Typing has always been something that I like to do. And, with the inspiration of a lot of MLP fanfics, I bring my emotions out in my stories! Hope you like 'em and enjoy!
Morning Star is a semi-normal pony, well, as normal as it can get for the wasteland. But, as Star is met with his friends, an unstoppable string of events occur. Read along as you hear the stories of how the the Ministry of Astronomical Study was created.
This is a spin-off of the Fallout Equestria series that I thought of out of the blue. Hope you enjoy!
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Good luck...
This has got to be the worst story I've ever read in the sense of Fallout Equestria. You told this whole story to us. You didn't show us a damn thing. Not a DAMN thing. Plus, I read this out loud to five people in a chat room. Everyone was groaning and laughing their asses off at how bad it sounded. This story sounded like a monotone librarian who wrote too many instruction manuals.
"It made me lose my boner." -Nyxknight
"It made my tentacles wither." -Brony_Fan_King123
We should all follow our ideas about what to write.
You should follow this one into a dark alley, there you should murder it and think a little bit harder about what to write.
Stories are like convicts, it's all in the execution. Yours was like filling a gas chamber with laughing gas.
Interesting idea, bad execution.
Advice to improve:
1) Find an editor.
2) Think long and hard about your ideas and whether they will succeed.
3) Rethink your stories thoroughly before and after submitting.
When you see lots of "I", you know where it goes...
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They have a point. Someone else reading the story at least once before you publish it might be useful.
To be honest: this isn't good as it is right now. You'll have to work on the story to make it good, but it's nothing you can't accomplish if you're a human being.
FoE isn't easy to write. Some people (a growing number) think that the whole concept of FoE sidestories is overused. That means you have to deliver a really good (or at least interesting) story for it to be recognized and rated well, an average won't be enough and will lead to downvotes. Take the constructive things people say to you in the comments seriously and apply them to your story, then things will become better.
And now for the actual review-thing:
formatting stuff:
- no need for a full stop at the end of the chapter's name
- "I" issue: too many sentences start with "I". You should vary, a lot. Try... anything. Just read a few other (FoE) stories and you'll get an idea of how to do this
- split up the huge paragraphs at the beginning, Bigger paragrapghs look nice but everything above 6-7 lines doesn't look good anymore.
- use the author's note at the start only to say important things concerning the chapter - it's the best to not do it at all.
- go look for an editor/spellchecker/whoever can help with the English language, both spelling, wording and grammar - maybe you are not a native speaker (I'm no Englishman either) In that case, help is needed even more. but don't loose hope.
- the transition from the first huge paragraph to the second huge paragraph is not good. The whole "tell you my legend" thing might serve as a prologue, but the transition is too fast. We don't really know something about the character (apart from what equipment he/she has (which could be done in a prologue, but I don't like it (tl;dr: this introduction tells us nothing about the character))) and all of the sudden we are told that the character is in the wasteland.
- show, don't tell.
character stuff:
- why can a stable pony's skill with weapons (sniper rifles?) "be placed among the finest"?
- we don't know Silver. The introduction (which shouldn't be made that bluntly) tells us that he/she (the gender isn't made clear) has a PipBuck and is apparently good at shooting, but that's it. If you do a blunt introduction chapter, use the space to really introduce your character. Heck, we don't even know what his/her cutie mark is.
- typical "MC unicorn can't do shit with magic"-cliche
- this:
in short: what... why... how...?
That it is an unbelievable for thing for a stable pony to do. If you're on vacation in Africa you don't think "I'm going to bring those dictators down". Your stable pony is alone. Maby he/she is skilled with firearms, but a whole slaver town? Because Silver "had nothing to do"?
-this:
This doesn't work
- stuff. happening. way. too. fast.
The conflict about Stable 202 last exactly one (in ciphers: 1) line, leading from Silver saying "this can't be true" to "okay" without Watcher or anyone even saying something. Not even Silver gives a second thought before he/she says "okay".
- Watcher just pops out of nowhere (just like Shadow Dust) and then suddenly it's quest-time.
As I said before: this needs quite a bit of work to be good. Read a few other stories, maybe take a look at the School for New Writers group or something like that. Your writing will become better by practicing, but knowing a few basic tricks before you start might speed things up a bit.
All in all, try to make your chapters a bit longer. The short chapters lead to no build-up along with no believable solving for your conflicts both story-wise and conected to your characters. Delivering believable dialogue and conflict in around 1k words is pretty pretty pretty hard. I don't want to say you chapters have to be [...] words long, but aiming for around 2,5-3k doesn't do any harm.
Give more details about your characters' personality. But don't tell us e.g. Shadow Dust is a non-trustworthy son of a b
ch, let him act like it so that readers come to that conclusion by themselves.
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This is a solid review (by the way, you have a hashtag floating on your "you're" there in the first paragraph of your comment), I'm going to add an even bigger thing to your "character stuff" section.
What is horrifying about these two things is that we didn't need to know this. Unnecessary details go a long way in a fic, and these two are so unnecessary that even a parrot would squawk in disgust. Not only that, but you never use a number like this. Rule of thumb: any number that is above a million that is extremely complex, such as 1,239,542 can be typed out. However, if it is eighty-four, you type that guy out. That was easy.
By the way, you do it again in a more cringe fashion here:
See what I mean?
Yikes.
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ups!
Edited it out.
Thanks for the comments, I'll be sure to take in account what you said. Hopefully I can get an editor soon, and I should be able to find someone else other than the editor to find read the chapter to before I submit it. Also, it dawned on me that you're right about the "I"'s in this chapter. I read over it and it seemed like I really wasn't doing so well. So, on top of an editor, and another reader, I'll look over again myself to see if there's anything else I can change to make it better. Nonetheless, thanks for commenting and telling me what I was doing wrong! (I knew I was doing something wrong, I was actually trying to get some feedback.) Anyway, thanks!