- Member Since 2nd Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 5th, 2017
Destroyer76
If my life was a movie, it would be "Ed Wood". Blissfully creating for the fun of it.
Destroyer76
Joined 2nd Aug, 2014 ·
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Dear Author.
Ehhh, it felt rather rushed. I've definitely seen worse one shots but as far as this one goes, it's alright.
Sincerely Yours, The Cake Devil.
5226242 Thanks for the feed back! I was afraid of the rushed feeling, but I was mostly focusing on the sex part. It's no excuse, but I feel it shows where I went wrong. I will definitely keep that in mind.
5226467 Hey, there's nothing wrong with finding something sexy! If I can entertain anyone (or at least interest them), then that's a good day in my book, doesn't matter who they are.
For being your first fanfiction, I must admit it was pretty damn good. And it is now one of my personal favorite one-shots. Well done.
And this song made the mood for me.
5226710 Thanks for the compliment! Funny enough, when I was writing this story, I imagined either this, or (more seriously) this playing in the background.
Besides from a few gramme mistakes, this was a very good start! Very well done!
There is one complain, but it´s nothing against you, it´s an overall problem with clopfics: this...NEED to say that "her breasts are D cup"..."her breasts are a solid A cup"...her breasts are this, are that...just say how beautifull they are !!! Describe the format, the colours, the scent, frak, describe evberything, but everytime someone writes those frakked words all i can see is someone trying to sell me lingerie so i give it as a present to my wife. It ütterly destroys and banishes any sexual mood immediatly !!!!! Heck, who look at a woman breast and think like that !?!? Usually i think they are beautifull, big, roundy, pointy, lot of things...the last thing that cross my mind is "oh, wow, is she a C or a D
?".
Sorry, i don´t want to offend, but that thing destroyed more good clop stories then anything else i ever read.
5227455 No, that's actually a good point. I feel that using tangible examples, like saying her breasts are a certain cup size, gives the reader a solid image but also gives them the freedom to put in any details they want. While this is kind of a cop-out in most stories, I feel it works in second-person erotic fiction, putting the reader in a situation can feel better if they have some leeway on what's going on. I understand how it can be a turn-off though, your example being more personal but still true. Still, thanks for the comment and the analysis!
5226465
5226479
Dear Alipopsie and Raparaptor.
The only question is, that between the two of you. How on earth did neither of you see the very first, and by far most prominent flaw on this entire fic.
My actual reaction:
Sincerely Yours, The Cake Devil.
P.S. My apologies if I seem a bit ass holish, it's just...I can't explain how fast my mood picked up after reading that.
This was flawless! :D 100% perfection!
A bit rushed, could've been fleshed out more but all in all, not bad at all. We don't see too many half-decent EQG fics on here so good on ya.
5228132 You don't seem like an asshole at all. You not only pointed out my grammatical errors, which I was desperately searching for, but you gave me a good laugh too! I've been revising this all day, so any help is much obliged. *Tips hat*
5228132 so it wasn't just me who noticed that right off the bat?
5226710 Code name mah boi, if this is a fic you rank highly on your clop list, I implore you, dig deeper into this site, and find your hidden and unknown diamonds within the dirt.
...
Uh, no offense Rapa. All I know is that little me was not pleased.
Well, I've heard from popular porn writers on this site that while in normal stories you want to keep details low enough to not overwhelm the reader, porn stories are apparently the opposite case. Maybe that's it.
5229809 I'm sorry to hear that. Was there anything else you didn't like beyond the details, and was the issue that there were too many or not enough? I'm looking for more criticisms then praise here, so a negative opinion is just as useful as a positive one!
Haven't read the story, but wanted to share an amusing coincidence on the front page.
i539.photobucket.com/albums/ff355/kaberinnaul/frontpagejuxtaposition.png
(and yes I'm posting this on both of them)
He got the girl!!! And on the first try! Brothers a moment of triumph for us all though let us not forget those fellow sunbros whom have fallen into darkness (friend zone).
5229831 Alright, well...
The relationship between the protagonist (I'll just call him Anon) and Rarity. The story does a good job of showing their positive acquaintanceship, but doesn't do much of anything to show why it's worth caring about.
To be more clear, is this supposed to be a high school fuck fling, or the start of a long meaningful life relationship? I get the feeling the latter was aimed for, but it doesn't get past the former, what with physical attractions being the only thing Anon praises, save for part of one line about her generosity, just before sex ensues.
If they're supposed to be romantically passionate characters, I would say you'd have to show what they would do for each other. A scene, or explanation showing Anon's care for Rarity goes beyond just her body/ wanting to get laid by her.
I'll pull up an example: There's an Anon X Coco Pummel clopfic. They meet at a dinner party both are forced to, they screw in a closet after sharing a moment of insecurities, sperm is spilled successfully.
But then after their moment together, Anon helps Coco to not only gain courage and quit her current terrible boss, but vouch for her on a new job with Rarity. ("Hot Coco", by The Story Man)
That ending scene showed proof that Anon had feelings for Coco beyond that for her vag, and to be case specific, would even be willing to lead her to a brighter future for herself.
That scene makes our view of their relationship higher than mere sex, and thus we care about their legitimately proper romance.
No such scene or moment in this story, beyond "Oh, and you're generous too, I guess."
Do you know what I mean? I think this was attempted with the theatre scene in this story, but that didn't show anything to imply a deeper love was present. If anything, it's seeming lack of long term importance reinforces the high school fling theme I mentioned earlier.
And that's why my higher thinking was playing games while I read through this.
Little me was snoring on the couch during the sex scenes, but you seem to be aware of the issues with that part.
Despite all that, this is hardly the worst clop I've read.
Wow
For your first story...
This is absolutely incredible!
And you should feel damn proud of yourself Mr. / Ms. Author
AMAZING! What else do you need me to say?
5230141 Thank you once again for the criticism! I think I've already said this, but my focus was on writing an erotic fiction. I was rushing to the sex part because that was my was my focus, but since I did put that date scene I should have developed it more. I did want to have romantically linked characters who's relationship seemed to work before the sex, but I did use mostly vapid cliches to, once again, get straight to the sex. Either way, I will definitely take all of this into consideration whenever I'm writing.
Very nice, you hit all the points on my good story checklist: sexy, human, romantic, believable characters, and well written. All things considered you're very good at writting flop and I hope you'll continue.
Well written. I'm going to add this to a hidden bookshelf in which I add all the best NSFW stories. Well done.
May I shamelessly request the cover art source?
5235665 I should probably add this to the description, but the artist is ZantyARZ. He did a whole series of pics involving he mane six in sexy poses, but his art is great in general! Also thank you for the compliment!
This is written by a virgin.
5237322 Excellent observation, anything else to add?
This was a good read, a bit rushed but good for a first story. Honestly you could easily extend this as a story, maybe add a few more chapters explaining what happens when they go off to college, and use it to show how much it can hurt to be so far from the one you love. Other than that, I enjoyed this. Great job.
Quite rushed, but it's not too bad.
Also...
CCCCCCUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM
I think it was a great story, a bit rushed yet fairly realistic in the thoughts.
AWSOME!!l
Nice story, but there's a very minor thing you may want to edit.
That should either be "in Manehatten" or "at Manehatten university" or some such thing.
In the cover art her eye is over her hair
wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/0/0f/Meet_the_Heavy_SFM.png/550px-Meet_the_Heavy_SFM.png?t=20120814063836
Had to do it
Okey this was HOT!!!
HOLY CRAP
Krieg the Psycho likes the sound of this film.
Another Fic where you've been good friends with Rarity, and you pop the question. And it ends in secks...
cdn4.teen.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/aladdin-merchant.gif
Ah! Still good!