Favorite Magic the Gathering Decks: Zombie, Sliver, and Jace. Friends might hate those decks, but I love them
With the battle of the changelings winding down, it seems the army in the San Palomino Desert have suffered heavy losses to their enemy. In the final act of the war, a lone unicorn cast one final magical spell to turn the tide of the war. mustering the last bit of his magic to preform spell, he hopes this final act will eradicate the enemy. however, he is unaware of the dark magic he is conjuring up
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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so for any who read this the first time I posted it, I've gone back and revised it. should be more entertaining and less clunky and bad. hope you all enjoy the changes I made. it is incomplete at this moment but I'll try and finish it,
Damn, almost had a BINGO moment there, just missed out on the last sentence.
1) You started four of the five sentences in this paragraph with the word "He". Never do that. Repetition is bad. Change it up so that you don't do it too often.
2) Same spelling mistake, done repeatedly. The problem is it's a perfectly cromulent word so the spell check doesn't catch it. The word, "winched" is the past tense of "winch" which is "a hauling or lifting device consisting of a rope, cable, or chain winding around a horizontal rotating drum, turned by a crank or by motor or other power source". Or if used as a verb, "to pull up using a winch". I believe the word you were searching for was "wince" meaning "give a slight involuntary grimace or shrinking movement of the body out of or in anticipation of pain or distress".
3) Run-on sentence. This one is pretty self explanatory. You've got a sentence that is too long and could easily be broken down into two or more smaller sentences.
4) Awkward exposition. I know you're trying to go for big and impressive sounding but it's not coming off that way. Try to describe the scene using normal words and ways of speaking. Try it as if you were simply talking to your friends and telling them what happened.
I can't tell you whether or not this is an improvement over the last story as I never read it but you still need practice because this is nowhere near golden.
5130903 thank you for your review of what I've gotten so far, I will definitely make the required changes and make sure to use all the helpful tips you've shown me. my one question is about the paragraph you referenced. the end sentence, do you think I need it or should I get rid of it? I want to make sure the story is well written so at no point the reader is pulled out of the story.
It's not so much that the end sentence pulls the reader out of the story. It's more that it's just clunky. You're trying to put too much information into the sentence because you feel it's somehow incomplete without it.
You could drop the "their happiness and love". We all know the changelings feed off love so there's little reason to keep it in there. Or you could expand it slightly but break it up into two sentences like so:
I don't even know if they feed off happiness anyway but I kept it in there. It's really up to you how it is you want to proceed with this. I just ask that you try to tone down the gravitas a bit. Descriptions are good. Overdoing it however is bad.
And on a final note I do appreciate the way you're handling yourself. Most new authors on this site would have taken a fit after somebody told them there was a problem with their story. You're already heads and tails above most of the noobs here. Keep it up.
5131028 Thank you for your consideration and time to review my story. I'm still getting the hang of writing with ponies as the characters. I'm usually writing my own stories with people rather then animals. thank you again for reviewing my work and I hope you enjoy the final product when I have finished.
Alright everyone, not having a good day and seems I'm making more mistakes today. so I'm going to try and fix this once and for all! this should clear up almost everything! I promise I'm not deleting comments on purpose, just have tones of brain farts today. will correct it in a few moments.
that better.
5174742 sorry for all the times I needed to fix it and lost your comments
this story is good, but making canon characters die by a wave of the hoof doesn't make the 'dark' genre fitting