The only grievance I've got with this chapter is you establish Will and Sarah had a rocky relationship, but that was just about it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you gave a concrete reason for the two to be mad/angry (or whatever) at each other, except for the sake of conflict at having will upset about having lost his family after going through the portal. That's another thing; Will acted like he only missed his sister. Granted you mentioned his family at a couple points, but the emphasis on his sister washed over it to a degree.
A few chapters in, and Scootie has already proved to be better than Dash. She has every bit of sensibility, insight and companionship that Blue Fuckbuddy has lacked thus far, without being any less cocksure and radical to be around.
At first I was against any romantic ties between these two, but now I'm good with this going either the path of friendshipping or actual shipping. Scoots showed her mature side damn well, and both she and Will know a fair bit more about each other now.
In hindsight, that appears as though it would factor in, but to what degree I don't know. It simply seems odd that Will would focus on his sister and not the rest of his family is what I'm getting at.
This was a good chapter gives the characters partial back story. But are scootaloo and will be going anywhere romanticly, it seems she is more of a girlfriend in this story.
Also ive noticed on fimfiction something ive been wondering why does everyone say coltfriend and marefriend in their stories when in the hearts and hooves day song from said episode scootaloo said ( "his girlfriend sure thinks so" ) not marefriend.
I liked how you set the tone with Will's backstory. I also liked how you set up the nice closeness with Scootaloo and maintained a level of romantic tension. It could have been elaborated on as to what was underlying his issues with his family, but most people don't analyze that far into their own relationships. They usually talk about the emotional products of the issues instead of addressing the root cause. So, in that essence, you were accurate to most people. I am very much looking forward to the new development with Scootaloo and definitely want to see how far you're going to take it.
5594416 I don't normally like talking about things that could potentially spoil where the story is going, but since I feel as well that this chapter may not have been the clearest, I'll make an exception, though I'll do my best to not be spoil-y.
I tried to get across that the fact that their relationship being rocky may have been a lot in his head. He doesn't really give any reasons as to why they didn't get along because there mostly weren't. Just usual sibling bickering.
And making him seem like he only missed his sister was actually on purpose. Remember how Scoots thought he felt guilty about something, and later how Will mentions that he didn't tell her the full story...? I'm really afraid to give more than that yet, but do rest assured that I have considered that quite a bit. I only hope that when everything comes to light it will be a satisfying explanation.
5594542 I'll go ahead and dismiss this one. I have absolutely nothing against incest, but that just isn't what's going on here. If that's how their relationship came across, then that was just a fumble on my part. Call it me not having any siblings close to my age and having a much harder time writing their relationships.
5594547 I'm glad I could win you over a little bit. I'm trying really hard to build a legitimate relationship between them so that wherever their relationship goes it feels genuine and earned. Scootaloo is still in that phase where she's starting to leave childhood behind and become an adult. She's thinking about the future and her place in the world but still feeling a little lost as to where she should go. She has her moments of naive obliviousness, but also her moments of clarity that only comes with a little bit of world experience. Though I hope I won't lose you when I say that I'm not done with Will and Rainbow's relationship, either. They have quite a bit to go through as well, though don't think for a moment I'll be forgetting about Scoots. All three will be pretty important by the end.
Whew. That was way more long winded than I like to be!
5594842 Oops, sorry I missed yours in my last comment.
As to the first, well, you'll just have to see where their relationship's going. They do seem rather close, but who knows?
As to the second, it's just a personal preference thing. A lot of what happens in the show can be called a contrivance of convenience due to it being a cartoon, and so I feel pretty comfortable playing fast and loose with canon. I only prefer marefriend and coltfriend since I like to think they use colt/filly/mare/stallion more often than boy or girl. Just another difference between humans and ponies, albeit a minor one.
5595073 Clarity from the author, awesome. Now that that theory's outta my head-*waits for next chapter* 5594608 I have two step sisters, though I prefer not to acknowledge their existence.
I think you're wrong and that was probably your best writing so far. Those two are starting to have a really good character dynamic going between them. If not for the age difference, I'd actually start thinking they'd work well with each other.
I woukd have to say that being on this site for so long makes you open to any and all possibilities. However I read through the comments and saw that you are not hinting at incest with Sarah. I think it is less your dialouge and more of it being on FimFiction.
5597497 I'm with this guy. I came for the clop back when this story was only a chapter long but over time I've become greatly invested in the story. While more clop is almost always welcome a story that's actually well written is always more valuable. You've done a great job crafting a story with characters and situations that get me to really emotionally invest. Thanks for that.
Also, I'm writing this on my phone at 5AM so I apologize for the formatting, phrasing, grammar, and really the whole thing.
...It's very rare that I see a story that gets me to actually care about Scootaloo I mean, like this. I don't dislike her by any means but it's uncommon for me to like her over every other character.
Really love this story. Not gonna lie, was expecting it to be just smut because i have seen so much or it before. but I was pleasantly surprised to see the direction you are taking it. and I actually loved this chapter a lot and the emotions reminded me of other great novels. The swimming in the lake and finding a portal reminds me of another book called Song of Fire by Joseph Bentz. Great story and i'm loving it all. 5602159 For starters I love your pic, rise against and ponies, two of my favorite things. And i agree i normally don;t care much for Scootaloo, idk why it's just the way she is I guess. but I really like the way she's fleshed out in this story.
I thought the chapter was really well done. I'll admit, during the explanation I thought that Will was massively over-reacting. After all, an argument leading to him taking a swim and falling through a portal shouldn't have scarred him that badly. Then I read the end, and I see there's more to the story that we haven't heard.
Sometimes the chapters you struggle with a lot turn out to be the really good ones :D This one for sure is a really good chapter, I enjoyed it, and a lot of people down below seem to as well.
Awesome job on this. Loving how this is going! :D Flip, yus.
Author's Note: I'll admit, I don't think this is my finest chapter. I had a lot of struggle with it, sometimes feeling like I was going over the top and other times playing the emotions too lightly. I certainly don't think it's perfect, but it needed to happen and I think that was as good as I can get it.
Personally, this has been my favorite chapter to read so far. In my opinion, the emotions were done perfectly.
Though this site lists this story as a clopfic, I think a better term would be erotica. By my definition, a color is is something written so a guy like me can have something to choke the One-Eyed-Wonder-Whale to. Erotica would be a very well written story, which just happens to have time well done smexy moments. It is a story with a well established plot, and all the more enjoyable to me.
Instead of heading inside, Scoots lifted herself into the air and for a brief second pressed her lips to my cheek. I unconsciously pressed my fingers to the spot as she lighted back down.
I came here for an HIE / Rainbow story with clop, and instead I get a semi-sappy, Scootalove story? I am here for it!
Honestly this just make me realize either how few Scoots stories there are or the ones that focused on her didn't make her an interesting enough character for me to remember them.
This one though? It's going on me list... (a good list, I promise!). :D
We told Flip that we were heading out for a while, and after a quip about having Scootaloo back before midnight, we were out in the pleasantly cool evening air and weaving our way between streets and houses towards a destination I wasn’t privy to.
I kind of want to see the MC joke with Flip about bringing her back before midnight of the next day.
The only grievance I've got with this chapter is you establish Will and Sarah had a rocky relationship, but that was just about it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you gave a concrete reason for the two to be mad/angry (or whatever) at each other, except for the sake of conflict at having will upset about having lost his family after going through the portal. That's another thing; Will acted like he only missed his sister. Granted you mentioned his family at a couple points, but the emphasis on his sister washed over it to a degree.
Wow this was one fantastic chapter can't wait for the next
5594416
Why do I get the feeling he loved her as more than his sister...?
A few chapters in, and Scootie has already proved to be better than Dash. She has every bit of sensibility, insight and companionship that Blue Fuckbuddy has lacked thus far, without being any less cocksure and radical to be around.
At first I was against any romantic ties between these two, but now I'm good with this going either the path of friendshipping or actual shipping. Scoots showed her mature side damn well, and both she and Will know a fair bit more about each other now.
5594542
In hindsight, that appears as though it would factor in, but to what degree I don't know. It simply seems odd that Will would focus on his sister and not the rest of his family is what I'm getting at.
5594542
You wouldn't happen to be an only child, would you.
This was a good chapter gives the characters partial back story. But are scootaloo and will be going anywhere romanticly, it seems she is more of a girlfriend in this story.
Also ive noticed on fimfiction something ive been wondering why does everyone say coltfriend and marefriend in their stories when in the hearts and hooves day song from said episode scootaloo said ( "his girlfriend sure thinks so" ) not marefriend.
I'm loving this story!
Can't wait to see how it turns out or which direction you will take the relationships.
Thanks for the update.
~8chill
I liked how you set the tone with Will's backstory. I also liked how you set up the nice closeness with Scootaloo and maintained a level of romantic tension. It could have been elaborated on as to what was underlying his issues with his family, but most people don't analyze that far into their own relationships. They usually talk about the emotional products of the issues instead of addressing the root cause. So, in that essence, you were accurate to most people. I am very much looking forward to the new development with Scootaloo and definitely want to see how far you're going to take it.
5594416
I don't normally like talking about things that could potentially spoil where the story is going, but since I feel as well that this chapter may not have been the clearest, I'll make an exception, though I'll do my best to not be spoil-y.
I tried to get across that the fact that their relationship being rocky may have been a lot in his head. He doesn't really give any reasons as to why they didn't get along because there mostly weren't. Just usual sibling bickering.
And making him seem like he only missed his sister was actually on purpose. Remember how Scoots thought he felt guilty about something, and later how Will mentions that he didn't tell her the full story...? I'm really afraid to give more than that yet, but do rest assured that I have considered that quite a bit. I only hope that when everything comes to light it will be a satisfying explanation.
5594542
I'll go ahead and dismiss this one. I have absolutely nothing against incest, but that just isn't what's going on here. If that's how their relationship came across, then that was just a fumble on my part. Call it me not having any siblings close to my age and having a much harder time writing their relationships.
5594547
I'm glad I could win you over a little bit. I'm trying really hard to build a legitimate relationship between them so that wherever their relationship goes it feels genuine and earned. Scootaloo is still in that phase where she's starting to leave childhood behind and become an adult. She's thinking about the future and her place in the world but still feeling a little lost as to where she should go. She has her moments of naive obliviousness, but also her moments of clarity that only comes with a little bit of world experience. Though I hope I won't lose you when I say that I'm not done with Will and Rainbow's relationship, either. They have quite a bit to go through as well, though don't think for a moment I'll be forgetting about Scoots. All three will be pretty important by the end.
Whew. That was way more long winded than I like to be!
5594842
Oops, sorry I missed yours in my last comment.
As to the first, well, you'll just have to see where their relationship's going. They do seem rather close, but who knows?
As to the second, it's just a personal preference thing. A lot of what happens in the show can be called a contrivance of convenience due to it being a cartoon, and so I feel pretty comfortable playing fast and loose with canon. I only prefer marefriend and coltfriend since I like to think they use colt/filly/mare/stallion more often than boy or girl. Just another difference between humans and ponies, albeit a minor one.
Hurrah for the sister not being dead!
5595198
Ah, but the truth is he was actually an orphan with no siblings! It was all a devious ruse to get into Scoots's metaphorical pants!
That or his parents were shot in an alleyway and he went on to be a superhero. I forget.
Oooooooh shit...the camera? Meh, but the pictures are gonna come back and bite him in the ass I bet!!!
shit
SHIT
SHIT
SHIT
SHIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!
5595073 Clarity from the author, awesome. Now that that theory's outta my head-*waits for next chapter*
5594608 I have two step sisters, though I prefer not to acknowledge their existence.
Another great installment! Looking forward to the next.
5595482
It doesn't actually matter, I really just wanted to use that line on someone once.
After reading the chapter, I'd actually kind of agree with you. It does sound that way, even if it's not intended.
I think you're wrong and that was probably your best writing so far. Those two are starting to have a really good character dynamic going between them. If not for the age difference, I'd actually start thinking they'd work well with each other.
I woukd have to say that being on this site for so long makes you open to any and all possibilities. However I read through the comments and saw that you are not hinting at incest with Sarah. I think it is less your dialouge and more of it being on FimFiction.
This is now moved from tracking to favourites.
Came for the clop, stayed for the story. And this story, despite what you think, was probably my favorite. It was light, sweet, and well written
5597497 I'm with this guy. I came for the clop back when this story was only a chapter long but over time I've become greatly invested in the story. While more clop is almost always welcome a story that's actually well written is always more valuable. You've done a great job crafting a story with characters and situations that get me to really emotionally invest. Thanks for that.
Also, I'm writing this on my phone at 5AM so I apologize for the formatting, phrasing, grammar, and really the whole thing.
Didn't read the clop, still think the story is pretty damn good.
You may have said this was a hard chapter but it is quite possibly the best chapter.
I dont even remember if you told us what they DID fight about... Curses
Came for the clop, stayed for the story and the seemingly neverending deluge of Feels. Damn good chapter.
5599625
Really? That's awesome. Hi again.
...It's very rare that I see a story that gets me to actually care about Scootaloo
I mean, like this.
I don't dislike her by any means but it's uncommon for me to like her over every other character.
Really love this story. Not gonna lie, was expecting it to be just smut because i have seen so much or it before. but I was pleasantly surprised to see the direction you are taking it. and I actually loved this chapter a lot and the emotions reminded me of other great novels. The swimming in the lake and finding a portal reminds me of another book called Song of Fire by Joseph Bentz. Great story and i'm loving it all.
5602159
For starters I love your pic, rise against and ponies, two of my favorite things. And i agree i normally don;t care much for Scootaloo, idk why it's just the way she is I guess. but I really like the way she's fleshed out in this story.
Aaaaaw... Cuteness is over nine thousand !! Gimme more !
I thought the chapter was really well done. I'll admit, during the explanation I thought that Will was massively over-reacting. After all, an argument leading to him taking a swim and falling through a portal shouldn't have scarred him that badly. Then I read the end, and I see there's more to the story that we haven't heard.
I have to wonder if Scootaloo forgot to remove her collar when they went out for that walk. lol
Ya, he needs to try and get out in town some more. Meet some other ponies.
Flip's attitude, oh sweet Celestia. He's my new favorite character!
Loved the way you had Will and Scoots progress there friendship. Keep it up!
Sometimes the chapters you struggle with a lot turn out to be the really good ones :D
This one for sure is a really good chapter, I enjoyed it, and a lot of people down below seem to as well.
Awesome job on this.
Loving how this is going! :D
Flip, yus.
I wonder"Scoots x Will or Dash x Will?"
Wow. I just... I'm loving the personality you're giving Scoots here. I'm really enjoying this.
I think you're doing fine as well. I'm enjoying the story so far.
*Strokes his chin* You know... I don't see many mature Scoots x Human stories. But this one is pretty damned good. Like it so far.
Personally, this has been my favorite chapter to read so far. In my opinion, the emotions were done perfectly.
Though this site lists this story as a clopfic, I think a better term would be erotica. By my definition, a color is is something written so a guy like me can have something to choke the One-Eyed-Wonder-Whale to. Erotica would be a very well written story, which just happens to have time well done smexy moments. It is a story with a well established plot, and all the more enjoyable to me.
7181461 One-Eyed Wonder-Whale? Really?
7658984
What else would you call it, "lanky beanstalk leaking sap?"
This is some good shit. Will has depth beyond the usual HIE blank slate. The character interactions all feel natural. Nice.
Eeeeeyup, definitely a spark there........
I came here for an HIE / Rainbow story with clop, and instead I get a semi-sappy, Scootalove story? I am here for it!
Honestly this just make me realize either how few Scoots stories there are or the ones that focused on her didn't make her an interesting enough character for me to remember them.
This one though? It's going on me list... (a good list, I promise!). :D
I kind of want to see the MC joke with Flip about bringing her back before midnight of the next day.