• Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 21st, 2017

Dreamscape


"1/4 hipster, 3/4 kawaii"

Sequels1

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After his stepfather receives a job offer which requires his family to move, our protagonist is thrust into the bustling halls of Canterlot High School to complete his senior year. He quickly begins to fall for a certain girl named Sunset Shimmer. Unbeknownst to him, she has a much darker past than he ever would have believed. Does she feel the same? After he discovers the truth, will he still have the same feelings? (Set in the EG universe between Equestria Girls and Rainbow Rocks[not taking comics into account])

Cover Art by 00riko (used with permission): http://00riko.deviantart.com/art/MLP-EqG-Sunset-Shimmer-486769420

Featured 10/14/14. Thanks for the support!

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 123 )

:pinkiegasp: omg this is so touching it almost made me cry

So, what's the protagonist's name?

This is incredibly well written! :moustache:

.......WOW. Did NOT expect things to go that way so quickly. :rainbowderp:

Hey there, Dream. You doing okay?

Shoot, now things are getting serious. :coolphoto:

The feels, man. There BETTER be a sequel series! Rainbow Rocks offers plenty of more material, dude. Please? :scootangel:

Great story!
(You've accidentally made most of this chapter centered!)

5137633
Thanks for telling me that. Would've never noticed :twilightblush:

5137560
Um, yes? What brings up that question?

Before Rainbow Rocks means no spoilers, right? I'm not going to see it until it comes out on DVD.

This story is so nice! Keep going man! I'm looking forward to seeing this story develop. It is one of the best stories I've read!

I like this story. It seems to be fairly well paced, and the protagonist isn't an unlikable dummkopf.

Meh not a bad little story just moved a bit to quick for my taste though

5137430 I agree. 1 chapter down, more to go.
Hope you can maintain this quality of writing all the way though.

Pacing is the biggest problem I see. You have an idea, and you run with it. In your mind you have these cool plot points you want to get to, so the parts inbetween just fly by. Need to watch that, slow it down a bit.

Oh my goodness, someone read too much Twilight. Or something. Because all these words really feel like they were written by a teenager. Hell, this is how I used to write.
Which is a compliment... I guess. I mean hey, you're IN CHARACTER! I can't very well criticize you for that!
But it doesn't make the protagonist easy to stomach for me. I still remember how much I detested Holden Caulfield when I had to read Catcher In The Rye (required English class reading).
My only potential future criticism is how you'll handle Sunset's interactions with this Anon here. Because... Sunset Shimmer, fall for this guy? BAHAHAHAAAA!! You might as well try to make me believe that she'd fall for me back when I was 17. :rainbowlaugh:
So, your mission, Author! :rainbowdetermined2: Make me believe that Sunset Shimmer would want anything to do with this guy! :rainbowwild:

5138439

I zoned out of most of my English Class, ironically writing... I did pay attention with Catcher in the Rye though because I thought it'd be cool to read a book that supposedly lead to someone being shot. And then I opened the book... This is beside the point.

I'm getting a very Caulfield vibe from this dude as well (Like 'CRAWWWLING IN MY SKIIIN!' levels), I hope SS knocks some sense into him though....

ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!

5137660 Oh, you know, just checking in, see how you're doing.

Ha... Oh man, so much teenager vibes! All he thinks about is himself, and all of that is about his body and physical reactions. "I'm sweating, I'm nervous, I'm nauseus, I'm stumbling, my legs, my head, my hair, my headache, my my my me me me..." SO TEENAGER!! :rainbowlaugh:
So, I simultaneously hate this protagonist, and also applaud you for being on the mark.
And there is NO F'ING WAY our main girl is this sweet and kind. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that Sunset is simply trying absurdly hard to be what she thinks is a good person. :rainbowhuh:
If it turns out that you're deliberately writing Sunset to be a nice kind remorseful girl in need of Anon's sensitive comforting --my worst fear for this story-- I am going to downvote this story SO HARD. I'd be like "Argh why can't I downvote more than once~?!?!!" :twilightangry2:
Onwards to chapter 3! :rainbowdetermined2:
5137415
Ha. With stories like these... If there still isn't a name by chapter 2, you're pretty safe just calling him Anon.
Anon, the most hated man in all of FiMfiction.

A nice sweet story. Glad I read it. Any chance of a squeal in the future?

That was good, really good. I don't normally read Romance, but I can call them pretty well. Take a fave and some applause.

Had she really wanted to talk to me as desperately as I wanted to with her?

No, boy. Who you kidding? :ajbemused:
And this, is what we call the unreliable narrator. It'll be on the test.

5138044
I guess you like Holden Caulfield 2.0
I guess this story is kind of a sadomasochistic guilty pleasure for me. Spending nights thinking about nothing but a girl... man, that takes me back. :moustache:

It's okay, but the pacing is kinda rushed, while the dialogue is kinda blocky and weird too. Still a bit interesting though.

~Crystalline Electrostatic~

“I’m sure you’ve heard what happened…” she leaned in close to my ear as if to tell a secret. “It’s all true; she is some kind of monster,”

I was utterly shocked when I was asked at lunch by Sunset if I was willing to have her over after school.

Wait, what?
Let me rephrase that: WUT?
This is after less than 10k words, or a week of fic time in high school? With a nerdy unimpressive guy? See, vampires can do that, because they want to get to it already and bite you. Girls do not do that. Not unless you're a teenage Hemsworth, or she's a tramp, or this is some kind of harem anime.
Oh, and Sunset Shimmer would be an A+++ student in Math. She's most likely already post-graduate level if not higher. Arithmancy is a thing in Equestrian magic. We see Twilight Sparkle working on it. Being a student of Celestia, Sunset is just as smart.
My mouse is hovering dangerously close towards the Thumb-Down button. But you got the teenage vibe down so well you should know what you're doing. I'll give you the benefit of the--

I had never expected to see Sunset in pajamas, even on an occasion like that.

What. The. FffbvfvvfUUU?
>8-U
Wait, so, she's standing outside his house. In pajamas. In front of the sidewalk. "Giggling nervously." Sunset Shimmer.
And she got to his house in bedroom slippers? How does that work? What, she lives next door? What a coindidink.

“I always end up sleeping better with someone else. I don’t know what it is exactly… maybe the extra warmth… or just knowing that I have someone else by my side.”

EXACTLY WHAT AM I READING HERE?
Where's the "OOC Wet Dream" tag?

This story seems to me kinda like a shameless self-insert.

5138931
Sunset Shimmer does currently hold best pony level on my scale, and she would be a suitable waifu, but nah. If it was self insert his name would be Dreamscape and he'd be writing a lot.

Well written.
Man makes me reminisce about Red Thrush High School, though that kinda got sucked into the void.
Gotta dig around for a copy of that.

I watched as tears streamed down Sunset’s face

She's not gonna cry for you, Holden 2.0

That's the problem I'm having with this fic. We're given no reason why a beautiful girl would suddenly be interested in some ordinary nerdy awkward 17 y/o newcomer, nvm the girl being Sunset Shimmer. We're not shown why he is worth her time of day.
Oh right, because she feels she doesn't fit in? Except that's a reason for being angsty, not a reason for liking some new guy out of the blue. He's not the only teenager in a high school to feel adjustment problems.

I haven't seen Rainbow Rocks yet, but I already know that even though it will do a lot of things right, the one thing it will do wrong is having Sunset make her heel-face turn too easily. Sure, Sunset faces external obstacles to redemption... but her internal desire for redemption is too complete. Suddenly she's all nice and considerate, with not a residual mean streak remaining. DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. But it's a kids' cartoon movie so we let it slide; we're ecstatic enough that SS isn't just a cameo.

And then your fic takes that borderline-OOC Sunset from Rainbow Rocks, and twists her into unbelievability by further making her Anon's little woobie. This is not Sunset Shimmer anymore. This is just some hot girl who's sorry for doing something that she never would have done if she was Sunset Shimmer.

As for Anon... here's what I kind of learned from Fate/ Stay Night: If I don't feel as if I could like/love a guy, I'm not going to believe the beautiful female main could either. Shirou may not be much of a looker, but the strength of his goodness and his compatibility with Saber made me believe that she would wholeheartedly love him. OTOH, Shia Labouf sucks in every movie. If you want me to believe in the ordinary guy getting the beautiful girl, you gotta be able to SELL IT. The dynamic has to be equal.

... Oh, the story is over? Time for the score!
Pro: Skillfully captures the mind of a teenager. I have serious PTSD flashbacks of reading Catcher In The Rye. It's like a real teenager wrote it!
Con: It's like a real teenager wrote it!

5139007

I didn't wanna say that your story is all that bad, but the development of it is WAY too fast.

Can't say its good or bad, but I enjoyed it. Its not often you get to read fanfics involve with Sunset so I give this thumbs up.

5139207 Kinda agree with him on that. Little TOO quick, but still, a nice story.

This was an awesome story! A little quick, but I loved it nonetheless. I've been looking for a story like this on FIMFiction for Celestia knows how long; the reader becomes friends with Sunset Shimmer, they later develop romantic feeling for each other, and finishes with a happy ending. I would love to see a sequel in the near future. :twilightsmile:

Stay brony, my friend :moustache:

5138534
Oh, okay, then yeah, I'm doing fairly well.

5140270 Doing good, school's going well.

so... any continuations planned at all?

I found a very minor thing you may want to edit.

“Don’t want to talk about it? Makes since, it’s not like you know me well enough to say something like that. Anyways, this is your English class,”

This is so funny!! Haha!! It's really beautiful. In the reality of things. imagine this sitution:

"So do you have a girlfriend?"

"Ya"

"What's she like?"

"She's a pony from another dimension"

"That's nice"

It was my senior year of high school, and I had always been under the comforting impression that I’d be graduating with the same students I had attended kindergarten with, with the exception of those that moved elsewhere. Suddenly though, not even midway through the school year, everything was turned upside down, and I was heading to a small town that I had never heard of before.

Bro, you have no idea how much of a coincidence this is, because I just moved to Canada during senior year and won't be graduating with the same students I've known for all my life.

“You don’t have to act like that!” my mother snapped; I could see her enraged glare through the cracks of light between my fingers. I wanted desperately to release all of the pint up anger that was raging from within me, but knew I was unable to; it wasn’t her fault. My stepfather was the one with the career that required moving. I felt warm tears beginning to wet my hands and tried my best not to sob.

pent

“No… it’s fine a mumbled,” giving her a sheepish smile as I awkwardly brushed my hand against the back of my head. “I’m just tired and feeling a bit off.”

I mumbled

Hey another story about Sunset with that title altought this one is obviously totally different in tone to mine :pinkiehappy: Funny coincidence
Looks very interesting, I´ll keep it to read later.

Which is worse: finding out the girl you like used to be a guy, or finding out the girl you like used to be a horse?

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