• Published 12th Oct 2014
  • 20,457 Views, 1,660 Comments

You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter - Tatsurou



The Ghost of Sparta has his hands full raising the Element of Laughter.

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Divine Policy

Pinkie Pie bounced happily along through the halls of Mount Olympus, not a care in her mind. For the first time in her life here in Greece, there wasn't anything hanging over her head as far as what she had to do. As she danced, she went down a list in her mind of everything she had accomplished.

She had kept her promise to her Daddy. Kratos smiled almost constantly now as he watched over his Spartans, expanding the empires of Greece and bringing glory to his name and that of Olympus. Between that, the various entertainments he had on Olympus, and the occasional hop down to the lands below to join the battle on a mortal scale for the thrill, he was truly content. The last of his nightmares had finally faded.

She had kept her promise to her sister. She now lived in Sparta, the living avatar of the new God of War, bringing courage and glory to the soldiers under her command. There were some rumors about other things she brought the soldiers under her command, but Pinkie had long ago decided that as long as Calliope was happy, her love life was none of Pinkie's business. Kratos had been uncertain how to face this side of Calliope, so he did what many fathers in ancient Greece did when confronted with their daughters' sexual nature: pretended it didn't exist, refused to discuss it, and - taking advantage of his godly status - bribed Artemis to ensure that Calliope wouldn't get pregnant until she was married, and then saved his attention for any soldiers that tried to court Calliope for more than a night of fun after an exciting battle.

She had kept her promise to her Uncle. He now lived primarily in the city of Sparta, which was now far more glorious than it had been what with all the wealth and glory Calliope brought back from her battles. Deimos was currently the High Warrior Priest, caretaker of the Temple to Kratos that had been built to glorify the new God of War. The Temple of Ares was no longer visited, but nor was it demolished or looted, out of respect to the other gods. It was a little bit awkward for Deimos to serve in a Temple to his own brother, but he managed it admirably.

She had also kept her promise to her grandmother. Callisto now lived in the Temple of Kratos in Sparta. She was still restricted from leaving the temple, but she now spent her days badgering Deimos about finding a bride and giving her more grandchildren, and badgering Calliope about finding a husband to give her great-grandchildren. It hadn't been that difficult to talk Zeus around. Pinkie had managed it by promising to cater all future meetings of the Gods of Olympus for as long as she lived on Olympus. That had won Zeus over immediately...as soon she explained what 'catering' was.

And she knew for certain she'd kept her promise to Hades and Persephone. Last she'd heard, they were living happily together on their island hideaway, and Persephone was even pregnant. This was wondrous news for all of Greece and Olympus, and probably the reason why spring had run extra long this year. Winter had ended six months ago, but it was still Spring. The news that she was planning to change her name - to Palu-something, last Pinkie heard - hadn't been greeted as well, but the other gods had accepted it. They were also all looking forward to the birth - and naming - of her son when he was born.

All in all, Greece and Olympus were at peace, and nothing seemed to be causing problems. Pinkie was quite happy with this situation, as it meant everyone would be happy. She liked it when everyone was smiling. Without even being aware of it, she found herself humming a song about it.

It was as she reached the more somber part of the song's tune that she was distracted by the sounds of a heated argument. Confused, she sought out the source, and found Artemis and Hestia in a heated debate over something that she couldn't quite make sense of. However, she wasn't about to let it go on further. She knew what arguments between the gods led to when left unchecked. They led to the kind of things that made Kratos a god, and she didn't want to go through all that again. "Stop it!" she shouted, forcing the two apart, stretching her limbs to put them at opposite sides of the hallway. "No fighting!"

"But she-" Artemis began.

"But she-" Hestia countered.

"No!" Pinkie snapped. "No more fighting! No more using mortals to settle disputes! No more feuds that destroy lives!" She took a deep breath. "Meeting Time!" she bellowed, her voice a good impression of a certain Moon deity she didn't remember she'd already befriended.


As Kratos walked into the main meeting hall of Olympus, he found it amusing how easily Pinkie had managed to wrap the entire pantheon around her hoof. One shout of meeting time from her and every god had dropped what they were doing to tromp to the meeting hall, taking their seats on their thrones surrounding the central table. He did notice that, instead of the usual solid table that was there, there was now a ring wrapping around in front of each seat, a ring of stone just inside that Pinkie was running around on, a pit full of dirt, and a podium hovering over the pit.

Pinkie banged a gavel on the podium. "I call this meeting to order!" she began.

"You aren't a god!" Apollo complained. "What right do you have to-"

"Behave or no snacks for you!" Pinkie shouted, pointing from him to a table full of cupcakes and her other sweet confections suspended above the podium. Apollo immediately took his seat, and every other god and goddess present also quieted their objections.

Kratos couldn't help but smirk. So that was how Pinkie had all the gods wrapped up so neatly. She had a leash on all of them connected directly to their stomachs.

Seeing Pinkie's pouting glower towards him, he smoothed the smug smirk off his face. Then again, he probably wasn't that different from them. She had a leash on him, too, even if it was anchored a bit higher up his body.

Pinkie then addressed the assembled. "Gods and Goddesses, there is a problem. Your egos." She banged her gavel again for silence. "You are all Gods and Goddesses, this is true. However, you all are also immature spoiled brats who throw a temper tantrum whenever you don't get your own way." When this statement caused Hades to burst into laughter, she banged her gavel on his skull to make him stop. "Now, if you were mortals, this wouldn't cause too much in the way of problems...but you're gods. When you throw a temper tantrum, you threaten the very weft of creation and the safety of all the mortal realms, not to mention the peace of Olympus.

"However, using mortals to settle disputes creates things like my Daddy." She gestured to where Kratos sat. "Considering what I've heard about various prophecies regarding him, I'm pretty sure nobody here wants to go through that again." The whole gathered throng laughed and nodded at that. Pinkie certainly knew how to work this crowd. "However, I think I've come up with a solution.

"It is true that the Gods of Olympus aren't allowed to make war on one another, for just the reasons I've stated," she explained. "But what about some form of competition between any arguing gods that wouldn't threaten anything, would be fun both to participate in and observe, and wouldn't risk anyone getting hurt?" She turned to Zeus. "Would that be acceptable?"

Zeus raised an eyebrow. "Pinkie, if you have come up with such a solution to conflicts, by all means speak it."

Grinning hugely, Pinkie pressed a button on the podium that dumped a flood of water into the pit of dirt beneath her. "Mud wrestling!"

Everyone stared at her for a time. Eventually, Hades and Athena spoke up, expressing the majority of opinions in response to this suggestion.

"What?" Athena asked.

"Oh, my!" Hades purred.

Pinkie gestured to the pit that was now filled with mud. "Mud wrestling. Any time two gods get into a disagreement, they settle it by wrestling each other in the mud. No god powers, no armor, and no killing. The wrestling goes on until one of them gives up, or one manages through skill despite the viscosity of the mud to keep their opponent pinned for a duration of time to be agreed upon before the match starts. No assistance from the other gods, partisanship is to be shown by betting on who you think will win, with the spoils being divided evenly between all who bet on the winner, and all wagers are to be of equal value."

"Let me get this straight," Hades spoke up. "From now on, anytime any two of us get into a disagreement, we strip down, climb into a pit of mud, and wrangle our firm, toned, sweaty, naked, dirty bodies against each other until one of us can't take it anymore or establishes absolute dominance? And everyone not fighting sits around, placing bets, and enjoying the show?" He rubbed his hands together as he cackled wickedly. "Oh, Pinkie, you always come up with the most delicious ideas! ...but does it have to be mud?"

"Well, I could see my way to accepting jello or scented oils as substitutes for mud," Pinkie replied, "as long as they meet the base viscosity requirements. The whole point is for the slipperiness of the skin to negate any advantages of strength to put everyone on an even playing field."

Hades glanced around the god table. "Plainly, I'm not the only one who likes this idea," he chortled, noticing several of his fellow deities actually drooling at the concept.

"I even have a conflict to start it off with!" Pinkie proclaimed. "Artemis, Hestia, I don't know what you were fighting about, but settle it...in Smush!" she proclaimed, pointing to the mud pit.

As many of the gods drooled as the two virgin goddesses stripped down before climbing into the mud, Hades chortled. "Oh Pinkie...you are such a treat!"

Pinkie giggled happily as she passed out refreshments as the pantheon watched on. Plainly, this idea of hers would work out just fine.