Inception
Princess Luna dreamed.
For her, the night was her natural home. She did not mind the day (but found it occasionally bothersome and bright), but she bloomed when Celestia lowered her Sun and she raised her Moon. Despite rumors to the contrary, her schedule was not one where she woke up in just enough time to raise the Moon, and slept until she had to lower it again. Her night-life was active, and very, very vigorous.
Just...much of it was spent in her bed.
Princess Luna was one of the few ponies that could walk in dreams. She had high hopes for a few other ponies, but until they could be trained, Luna guarded the Dreaming alone. Fending off monsters that lived in the gaps between the real world and the Dreaming. Helping ponies to find happy dreams, relieving nightmares, and finding new things to discover. And, mapping the empty spaces at the very extent of night’s reach; areas that could be both familiar and alien.
One of those possible consistencies was what she was looking for tonight. Luna had walked in Twilight Sparkle’s dreams, both pre- and post-Ascension. And, to say that they were organized was like saying the sea was salty, or Pinkie Pie was manic. Even her nightmares were organized--missing books, missed deadlines, incomplete check boxes on checklists. Her mind was a field of order, layers upon layers of checklists like ripples of fudge in a brownie with scrolls like folded walnuts. So, all she had to do was find a mind that was like that...but masculine.
It wasn’t as simple as “aim at Ponyville and find the dreaming librarian”. Distances in the Dreaming were never simply linear or constrained by the logic of three dimensions. Time was also mutable. As Luna dove deeper into the Dreaming, the perspective of time growing slower and slower was apparent as she went deeper into memories. Because she could walk there, Luna knew where she was and where she could go from there. It wasn’t anything that could be measured by a ruler or timed by a clock. The process was more...organic than that. Which explained why Luna was so good with the Dreaming. The few times she had brought Celestia here, her mind insisted upon imposing it’s own will, it’s own requirements to other’s dreams.
Luna had learned long ago to flow. To let dreams take their own course, to nudge the wayward strands of thought into coherent considerations. And, the flow had brought her to the first touch of dreams, one that was unknowingly shared. She trotted carefully along cobblestones made of cupcakes and houses made of gingerbread with frosting and candy decorations, to the sound of foal laughter. Luna turned a corner, and was bowled over by two little blurs of foal energy, pink and purple with hummingbird wings. “Come...back...here…,” a familiar voice said, rounding the corner.
Pinkie Pie looked tired, frazzled...and happy. She pranced her way across the cobblestones, and caught the two foals in mid-air, bringing them down to blow on their bellies with giggles. “Dawn Star, Sunrise, silly ponies!” she laughed, and snuggled their giggling, happily squirming bodies to her. Pinkie Pie looked up, and saw Princess Luna and smiled. “Hiya, Princess! Let me guess, I’m dreaming right now, right?”
“Yes, we are,” Luna smiled at Pinkie Pie and looked at the foals in her dream. They were alicorn foals-small horns and the still-active wings ready to fly again. “You have decorated the city well, Pinkie Pie.”
“Well, of course I did!” Pinkie Pie gushed. “Gingerbread is an awesome building material and it’s edible, as well!” She promptly turned her head, and took a large bite out a nearby building, chewed, and comically swallowed the food she had just eaten. “Tasty! White frosting and multi-colored sprinkles!”
Luna smiled, and peeled off another bite from a nearby building. She chewed and swallowed her smaller piece of frosted gingerbread. “Who is the father of the foals, Pinkie Pie?” she asked.
“Why, Dusky, of course!” Pinkie Pie grinned. “I wish he was here, he should be here, but he’ll be here soon enough, I promise!”
Luna nodded at Pinkie’s optimism, and said, “I have to be going, but I hope to return soon.”
“See you soon!” Pinkie waved, and the foals waved as well.
Luna smiled, and she took a turn down a cupcake alleyway between two fudge brownie brick buildings, and trotted onwards. Her next steps ended from confections to carpet, a deep blue pile carpet that seemed to stretch onward forever. Elegant couches and small tables holding vases dotted the new walls, and Luna could hear off in the distance singing. And...just on the bare threshold of perception was another sound. One she couldn’t quite place, but she did hear it. Following the singing, Luna walked the hallway, admiring how it was decorated. If this is the dream of who I think it is, Luna thought, we must commission her immediately to redecorate Canterlot Castle. It is well done, yes, but there are things there that were a thousand years old before the Abeyance. Something done in this century would be nice to look at.
The singing led Luna to a well-appointed room, covered in blue velvet wallpaper, framed by beautiful crystal-pane windows. Pony mannequins surrounded the room, each bearing some form of outfit or dress. In the center was a couch, a crib, and four ponies. Three of them were foals-one asleep in the crib, older twins by a year lying snuggled up to a unicorn mare. She cooed a wordless song to the foal in the crib, rocking it with her magic, and unconsciously curling her legs to snuggle the other foals in closer. The mare didn’t notice Luna until she lifted her head to look around, an elegant blue curl of her main dropping across her face. “Darling,” she smiled, her voice soft. “How may I help you tonight?”
“A pleasure to see you as well, Rarity,” Luna said just as softly. She stepped closer, and noticed that the foals-all three of them-had horns and wings. “Foals with you and Dusk Shine?” Luna smiled.
“Oh, yes,” Rarity beamed, then she blushed. “He is such a noble pony, even when we were in the process of making the foals in the first place. Kind and gentle, and a little…,” here, her voice trailed off.
"Nervous?"
“Very. He didn’t want to hurt me, you see...but, I wanted to be hurt that way, to be the first, to be his first,” Rarity whispered. “To give him the most happy of first times.”
“And, where is Dusk Shine now?” Luna asked, nodding to this response.
“Around, but he will be back,” Rarity said with conviction. “He will be back, because he said he would.”
Rarity’s horn began to glow again and she rocked the cradle with her magic. “I have no doubts in my mind of that. Or fear that he would never return. He will be back.”
Luna bowed her head to Rarity and her conviction. She said, “I have other tasks to perform this night. May I return to see you and your foals again?”
“You are always welcome here, darling,” Rarity smiled, and floated the white-furred alicorn foal out of the crib, snuggling it with her front hooves as the foal played with the curl of her mane. Luna nodded to Rarity, and began to trot down the opposite hallway from where she entered, the sound of her hooves vanishing into the thick, rich carpet.
Luna turned down a hallway, and the consistency of carpet changed into meadow grass, and she could see a house just off to the horizon. The sound she had heard previously was a bit easier to hear, but...Luna couldn’t identify it. The sound was a consistent one, at the very least...and Luna cocked her head to angle her ears in a better position to hear.
Which was why she didn’t see the foal that blind-sided her.
The foal was a pale yellow blur that nailed Luna just behind her front hock, with enough velocity to make her stagger. She turned, and looked for what hit her, and saw the foal on the ground-wings open and twitching, hoof holding the head where he had presumably hit Luna, horn short but stout. Luna smiled at the foal, winced slightly from when she moved at the point of impact, and lifted the foal in her magic. “And, hello,” she said, “who do we have here?”
“‘Na!” the foal said, and smiled a urchin’s smile that could melt even Luna’s heart-and was probably going to melt mare’s hearts when he grew up. The foal tumbled around a bit in Luna’s magic, and tried to get airborne again.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” a soft and breathless voice said, and Luna turned to see a happy and haggard Fluttershy running up the path. “Little Blitz is a bit of a hoof-full, and I’m sorry he hit you.”
“I wasn’t harmed,” Princess Luna said, offering the squirming bundle to Fluttershy, whom hugged the foal in her front hooves. Fluttershy smiled at the foal, and the foal smiled back at her, and she nuzzled his nose with her nose. “A lovely foal,” Luna continued, and looked around the meadow.
“Oh yes,” Fluttershy said softly, “Dusk Shine and I...our first, and hopefully more coming soon. Once we got over our fear, we keep trying and trying and trying…,” it was then that Luna heard something from Fluttershy that she had never heard before. A giggle. An honest-to-Celestia giggle. “We have so much fun trying that it was a shame that we had to stop trying before the foal was born.”
Fluttershy smiled, a tired but contented smile. “We’re dreaming, aren’t we?” Fluttershy asked.
“Yes,” Princess Luna nodded. Never lie, Luna’s first teachers in the Dreaming had told her. Lies are worse than incomplete truths. Another reason why Celestia didn’t do well when she was here in the Dreaming. Celestia would never lie, perish that thought. But prevaricate, mislead, misconstrue, omit, remit, confuse, baffle, and fail to correct a pony’s misconceptions? Celestia would do all of that, cheerfully. Which, in the Dreaming, was like juggling priceless eggs on a unicycle on a tightrope. The tightrope being over a very hungry pit of hydras--and the hydras only being a hair’s thickness away from the tightrope.
That experience was one they would never repeat again.
“It’s a happy dream,” Fluttershy whispered. “I hope that it can come true.”
“As do I,” Luna nodded. “Will Dusk Shine be back anytime soon?”
“Oh yes, he’ll be back soon,” Fluttershy said breathlessly. “We’re going to give it another try again when he gets back. And another try, and another…,” and here Fluttershy broke out into happy giggles again, blowing a raspberry on the foal’s belly. The foal giggled, and cuddled up to his mother.
“I shall return, if my duty permits it tonight,” Luna smiled, and started to head down the meadow path, acknowledging the waves from both mother and son. The disorganized trees of the forest that Fluttershy lived near began to change, becoming more organized, and more like a well-tended orchard. The orchard was of apple trees, and Luna paused for a moment at the point of transition, trying to find the sound again. The sound was a bit clearer now, but still...just beyond the point of comprehension. Luna sighed, and continued down the dirt path, and kept the white-washed fence posts to her sides, as she heard hooves hitting trees.
Luna came across the bend in the road and saw that Applejack was in the process of teaching two foals how to buck apple trees. “Y’need to get yourself braced properly,” Applejack said, clearly in the middle of her lecture. “Front legs in good shape, and back legs up!” She gave the apple tree she was bucking a good double hoof kick, apples raining down like a storm. The foals made cheerful noises as they watched, their smiles bright, their wings cheerfully open, and their horns gleaming in the sunlight. Applejack took another good look at the tree, and said, “Think we’ll go buck another,” and caught a sight of Princess Luna. “Howdy, Princess! Think you got some time t’learn how to buck apples with us?”
“I have a busy night,” Luna replied, “if I have the chance I will return to learn. Your foals?”
“Our foals,” Applejack corrected. “Dusk Shine went into town, getting some books to read to ‘em,” she continued. “Should be back soon, boy likes to get a good walk in every day. Think you can stay around a bit?”
Luna looked up at the sky and considered flow. “If I can make it back soon,” Luna considered, “I shall. Let me not interrupt your lesson.”
Applejack smiled, and lead the foals to another apple tree for further lessons. Luna continued down the path, and realised the ever-present sound was a little easier to catch.. She still could not comprehend it, but she was getting closer to the source. Every hoofstep lead her closer, and the dirt road began to change from dirt into clouds. It was only a few steps away and around a low-hanging cumblus cloud that Luna was now walking entirely on clouds. To her right, she could make out the outlines of Cloudsdale and she could see a large cloud house that was very familiar. There was just the perfect amount of a breeze in the sky, perfect conditions for ideal flying.
Which, clearly, Rainbow Dash was doing. Resting on her back, legs around Rainbow’s body and wings opened up in full, was a foal learning to fly with Rainbow Dash. The pegasus caught sight of Princess Luna and doubled her speed, catching an utterly spectacular gust of wind and landing with absolute style and form. “Wow!” Rainbow Dash gushed, “Did you see that? Perfect form, great landing, and a Princess to watch. You’re a lucky foal, Prism!”
The foal on her back giggled, and cooed into Rainbow Dash’s mane, rubbing her horn into her blue, fuzzy neck. “So, what can I do for you today, Princess?”
“I was just seeing how your dreams were tonight,” Luna said. “I’m surprised that you aren’t flying with the Wonderbolts right now.”
“Oh, I can do that later,” Rainbow Dash smiled. “Got this little squirmer to deal with, and she’s picking up a lot of the tricks she’ll need for later. Dusk’s still a bit too much by the book for teaching, but she’s gonna be an awesome racer when she grows up.”
Luna looked at the small foal with the indigo fur and the technicolor mane, nodding. “Prism does have the lines for it,” Luna agreed. “I was hoping to meet Dusk Shine as well tonight, do you know where he is?”
“Said he’d be back in a bit,” Rainbow nodded. “Went back to town to get some stuff.”
Luna looked at where Ponyville would be, had this not been a dream. There was a solid wall of clouds between her and Ponyville. Big, white fluffy, clouds.
Sinisterly cotton-ball clouds that suggested they were hiding piranha clouds.
Luna knew when dreams held nightmares--and those clouds suggested the unseen one lurking behind them was huge.
“I will catch him along the way back,” Luna smiled and opened up her wings. “Clear skies, Rainbow Dash.”
“See you soon,” Rainbow Dash grinned, and resumed chattering about flight concepts with Prism.
Luna trotted for the clouds, and she stepped carefully around the still-dreaming Spike. From what she could see of his dreams, he had tried to stay up all night reading comic books, and fell asleep in his basket again. His dreams were simple, heroic, direct, and content. Luna smiled, and stepped past them carefully and entered into the clouds.
She now knew what the sound she was hearing was.
It was screaming.
She stepped into a view of Ponyville, her hooves on hard cobblestones at the dead of night without the Moon. The buildings loomed like Gothic castles, and she could see a pony hitting one of the buildings with his hooves, trying to break in. Purple fur, male and an alicorn, the pony was screaming with tears coming down his eyes, “Let me in! Let me in, in the name of Faust, let me in!”
He kept pounding on the door with his hooves and with his magic, but he couldn’t get in. There was the sound of a door opening, and the dreamer’s head turned like a bird of prey sighting a field mouse. With a sharp beat of his wings, the dreamer flew towards the sound, and dove on the door that was just closing...and was hit in the face by the door slamming shut just a moment before he could make it inside. He resumed pounding the door, screaming a wordless cry.
Luna turned to look into the window of the house the dreamer had been trying to get into, and she saw...the dream of Rarity and her foals, that she had just left. The dreamer had been trying to get into that dream. As Luna walked softly across the cobblestones of the street, each lit window had a family--mother and alicorn foals--but no father. She recognized the Elements of Harmony, some of the other ponies from Ponyville, and a few she did not know. And, Luna suspected, she was about to meet that father.
She stepped up behind him, and just as he was about to strike the doors again with both front hooves, she stopped them with her magic.
“CEASE”, Luna bellowed, her Royal Canterlotian Voice causing the windows to rattle and the doors to shake. “I AM HERE TO HELP YOU TONIGHT, DUSK SHINE.”
The dreamer looked up at Princess Luna and Luna felt a sudden surge of affection towards the alicorn stallion. He looked so much like Twilight Sparkle that she had to remind herself that this was not her, but him. “This is what you fear tonight?” she asked, waving a hoof around the entire nightmare he had created.
“It is my nightmare,” Dusk replied, closing his eyes to control the tears. “All those foals...all of them my responsibility, all of them not having a father, not having somepony that is there for them, because I left.”
There was a strangled sob, and Luna pulled a handkerchief out of the dream and gave it to him. He blew his nose and dried his eyes. “I can not give them what they want,” he spoke through the still-flowing tears. “They want...they want a future, and I want to be a part of that future. But, I do not know how I got here, and I could go back at any moment. And, I will not let a foal grow up like Bolero did--without parents.”
Princess Luna nodded, and she looked around. “May I sit, Dusk Shine?”
“Please,” Dusk replied, and sat down himself. Luna joined him, and she considered the pony in front of her.
“Dusk Shine, your loyalty and duty to your offspring does you credit,” Luna said. “I have no doubts in my mind that you would never leave them.”
“But,” Dusk sighed, “this is not where I belong. Twilight Sparkle belongs here and I will not take her place.”
“Have you considered,” Luna said softly, “that perhaps you are here because you need to be here?”
Dusk looked at Luna, confused. “I...I do not understand.”
“You are both inside and outside the problem,” Luna said. “The Elements of Harmony, they have a resonance that you are still connected to. You can feel them still, can’t you? Loyalty, Honesty, Generosity, Kindness, and Laughter. And, of course…”
“Magic, makes it six,” Dusk finished. “We are still...connected. I am still Magic. And, the Elements...they still want to be one, do they not?”
“Still want to be one?” Luna asked, curious.
“I asked Prince Helios once, when he...well, when he banished Prince Artemis to the moon a thousand years ago,” Dusk said, looking embarrassed suddenly. “I am sorry, I should have not brought up the Nightmare Moon-”
“It was a mistake of youth and one that I am thankful I was saved from,” Luna interrupted gently. “You were saying?”
“Well...Prince Helios thought that when he had to use all six of the Elements to stop Nightmare Moon--another similarity there--he felt like they were six points of a cone that wanted to be at one point again,” Dusk replied. “I must ask Princess Celestia if the experience is the same.”
Princess Luna considered this for a moment. The Tree of Harmony pulls on the Elements still, she thought. We must ask Celestia, true--but I must ask her alone. And, his mind! Luna admired the clarity of logic that Dusk Shine still had. Even confused, frustrated, and worried, he is still working through problems, still thinking. Twilight Sparkle, bless Faust’s heart, would be either in a panic or denial right now. Or trying to do experiments of dubious morality.
“Are there other differences?” Luna asked.
“The Most Special Spell, I did some quick research into the history of it. Do you realize that your version of the spell was two hundred years earlier than ours? And, ours has an even chance of what the gender of the foal will be? I suspect,” Dusk Shine began to lecture, “that is one of the major change points that our mutual universes has. I will have to check the history books, if I am here for any longer, to see what the differences are.”
Luna settled into this dream, and listened. However else this night ended, she would learn something new. And, she always loved to discover new things.
Princess Luna woke to see the Sun just starting to creep over the horizon.
She had spent the rest of the night in Dusk Shine’s dream, listening as he talked about his theories and his ideas. Luna had asked questions, Dusk had answered, and the two of them had spent the entire night conversing. It was the first time in a long time--centuries, in fact--that she had met another pony mind that was as brilliant as hers. The only other mind as recent was Twilight Sparkle, which did not surprise her.
What did surprise her was just how intellectually...stimulating that was. Oh, Twilight was just as stimulating, but Luna knew from experience that even suggesting a more physical relationship would have caused Twilight’s brain to seize up. She had grown up with only one Princess, studied under her, learned from her. Even now that she was one herself, Twilight was barely able to see the Princesses as anything less than the very hoofsteps of Faust on Equestria. That she was one now was the cause of no slight amount of cognitive dissonance. Suggesting something as...organic as a physical relationship could have thrown her world view entirely into chaos.
Luna sighed, and lifted her hair brush with her field, brushing out the particularly tight knots and stars in her mane. Dusk Shine, on the other hoof, she thought, he is...still a stallion at heart. One that will not forsake duty, or honor, or obligation. If I can convince him that I am as willing to stand by a mutual duty together…
The brush stopped for a second. Luna shook her head at that thought. Too soon, little pony, she considered to herself. “It is too soon to think of those kinds of plans. If he can go back to his home, I will make sure he can go home,” she said to the walls. “If he cannot...I will help him to build the best of happiness in this world.”
Luna resumed brushing her mane out, then paused again. My sister, on the rear hoof, is complete and she probably has been getting hourly reports on Dusk Shine from town. From her dreams, I know that when she has emotional fantasies, Twilight Sparkle is one of the participants. Currently, the most vigorous and most often participant. And now, there is a version that is the male version of Twilight Sparkle in Ponyville and we are going there today…
The hair brush clattered to the floor. Before it had finished falling, Princess Luna had already teleported out of her bedroom.
To find her sister.
It did not take her long to find Celestia--there was only one place she could have been.
Near her bedroom was a boudoir that had half the walls as mirrors, with the other half granting a wonderful view of the north. Celestia was surrounded by her hoofmaidens, preening and primping and applying makeup and brushing her fur and mane. Dressed and jewelry and accessories floated in either Celestia’s or her hoofmaiden’s fields, waiting to be tried on. Luna knew that Celestia wouldn’t have been less than perfect when she came to the Festival today in Ponyville, but this was different. Luna knew the signs and she knew exactly what Celestia was doing this morning.
She was putting on romantic war paint for the first time in a very long time. Luna came into the boudoir, and decided that the idea of beating around the bush was going to take too much time. “A word with you, sister,” she said firmly, then added, “In private.”
Celestia looked over her shoulder, and considered her sister for a moment. Then, she said, “Let’s take a break. I will ring for you when we’re done.” The hoofmaidens kneeled to the Princess and trotted out of the boudoir; the last one closing the door behind them. Celestia turned to look at her sister, and was about to say something when Luna interrupted with, “Sister, you have missed one thing.”
“What have I missed?” Celestia asked, in a very careful tone of voice.
“This is not Twilight Sparkle, your beloved student, with a phallus,” Luna replied. “The stallion you are about to chase has a name. It is Dusk Shine. He is the honored and well considered student of Prince Helios. He is not your student. I will not let you use what you know about Twilight Sparkle and the points of resonance that the two have to manipulate him. It is unfair to both of you if you do.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you think I know that?”
“I think...we are both lonely in that regards, sister,” Luna replied softly. “I know we are both envious of Cadence in that she has somepony that loves her without reservations or an agenda. And, yes, I will admit that I do find him attractive. And thoughtful. And considerate. And intelligent. That is why I propose a compromise.”
Celestia’s eyebrow raised higher. A whole paragraph was in that eyebrow raise--you’re not the one who usually suggests or proposes a compromise, Luna. There’s a reason why one of the most dangerous weapons in my diplomatic arsenal is “Why don’t we let my sister take a look at it and see what she thinks.” You are not known for your compromises in word or deed--if you wish to do something, you do it. If you wish to speak your mind, you speak it freely and without fear or regrets. How I’ve missed that from you since the Abeyance and remembered how annoying it was with the Return. You want to compromise because you fear he might choose you over me? Or do you fear that he would choose you to escape me? Or...that I am going to make him choose because everything that I’ve read says that he might be the pony of my dreams.
Celestia lowered her eyebrow. “What is your compromise, Luna?”
“We let him decide what he wants,” Luna said without hesitation. “I suspect that Cadence is planning something. If he departs us today or tomorrow, he leaves with a heart that is still capable of love. If he is here to stay, she is priming him to accept a relationship with the Elements of Harmony. And, I suspect, she plans to have us in that relationship, celestial bodies in the orbit of his love.”
Luna delicately took one of the accessories that Celestia had been trying on in her magic and put it down on a table. “Let us go to him as we are. If he cannot love us for that, ‘tis better to know now.”
Celestia considered her sister for a second, then sighed. “You’re right. Give me a few minutes to get...cleaned up?” she pondered the right idea with a hoof under her chin. “I’ll be ready, and we’ll be able to make to the Festival on time.”
Luna nodded. “I will see you shortly, sister.”
As Luna left, the hoofmaidens came in, and she pondered her own words. “Let him choose,” she whispered, sadly. “As long as he chooses me, as well…”
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We need to go deeper. But not that kind of deeper.
Interesting chapter. I'm glad Luna talked to Celestia. I wonder how this story ends though. I guess we will see soon enough.
Well Luna is the only one reasonable it seems. And Dusk's whole "the elements seek to become one" could explain why the normally extra reasonable Elements of Harmony are as obsessed with Dusk as everymare else, not only are their basic instincts telling them to mate with the Alicorn stallion but the elements themselves are telling them to "Become one with Magic ".
Dang, Flutters is horny!
5454397 See "Flutterhulk" and "it's always the quiet ones, isn't it?"
That, and I can just see Fluttershy bouncing on the bed going, "let's do it again, and again, and again, and again..."
5454394 "When five thousand years you are, reasonable you become."
I'm holding to the theory that Celestia is the rational one of the sisters, while Luna is the considerate one.
5454393 Luna knows her sister well. And, does care for her.
Wow, the hopeful dreams were adorable and Luna consoling Dusk Shine if his nightmares was well-written. I'm surprised how quickly Luna and Celestia developed a crush on him.
5454445 I've always wanted to say this...
Go, fanfiction writers! To your keyboards!
I could hear a soundtrack when Luna was approaching Rainbow's dream, then on to finding Dusk's dream. It seems fitting to me.
Drilling into the minds of.... well mares aiming for the perfect partner...
5454499 ....i had forgotten about that movie.
And females makes jokes about males thinking with the lower head,
5454657 .....i don't get what do you mean..long chapter or .....longer..inch?*dirty mind came up*
.......
Really interesting. Is the name of the chapter a reference to movie Inception(2010)?
This is so much chaos. best logic ever. better than stupid with no logic.
Everyone seems oddly unconcerned with how Twilight is doing.
5454657
That phrase combined with your avatar...is all sorts of troubling.
5454884
Much of what you say is part of Dusk's dialogue, but yes, it does crop up elsewhere here and there. I'm hesitant to pick up on the writing style because it;s the author's choice at the end of the day and changing it usually means a total re-write.
5454897
Dusk is just that distractingly beautiful.
th06.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/293/2/9/dusk_shine_by_desolateshadow30-d6r6yuj.png
Don't ask where I found that.
If Cadence wins?
Dusk:... Death by snu-snu
I'm not sure what to make of this chapter. It's nice that it switched points of view, but I'm starting to feel like this story can not have a 'good' ending. Either he stays in this world and his friends and family in his world will never see him again or he leaves and all the mares are heart broken over his loss. Especially the Princesses,' they have a chance to be with a stallion who would love them for them and as an added bonus they won't out live him. Unlike the others who would just die off, assuming you're going with the whole alicorns are immortal shtick. I get that he is just a gender swapped version of Twilight, but he is still not 'Twilight.' I may just be over thinking this but the more I do the more is saddens me, It's like there is no good ending.
They forgot about Twilight very fast. No mention of worry from anyone.
That bucking part.... I haven't even started the chapter and already I've fallen off my chair.....
I would like a few short vignettes on how your version of the Alicorn swap is doing. Has Prince Helios helped her finally fulfill her 'hot for teacher' kink?
There is no way he can stay.
Unless.... Mirror Pool?
So, were the 5 female elements of harmony dreams part of Dusk Shine's abandonment nightmare, or does Dusk Shine have the unfortunate ability to accidentally go dreamwalking into other dreams just to make his nightmares more heartwrenching?
5454394
All of the mares in Ponyville seem attracted to Dusk, it's not just the element bearers.
I think if Dusk Shine were to be confronted with Celestia in full romance war-paint, he'd probably break down and never fully recover. There's just way too much emotional baggage there for him to process at the moment of their meeting.
I hate the 'can't-make-every-girl-happy' or 'harem' option. Dusk will have to go home eventually, and when he does Twilight will return, and won't that be awkward if she knows that the others have made 'advances' toward her male self? It might be a little less awkward because Dusk has successfully been established as being different as a character from Twilight, but still all kinds of awkward. This is why an OC being 'one of the few stallions' can be awkward, and especially so with Alicorns. I still hold that the Ponyverse is roughly equal gender-wise, since we have only seen stallions in the guard services.
My MC, Gearhead, sees himself as being unworthy of courtship, and is not in a position, politically, to do so anyway. He is also an Earth Pony, so he has that dis/advantage over Dusk. But oh, what the two of them would talk about if they met!
I feel a bit awkward, having created a Pegasus named 'Prism Azure' who might be interested in dating Gearhead, and now I find Dash has fantasized about her own Prism. By the way, I hope these fantasy families don't get the Marvel treatment. That sort of thing drove Wanda and Kitty absolutely batty,
So l-lewd.
5455038 Cadence will throw the contest, if needed. She's happily and monogamously married and her husband is very, VERY heterosexual. And, not into incest play.
5455225 Stated the reason why before-very high status single male pony. The connection of the Elements just adds spice to everything.
5455213 The dream was shared, and Dusk Shine was seeing (not hearing) from the outside in. Might have to clarify that.
5455124 "Forget it, Pinkie Pie, it's Ponyville. After this disaster, Twilight Sparkle will turn into a naked, hairless monkey or she'll summon a cuddly tentacular horror or blow up one of the barns. Again."
5455115 Religion in MLP:FIM is always tricky. I've held that the ponies are not wired for religion the same way humans are (looking for the Alpha relationships in everything, even in nature) and what little they have is reserved either for the Princesses or Mother Faust. Mother Faust is seen as the "origin" of ponykind, and the myths flow from there.
Sorry about my comment above. I deleted it and put its contents in this one.
'most frequent' would flow better than 'most often'. There should be a comma before the second 'and'
Edit: Just reread the second sentence in the quote box. You will see the eye-slider type problem in it. Better: "And now there is a male version of Twilight Sparkle in Ponyville, and we are going there today..."
The comma is a mistake here. Get rid of it.
Both commas here are wrong. The first one should be removed, and the second one should be replaced with a semicolon.
Edit 2: I have no idea why anyone would upvote this comment. It's just a few proofreading issues I pointed out.
Here is a general tip to improve your writing. Read it out loud. You will find the awkward phrases this way.
Here is a second tip. Read the whole thing backwards, sentence by sentence. This forces you to evaluate each sentence individually, without the strength of the others to support it.
Remove the comma. The ellipses could be replaced with an em dash (---) unless you want to imply that he was silent for a matter of seconds, as opposed to a moment.
For the most part, this chapter was excellent, proof of why it is I like this story so much and why I keep waiting eagerly for the next chapter. The dream sequences were just expertly done, they really help highlight just how badly Dusk is torn between his mind and his heart with the Element Bearers.
The only slight problem is a niggling case of Fridge Logic. Namely: The Most Special Spell. In FiM fancanon, this is the spell that allows a homosexual couple to have children, specifically lesbian mares, with its drawback being that such magical pregnancies always result in fillies (hence the gender disparity). But... Dusk comes from a world where lesbians would be rare to pretty much non-existent, since there's so much evolutionary pressure on mares to be having foals. Ergo, this means that the Most Special Spell is probably designed to work on *stallions*.
Now, that's not really the fridge logic that niggles me. It's the note Dusk makes about how the spell has an even chance of giving colts or fillies. So... wouldn't that technically eradicate the gender rarity of females over generations, if all of the gay stallion couples having kids would actually be contributing a much larger number of fillies to the next generation pool than the straight couples? I mean, five out of every ten "stallion-born" foals are fillies, and three out of every ten mare-born foals are fillies, so that's eight out of twenty - nearly 50% - on average.
Or does the "ratio dominance" of stallions in Dusk's world simply keep swinging from extremes generation to generation?
It's not a problem with the story as a whole, it just gives me something I can't stop thinking about.
5455225
"normally extra reasonable Elements of Harmony are as obsessed with Dusk as everymare else" every-mare is obsessed with Dusk, the elements included. My thesis is "Instinct tells the ponies to mate with alicorns", the males aren't useless because they have grown up in a society with the princesses as a constant presence. The stallion's aren't uncontrollably lusting after Celestia, Luna and Cadance because they we raised to know better. The instinct to impress and please alicorns would account for the mostly male military, stallions want to both obey the alicorns and show off their physical prowess to them. The mares have the same instinct but having never dealt with male alicorns they where never taught to control their urges. Twilight's friends should have better control because they can see Dusk as more than "alicorn", but if the element spirits want to reunite with each other that would mean AJ, Dash, Pinkie, Flutters and Rarity have two primal voices telling them to mate with Dusk, not just one.
5455837 Think I talked about this in one of the chapters. Ponyville in Dusk Shine's universe is an extreme because it's a frontier town on the border of a wild zone (the Everfree Forest). Same gender ratio, just swapped. Most places, the ratio is more 3:2 stallions to mares, occasionally reaching parity in some locations. Lesbian relationships have to accept that using the Most Special Spell means they might have a colt to raise.
5455176 It was one of those lines that I thought was going to work out...
5454789 It is, and I couldn't think of a better one-word chapter title.
Please let Dusk Shine choose to stay.
It is irrational,this hatred that has sprouted.But every time i look at her i am reminded of how things could have been.I am reminded of foals and weddings and joyfull unions.Why am i feeling this way?This is her home after all.But it could also have been his.It feels like she took him from me.I love Twilight Sparkle,but i think...i think love Dusk more.What mother wouldnt love the father of her future children?So instead of yelling at her my thoughts(why didnt you let him stay?)i simply stare at her.It is beginning to get awkward and she is shuffling her legs while stummering "Uuh guys?Im back".I put on my best fake smile and say:
"Welcome back Twilight"
So, what about poor Twilight in the other world? I doubt she wants to stay there and get knocked up seven different times. Once by each of her friends and both princes. She's a bit out numbered over there if he stayed over here.
Dusk Shine will never go into a relationship I think. He just doesn't know if or when he will switch back and that would kill him if he swapped places again and had to leave any foals behind fatherless. He is the most dangerous sort, a honorable man. And he will make the right choice no matter how bad it hurts or makes him a monk.
5455038
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LONG LIVE THE EMPRESS!
I am relieved that the two took Dusk Shine as composed and mature as I expected them to. Dusk didn't seemed fazed by Luna, I wonder how he will react to seeing his mentor as a woman? Hopefully we'll get some answers and a happy ending.
Is this a stealth reference to certain events alluded to in my Flagship fic Winner?
Why have all of the female Mane Six gone absolutely baby-crazy within a week of Dusk Shine showing up?
If I type any more than that, we'll have a Rant™ and we don't want that.
5459417
My theory is magical pheromones: Alicorns are the epitome of all that it is to be a pony. Since all Alicorns we have seen are Female and they represent ultimate femininity, Celestia - Motherhood, Cadence - Bride and sitter of foals, Luna - Defender of dreams, and Twilight - Ultimate Friend and Young Woman on the cusp of adulthood. But all embody some form of mothering qualities, so if we were to invert this the Male Alicorn would be the Ultimate embodiment of Fatherhood. Helios would be fatherly, Artemis would be a warrior, Bolerio would be the Ultimate Husband and caregiver, and Dusk is the Bestfriend that got really really hot. His ascension became the catalyst but in a world where Males are overabundant it stands to reason that evolution has made their ability to attract mates overpowered when compared to the males of this Female dominant world. And so my theory is: Dusk Shine a male from the male abundant world is already supercharged to be appealing to females, has become an Alicorn male that is the embodiment of Fatherhood. This has had the effect of making all females around him baby crazy possibly inducing an out of season heat.
5457419
I could imagine in another alternate universe (not the one from which this story was inspired) that Twilight could be ending up posessed by her urges and chasing all of her (colt)friends through town, trying to get pregnant. Polyamory producing children is hard when there is only one mare.
Poor Twilight...
Dusk has the possibility of getting ALL the mares and Twilight ... well I can't imagine seven males wedding a single female working out ...
not judging just saying I have never met a woman that wanted an actual harem of men ...
5463945 So it's not just the Mane6, but it's also not ALL the characters. This makes me wonder what the rubric for application is, unless it was inconsistently applied, in which case... meh. I don't like inconsistency, but still 'meh.'
Scheming. Scheming everywhere!
Really, poor, poor Dusk. So much pressure and he doesn't even know whether he'll be around, and/or for how long.
5460145 Makes sense. Dusk Shine is the only male Alicorn in this world and would be the embodiment of all the traits females find desirable in both mates and the father of their children. Although what would be the result of such a union(s)? Would the foals be Alicorns? But they aren't 'natural' as Earth ponies, pegasi or unicorns. They didn't evolve they were created. Would the result of Dusk Shine's harem lead to the creation of natural born Alicorns or extremely powerful versions of the mother's race? What would happen if he impregnated Luna or Celestia? There have been no recorded male Alicorns in this world so hopefully we can get answers soon.
I realize that in the dreams that most of the foals are Alicorns, but this is a dream, not reality. I have no doubt that the girls would love their children regardless of race, but I imagine this is simply a fantasy with no basis on fact. They imagine their children as Alicorns because the father is one.
5466684 Uuhhh....hhuuuhhh....
I will admit, you are quite the analyst. Almost as much as me, if not the same.