But her provider was nearly spent, she could feel that this April December relationship was drawing close its end. There was only so much it could give before it finally gave up the ghost; a husk of its former self. She took her hoof away and picked it up with her magic as she first intended. There was no sense in getting attached. She knew from the very start how this would end.

"This must be what it feels like when Princess Celestia falls in love with a mortal," thought Colgate. What had she done to deserve this curse of outlasting all her lovers? How could a benevolent deity bestow great fortune upon the wicked & slovenly Fleetfoot, while the fair and innocent Colgate received such a cruel lot in life?

She discarded such thoughts as she squeezed the tube with her magic. "What will be, will b-". An unexpected complication had arisen. Nothing was coming out of the tube. That was impossible - there was enough left for two more brushing sessions - or one if you mangled the tube instead of being delicate with it. Fleetfoot always squeezed out toothpaste in the way one would crack a walnut with one's hoof. And then eat said nut and leave little pieces stuck in one's teeth.

Sighing, Colgate opened the drawer where she kept her spare tubes of toothpaste. But to her great shock, the inside of the drawer was completely empty! Well no matter, Colgate knew what to do in situations like this. She used her magic on the back end of the toothpaste tube and began to roll the tube on itself. She could swear that as she coiled it tighter and tighter, that she could see a slug of toothpaste begin to creep out. But that promising feeling began to fade as she crushed it, tighter and tighter still, until it was practically small enough to fit through a drinking straw, and received nothing.

"Ok, Colgate, don't panic. I'll just go to the store and...." she was cut off by a loud hollow BONG! She peered out into the hallway, knowing very well what that sound meant, but knowing she had not the strength to face its meaning. The grandfather clock stood resolute in the hallway, its two hands spread wide like the jaws of an alligator ready to devour a helpless victim. Eight o'clock was already an unsavory time, because it was when Fleetfoot and her filthy mouth typically arrived home, but today, it also represented closing time of all the shops in Ponyville.

"No! This can't be! This can't be!" She clutched her face. In the mirror, her reflection changed to Fleetfoot. "Nooooooo!" Fleetfoot smiled a wide smile that showed all her teeth, rife with cavities, plaque, and food scraps. "I'M HIDEOUS!!!!" wailed Colgate. "Toothpaste, toothpaste! Need toothpaste!" She began tearing the drawers right out of their divots and shook each one upside down. She tore apart her dresser- nothing. She tore apart the attic - nothing. She tore apart Fleetfoot's room - nothing, but that felt cathartic. Finally beginning to fatigue, she paused. She was breathing heavily, feeling mentally and physically defeated.

She trudged down to the kitchen, sobbing quietly. Might as well start gorging on sweets now that her teeth were a lost cause. Feebly, she magicked open the cookie jar, when suddenly a thought occurred to her. "Baking soda. That's an ingredient in toothpaste, isn't it?" She rifled through the kitchen cabinet until she found the box she was looking for. Excitedly, she snatched it up and galloped back into the bathroom.

She poured a good amount of the white powder onto her brush, the baking soda nestling itself in between the bristles. She ran it under the tap, causing the baking soda to unappealingly clump up like wet sugar. Still, desperate times called for desperate measures, and though this seemed like a stupid idea on paper, she knew in her heart that in truth, the plebs like Fleetfoot just couldn't comprehend her ingenuity. Hesitantly, she brought the toothbrush to her mouth.

"Ack!" she gagged, as her mouth began to fill with the taste of aluminum, "ok, bad idea, bad idea!" she conceded, as she continued to cough and sputter. "Mouthwash!" She fervently dug through the mess on the floor, until she found the bottle of clear blue liquid. Tearing off the cap, she began to chug. The proper way to use mouthwash was to gargle and spit, and Colgate was well aware of this. However, given today's ordeal and the ongoing predicament, Colgate surmised that she needed the alcohol - the rest of the bottle's worth, in fact.

"Ah" she sighed as the last drop slid down her throat. She discarded the empty bottle into the wastebasket. Something seemed off about the wastebasket, but she ignored it - there were more important things to deal with right now. "Guess I should clean up this mess," thought Colgate, her angry energy spent, "don't want Fleetfoot to think she got a rise out of me, but...." she paused. That trash can was nagging at her like a toothache. She had to see what was the matter with it. Peering in, she noticed a gnarled strand of dental floss. "This isn't mine" she mused, "but if it isn't mine then.... Oh my Celestia."

The front door clicked open. "Colgate?" called Fleetfoot, "you there? I made a copy of our house key." She noticed suddenly that their house looked like a tornado had swept through, "Colgate, what the heck happened here???" Out of the corner of her eye, through the open bathroom door, she saw Colgate hunched over. "Colgate! Are you all right?" She hurried to her roomate's side.

Colgate looked up at her, her face stained with tears, but a warm smile on her face "I'm better than ok! I'm great! I feel like a new mare!"

"O..kay. Why?"

She held up the floss, "oh Fleetfoot! I've gravely misjudged you! I thought you were a monster! But I was wrong, you do care!" She wrapped her arms around Fleetfoot's knees, "won't you ever forgive me-e-e-e?"

"Sure, I guess"

"Thank you Fleetfoot! I'm just so happy I could kiss you!"

"Come again?"

"Please Fleetfoot! Let me show you my gratitude!"

"Well... your mouth does smell pretty good. Alright sure, what the hay."

The end?

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Hurgusburgus

Hurgusburgus #1 · Oct 18th, 2014 · 6 · 1 ·

rs1ci.memecdn.com/12/5262012.jpg

Spider8ite

Spider8ite #2 · Oct 18th, 2014 · 2 · ·

No way! NOT THE TOOTHPASTE! *dies*

iloveportalz0r

iloveportalz0r #3 · Oct 18th, 2014 · · ·

Frosen light

Frosen light #4 · Oct 18th, 2014 · 1 · ·

SO LOL!

The Blessed One

The Blessed One #5 · Oct 18th, 2014 · 2 · ·

That was......... strange.

But It was funny, have a like.

Justice3442

Justice3442 #6 · Oct 19th, 2014 · 2 · ·

Oh man, that ending... You know it ends with Colgate running her tongue over Fleetfoot's teeth and moaning to herself over how clean they are. Now the question is, is Fleetfoot into it or not?

Congrats on hitting the popular box. I look forward to a penitential sequel with mouth hygiene obsessed Colgate .

Frosen light