• Published 12th Oct 2014
  • 3,852 Views, 518 Comments

DayBreak - MyHobby



After an attempt is made on Celestia's life, Twilight Sparkle must assemble a team to track down the assassin and bring her to justice. Danger awaits as they delve into the origins of both the attacker and alicorns.

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The Aftermath

Homecoming

A carriage rumbled through the roads north of Manehattan. The taxi driver glanced back at his payload, which had been silent since the trip began.

Care Carrot leaned out the window, watching the familiar landscape slide past. Rolling farmlands lay patchwork white in the wintery ground. There was a dormant cornfield. Wheat grew across the road. In the fall, the hills were orange with pumpkins.

The driver stopped at the end of a long, dirt driveway. He nodded back to her. “Manehattan Carrot Farm.”

Care opened the door and shuffled through her pockets for bits. After a moment’s thought, she pulled out a silver piece for the tip.

The driver took the varied change with a smile. “Thank you kindly, ma’am. Have a happy holidays!”

“You, too.” Her hooves crunched gravel as she walked. The farmhouse was at the top of the hill, as picturesque as it ever was. Light shone in the windows, the small candles being the only decoration needed to make it beautiful and festive. A hint of the ornamented pine tree peeked through the living room window.

She climbed onto the porch. The boards creaked in all the familiar places, alongside a few new noisy patches. She stood before the door, chewing the inside of her cheek, before knocking three times.

The door was answered by a small earth pony colt. He gazed at her with suspicion. When she smiled at him, he gasped and slammed the door. She heard him running through the house, shouting “Care’s here! Care’s here!”

There was a thump as somepony stubbed their hoof. Care took a step back and listed to muffled voices asking him why he didn’t let her in. The door handle jiggled and turned.

She found herself facing two earth ponies, a stallion and a mare. The stallion’s droopy mustache shook. The mare dabbed her eyes with her shawl.

Care smiled nervously. “Mom? Dad?”

They surged forward and enveloped Care with a firm hug. She nuzzled up against them, letting herself breathe a sigh of relief. She opened her eyes and sucked on her lip. “I… I have a lot to tell you guys.”

They let her come inside, where it was warm and cozy. The little colt stood firm, blocking her path. “You’re late for supper!”

Care ruffled his mane. “I missed you, too, Sprout.”

She was greeted by her sisters next, one older and one younger, with firm yet unsure hugs. The six of them sat around the table, with Hearth’s Warming supper laid out in all its glory.

They listened intently as Care relayed her story. She watched as various expressions flitted over their faces. Sorrow, anger, fear, unease, but always with a little happiness hovering along the edges. Her older sister tensed when she was hurt. Her younger sister laughed at Daring’s antics. Her little brother Sprout cheered when she battled Hurricane. Her father teared up when she spoke of her knighting, while her mother cried openly.

At the end of her tale, she wasn’t sure what else to say. So they didn’t say anything—they just sat together, enjoying being together. It didn’t take long for Sprout to get restless and strongly suggest they do something fun.

Care’s father told him to get his violin, while Care’s older sister sat at the family piano. Sprout was a novice player, the piano was out of tune, and nobody had much talent for singing.

To Care’s ears, it still sounded pretty darn good.

“When the snow begins falling
And days become shorter
Hope hovers like dust in the air

“Then family comes calling
To wood, brick, and mortar
But home can be found everywhere”

***

Offspring

The iron, enchanted cell door crashed closed behind Caution. He looked back with his one good eye, giving a fiery glare to the prison guard. “Oi can walk by myself, thankee.”

The guard scowled and disappeared down the hall, into the glare of the light.

Caution brushed himself off. The floor was swamped with dust. The walls were covered with odd little symbols, carved by previous inmates. A single, solitary, barred window lay above him, letting in the sunlight. Closer inspection revealed that it was actually an artificial lamp; he was too far underground for the light to penetrate.

“Welcome to the ninth circle of hell,” said a voice from across the hall.

Caution peered through his bars. A donkey jack lay in the other cell. He wore a purple robe with a thin gold belt. One of his rear legs was missing.

“Aspen the Alliterative?” Caution muttered. “How did you end up in a pony prison?”

“Lightninggale has no prisons secure enough to hold traitors.” Aspen leaned back in his cot. He slurped from a bowl in his hooves. “Therein lies the bitter irony.”

The donkey squinted. “Why are you here? I suppose it has something to do with the attack on Celestia.”

Caution ground his hoof into the cold stone floor. “Somethin’ like that.”

“Hmm.” Aspen glanced into his empty bowl and tossed it across the room. “I half-expected the perpetrators of that crime would have been sent straight to Tartarus.”

“Tartarus is for immortals.” Caution thumped down on his bed. He stared at the dark little corner where the toilet and sink lay. “The people they send here are slightly more temporary inmates.”

“Oh, of course,” Aspen said. “We’re only here for life.”

Caution leaned against the wall. He was content to stay silent, but Aspen spoke up. “I thought I recognized you,” he said. “You can tell a lot about a person by their hat… even when they no longer wear it. You were one of Celestia’s bodyguards.”

Caution laughed. “You c’n tell so much about me, except for the fact that oi don’t wanna listen to your horseapples.”

“I have to find some way to amuse myself in Solitaire.”

“Then amuse yerself quietly.” Caution put his hooves behind his head. He scratched an itch on the tip of his nose.

Aspen’s bed groaned. The donkey scrambled across it, pulling up the sheets. “Oh my—”

Caution rolled his eyes. “What are you on about now?”

Further complains died deep in Caution’s chest. In the hallway, between the two cells, right underneath a bright lamp, there was a black, writhing, growing shadow. Tendrils snaked around the bars. Whispering voices tickled his ears. A strong sense of cold pervaded the prison.

Caution stood up and jumped immediately to the bars. “Did you find her? Did you bring her? Where is she?”

The blob of darkness shrunk in on itself, taking solid form. It shifted into the shape of a pony—a gray coat was covered with a plain, black suit. It placed a boater hat on its head. “Caution. Pleasant to see you.”

“Where is she?” Caution pressed his face against the iron. “You promised you would find her!”

“Yes, yes, we’ve all made promises.” The pony smiled politely. “Yourself included.”

Caution opened his mouth. He swallowed hard. “I did as you asked. I let Hurricane get through. Later, I even shut off Celestia’s life support for you. She died.”

“But she is not dead.” The gray pony shrugged. “Does it really count if it didn’t take?”

Caution reached for the pony. It backed away, waving him off. “Whoa, whoa,” it said. “Ask a simple, easy question…”

It glanced back at Aspen. ”Hi. Be seeing you later.”

Aspen hid behind his cot.

“Listen. Listen to me.” The pony tapped its forehead and kept its eyes on Caution. “The Unseelie Court agrees that you did indeed fulfill part of your obligation. In turn, we agreed that we should fulfill part of ours.”

Caution sat down, gripping the bars. “Which part?”

“We agreed to find and deliver the mare you love.” The pony lifted his hooves to one side, and then carried them to the other. “You promised to injure and kill Celestia. Well, you injured her, so we found her. It’s fairly equivalent.”

Caution let his head droop. “Where is Aria?”

“A land far from Equestria. Basically unreachable.” The pony tilted its head up. “Unless the sirens succeed in their plans.”

Caution shut his eyes tight. He stomped the floor.

The pony dug through his suit pocket. “I did have something to give you. Evidence that we did indeed find her. One of her letters.”

Caution blinked. He pressed his teeth together. “Letters to who?”

“To you, of course.” The pony let out a light chuckle. “She never got up the nerve to send them, it seems. They are rather sweet.”

“Give it here!” Caution leaped up. He held his hoof out desperately. “Please. Give me something of her.”

The pony dangled the page from his hoof. Caution snatched it away with a hasty swipe.

He pulled the paper close. It was unmistakably her looping mouthwriting. It was obviously unfinished, not even a draft. Just thoughts and scribbles. There were three variations of “Dear Caution” at the beginning. Most of the body of the text was crossed out and blotted. Random song lyrics dotted the margins.

But it was hers.

Caution pressed it against his chest. He let out a harsh breath. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

The gray pony bared its teeth in a slick smile. “I hope you enjoy every last word.”

Caution’s eyes trailed across the page, picking out individual words and phrases. He stopped. His eyes widened.

Caution I love— I wanted to tell you— We were going to have— I got pregnant.

“How long have you two been separated?’ The gray pony cupped its chin. “Nearly eighteen years? I wonder if that means anything.”

Caution’s breath came in short, gasping stops. He found other words among the scribbles. Daughter showed up three times. Left her. Wanted to tell you. Scared. Left her. Abandoned. Alley. Gone. Left her.

The gray pony giggled. He faded away into shadow. “I hope you two are very happy together.”

“I have a daughter?” Caution looked up at the pony. “I’m a father?

The pony didn’t answer. He vanished piece by piece, until nothing was left but his sparkly-white grin.

“You have to explain this!” Caution rattled the bars of his cell. “Take me to her! Take me!

Caution grabbed his cot and ripped it out of the wall. It hit the iron bars with a resounding clang. “Where is my love? Where is my daughter?

“Guards!” Aspen screamed. “Help! Guards!

The guards stormed down the hallway. One shot a dart into Caution’s cell, hitting him right in the neck. Sedatives flowed through the powerful earth pony, relaxing his muscles and clouding his mind. “Aria!”

He collapsed onto his side. The guards opened the cell and tied him up in a straightjacket. Caution’s head lolled. “Aria…”

He lay with his cheek against the cement floor. He stared at the letter, with guards restraining him all the while. He glared. “Aria… why didn’t you tell me?”

The final word on the letter, hidden beneath chicken scratch and spilled ink, could barely be made out. Caution was familiar with the word. He had seen it. He had been there. He knew ponies from the place.

Ponyville.

“Oi’ll find her, Aria,” Caution whispered. “Oi’ll make this right. Oi swear oi’ll make this right.”

***

Alliance

Seabreeze decided he was spending far too much time in Beefland; the land of giant, klutzy minotaurs and their enormous, rampant biceps. If he wasn’t dodging hooves he was tumbling out of control from some loser’s uncontrolled sneeze. Up ahead, he saw the least annoying of the species: President Mangle. The massive minotaur politician ran his fingers through his beard, looking over some paperwork that Seabreeze couldn’t care less about if he tried.

“Vhee hev a situation,” Seabreeze said, trying to parse the ugly, unwieldy, slow language of Equish. “And vhee need to discuss it now!”

“You’re telling me?” Mangle let the next year’s budget flop to the table. “First Celestia gets attacked, then it seems like everybody’s getting assassinated, and now you wanna tell me there was a minor war in Equestria? What in the name of all things beefy is going on?”

“Vhat happened vhas exactly vhat vhee vhere afraid of.” Seabreeze landed and paced across the length of Mangle’s desk. “Celestia made a poor decision and paid the price. Vhee hev all been in danger ever since! Vhat can vhee do to prevent the vherld from gooing oop in flames?

Mangle tapped the tips of his fingers against the budget. His massive chest muscles expanded with a strong breath. “I think there’s only one thing we can do…”

“Really?” Seabreeze fluttered up and bopped Mangle on the nose. “Then please, share vheeth the audience vhat is so obvious!”

“If Celestia falls again,” Mangle said, “we have to be ready to take control of the sun.”

“Th—Take control oof—” Seabreeze floated gently to the desk. “Great Scott.”

“This is beefy,” Mangle said. He pressed his palms together with all his might. “But it’s gotta be done. If Celestia loses control of the sun, all that stands between the world and eternal darkness is…”

“An ex-psycho, a librarian, and a supermodel.” Seabreeze scratched his head. “Is Cadenza a supermodel, or is she joost that pretty?”

“Out of the three, I give Cadenza the most credit.” Mangle shrugged shoulders the size of one pony each. “I mean, she’s the one who’s an actual politician.”

He pressed three fingers against his forehead. “Whatever. We’re getting off-track. Point is, we gotta find out how ponies control the sun, and then try to replicate that effect with what we have.”

Seabreeze slapped a hoof to his face. “And eyew make it sound sooo easy.”

“Well, it’s simple, not easy.”

Seabreeze sat down. He flicked his curly mane back and steadied himself, finding his center with an easy breath. He smiled up at Mangle. “Ookay. Ookay. Say eyew’re noot crazy. Say I go along weeth thees madness. Vhere vhould vhee start?”

Mangle blinked. He blinked again. He blinked some more.

Seabreeze leaped up with a shout. “Eyew already deed soomthing, deedn’t eyew? Deedn’t eyew? Eyew deed soomting stoopid!”

“Calm down, beef bro,” Mangle said, raising his hands in defense. “I didn’t do anything without thinking it through. The help sort of just… plopped into my lap. In a way. Metaphorically.”

“Eyew are a living oxymoron!” Seabreeze crossed his forelegs. “Emphasis on moron.”

“You don’t even know what my help is.”

“I know it’s stoopid!”

“You do not!”

“Do too!”

Mangle clapped his hands together. The massive sound silenced them both. He smiled, gritting his teeth almost hard enough to break a tooth. “Come with me, and I can show you I’m not completely crazy.”

“Oh, noo.” Seabreeze settled down on Mangle’s shoulder. “Joost a leetle crazy. That’s all.”

Mangle walked through the Egg, the seat of Beefland politics; the capitol building itself. Windowless hallways and intricately-carved furniture surrounded them on every side. In the deepest part of the building, Mangle brought them to a stop. He fiddled with a ring of keys before unlocking the final door to the innermost room.

“He came to me,” Mangle said, “but the decision to allow his help was mine. I stand by my decision. You can reject it, but I’m gonna go forward with it.”

“I… I trust eyew.” Seabreeze sat and tugged at his tight jumpsuit. “Oopen the door. Let’s hev at thees marvelous idea.”

Mangle pulled the door open. The two of them faced a gigantic chair, one that would dwarf even the beefiest minotaur. There was a creak, a groan, a whine of protest, as the chair swiveled.

Andean Ursagryph gripped the armrests with his sharp talons. “Greetings, gentlecreatures.”

Seabreeze tilted his head. He glanced from the griffon to the minotaur. He stuck his tongue out at Mangle. “Eyew’re an imbecile.”

“No, please, shut the door behind you.” Andean leaned forward. “We have much to discuss, Seabreeze, not the least of which is your alliance with President Mangle behind the scenes.”

Mangle closed and locked the door. “Trust me, Seabreeze. He’s beefy. We need him.”

Seabreeze leveled his eyebrows. He took off and hovered a respectable distance away from the oversized griffon king. “Speak eyewr piece.”

Andean nodded. He clasped his talons and rocked back. “My time in Equestria has taught me many things, and reinforced several preconceived notions. Not the least of which is Celestia’s fallibility.”

“Shocker, shocker,” Seabreeze said.

The griffon king smirked. He tossed a candied strawberry into his beak. “What President Mangle sees, and what I see, is that Celestia does not require a coalition to stand against her, but an alliance to stand ready… in case she fails. That is all I ask, and that is all I intend.”

“Really?” Seabreeze turned up his nose. “Thees, cooming froom the vharlike griffon king?”

Andean let his talons drop to his lap. “There are things more important than glory. There are different sources of honor.”

He looked up at the breezie, his eyes hard. “I have only ever cared for my people, High Pariah Seabreeze. I have only ever wanted what was best for them and my daughters. There is something coming, something far larger than we can comprehend at the moment. Something darker than we dare dream. It haunts my nightmares and foreshadows my every waking moment. Don’t you care for Breezy Bastion? I know you do. It consumes your thoughts. Your family consumes your thoughts.”

He clicked his beak. “And if you’re anything like me, you would do great and terrible things to keep them safe.”

Seabreeze gulped air. “Even take control oof the sun.”

Andean nodded. “Even take control of the sun. If needed.”

Mangle snapped his fingers to get their attention. “But we can’t be ready to raise the sun unless we know how.”

“I had a few ideas about that.” Andean stood up and spread his wings wide. “Have either of your heard of the creature known as Ahuizotl? He has made a few attempts worth investigating.”

***

Empire

The Badlands had a dry heat. Skin turned to leather. Water faded into the dust. Rocks cracked after centuries of being battered with harsh wind. The sun blazed in the sky and chased the lingering shade to the far reached of the world.

Ahuizotl hated it. He much preferred the humidity of the jungle. The comfort of a ready supply of water. The blanket of mist in the morning. The dew collecting on leaves. The green.

He moved with his trademark natural grace over rocks and through crags, seeking any sign of life in the harsh desert. Time was short, he knew. He had to lay the foundations before he was overtaken. There was a secret to be shared and a power to be gained.

He reached the top of a plateau and looked over the valley. There, in the near distance, there lay a series of columns. They tapered to a point near the top, and were dotted with holes. He smiled; he had found them.

His soft paws pattered across the sandstone. The spires loomed overhead like dilapidated mountains. The holes were not entrances, as he had suspected, but merely air holes that led deep into the hives.

Ahuizotl grinned as he came upon a large, crumbling tunnel that led downward. He saw no sentinels, no guardians, no defenders standing ready. He was about to step inside when he chanced a glance upward.

Queen Chrysalis gaped at him, her hollow eye sockets hissing in the wind.

Ahuizotl shuffled a step back and brought the entire scene into view. The changeling queen lay sprawled on the rocks, a long stake thrust through her torso, nailing her to the ground. Her carcass had been polished to a sheen by sandstorms, and her insides had been dried out with the scorching heat. There was nothing left but a hollow shell of the once-proud ruler.

Ahuizotl grimaced. “Perhaps negotiations will not go as smoothly as I suspected.”

He stepped into the cave. The stone turned cool against his footpads. The air turned stale and stifling, with the smell of strange bodies assailing his nostrils. Wind blew into his face at steady intervals, as if he was walking down the throat of an enormous dragon.

The floor fell out from under him.

A slide took him deep into the earth. He grasped at the walls with mighty claws, but he could get no footholds through the thick slime coating. He moved faster and faster as he approached whatever destination the changelings had in store for him.

He bumped his head on an outcropping and crumpled to a halt. He rose swiftly, reaching over his shoulder to grasp the hilt of a curved sword. He snarled and wiped the ooze away from his blue coat.

“You’re going to want to stay still, traveler.”

He froze, obeying the words of the unfamiliar voice. He looked around and found himself the target of several poison-tipped spears, all manned by changeling drones. He released his hilt. “To whom to I have the pleasure of speaking to?”

Hooves clapped. “Lights!”

Bioluminescent fungus growing on the walls and ceiling glowed. Blue light flooded the room, revealing a small army of changelings standing between him and a throne. A queen sat upon the chair, her posture anything but regal. Her legs hung over the armrests, while her head lolled against a pillow.

Her carapace was black, the same as all changelings’. The difference lay in her eyes and mane, both of which were a dirty, unkempt pink. She waved her wings lazily. Her voice was distorted by a buzz in her throat. “You speak to Queen Chrysalis the Second, daughter of Queen Chrysalis the Tyrant. The most important question to me is: Who are you?

Ahuizotl drew himself up. He flicked a glob of slime at the spear bearers. “I am Ahuizotl, Dweller of the Jungle and future God of the Day.”

Chrysalis II lifted her head, her eyelids drooping low on her brow. A smile trailed across her lips. A low giggle escaped her throat.

Ahuizotl set his jaw as she exploded into shrieking laughter.

“What, like—” Chrysalis II sputtered. “Like in the Daring Do books? That Owie—owie… whatever you are?”

A low murmur rolled across the assembled changelings, split between discussing why he was there, and just laughing at him.

Ahuizotl bared his teeth and growled. “I’m surprised you know of the books.”

“We do read, Mister Kittypaws.” Chrysalis II snorted. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am.” He rubbed a blob of slime with the consistency of snot between the fingers on his tail. “I am real. I am powerful. I am Ahuizotl!

The entire changeling congregation broke out into deep belly-laughs.

Ahuizotl pointed at the changeling queen. “Your mother knew of me! She knew that the jungle was my domain! Why else do you think you limped to the Badlands rather than your ancestral home?”

Chrysalis II stopped laughing. She sat up and leaned heavily on the armrests. “Because my mother—” She spat the word. “—was an idiot and a monster. A beast who doomed our entire race with a failed attempt to take control from Celestia.”

Ahuizotl narrowed one eye at a changeling beside him. The bug-like creature bared its fangs at him. He snarled at it. He turned back to the queen and raised a hand. “I am beginning to realize why I found the first Chrysalis in her current state.”

“I slew her,” Chrysalis II said. “It was the only way to stop her suicidal plans.”

She reached out to cup the chin of a changeling beside her throne. The drone closed its eyes and all but purred. “I realize something my mother never did. These creatures are my brothers and sisters. They are family. It is my responsibility to see them to safety.”

She stalked down the steps to her throne, her cloven hooves making crunching sounds on dried mucus. “So remember that, Enemy of Daring Do, while you tell me exactly why you came to us.”

Ahuizotl sat down and held his hands out, showing them to be empty. “Perhaps this talk would be expedited—”

“Expawhat—?” Chrysalis II tilted her head.

Ahuizotl rolled his eyes. “Wouldn’t it be better if we talked without holding weapons at each other’s throats?”

“You first.” Chrysalis II nodded to her soldiers. “Let him drop them.”

Ahuizotl drew his swords and tossed them to the side. He turned slowly, letting her see that he was completely unarmed. “Satisfied?”

She pouted. “Bring him a chair!”

A large, black chair was dragged into the room and placed before the throne. Ahuizotl took a seat while Chrysalis II climbed to her place at the head of the room.

“I have a proposition to make,” Ahuizotl said. “Your people have been in hiding all these years, correct?”

Chrysalis II frowned. “Since the dawn of time.”

“But especially since your mother’s failed attack.”

She winced. “Ancient history.”

“Is it?” Ahuizotl waved his hands around the room. “Look at your people. Do they look prosperous and happy? Do they look as though they live life to the fullest? You are dying out, my queen, and you must do something fast.”

“I am.” Chrysalis II smiled at the changeling assembly before turning a sour glare at Ahuizotl. “I am preparing a group of ambassadors to visit Equestria to directly request a truce.”

“Anti-changeling sentiment is strong in Equestria,” Ahuizotl said. “How far from the border do you think you’ll get before you are slain by a hail of arrows?”

Chrysalis II’s throat bobbed. Her wings flitted behind her back. “Princess Celestia is a reasonable ruler—”

“But she is hardly in charge now.” Ahuizotl clasped his hands together. “She is still weak from the attack. Unwell and unfit. The princesses Luna and… and Mi Amore Cadenza are leading the country while she rests.”

Ahuizotl smiled as Chrysalis II shrunk back. “Aha. So you know the name. The very mare who your mother insulted most grievously during the Siege of Canterlot, ten years ago.”

“Sh-she would understand,” Chrysalis II said, turning her head away. “She understands love.”

“Yes, such as the love she feels for her husband.”

Chrysalis II shut her eyes. A whine escaped her closed mouth.

The changelings with spears crept closer. Ahuzotl didn’t bother to concern himself with them. “Your timing could not be worse, my queen. Do you really think they are ready to forgive such evils as your mother committed? No. Going to them would result in disaster.”

The crowd whispered all around him. Worried faces looked to their queen, while others glared at Ahuizotl with unconcealed hatred.

“Y-you are trying to manipulate me,” Chrysalis II said, licking her lips. “I can taste it in the air.”

“Perhaps.” Ahuizotl shook a finger. “But taste again. Do I not believe the words I speak?”

“You do.” She flashed her fangs at him. “But I remain unconvinced.”

Ahuizotl nodded in understanding. “The road you suggest may work, in the long run. Your people could regain your dignity. Your people could regain their strength. They could be able to show their faces in public once more.”

He stood up and flicked his tail. “Or they could be destroyed. Far more suddenly and finally than your mother could have ever accomplished.”

“You leave Queen Chrysalis alone!” a changeling shouted.

“Yeah, she’d never hurt us!”

“Go home to your stupid jungle, Fuzzylips!”

“Hack up a hairball!”

Ahuizotl roared from deep within his chest. The sound rattled the stones and echoed off the walls. The changelings around him fled, giving him a wide berth.

He smiled. “Now that I have your attention, I have another possible path.”

Chrysalis II shook her head. “If you intend for us to go along with whatever mad scheme you have to fight… Daring Do… I promise I will have no part in it!”

“I have but one intention for myself,” Ahuizotl said, placing a hand on his chest. His tail climbed up, its index finger pointing at the ceiling. “To take control of the sun.”

He smiled at the queen. “But that is not the be-all, end-all. There are prizes for all that assist me in this venture. For you, there is the chance to return the changelings to their former glory.”

Chrysalis II snapped at him. “We never had glory!”

“But you did.” Ahuizotl rubbed his chin. “Or did your mother also neglect to teach you the stories of your history? The mighty changeling empire, the heroes of old, the deeds of mighty creatures. Even now, your ruins decorate the jungles in the north.”

Chrysalis II sighed. He eyes flashed between her subjects and the creature before her. “That is no longer ours. That is no longer what we are, if it ever was. We are creatures hiding in the dark, hoping no one squishes us.”

“Ah, but that is the one thing your mother got right. You are capable of so much more.” Ahuizotl sat in the chair, his smile wide. “And I have the means to give you that power.”

“There is nothing you can—”

“I have found the Spade of Hearts.”

Chrysalis II flared her wings. Her subjects’ voices reached an uproar as objections, happiness, anger, surprise, and fear rolled across them.

“Or,” Ahuizotl said, “at the least, I know where it is.”

The queen shook, her voice vibrating along with her. “You l-lie.”

“Now you know that isn’t true.” Ahuizotl propped his chin on a fist. “I know the location to the secret of the ancient changelings’ power; the dagger used to tear the very magic from ponies. One this is over, and I control the sun, I shall give it to you.”

A predatory grin snaked across his mouth. “Only if you assist me, of course.”

“No, queen!”

“Do it! You have to do it!”

“We need it! It’s our only chance!”

“We can’t become monsters again!”

“Enough!” Chrysalis II stomped her throne. “Shut up, all of you!”

She glared at Ahuizotl. “That dagger is the very symbol of why ponies distrust and hate us. It is the worst of slavery and murder! I shall not allow its use in my kingdom, and I shall not even think about helping anyone who wants it!”

Ahuizotl made one last attempt. “Your hive will—”

“The dagger is something my mother would have used!” Chrysalis II screamed. “I am not my mother!”

He withdrew his outstretched hand. He sent the surrounding changelings a dim glower. “Very well. The offer stands—for any or all of you!—until the day the sun warms my back with its power.”

Chrysalis II turned up her nose. “Get him out of my hive.”

The changeling spear bearers angled their poisoned tips towards the jungle lord. Ahuizotl tipped his head. “Lead me to the exit, and I shall bother you no longer. I had one question, though—”

Chrysalis II scrunched her muzzle.

“If you hate your mother so much,” Ahuizotl said, “why do you share her name?”

Chrysalis II blinked. She raised an eyebrow as a nearby changeling, then looked back at Ahuizotl. “B-because it’s my name. It’s the only thing that a never changes for a changeling. To give it up would be to say I wasn’t a changeling anymore.”

Ahuizotl picked his swords up and slid them into their sheaths. “Very well, Chrysalis.” He hissed her name. “You’ll come to me. When your world crumbles around you, and your hives run out of food, you will come to me.”

“I doubt it, tuna-breath.” Chrysalis II stuck her tongue out. “Say hello to Daring Do and your other imaginary friends.”

Ahuizotl grinned as he was led through the dark, grimy corridors. The seeds had been planted; who knew what sort of fruit would spring up?

***

Battle

“What were you thinking?

Merry Mare followed the Maid through the bowels of the mountain. She felt her blood boil over with every word she spoke. “You could have gotten yourself killed! You could have screwed up everything! What possessed you to—?”

“Dulcimer needed to be put down!” The Maid whirled on her. Her silvery braid flowed over one shoulder. “You saw it! You saw what he planned to do! He was going to poison the timeline!”

She sneered and turned into a side room. A simple bed lay in the middle, beside a vanity with makeup and hygienic utensils. The Maid set about beautifying her youthful face. “I don’t understand why the Master was going to let him do it. I saw a problem and used the tools I had with me. When it didn’t work out, I improvised.”

Merry sat on the edge of the bed, working hard on her breathing exercises. “You revealed us to them. They know we’re sirens.”

“But that’s all they know.” The Maid squirted toothpaste onto a brush. “They don’t know who we are, or where we live, or how many of us there are—”

“Three.” Merry rubbed her spectacles with the edge of her cloak. “Celestia will know there’s always three.”

The Maid lowered her ears. She touched the blue sigil around her neck. “I’m more curious about why the Master revealed himself to Celestia. I’m curious about why he wanted to let Dulcimer screw up history. I’m curious—” She sent Merry a withering glare. “—about why we’re still following him after the debacle with summoning Platinum.”

“Because he’s still the best chance we have.” Merry Mare set her spectacles on her snout. “If the Master wins, the people get their freedom, other countries get their power, we become rulers…”

“You get your son?” The Maid shoved the toothbrush into her mouth. She glowered at anything she could lay her eyes on, speaking around the brush. “Why do you—ahem—why do you still think he can do it?”

“Do not forget who gave us this power,” Merry said. “He is a strong and ancient individual, just imprisoned.”

“Maybe I don’t want to free the creep.” The Maid spat into a tin. “Maybe I want to take the sigils and run.”

“Well, of course.” Merry laid her hoof on the Maid’s shoulder. “If the Master is unable to deliver on his promises, we’ll just have to take matters into our own hooves.”

She leaned close to the Maid’s ear, muttering with whispered breaths. “But if I’m going to commit the abomination of forcefully raising the dead, I’d rather do it with the entire Unseelie Court at my back.”

The Maid peered over her glasses. She patted blush onto her cheeks. “You’re playing him.”

“I’m going along with him,” Merry said. “For the moment.”

“Then maybe I’ll go along with you.” The Maid grinned. “For the moment. Keep me posted.”

“Don’t worry so much.” Merry stood up and cracked her back. “The Crone will study Starswirl’s mirror, we’ll regroup our forces, and strike where Equestria least expects it. We all have our parts to play.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Speaking of which, how is yours going?”

The Maid sighed. “After Dulcimer kicked the bucket, all his finances went back to Blueblood. We have no way of getting at it.”

Merry whistled through her teeth. “Then maybe it’s time to start funding the troops from our own coffers. Quietly.”

“I hate to say it out loud.” The Maid rinsed her mouth out and spat again. The tin clanged joyfully. “But the restaurant business isn’t really lucrative enough to fund both its own operations and our little army.”

She leaned back to look at Merry. “It might be time to enact Operation: Inheritance.”

Merry Mare searched the Maid’s face for any trace of regret. She found none. An uneasy feeling brewed in the pit of her stomach. “Not yet. We don’t need to take that sort of measure until things become critical. Keep it on the back burner, ready to use.”

The maid shrugged and turned back. “Your call, sister.”

The Crone hobbled into the room, brushing her curly gray mane haphazardly. “We’re on in ten minutes, guys. The Master expects us to give the troops a little encouragement.”

The Maid laughed. “That’s no surprise, after what we’ve just gone through. What song are we singing?”

Merry smirked. She motioned the Crone closer. “How about an oldie, but a goodie? One we’ve sung before, but…” She let teeth show between her lips. “Catered to the situation?”

The Crone scratched her neck. “Mm. I think I can hook you up with that.”

***

The three of them stood in the midst of the Grove of Golden Apples. Merry’s sigil shone bright yellow, while the Maid’s shimmered a soft blue. The Crone had no sigil, but she hummed right alongside them.

Ahh-ah-ah, ahh-ah. Ahh-ah-ah, ahh-ah.

Nearly three-hundred ponies gathered around, some having traveled all the way from Canterlot. The warriors who had not participated in the battle were gathered beside dancing Unseelie Fae, their eyes and ears eager for the siren’s song.

Ahh-ah-ah, ahh-ah. Ahh-ah-ah, ahh-ah.

The Maid stepped forward, her teeth sparkling in the torchlight.

“We know that life can be so bitter
We know the world can be so cruel
But there’s a time of coming splendor
If you can use this simple tool

“Why just live with hurt and pain
When you were born a fighter?
Here’s a chance for wealth and fame
Become the star that’s rising higher”

Merry felt power surge through her sigil. It clawed through her fairy strings and to her throat. Her words sprang out as enchantments, lending their invigorating power to the people.

“You and me, me and you
We’ll rule this kingdom forever
With us you can do
Greater deeds than ever

“If you follow
Every order that we utter
Then we can tear
Their Equestria asunder”

The Maid took the lead again, her young voice full of power and authority.

“The day’s coming, and you’ll know it
There’s a final coming test
The war is waging all around
But you can show them you’re the best”

The Crone stepped into the light, and all three lent their voices. The Crone had no sigil, so Merry and the Maid sang all the louder to compensate.

“Battle!
We’re drawing near it
Let’s have a battle
Show who’s number one!

“Our sabers rattle!
Oh, can you hear it?
Let’s have a battle!
Battle!
Battle!
Battle for the sun!”

The hoards joined in, from the simplest earth pony to the darkest fae. They shouted, they screamed, they raved, they cackled. It was mayhem and melee. Each cry became more grotesque and ghastly, warped by the magic of the sirens’ song.

Merry plucked a golden apple from the branches overhead. She bit deep into it and let its strength join that of her sigil. For the first time in a long time, she felt assured.

“Though the plan reached a snag
We can come back fighting harder
Pushing through the lag
And coming out stronger

“’Cause with us three
We can cut through the delusion
We can erase
All your sorrow and confusion”

She glanced behind her to the largest tree in the grove. The Master looked on, his greedy green eyes shining bright in the mirror. She sent him a smile she didn’t truly feel. His lies weighed too heavily for her liking.

Whether he could help or not, she was getting her son back. She was taking control of Equestria. She would change things for the better. She would.

She knew she would.

“Battle!
We’re drawing near it
Let’s have a battle
Show who’s number one!

“Our sabers rattle!
Oh, can you hear it?
Let’s have a battle!
Battle!
Battle!
Battle for the sun!”

Author's Note:

I hope you've enjoyed DayBreak, my longest, darkest, and probably best novel. So far. The story started as a simple idea with complex consequences: A mare tries to assassinate Celestia and fails, only to find her entire worldview tossed on its head. This concept spiraled out of control until it became this huge tale, webbed with intrigue, politics, action, and romance.

I see this as the end of Part One of The Heart's Promise continuity. It isn't an end to the arc, so much as it sets up the world the ponies live in. What's left of it, in any case!

Twilight and Spike's story continues in Lightning Struck Home and In the Absence of Sunset Shimmer

Andean Ursagryph's story continues in An Equestrian Griffon.

The Unseelie Court return in the now-published fic, If You Weren't Afraid, starring Discord.

The Knights of Harmony will return...

Comments ( 54 )

All's well that ends, and all ends begins anew (save one).

“Calm down, beef bro,” Mangle said, raising his hands in defense. “I didn’t do anything without thinking it through. The help sort of just… plopped into my lap. In a way. Metaphorically.”

Oh no.

“He came to me,” Mangle said, “but the decision to allow his help was mine. I stand by my decision. You can reject it, but I’m gonna go forward with it.”

No, no no it's the Unseelie isn't it?

Andean Ursagryph gripped the armrests with his sharp talons. “Greetings, gentlecreatures.”

Oh. Oh. No I'm fine with this. All the best world leaders are now in union.

... It seems everyone has a plan to control the sun.

I would say that the alliance should go to Celestia but... from the way Celestia reacted... she would be livid. I am actually still rather convinced that Andean's point is true: Celestia has too much influence over the world. The threat of what ponies could do, of what the person who controls the sun could do, of having to deal with someone who will be able to undo everything you have done after you die and she is still happy, it chills foreign relations. Yes, it stops conflict, but confict... conflict is good. Not genocide but...

But, of course, I can only hope that the alliance of other races manages to keep from going nuts. If you become a bad guy, even if you think you want to do good things, then you might just descend to become the worst kind of person and I don't really want to see them become that...

And, now to argue against someone who ostensibly wants the same thing:

“Because he’s still the best chance we have.” Merry Mare set her spectacles on her snout. “If the Master wins, the people get their freedom, other countries get their power, we become rulers…”

Two of those things don't actually mesh with each other. How can people become free if you become rulers? How can the other countries get their power if the Master takes it all?

... Wasn't there a Daring Do style adventure with Button and Sweetie Belle in the works? Not that I'm opposed to a Discord story...

Also there was a whole previous chapter, which I do want to comment on.

6820486 Wait, there's a siren other than the Dazzlings and the old mare? How did I miss that! I remember now! She was the one that Daring and Time met in the crystal caverns right? And she was there at the meeting with Hurricane and Platinum's ghost too wasn't she? She blends into the background better than Blank! Now that I think about it... thats deliberate isn't it? Every time she shows up you overshadow her part with some huge revelation, like the ghost or Time's fate. I have a sneaking suspicion that she's going to be very important, especially because you responded to my comment about the villain's impotency with her. :unsuresweetie:

Wild prediction based upon knowledge from reading the rest of the series:
This new siren is time traveling Twilight after she regains her voice studying Adagio's pendant. She's attempting to save herself from the curse of the pendant with what little free will she retains because the pendant is just a copy. Probably complete bull, but the crazy guesses are always the most fun!

Out of my year and a bit now of being on this site. This is the first story I've started reading while it was incomplete, and witnessed the changing of the status to complete. All others kind of died, or are still going.

Awesome story, crazy story. I loved it.
Really looking forward to seeing these other branching stories that this ending has opened up.

Doesn't matter what you decide to work on now, You can bet on seeing me there!

-x223blackwolf :twilightsmile:

6821894 Um, have you read the end of Scootaloo will fly?

And it ends.

....

And so it begins.

Wow, you've finished a full-length, door-stopper novel, congratulations!
6820486

Her relationship with Redacted is quite unique compared to the others' morality pets.

Yeah, because the other sirens are actually friends with those ponies, wheras the Maid is basically keeping her morality pet as a pet with mind control. The Crone and the Mother are both villains who know they are doing bad things, but believe they will achieve a personal goal that will wash away all their sins. As far as I can tell, the Maid is just in it for personal power. I hope Merry and the Crone don't put too much trust in the Maid, if she has no noble impulse motivating her on some level, she's really no different from Dulcimer.

Maybe it was poorly placed, but it was also important to have in the story. I guess if I rewrote this, I could find a better place for it. As it is, I guess it's proof that I'm merely a human and make mistakes?

I thought it worked well as a needed part of the story, but I think there's a trade-off you have to make between Daybreak the novel and Daybreak the centerpiece of the 1st part of the Heart's Promise Verse. If Daybreak was a standalone novel with no other pieces, then Fluttershy and Merry's past relationship would probably get axed as distracting and unnecessary. For the larger story, it's a key part of a future storyline that needs to be explained.

“Strawberry!” Corona raised a fist. “The only ice cream fit for a princess!”
“’Nilla rules!” Stella nodded her head decisively before returning to her treat wholeheartedly.

Hehehe, little beaks chomping at ice cream!

“She’s a good changeling!” Stella said. “Like Blankie!” Andean laughed. “It would not surprise me if Celestia had other benevolent changelings hidden away.

Mmmmaybe. Or Maybe Ribbon is something else.

The key, I think, is to ease Equestria into the truth. Bit by bit, fact by fact. We need to make a plan about how we are going to share the truth with Equestria, to shed light on the dark places. Lies are what brought us to this point; let’s not fall into the same trap.’”

Once again, Twilight gets it right.

“He didn’t give them to the ponies.” Celestia said. “According to the oldest versions of the myth, he gave them to the changelings.”

Awesome!

Possibly. Twilight Sparkle wrote hastily. Maybe. If so, it means that Spike was immune because he also has an affinity towards an Element. We could fairly accurately decipher potential bearers of the Elements based on whether they can be enthralled by the sirens’ song or not.

Twilight you friggin' genius! Turning an enemy's advantage into one of your own!

Cadence sucked in her cheek. “Maybe we can offer it as a course to the most promising students of the School for Gifted Unicorns? Look for ponies who exhibit Element-like behavior? Who have good values and a sense of right-standing?”

That's a good point, but its surprising that none of the princesses think about how the rest of the world will react to these events by wanting to share control of the sun and moon. I think on some level, maybe ponies have changed only so much from the 2nd age.

The four alicorns gathered around Spike, lending him and each other their love.

Every great pony story should end with at least one group hug, that's just common sense.

He looked down at his open palms. She stuck the snowball between his fingers. “You’re cooler than you think,” she said. “You’re not a murderer. You’re a mighty dragon that protects his friends.”

I wonder if, between this story and ItAoSS, Spike revised his Noble Dragon Code?

They let her come inside, where it was warm and cozy. The little colt stood firm, blocking her path. “You’re late for supper!”
Care ruffled his mane. “I missed you, too, Sprout.”

I've never met Sprout before and I already miss him as well. Good to see Care reconnecting with her family.

“I have to find some way to amuse myself in Solitaire.”

They give them packs of cards in prison, right?

The final word on the letter, hidden beneath chicken scratch and spilled ink, could barely be made out. Caution was familiar with the word. He had seen it. He had been there. He knew ponies from the place.
Ponyville.
“Oi’ll find her, Aria,” Caution whispered. “Oi’ll make this right. Oi swear oi’ll make this right.”

Good to see the Unseelie are still deliciously evil at times. But to me the course of action seems clear. Caution is fairly smart, and not impulsive, his name fits. He acts when the time is right. He also probably knows some really forgiving, understanding ponies in Ponyville that would help him out if he simply wrote a letter from Solitaire with the truth. (I'm assuming he doesn't know the true identity of the Mother, or she would be an easy first choice). How many fillies were abandoned in an ally in Ponyville 18 years ago? I bet deputy Mayor Pinkie would be willing to look, and try to reconnect an orphan girl with her long-lost father, even if said father is a big meanie who tried to kill Celestia. Whether this mysterious orphan is willing to talk to her father is another matter, But I bet Caution has better odds connecting with her with a letter from prison than, say, breaking out of jail running around town grabbing fillies and screaming "are you my daughter?"

Oh, and the Unseelie can just stroll into Solitaire, probably one of the most heavily-warded buildings in Equestria. Good to know.

Scootaloo really dodged a bullet here. If Merry had known about Scootaloo's parentage from the beginning, it's easy to guess who would have been the next Maid instead of SS.

“This is beefy,” Mangle said. He pressed his palms together with all his might. “But it’s gotta be done. If Celestia loses control of the sun, all that stands between the world and eternal darkness is…”
“An ex-psycho, a librarian, and a supermodel.” Seabreeze scratched his head. “Is Cadenza a supermodel, or is she joost that pretty?”
“Out of the three, I give Cadenza the most credit.” Mangle shrugged shoulders the size of one pony each. “I mean, she’s the one who’s an actual politician.”

Harsh but fair. Although Luna's a politician as well.

“I had a few ideas about that.” Andean stood up and spread his wings wide. “Have either of your heard of the creature known as Ahuizotl? He has made a few attempts worth investigating.”

Sooooooo awesome! :rainbowkiss:

The changeling queen lay sprawled on the rocks, a long stake thrust through her torso, nailing her to the ground. Her carcass had been polished to a sheen by sandstorms, and her insides had been dried out with the scorching heat. There was nothing left but a hollow shell of the once-proud ruler.

This is such a great scene-opener. People in the Badlands don't play around.

The floor fell out from under him.
A slide took him deep into the earth. He grasped at the walls with mighty claws, but he could get no footholds through the thick slime coating.

Azzy falls for one of the same deathtraps he is always setting for Daring? I'm going to rust from all this irony!

“What, like—” Chrysalis II sputtered. “Like in the Daring Do books? That Owie—owie… whatever you are?”

I actually laughed out loud at this. I don't know if Yearling does this on purpose, but how much does it suck for Ahuizotl to constantly be treated like he is a Saturday morning cartoon villain come to life? I hope this is a running theme. I want somebody to seriously ask him, at some point, if he has ever teamed up with the Maniac to fight the Power Ponies.

“I slew her,” Chrysalis II said. “It was the only way to stop her suicidal plans.”

Oooh, an interesting take. I already like Chrissy 2.

The changelings with spears crept closer. Ahuizotl didn’t bother to concern himself with them. “Your timing could not be worse, my queen. Do you really think they are ready to forgive such evils as your mother committed? No. Going to them would result in disaster.”

You know, if Celestia had Blankie serving since the beginning, I bet peace with the changlings would already have been achieved. And unfortunately, Azzy has a point. Cadance does not seem like she is in a forgiving mood right now, and when she hits that post-second pregnancy diet she will be even grumpier.

“Now you know that isn’t true.” Ahuizotl propped his chin on a fist. “I know the location to the secret of the ancient changelings’ power; the dagger used to tear the very magic from ponies. One this is over, and I control the sun, I shall give it to you.”

Wow, a couple of things. First, I guess changlings post-elements got proud, built all those ruins, before they were in turn overthrown by the ponies. Cycle of life. Second, the dagger doesn't sound that scary at first glance, because it reminds me of Tirek, who was not that tough in the beginning until Discord helped him. But maybe the dagger is different from Tirek. When Tirek drained your magic, he just got a raw bit of energy that made him slightly stronger, he didn't get full command of its power. (If he had, with the might of Discord and every other pony he would have stomped even Super-alicorn Twilight). If the Spade of Hearts actually grants the thief the full knowledge and skill of the victim, as well as the raw power... That would be a fell artifact indeed.

He withdrew his outstretched hand. He sent the surrounding changelings a dim glower. “Very well. The offer stands—for any or all of you!—until the day the sun warms my back with its power.”

Sneaky Azzy! Sounds like Chrysalis the 2nd is too principled or intelligent to get sucked in, but you know someling in the courtroom is going to quietly follow Azzy and offer to join him. Chrysalis the 2nd, on the other hand, can benefit from this. She now has at least something to trade Equestria, in exchange for opening diplomatic relations: The knowledge and possible location of Ahuizotl and the Spade of Hearts.

“You get your son?” The Maid shoved the toothbrush into her mouth.

Thinking more about the Maid and Merry. The Maid was probably an infant when Happy died. But I'm also thinking about the law of narrative causality, and the fact that Amber Waves was a mother, and I don't recall ever seeing if Silver Spoon the 14th is currently married, and Silver Spoon the 15th sure seems like she didn't grow up with a good maternal role model...

“Then maybe I’ll go along with you.” The Maid grinned. “For the moment. Keep me posted.”

Like I said, she really can't be trusted either. I definitely hope to get some flashbacks between the Maid and the Mother though.

The Maid rinsed her mouth out and spat again. The tin clanged joyfully. “But the restaurant business isn’t really lucrative enough to fund both its own operations and our little army.”

Burn down the whole thing this time, then blame it on Spike and get the deed to Harmony Palace! :trollestia:

She leaned back to look at Merry. “It might be time to enact Operation: Inheritance.”

What? Ohhh. Oh. OH! So many things make so much more sense now! And are also so much sadder... Filthy and Spoiled better watch out.

The hoards joined in, from the simplest earth pony to the darkest fae. They shouted, they screamed, they raved, they cackled. It was mayhem and melee. Each cry became more grotesque and ghastly, warped by the magic of the sirens’ song.

Ok, this is even more like that awesome scene from Fantasia.

“Our sabers rattle!
Oh, can you hear it?
Let’s have a battle!
Battle!
Battle!
Battle for the sun!”

And of course we end with a fun re-imagining of my favorite Equestria Girls song (well, unless you count the ones in the shorts).

So congratulations again on writing the Great Equestrian Novel. I'm not sure if you're going to get right to work on If You Weren't Afraid MyHobby, or try out another one shot, or even work on that original fiction novel you've been teasing us with. No matter what, thanks for the heck of a ride!

6822904 I suggest you do, it takes place before this one and will answer some of your questions.

6821148

All's well that ends, and all ends begins anew (save one).

Even that one doesn't necessarily end here.:raritywink:


6821181

Oh. Oh. No I'm fine with this. All the best world leaders are now in union.

It's gonna be awesome.

I would say that the alliance should go to Celestia but... from the way Celestia reacted... she would be livid.

I think that if Celestia knew about the alliance, she would probably try to argue against it. Or just shout it down. The mare's lived a certain way for a thousand years, and she believes it's the only way to make it work. And she never liked Andean to begin with.

I am actually still rather convinced that Andean's point is true: Celestia has too much influence over the world. The threat of what ponies could do, of what the person who controls the sun could do, of having to deal with someone who will be able to undo everything you have done after you die and she is still happy, it chills foreign relations. Yes, it stops conflict, but confict... conflict is good. Not genocide but...

It's been Andy's stance since Lord Mayor Applejack. He possibly has an even stronger stance now that she is physically unable to so much as touch the sun. Still, it's more than just Celly who wants the sun to stay completely Equestria controlled, and one of their names has the initials TS. He's got an uphill battle to convince anybody that it's okay to change the traditions of a millennium.

But, of course, I can only hope that the alliance of other races manages to keep from going nuts. If you become a bad guy, even if you think you want to do good things, then you might just descend to become the worst kind of person and I don't really want to see them become that...

A minotaur president two years away from the end of his term, a pissed-off breezie, and an oversized, overpowered griffon king. I don't see any of them going the slightest bit crazy.:pinkiehappy:

... Wasn't there a Daring Do style adventure with Button and Sweetie Belle in the works? Not that I'm opposed to a Discord story...

Yes. And I finally have an outline for it. It's finally ready to write... But I need a short break from writing adventure epics.

Rest assured, I want to write the SweetieXMash adventure, and soon, but I have to tell you the Discord story before I tell you the adventure story. If You Weren't Afraid will be a shorter novel, about the size of In The Absence of Sunset Shimmer, while Rhythm and Rhyme, Sweetie's story, will be about as big as this one was.

Though a bit lighter. A little lighter.


6821894

Wait, there's a siren other than the Dazzlings and the old mare? How did I miss that! I remember now! She was the one that Daring and Time met in the crystal caverns right?

That exact one! If you go back and reread the section, there's actually a couple of real big clues about who she is. It's all in the tail.

And she was there at the meeting with Hurricane and Platinum's ghost too wasn't she?

Nope! She was busy doing something else in that scene.

She blends into the background better than Blank! Now that I think about it... thats deliberate isn't it? Every time she shows up you overshadow her part with some huge revelation, like the ghost or Time's fate. I have a sneaking suspicion that she's going to be very important, especially because you responded to my comment about the villain's impotency with her. :unsuresweetie:

Intentional, yes, but it's less about being subtle to hide a twist, than being subtle to make sure people don't get lost with all the information. Those who have read all my Heart's Promise Continuity stories know who she is. Those who have only read this story do not.

Essentially, I'm making sure I don't post spoilers for one story in a different story. :trollestia:

Probably complete bull, but the crazy guesses are always the most fun!

They so are! :rainbowlaugh: And that one actually sounds like something I would do.

And don't worry if you don't go back to read the previous stories, all shall be revealed at some point...


6822007

Out of my year and a bit now of being on this site. This is the first story I've started reading while it was incomplete, and witnessed the changing of the status to complete. All others kind of died, or are still going.
Awesome story, crazy story. I loved it.
Really looking forward to seeing these other branching stories that this ending has opened up.
Doesn't matter what you decide to work on now, You can bet on seeing me there!

Thank you! It has been a pleasure to see this story to its conclusion. I hope you enjoy yourself as we go forward. :scootangel:


6822853

Um, have you read the end of Scootaloo will fly?

As much as I'd like everybody to read SWF!, I still smile when folks start speculating about that stuff. :pinkiehappy:


6822973

And it ends.
....
And so it begins.

It never ends, as I'm fond of saying!

Equestria, here we come
Right back where we started from...


6823364

Wow, you've finished a full-length, door-stopper novel, congratulations!

It really was, as they say, an adventure in itself. :eeyup: I even had my own villain song at one point.

"You're playing with the Big Bads now!"

As far as I can tell, the Maid is just in it for personal power.

There's also the fact that she hasn't had as much development. I'm sure that deep down, past the nasty exterior, you'll find that she really is a cold-hearted monster!

If Daybreak was a standalone novel with no other pieces, then Fluttershy and Merry's past relationship would probably get axed as distracting and unnecessary.

Or it's the scene that gets removed for the screen adaptation (fare thee well, Tom Bombadil). I do know that there's something off about the scene, though I think it's the brute-force exposition. If I did it in a slightly subtler fashion, it would be less like a hammer to the thumb.

Mmmmaybe. Or Maybe Ribbon is something else.

Oh, if only there was a future story this was setting up.

:trixieshiftright:

That's a good point, but its surprising that none of the princesses think about how the rest of the world will react to these events by wanting to share control of the sun and moon. I think on some level, maybe ponies have changed only so much from the 2nd age.

They have, essentially, been the Most Important Species for a long, long time. It's a heavily-encouraged mindset to place Equestria at the center of the world.

It's a mindset that is slowly unraveling.

Every great pony story should end with at least one group hug, that's just common sense.

Yes, of course, just as every Star Wars story starts with a spaceship in flight above a planet. It's just what works!

I wonder if, between this story and ItAoSS, Spike revised his Noble Dragon Code?

I think the only big change was Spike becoming a little wiser as he grew older. Less "servant for life" and more "always ready to help."

They give them packs of cards in prison, right?

Yes. You get yer lawyer, yer letter, and yer deck of cards. Unless you're Black Jack, who has been known to kill people with the ace of clubs.

Good to see the Unseelie are still deliciously evil at times. But to me the course of action seems clear. Caution is fairly smart, and not impulsive, his name fits. He acts when the time is right.

Hmm. You're right. It would even make for a fairly compelling drama.

But it assumes the Unseelie Court would let him do it that way...

But I bet Caution has better odds connecting with her with a letter from prison than, say, breaking out of jail running around town grabbing fillies and screaming "are you my daughter?"

:rainbowlaugh: I'm sorely tempted. Sorely tempted.

Oh, and the Unseelie can just stroll into Solitaire, probably one of the most heavily-warded buildings in Equestria. Good to know.

Gives a different meaning to revolving prison door.

Scootaloo really dodged a bullet here. If Merry had known about Scootaloo's parentage from the beginning, it's easy to guess who would have been the next Maid instead of SS.

Happy died within a few years of Scootaloo's birth. Coincidence?

Harsh but fair. Although Luna's a politician as well.

Yes, but their perception of her is that she's a thousand years out of date. As can be seen in the beginning of the story, Twilight's no slouch in the politicking department either.

Azzy falls for one of the same deathtraps he is always setting for Daring? I'm going to rust from all this irony!

:trollestia:

I actually laughed out loud at this. I don't know if Yearling does this on purpose, but how much does it suck for Ahuizotl to constantly be treated like he is a Saturday morning cartoon villain come to life? I hope this is a running theme. I want somebody to seriously ask him, at some point, if he has ever teamed up with the Maniac to fight the Power Ponies.

I think it'll be a running theme right up until the moment he does something truly villainous and chilling. Muhuhahahahahahahaha!

Wow, a couple of things. First, I guess changlings post-elements got proud, built all those ruins, before they were in turn overthrown by the ponies. Cycle of life.

Yup! Circle of life, history repeats itself, ouroboros, all those fun things!

Might be a theme in there, somewhere.

Second, the dagger doesn't sound that scary at first glance, because it reminds me of Tirek, who was not that tough in the beginning until Discord helped him. But maybe the dagger is different from Tirek. [...] If the Spade of Hearts actually grants the thief the full knowledge and skill of the victim, as well as the raw power... That would be a fell artifact indeed.

Actually, it pales in comparison to the Club of Diamonds.

The Spade of Hearts is indeed an utterly terrifying artifact, frightening even me for coming up with it. Though, not for the reasons you think. We won't get to it until after Discord's story, but trust me.

Chrysalis the 2nd, on the other hand, can benefit from this.

Only if she jumps at the chance...

Thinking more about the Maid and Merry. The Maid was probably an infant when Happy died. But I'm also thinking about the law of narrative causality, and the fact that Amber Waves was a mother, and I don't recall ever seeing if Silver Spoon the 14th is currently married, and Silver Spoon the 15th sure seems like she didn't grow up with a good maternal role model...

SS XIV is currently married to SS XV's mother. It wasn't Amber.

:twistnerd: Take that speculation in a different direction.

Like I said, she really can't be trusted either. I definitely hope to get some flashbacks between the Maid and the Mother though.

I can't promise flashbacks, but I can promise we'll delve deeper into the two of them.

What? Ohhh. Oh. OH! So many things make so much more sense now! And are also so much sadder... Filthy and Spoiled better watch out.

Scary, ain't it?

And of course we end with a fun re-imagining of my favorite Equestria Girls song (well, unless you count the ones in the shorts).

Everything that came from the Dazzlings' mouths was pure gold. Other than that, I'm partial to "Unleash the Magic" (because villain song), and "Awesome as I Wanna Be" (Because 20% cooler joke). Though "Friendship Through the Ages" is really good. And "Acadeca." And "Trix up my Sleeve." And...

I like music. A lot. It's a sickness. I still hum the theme to myself every so often. "When danger makes me wanna hide..."

So congratulations again on writing the Great Equestrian Novel. I'm not sure if you're going to get right to work on If You Weren't Afraid MyHobby, or try out another one shot, or even work on that original fiction novel you've been teasing us with. No matter what, thanks for the heck of a ride!

I plan on releasing IYWA this month at some unknown point. Gotta finish the first chapter. THAT NOVEL, as I've taken to thinking about it, is getting picked at occasionally. One shots have become surprisingly hard to write (my stories are so dang big now), so no telling when I'll do the next one.

Until then, it's finally done. It feels really good. Thank you, howard035, for enjoying it with me! :yay::rainbowkiss::ajsmug::raritystarry:

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I think, if any of the princesses would be willing to not let ponies be entirely in charge, TS would be the first to say "maybe... we can ask the other races."

Maybe. Maybe it's just my willingness to think the best of her, and maybe reading a little to far into that she's the one that suggested that Spike, a nonpony, has an affinity for the elements... but I imagine she might be the first to offer the branch of Friendship to the other species. :raritywink:

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I think that if Celestia knew about the alliance, she would probably try to argue against it. Or just shout it down. The mare's lived a certain way for a thousand years, and she believes it's the only way to make it work. And she never liked Andean to begin with.

You mortals get off my lawn!

:rainbowlaugh: I'm sorely tempted. Sorely tempted.

I'm preemptively imagining Caution as speaking in Liam Neeson's voice.

Happy died within a few years of Scootaloo's birth. Coincidence?

I hope you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting, about destiny enforcing that there always be 3 of them, and what happens if a Maid becomes a mother... But Happy was never destined to be a siren, because Merry only picked up the jewel in the first place because she wanted to resurrect him, I believe.

I think it'll be a running theme right up until the moment he does something truly villainous and chilling. Muhuhahahahahahahaha!

It's like if ISIS was approached for an alliance by COBRA.

Actually, it pales in comparison to the Club of Diamonds.

I'm not sure if you're joking or not. :trixieshiftleft:

Take that speculation in a different direction.

Well shoot, Amber Waves must have a husband and child somewhere around Ponyville then!

Other than that, I'm partial to "Unleash the Magic" (because villain song), and "Awesome as I Wanna Be" (Because 20% cooler joke). Though "Friendship Through the Ages" is really good. And "Acadeca." And "Trix up my Sleeve." And...

How could you forget the best one of all, where best bacon-haired aliphoenixcorn explains that, since it is exactly midnight, her past by definition is not today?

THAT NOVEL

That novel you been' working on!

Until then, it's finally done. It feels really good. Thank you, howard035, for enjoying it with me! I plan on releasing IYWA this month at some unknown point.

:twilightsmile:

I really enjoyed this story . It's got a lot of structure and thought put into it and it really shows. Brilliant memorable original characters, really great action and a knack at setting up the worst(best) cliffhangers, AND one hell of a release schedule. I agree this was your best story too , and I think it's criminal its not got more views. I think you nailed the ending too , bittersweet as it was. Can't wait till the next one.

Care went home? Nice.

Caution went to prison? Yeah, that was pretty deserved.

Further complains died deep in Caution’s chest. In the hallway, between the two cells, right underneath a bright lamp, there was a black, writhing, growing shadow. Tendrils snaked around the bars. Whispering voices tickled his ears. A strong sense of cold pervaded the prison.

Uh oh.

Man, this is going to end in nothing but sadness for Scootaloo. Maybe for Caution too, but he's beyond caring about.

“An ex-psycho, a librarian, and a supermodel.” Seabreeze scratched his head. “Is Cadenza a supermodel, or is she joost that pretty?”

Well, when you put it that way. Also, I think we have an answer to Cadance and Luna's disagreement last chapter.

He pressed three fingers against his forehead. “Whatever. We’re getting off-track. Point is, we gotta find out how ponies control the sun, and then try to replicate that effect with what we have.”

Oh, brilliant. I wonder what might happen when two sets of mortals try and control the same sun?

Andean Ursagryph gripped the armrests with his sharp talons. “Greetings, gentlecreatures.”

Well, it could have been Ahuizotl.

The griffon king smirked. He tossed a candied strawberry into his beak. “What President Mangle sees, and what I see, is that Celestia does not require a coalition to stand against her, but an alliance to stand ready… in case she fails. That is all I ask, and that is all I intend.”

Okay, better than my first guess.

“I had a few ideas about that.” Andean stood up and spread his wings wide. “Have either of your heard of the creature known as Ahuizotl? He has made a few attempts worth investigating.”

Wait, never mind. :facehoof:

Speak of the devil.

Queen Chrysalis gaped at him, her hollow eye sockets hissing in the wind.

Ahuizotl shuffled a step back and brought the entire scene into view. The changeling queen lay sprawled on the rocks, a long stake thrust through her torso, nailing her to the ground. Her carcass had been polished to a sheen by sandstorms, and her insides had been dried out with the scorching heat. There was nothing left but a hollow shell of the once-proud ruler.

Oooooo. :rainbowderp:

“I slew her,” Chrysalis II said. “It was the only way to stop her suicidal plans.”

Well hey, maybe there's some hope for the changelings yet.

“I am.” Chrysalis II smiled at the changeling assembly before turning a sour glare at Ahuizotl. “I am preparing a group of ambassadors to visit Equestria to directly request a truce.”

Nice!

The Spade of Hearts? Interesting.

“The dagger is something my mother would have used!” Chrysalis II screamed. “I am not my mother!”

Very nice! Of course, I kind of expect her to eventually fall to this temptation, but at least for the moment she is holding strong.

“Dulcimer needed to be put down!” The Maid whirled on her. Her silvery braid flowed over one shoulder. “You saw it! You saw what he planned to do! He was going to poison the timeline!”

She's not wrong about that.

The Maid lowered her ears. She touched the blue sigil around her neck. “I’m more curious about why the Master revealed himself to Celestia. I’m curious about why he wanted to let Dulcimer screw up history. I’m curious—” She sent Merry a withering glare. “—about why we’re still following him after the debacle with summoning Platinum.”

All good questions.

At least we know that the bad guys are rather not united in purpose.

Okay, my opinion on the story as a whole. The last chapters did help a little, but in the end OMFG was this story depressing. Nearly every single character came out of it injured or broken somehow, if not straight up dead. Maybe this is the Empire-esque middle story that was never going to be particularly pleasant? I dunno. The best that could be said is pyrrhic victory, and I don't even know about that since in the end we traded so much for the death of a single madmare.

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All's well that ends, and all ends begins anew (save one).

Even that one doesn't necessarily end here.:raritywink:

I want to believe that this is a reference to Time Turner somehow, someway.

Comment posted by Shadow rift deleted Jan 13th, 2016

Okay. I know how I see the problem with princesses and the ponies overall.

They are assuming their race is the protagonist of the world. That every large-scale problem is related entirely to them and can only be solved by them... or people they know. That the other races are supporting characters in the conflict that is "running the world."

I mean... do the other races, who are currently problem solving, have a good idea that they are dealing with Sirens, the Unseelie court, and Baal? All that stuff is really serious, and if they have any darn sense they'll stay on their toes due to those threats.

But the very fact that the ponies aren't sharing this information with them makes them susceptible to manipulations they would normally not be susceptible to. The biggest thing that happened with this, the biggest leg up the forces of good have because of this, is that they now know there is something going on. They have a lead. A starting point. They know the sirens are there, they know they are able to control almost everybody, and they know what the people who they can't control have in common... even if they have no way to consistently tell who they are, yet.

And they are not sharing that extremely useful information with the other races.

The only starting point the other races have is "There is something coming maybe, and the ponies might not succeed. We need to be there to pick up the pieces."

It's... it's setting the conflict between the various forces that would normally be allied against the Unseelie against each other, because we know that if this is discovered under the wrong circumstances the princesses (and probably the ponies as a whole) will be immediately suspicious and try to dismantle it...

That's... it's because the ponies see themselves as the only fit race to fix it. It's this simultaneous hero complex and that sorta racism you hear about when they talk about bringing civilization to the savages, when those savages already have a civilization of their own. Only a lot more subtle and less offensive than that.

6824064 Honestly, I had no idea that was part of this universe at all. I'll have to check it out now.

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Maybe it's just my willingness to think the best of her, and maybe reading a little to far into that she's the one that suggested that Spike, a nonpony, has an affinity for the elements... but I imagine she might be the first to offer the branch of Friendship to the other species. :raritywink:

She'd be perfectly fine with extending friendship. But there's a noted difference between driving somebody to work... and lending them the keys to your car. Extending control of the sun (and moon) is going to be hard for everybody.

They are assuming their race is the protagonist of the world. That every large-scale problem is related entirely to them and can only be solved by them... or people they know. That the other races are supporting characters in the conflict that is "running the world."

Bingo! Very well said, and very well deduced! What you have here is the driving problem, the very thing that got Andean in a tizzy in Lord Mayor Applejack. And it's only really visible when other species start to share the spotlight. The ponies may very well not share the highly-important information they've gotten, because it's their problem to solve. Twilight Sparkle in particular will want to fix it.

It is most certainly going to end in tears if it's not addressed. But maybe this story is the first step in a broader realization taking place.

It takes something of this magnitude to jolt people out of their mental holding patterns. Most of the main characters got a wake-up call that told them their current actions weren't going to cut it anymore. Andean and Luna especially. If they're smart people, they'll realize the lesson isn't over yet.

And perhaps they'll surprise you, too. :pinkiehappy:


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I'm preemptively imagining Caution as speaking in Liam Neeson's voice.

Mm... Maybe if Liam can pull off a Lower London accent... His Scottish twang is a little off-base for Caution. :trollestia:

I hope you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting, about destiny enforcing that there always be 3 of them, and what happens if a Maid becomes a mother... But Happy was never destined to be a siren, because Merry only picked up the jewel in the first place because she wanted to resurrect him, I believe.

No! No, no, no! Nothing about destiny! It's certainly not a natural law that there only be three sirens. That's an internal rule, manifesting as a slightly less murderous Rule of Two ala Sith Lords. Slightly less murderous. That's more of an "Always have three sirens operating" than "only three sirens can exist simultaneously ever."

It's like if ISIS was approached for an alliance by COBRA.

It's terrible, it really is, but I laughed anyway. :twilightsheepish:

I'm not sure if you're joking or not. :trixieshiftleft:

The Club of Diamonds was a diamond dog relic with the power to literally move mountains. It was shattered into thousands of pieces and scattered to keep such terrible strength out of the wrong hands. Every diamond dog secretly hopes to lay his hands on a fragment of the mighty tool, which is why they hoard.

Yes, I'm totally joking. Totally. :rainbowwild:

Well shoot, Amber Waves must have a husband and child somewhere around Ponyville then!

Yeah, to a point. They're all original characters, though, so don't beat yourself up looking into them. :twilightblush: They'll have their part to play soonish.

How could you forget the best one of all, where best bacon-haired aliphoenixcorn explains that, since it is exactly midnight, her past by definition is not today?

I figured I gave that one its due after I based Sunset's entire character arc in ItAoSS off of it. :derpytongue2: I still haven't had her go full phoenixcorn, though. That's something I haven't managed yet.

That novel you been' working on!

It's a rare thing indeed that a cartoon character manages to shame me. I feel so ashamed. Stewie was right on the money. :ajsleepy:

Except that I've only been working on it for two years. And not consistently! Ha! Take that, little animated genius baby!


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I really enjoyed this story . It's got a lot of structure and thought put into it and it really shows. Brilliant memorable original characters, really great action and a knack at setting up the worst(best) cliffhangers,

Thank you very much! It was super important for me that this be a well-made story, with all of the pieces fitting together right. This was a gamble from the beginning, and knowing that it's been enjoyed... that's quite the payoff.

You know what the secret to a good cliffhanger is? Think of the worst possible thing that could happen, then make it happen. :scootangel:

AND one hell of a release schedule. I agree this was your best story too , and I think it's criminal its not got more views. I think you nailed the ending too , bittersweet as it was. Can't wait till the next one.

The views thing can't really be helped. I'm terrible at advertising, and it's hard to sell a massive story as dark as this one. I'm certainly happy to have reached as many as I have, and others will follow!


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Well hey, at least someone is coming out of this story better than they went in.

I think it's fair to say a few people walked away, if not happier, then at least stronger. More able to handle what life throws at them. A keener sense of how important they are. A better understanding that they have a support network.

It means that there weren't a heck of a lot of solid, physical, and/or necessarily tangible victories, but victories were had.

Interesting, I apparently missed that. Was it in the chapters and just fairly subtle? Or perhaps not subtle at all?

It was in "Blank," just after Andean killed Lanner.

Strong talons grasped him from either side. He turned to see two Blitzwings under his forelegs, holding him up. “Your Grace,” one said, “we’ll get you to the ground. We’ll handle these monsters.”

Andean shook his head. “No. I have to keep fighting. I have to protect… Corona… Stella…”

When he opened his eyes, there were no Blitzwings. Was that a pony lifting him? Were they both ponies, or was he just confused?

“Stella and Corona need their poppa,” a female voice said. “We’ll get you to ground. They’ll find you there.”

Andean wrinkled his forehead. His vision faded to black. “Who are you?”

“My name is Ribbon Wishes,” the voice said. “Rest now, Andean. Rest.”

Hey, Twilight can still whistle? This changes everything! (I think it really would, at least if this were me. Whistling is how you let the music out without being that guy who sings in public.)

She can indeed, and she's getting darn good at it, too. :twilightsmile:

Ooooo. Does Luna get to keep the moon, though? Kind of unfair if so.

Nah. I've always seen the sun and moon as a package deal.

Okay, my opinion on the story as a whole. The last chapters did help a little, but in the end OMFG was this story depressing. Nearly every single character came out of it injured or broken somehow, if not straight up dead. Maybe this is the Empire-esque middle story that was never going to be particularly pleasant? I dunno. The best that could be said is pyrrhic victory, and I don't even know about that since in the end we traded so much for the death of a single madmare.

I think that's fair. It's not a happy story. Not a fun adventure or a even feelsy romp. It's a gut-wrenching, nail-biting, hair-raising , violent, two-hundred-thousand word long battle. I know it's a tough sell.

I don't see that as a point against it, though I'm the incredibly-biased author. It's the story I wanted to write. It made sense to write it. And I would say it's a well-constructed story with a few minor issues.

I guess it derives from how I see characterization: I don't feel like we've really seen all a character has to offer until they've been driven to the breaking point. Do they break, or do they press back? If they break, do they pull themselves together? If they press back, does something press harder? What comes of this breakage?

It results in the characters becoming something much, much greater than before.

Personally, I feel like something big was accomplished here.


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Honestly, I had no idea that was part of this universe at all. I'll have to check it out now.

I hope you enjoy it! It's one of my personal favorite stories, of the ones I've written. It's got a lot of my heart put into it. :twilightsmile:

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That's an internal rule, manifesting as a slightly less murderous Rule of Two ala Sith Lords. Slightly less murderous.

I get the feeling that the Maid still thinks they are operating on Sith Rules. Thanks for explaining that anyway.

Yes, I'm totally joking. Totally. :rainbowwild:

Too late, you already came up with an awesome backstory. Now I want someone to ask Father O'Scruffy (I forget the name of the actual Ponyville priest) about the Club of Diamonds.

I figured I gave that one its due after I based Sunset's entire character arc in ItAoSS off of it.

You totally did, I just wanted to A) Use the phrase "aliphoenixcorn" and B) Point out that little detail. During the entire song "My Past is Not Today," we see the school clock in the background stuck at midnight, the only point in time at which anyone's past is literally not today, because there is no existing past for the current day available. I don't know if they did that on purpose or if it's just a weird coincidence, but I thought it was cool.

Take that, little animated genius baby!

orig09.deviantart.net/ad4b/f/2015/227/3/2/_gif__stewie_griffin_are_angry_with_you_by_camiwin-d95tbpq.jpg

And finally finished reading this one. Definitely an engrossing tale with lots of interesting reveals and nice character interaction/development. The only thing that really falls flat for me is - again - sometimes the descriptions. I often had a hard time figuring out the "geography" of a scene (in particular during the final Care/Hurricane fight on the airship. I just couldn't wrap my head around what was going on there environment-wise), and scenes often felt a little too dialogue heavy without much action/description to break it up (I believe the term is "talking heads). That being said, there were still some very nicely done scenes that did manage to hit that dialogue/description balance pretty well. Like I know I've probably said a dozen times in the comments of the other stories in this series, finding that balance is a problem I too suffer from a lot as a writer, so I can understand what a challenge it is. And yeah, there's the usual spelling, grammar, and formatting slip-ups that just needs a good second set of eyes to catch (the two Derpys in a scene in one of the last chapters was surreal, like one of the show's animation glitches in text form!).

The only thing that really bugged me from an actual story perspective was the resolution of Hurricane's character arc, or rather the lack thereof. I don't know, it just felt like you were really building toward something with Hurricane's scenes in the latter half of the fic, and then she just kinda died and that was that. I guess I get what you were going for, with her inability to come to terms with what happened, let go and stop blaming everyone else to cover her guilt ultimately leading her to fight a battle she's doomed to lose, but it still felt like we only got the first half of a character arc with her. Maybe you could've had a character call her out on being a coward and hiding her pain/guilt behind a mask of self-righteous fury, which makes her hesitate or act recklessly for a brief but crucial moment during the final battle. Or maybe as she bleeds out on the floor, she briefly wonders how her life might have been different if she had learned to let things go. I don't know, these are just a couple of things I might have done had it been my story, but I suppose thats why its your story.

Anyway, it was still on the whole pretty gosh dern good. I'm still very impressed with the sheer intricacy of the world you've spun, and the amount of thought you've put into which information is revealed in which story so that each one can stand on its own and not spoil things for each other is damn impressive.

TL;DR: Good work. Far from perfect, but still good. :pinkiesmile:

Dang, a lot of stuff happened in this chapter. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Fluttershy is Aria's daughter. My justifications are her incredible singing voice, the stare, living in a grass hut on the edge of Ponyville, and her apparent age of somewhere between sixteen and twenty two in most fics. Unless this is that universe where she's actually a changeling queen? I forget. If not Fluttershy, then Countess Coloratura.

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Thank you very much for offering up your wisdom. :scootangel:

The only thing that really falls flat for me is - again - sometimes the descriptions. I often had a hard time figuring out the "geography" of a scene (in particular during the final Care/Hurricane fight on the airship. I just couldn't wrap my head around what was going on there environment-wise)

Clarity is just one of the many things I struggle with, it seems. What I really need is to take my own advice, and the advice of millions of authors, and read my story aloud. Or at the least, go over it with a fine tooth comb a few days after writing the chapter. It would go a long way towards helping with not only the clarity, but the typos and downright errors you've mentioned.

I haven't gotten myself a proofreader/prereader because I'm something of a wuss in asking for help. If I ever want to achieve grammatical excellence, I either need to suck it up or become a heck of a lot more careful.

(the two Derpys in a scene in one of the last chapters was surreal, like one of the show's animation glitches in text form!).

Coming soon to Fimfiction: Derpy fights Derpy to the death for Derpy's hoof in marriage! Will Derpy be able to convince Derpy that violence is not the way? Or will Derpy forget the lesson taught to her by Grandmother Derpy and Grandfather Derpy?

I can't get over it. It's just too silly for words! :raritydespair:

and scenes often felt a little too dialogue heavy without much action/description to break it up (I believe the term is "talking heads).That being said, there were still some very nicely done scenes that did manage to hit that dialogue/description balance pretty well. Like I know I've probably said a dozen times in the comments of the other stories in this series, finding that balance is a problem I too suffer from a lot as a writer, so I can understand what a challenge it is.

That right there is a holdover from my script-writing days. I forget that it's important to give them something to do while they're talking (and not have it merely be filler). That's the key, I think: give them something interesting and plot-relevant to do. Otherwise, I'm writing about all the boring parts of Star Wars I-III and just letting everybody sit around and talk.

The only thing that really bugged me from an actual story perspective was the resolution of Hurricane's character arc, or rather the lack thereof. I don't know, it just felt like you were really building toward something with Hurricane's scenes in the latter half of the fic, and then she just kinda died and that was that.

I kinda intended for her talk with Celestia to be the end of her character arc. Met with the truth that her entire cause was a lie, she rejected reality completely and went omnicidal. At that point, her role in the story was her part in resolving other characters' arcs.

I can see how it's unsatisfying, especially given how much focus she got. But any time I tried to expand on her death, it just didn't fit. She was unrepentant to the end.

There was an idea I had, long after I had finished the story, where she would walk away from the airship crash and commit suicide-by-snake somewhere in the Everfree, thus bringing the Poison leitmotif full circle. Problem was, not only was the story already finished and posted, it would require a rewrite of the last few chapters to make it work. It could work, and maybe even be stronger for it, but I don't know if it would be a good idea at this point.

Anyway, it was still on the whole pretty gosh dern good. I'm still very impressed with the sheer intricacy of the world you've spun, and the amount of thought you've put into which information is revealed in which story so that each one can stand on its own and not spoil things for each other is damn impressive.
TL;DR: Good work. Far from perfect, but still good. :pinkiesmile:

I'm glad you enjoyed it! To be honest, creating the puzzle that is this series is some of the most fun I've had in a long time. If all goes well, it should only get better going forward.

Thank you again for your wisdom and free advice. I hope to apply it liberally going forward. :raritywink:

I liked this story but there are also several things I don't like about it.
As I mentioned before I don't like the fact that a mere guard spear can inflict such a serious wound on Celestia.
I also don't really like the origins of Celestia and Luna in this story. You also messed up the timeline of Equestria with Clover being alive when Luna was banished which makes the period between the unification and the banishment of Nightmare Moon too short.
The resolution for Celestia with her being weaker then before is also something I don't like.
These are personal preferences of course except for the timeline. Clover being alive after Luna's banishment messes up the timeline of Equestria's past too much.

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I'm glad you liked what you did. I knew going in that the personal preference things would be contentious, but that was the way the story shook out, and it's not something I would want to change. That's life. :twilightblush:

The timeline thing, though, isn't necessarily against canon. Clover the Clever was Starswirl's student, so they would be contemporaries. I tried to go by the comics, which feature Starswirl as one of Celestia's friends well after Nightmare Moon was banished, so he and Clover can't possibly have died centuries before the banishment.

If it helps, both Clover and SS are really, really old at that point. Clover even has grand kids. Celestia and Luna ruled together for about seventy years, in my timeline. A little truncated, but I had to do it that way for everything to fit where I wanted it. Soooo... Incompatible personal preferences all around, alas.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts! It's most certainly an encouragement!

The conspirators want a revolution that can't go well. Violent revolutions lead to power-mad tyrannical despots getting in charge that will meet a violent end themselves.
They won't get freedom they will get terror like that of Robespierre.

The French revolution directly inspired the Sirens' activities, even if the revolution wasn't led by evil fish ponies. The whole "Kill the royalty and see how it shakes out" strategy didn't work well then, and it hasn't worked well here.

Of course a quarter of a million words written without season 5 in mind but set after it will have several conflicts with the canon of season 5.

This is my life! :rainbowlaugh: I don't think I've written a single multichapter story that hasn't been completely demolished by canon. Still, it just means my story has to stand for itself. :twistnerd:

Dulcimer needs to be removed from existance.

Many people thought so, including me!

Surpisingly good actually from what we have seen of the Nightmare Moon timeline in The Cutie Remark.

Surprisingly good, yeah, but there a sad little fact that there's an Everfree Forest where Ponyville used to be. I guess Discord's Plundervines went nuts without the Tree of Harmony to stop them.

These The Heart's Promise stories can be read in any order, right?

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That's what I keep telling people. :pinkiehappy: Some might be better at it than others, but this right here is one of the best at standing alone.

I'm sorry the comment is so short, but I just wanted to tell you I loved this! It was epic. Thanks so much!

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I'm sorry the comment is so short, but I just wanted to tell you I loved this! It was epic. Thanks so much!

Thank you for letting me know you enjoyed it! It's great to hear people still enjoy this story. It's one of my personal favorite achievements. :twilightsmile:

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I've been reading through your "Lord Mayor Applejack" universe and really really enjoying it :heart: I just wish I hadn't mostly caught up! I stopped after "Equestrian Griffon" and before "If You Weren't Afraid" because I have something of a thing about reading incomplete stories :ajsleepy: I just hate stopping and waiting partway through, and then I have to go back and reread some whenever a new part comes out, to refresh my poor memory a little... :fluttershyouch: I really really look forward to reading more, though, and I'll be keeping an eye out!

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I stopped after "Equestrian Griffon" and before "If You Weren't Afraid" because I have something of a thing about reading incomplete stories :ajsleepy: I just hate stopping and waiting partway through, and then I have to go back and reread some whenever a new part comes out, to refresh my poor memory a little... :fluttershyouch: I really really look forward to reading more, though, and I'll be keeping an eye out!

Yeah, that's a problem with fanfiction in general. The occasional orphaned story. You're in luck, though, because I'm currently writing the last chapter of If You Weren't Afraid. There'll be a blog post when it's finished, so that'll be your indicator to go for it!

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Oh, wonderful!! Thank you so much for the heads up!

Just gotta say this is well worth a reread, thank you for putting the time into the story. A well written one is deserving of praise, reminds me of a Warhammer 40k novel I once read.

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Just gotta say this is well worth a reread, thank you for putting the time into the story.

I'm glad it was still enjoyable the second time around! I still have to smile when I look back at this story and see just how far it came, and finally crossed the finish line.

One of my major goals with long stories like this is that there's enough foreshadowing and subtle hints that a reader's second run-through will be just as entertaining, as certain things connect together when previously they were a mystery. It's sorta my hope that, more often than not, a second read can be even more fun that the first. :twilightblush:

A well written one is deserving of praise, reminds me of a Warhammer 40k novel I once read.

In the grim darkness of near-future Ponyville, cake supplies run low and Celestia grows more and more desperate to satiate her oppressive sweet tooth. :trollestia:

*Reads Description*

The Overachieving O.C.D Protege.=Twilight Sparkle

An adventurer past her prime.=Daring Do

A tinkerer with too much time on his hooves.=Doctor Hooves

A spy whose primary instinct is to lie.=Original Character (......)

A dishonored soldier with an axe to grind. = Commander Hurricane

May I adapt this into an audio drama?

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I don't want to say yes right this moment, but I am interested in hearing what you have in mind.

I'm exceptionally flattered, and having DayBreak as an audio drama would be mind-blowingly amazing. However, the story is a whopping quarter of a million words, and that translates to a long, long process for adaptation and production. I suspect you'll be producing and releasing it as episodes when it's all put together? Maybe a chapter at a time or so, as adaptation permits?

Long story short, I'd like to know more about what you'd like to do with DayBreak. I'm super-nervous about having my stories worked on by other people, but I also know that the result could be fantastic. If you're interested in moving this forward, please PM me.

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Thats fine, its probably to big for me, but thanks anyway!

I know I`m gonna get :yay: for my comment, but hey its my opinion.
Unless they are the henchman/woman, background/non-MAIN character, or the main villain of the story, OCs kind of ruin the story for me. In some fandoms.

The story is great, except for the ending, which (as spoiler free as I can do) ends with the equivalent of "What happens next? Read the sequel to find out!" I hate that kind of ending. I just want a conclusion to the story instead of sequel hooks.

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Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh. One of the great pains of writing a series. The story ends, but not all of it.

For most of this series, I've reserved the final chapter for an epilogue where I tie off one loose thread while releasing a few more. It's a tradition for me, and part of the style of the series. Daybreak does conclude wholeheartedly at the end of the chapter "Hero," with the Knighting ceremony and Spike's catharsis and Blankety joining Daring's crew, but Daybreak isn't everything.

Of course, the epilogue isn't the only place with sequel hooks, which is a problem unto itself...

The alternative is having one story, with multiple genres, story arcs, and main characters, all forming a single Fimfic with at least 875,000 words.

But I digress. I'm sorry you found the ending lacking.

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I've read several other stories which had sequels and never had problems with their ending. The only thing I dislike is that the last chapter of this story should have been the first chapter of the sequel. It's like the epilogue was ripped right from the sequel's beginning, so you set up a bunch of new plot threads, but then the story just ends before anything happens. If this story had ended just a chapter or two earlier, and not set up and new plot threads, it would have been great. I prefer stories that end in a way that the reader wouldn't even know there's a sequel unless they were told because the story is concluded so well. And just because you have a satisfying conclusion doesn't mean a sequel is impossible, lots of other stories do exactly that. Here's a graph explaining what I think is wrong: i.imgur.com/ATlKlaG.png

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Honestly, I can understand having a core message, even one that deals with hard topics, but I personally feel that some just can't really be dealt with in fiction without damaging the enjoyability of the piece itself for a good chunk of readers.

If the theme of the story like this is made clear to the reader early on (either in the summary, or perhaps the first few chapters), then the readers know what they're getting into, and those that aren't interested can search for stories more their speed. However (I could be wrong, as I've only read a couple chapters further, and poked around in later chapters just a bit to check), this story spent the first quarter of the story with a seemingly significantly different focus, the setup to a pure adventure/mystery story, with Twilight and the four knights all contributing to the primary plotline (the pursuit of Hurricane, her benefactors, and the mysteries involved with them) as the story's main focus. The the second quarter is a shake-up, but (at least in my opinion) hinting towards a return to the initial style after Twilight eventually recovers. Instead, halfway through the story it basically went, "nope, even after Twilight awakens, the focus is significantly different now".

This may be my fault for having gotten into this story first out of all your stories (for all I know, this type of storytelling might be common in your stories), but for someone that got into the story based off of the synopsis and very much enjoyed the straightforward (theme-wise) elements of that part of the story, it feels like I got the rug pulled out from under me 50,000 words in.

I looked at a later story in the series, where Twilight still can't talk, and while I still am interested in the mysteries of this setting, I'm not sure if I'm willing to keep going long enough to find them out. I can say that it's not a good feeling to be so conflicted about a story itself (as opposed to being conflicted about events in a story).

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Honestly, I can understand having a core message, even one that deals with hard topics, but I personally feel that some just can't really be dealt with in fiction without damaging the enjoyability of the piece itself for a good chunk of readers.

Yeah. Like I said, you're not the first to find it not to their taste.

This may be my fault for having gotten into this story first out of all your stories (for all I know, this type of storytelling might be common in your stories), but for someone that got into the story based off of the synopsis and very much enjoyed the straightforward (theme-wise) elements of that part of the story, it feels like I got the rug pulled out from under me 50,000 words in.

Well, I guess I wanna take a moment and talk about what I was going for.

I agree it's a rug-pulling moment, and it's something I did on purpose. The story up to that point presents Twilight as the main character, and focuses on her more than any other. Then the attack comes, and we see that Hurricane has the power to hurt anybody in the story. Badly. And she goes on to hurt just about every character in some way.

At this point, the role of protagonist is picked up by the four knights with the addition of Twilight Velvet. It's up to them to carry out the mission with Twilight Sparkle indisposed, and her absence causes a lot of problems for them. The focus remains on the mystery surrounding Hurricane, but with an added air of threat.

As for introducing the theme early... I dunno. I thought I did pretty good setting up the tone with the first few chapters. This is a world where bad guys can cause major damage, and it takes a lot to stop them. Authority figures are not as solid and unwavering as they had once seemed. Everybody's a little lost in one way or another. People get hurt and it twists them. They have to fight to overcome their own darkness. Friends help with that.

As a whole, this story can't exist without Twilight's injury. It's the final catalyst for Luna's descent into madness. It sets the knights on the path to working with each other, rather than just collabing through Twilight. Daring wouldn't have gone to Time for help. Care would have been left stewing in her own juices. Blank would have never been revealed, and thus never opened up. Twilight Velvet wouldn't have had a personal vendetta against Hurricane.

(for all I know, this type of storytelling might be common in your stories)

It doesn't usually get this dark, but I do love a good reversal. I've always been impressed when a plot can do a one-eighty and still feel like the same story.

Soooo I keep trying. Mileage may vary on the success rate, it seems. :unsuresweetie:

I looked at a later story in the series, where Twilight still can't talk, and while I still am interested in the mysteries of this setting, I'm not sure if I'm willing to keep going long enough to find them out. I can say that it's not a good feeling to be so conflicted about a story itself (as opposed to being conflicted about events in a story).

This is by far the darkest of the series. If you can get through this, all other MyHobby stories will be a breeze. Perhaps that wasn't a good idea on my part, but it was the story I wanted to write. That said, if this one wasn't to your liking, but you're interested in the series as a whole, I'd recommend a couple of the others.

In the Absence of Sunset Shimmer is great if you don't mind some Equestria Girls action. It's a mystery drama starring both human and pony Twilight Sparkle that doesn't end with her suffering grievous injury. It's shorter than this one, too, so it's half the time investment.

Lord Mayor Applejack is where it all began, and while it's a comedy... it's still got its dramatic moments. (Tonal inconsistency or multi-genre? You decide!) It introduces the world and Andean Ursagryph, alongside presenting what sort of person my version of Celestia is.


I picked Twilight to be the victim because she's one of my favorite characters, and if the cast was gonna be in turmoil, I was gonna feel it. So I can understand not liking it.

In the end, the choice is up to you. Does the intrigue of the characters and setting entice you forward? Or have you seen enough problems to know you're not gonna enjoy yourself?

I'm glad you've commented about your thoughts. It's brought up a lot of memories from writing the story and made me take another look at whether it does what I set out to do. I hope you do go on to find something you enjoy, whether on my page or beyond.

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As a whole, this story can't exist without Twilight's injury. It's the final catalyst for Luna's descent into madness. It sets the knights on the path to working with each other, rather than just collabing through Twilight. Daring wouldn't have gone to Time for help. Care would have been left stewing in her own juices. Blank would have never been revealed, and thus never opened up. Twilight Velvet wouldn't have had a personal vendetta against Hurricane.

I don't have a problem with the injury itself; as you said, it gives the other characters a reason to start actively relying on each other instead of Twilight, and I've enjoyed many a story where a major character gets indisposed for a part of the story so that side characters can step up to the plate.

My problem is that the lasting effects of the injury, even after she "recovers", affects the way her character manifests in the story (in this case, how she demonstrates her personality via interacting with others in conversation), and in my opinion to a negative degree such that I would have preferred she stayed in her coma. That affects the focus of the main plotline, and the fact that said change didn't appear until the halfway mark creates, in my opinion, a jarring disjoint. If it had been introduced much earlier (perhaps if Twilight had been injured very quickly and then woke up by the quarter mark), or even much later (such as if she was injured very early and didn't recover until very late, so that Twilight wasn't actually a main character herself, just the impetus for the main characters getting together), it probably wouldn't feel so off to me. Being smack dab in the middle in a 250k word story puts it in a very awkward position.

I'm always up for dark stories (one of my favorite stories on the site is The Immortal Game, which is quite dark), so the darkness of named characters getting severely injured or killed doesn't put me off. It's just how this aspect suddenly changes the manifestation of Twilight's character in the story and as a result the story itself at a point that is late enough that it feels jarring, but not so late that one can ascribe it to climax-based shakeups.

You don't need to respond if you don't want to; I'm just trying to articulate my feelings on this change in the story instead of leaving them jumbled up in my head. I got up through chapter 25 before deciding I wasn't really enjoying it anymore even after getting past the reveal itself. I'm leaving it bookmarked in case I want to come back in the future, though, so we'll see.

Wow, amazing and the end got me in the feels out of no where.
:)
Great work.

And, Damn you, now I have to read them ALL because this was so good.
I hope you're happy!

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Wow, amazing and the end got me in the feels out of no where.
:)
Great work.

Hey, it got me, too. I admit to getting teary-eyed. :twilightsmile: Emotional investment is pretty much the main thing I'm going for.

And, Damn you, now I have to read them ALL because this was so good.
I hope you're happy!

I hope you enjoy yourself. Read them in any order you want, but Rhythm and Rhyme is the only other story (so far) that follows the Knights of Harmony. Also, Lord Mayor Applejack introduces Care, Caution, and Andean.

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Caution has a story I want to read, which has his resolution to that bomb of a revelation?!

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That's going to be in the grand finale of the series, which I will write when I finish In the Absence of Twilight Sparkle. He only shows up as a background element until then.

The bombs have not yet begun to drop. :scootangel:

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There are international laws against what you're doing to me right now! 😜😄😀

Heya there! I took a good ol' look at your story from a good friend and my God, I wish I woulda saw this when I was still a kid! This is awesomely written, the hook is on point with gettin' the reader very interested, just everything about this story is amazing! I hope ya didn't mind, but I made a little audio reading of the first chapter! Soon, more to come if ya don't mind those as well! :D

Audio Linko!: https://youtu.be/SnozIC30I2s

(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment!)

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