• Member Since 10th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 11th, 2017

kilala


More of an artist than a writer XP Might as well give it a shot though, right?

T
Source

Anthea, the adopted daughter of Fluttershy, finally gets to spend the entire day with her new coltfriend, Turquoise Blitz. However, their fun day is cut short by a storm that hits Ponyville. Not being able to get home because of the storm, Turquoise spends the night and helps Annie overcome her fear of the dark.

***

Look! I actually wrote another story. For those who don't watch me on deviantART or aren't familiar with these Next Gen characters, I highly suggest you check out their bios first. You don't need to but I feel like it'll make the story more enjoyable.

Bios for Anthea and Turquoise Blitz

If you like this story or at leas the characters, check out more stories about them in this group!

Enjoi!

(Feedback on my writing in general is greatly appreciated. It's definitely something I'd love to improve on.)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 54 )

This story was absolutely adorable...right up to that last line that was absolutely hilarious! Only thing that might have topped it is if Anthea shouted, "It's not what it looks like!"

Silly and sweet, as expected. Your spelling and grammar are pretty shoddy, showing a lack of real polish and professionalism. You wrote this on a whim based on the idea and the picture, and there is nothing really wrong with that, but it is like drawing a picture without doing any line art and with no references. It is good for what it is, but it comes off looking incredibly sloppy.

Sorry, I have to review as a writer. It's just what my nature is.

Characterization wise, Fluttershy seems to be acting perfectly fine according to canon. Since the other two characters are of your own design, all I can say in that regard is that they act consistent to their established personalities, and there isn't any conflicting information.

As a storytelling escapade, it seems a bit shallow. It's an exploration of fears, yes, but there is so much spoken when it didn't need to be. It felt like a very telly and preachy story, instead of painting a picture for us. While dialogue is important, sometimes it is much more potent for a scene to say nothing at all.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/174/c/9/kissy_by_kilala97-d7nlcyl.jpg

Anyway. I did enjoy reading the story, despite the literary flaws present. I can't rightly recommend it as something for someone to read as a story, but it is certainly a nice look inside your head for how you view these characters. I'd recommend it to fans of your art, but I couldn't see this as being what helps someone who has never seen your work to become a fan.

-Lumino

5117154 Thanks for the feedback :pinkiehappy: All your points are spot on. I love dialogues. You probably know that already :raritywink: So I certainly need to work on NOT doing them as much. I tend to be very telly in anything I write (even essays) as well as be really repetitive which I could probably fix by just studying a thesaurus. I'm really hoping my writing class will actually teach me something this year as I really feel like I haven't learned anything from earlier classes for a while, sadly.

And this was definitely intended for my current followers. Most of the stuff I do is for them which is why I hang around dA most of the time. Still, it's no excuse to not make an engaging story. So, I shall take all this advice and keep it in mind for the next time I write something :D

Thanks again!

5117216

There is no nice way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. I wasn't specific with my critique because I didn't think writing was something you were going to focus on. XD

If it is your intent to improve with it, I will do so. Out of time for the next few days, but I'll put up a more in depth look as soon as I can.

-Lumino

So cute.
Also congrats on getting Featured.

Funny and cute! :heart:

I love it when you write because we can take it as canon!

I was a good day

Either you meant "it", or you have a really high opinion of yourself :rainbowlaugh:

Anywho, this story was adorable! I love these guys so much. And the ending was ridiculous amounts of hilarious. XP

Ermagerd, next-gen ponies stories! Must read!

There really isn't anything I can say that Lumino Zero hasn't already. I do love your next gen characters (Pixel is effin' adorable, Ermahgerd). Many writers on this site post Blogs advertising for pre-readers and editors, and with a following as large as yours, finding suitable people to help shouldn't be difficult. Not to mention, Googledocs streamlines the entire process by allowing others to comment on specific parts of the text.
Other than that, I recommend reading, a lot. Not so much fan-fiction because a lot of errors tend to slip through the cracks, but published novels (also Grammar Essentials for Dummies, my bible)

Other than all of that, it was a good story. We do need more show. A lot more detail in the description, but it's not bad, overall.

WS

That, was the cutest thing I've ever heard. Like, adorable doesn't even give it justice.

That was just too cute. ^.^

I'd hate to be in that position. I'd also hate it if my girlfriends parents thought I was trying to do something that they don't approve of.

Very good! While there are a couple of grammatical errors, you still captured every single emotions, even as they changed throughout the story. 8/10

Sweet story. I loved the ending. I think you did a great job.

So amazing :raritystarry: Lovey dear :heart:

Great ending, loved the story. Any chance at follow ups? :twilightsmile:

A pony-dragon hybrid that lives in Carousel Boutique? Ya did it spike! :moustache:

Good to have you back with another adorable story! :pinkiehappy:

The strongest part about this was the ending, which made me laugh.

The biggest flaw in this piece was the telling; there were several moments where we were told things which ended up parsing awkwardly. For instance:

It was a great day. Anthea and T spent most of the day just enjoying each other’s company and having fun. Unfortunately, the fun was cut a little short as the weather suddenly became overcast. It seemed as if a thunderstorm was approaching.

This is very telly, and not in a good way. This is important because it is about how the characters felt about each other and how they enjoyed each others' company, but we're simply told this outright. There are better ways of communicating this with the audience than merely saying things like "It was a great day." Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but it didn't really "sell" it to us.

There are ways of having this feel more natural and showing us that they had fun together. Having the characters act in a friendly/happy manner on their return, despite their day being cut short, would be one possibility. Dialogue and behavior can go a long way towards selling this sort of thing.

Bad Horse noted the primary rules of telling:

Don't tell the audience what to think.
Don't tell the audience how to feel.

I think that more or less sums up why some of this is a bit weak; telling us that it was a great day and they had fun together is more or less directly telling us how to feel, because we're meant to identify with Anthea here and feel some of her excitement about spending the day with her favorite blur.

This idea may not be appealing to you because you may want to keep the a character's bio as general as possible without putting the character on a magnifying glass on what's consider "cannon" because subsequent stories written afterwards that don't fall into that "guidelines of the cannon" would get criticized for it (Not calling him out or anything but as an example how LuminoZero points out that your depiction of Fluttershy falls into canon is a perfect example of this) BUT I think you should write more stories because despite the apparent lack of refined writing skills that you have yet to acquire I think it's very interesting to see what your take on the character are as the creator of this fandom/universe.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words and while we do have a general sense of the way a character is through your beautiful art I think it would be great to if you characterize your characters in greater detail through the stories you write.

Love the story so much! It's so cute:yay: can you make a squeal please :heart:

Meh, sweet but had too many errors for me to like.

Also, nice ponies, but the bios are kind of over-the-top. Giving the reader everything up front makes storytelling pretty darn boring, especially since they don't really have to connect to the characters. Allowing the readers to delve in, ready or not, and experience the character's dialogue and actions blindly gives a sense of realism and has them connecting more because they can see their own reactions embodied in them and identify with them better.

Still, nice to see you building a world and might delve back in sometime in the future.

It's my pleasure to inform you that this story has made FiMfiction.net's Featured Box.:pinkiehappy:

“I’m in the kitchen, Anthea,” replied a yellow pegasus with a pink mane. “I can’t see from over here. Aren’t you by the window?”

“Mom, you know I can’t see,”Anthea said with a small giggle. “Well… I can see colors but that doesn’t help much when they’re just blurs mashed together.”

:raritywink:

Feedback, huh? Well, the storytelling dialogue is mostly fine. You do tell much more than you show, however - you explain things rather than describing them. This makes your writing seem kinda plain, technical and distant. It also makes your exposition very obvious.

That is a pretty typical problem for beginners, though, so if you don't have a lot of experience writing prose, that's understandable. Just something you might want to work on. Over-all, you did pretty well.

One thing I would recommend is cutting down on the nicknames a bit when you're not writing dialogue. Just like how we don't refer to Applejack as "AJ" except for when her friends are addressing her, you'd probably be better off referring to Turquoise and Anthea by their proper names.

Kilala! *hug* :pinkiehappy:

Glad to see another story from this lovely 'verse of yours. :heart:

I'm a bit of a new fan and didn't know you wrote. I couldn't be further from disappointed! :heart: I do wish you had played more on Annie's blindness, like you did at the start with her using the wall to navigate the room. Please feel confident to do more!

Hey Kilala! I put this on my "Watch Later" list because I'm studying for midterms right now, but I wanted to let you know that if you ever need anyone to proof read your work, I'm always open to it! :twilightsmile:

5120568 Thanks for the advice and thanks for reading :D

As for the bios, I've been developing those since last year. Because I wasn't planning on writing much at all, I just made up a ton of information for them right away and as the months passed, I did drawings of them that developed them further and added on to their personality more and more. So much so that they all have the tiniest of quirks and have certain ways that they interact with different ponies. The purpose of this was to give as much information as possible while leaving some big parts out about their backstories and some relationships so other people could be inspired. I do think I did get a bit excited from all the attention they were getting though. That made me develop the bios even more :twilightblush:

5120703 Thanks for the feedback! 'Tis greatly appreciated.

That's a definite problem for me. Being "telly". I rely heavily on dialogue, which is really easy to see when you look at some of my artwork on my deviantART, and I tend to just want to get to what the characters are saying. Character interaction is my favorite part to see whether it's in a cartoon or in a book and I think that's reflected in my writing. I forget to set the scene and describe.

Anyways, thanks for pointing those things out! I'll definitely be using those tips to improve :D

5121659

Understandable. Characterization and dialogue is my specialty as well. Descriptive language isn't something you'd pick up doing comics and fanart, anyway - in writing you have to learn how to paint with words instead. It's a skill you refine with practice, like most artistic expressions.

You have some solid basic skills, though, so I'm sure you'll get the hang of it soon enough. :twilightsmile:

5118682 In kilalaverse there are two Spike's children with rarity...

You made it a bit too short. You skipped too much to make it intresting. There are such tings as fillers for a reason.

One way or another - I insanely enjoyed this even with it's unperfectness...Now make something with Tindra, kiala, my fellow!

5117154

And I agree with what Lumino said!

All I can say is, in a relatively short amount of time, the best way to improve is to read books. A lot of books. Which is probably impossible. So I suggest audiobooks. Audiobooks are awesome sauce.

I didn't see anything wrong with this story. Overall I thought you did a pretty good job. Having to picture the whole situation at the end and the look of horror on Fluttershy's face was priceless. I hope you keep writing. :pinkiehappy:

whel that was ambarresing :rainbowlaugh:

omg! soooo funny!

few grammatical errors here and there, but over all, I really enjoyed this story!

That was hysterical. Poor Fluttershy.

and I was blushing through out that story, hope more will show in the future.

That was adorbssssssss.

so freaking adorbs :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

YOU SEE, THIS is why I don't get how people can .... ACCEPT Tidra! AnT is much more adorable and Nidra is a betch.

>>EllyCoo People just like Tidra you gotta accept it like you like cotton and Prism, I don't ship them, but there cute.

Comment posted by Sweets82 deleted Jan 16th, 2015

5509444 I can't accept it, AnT shines over it with its cuteness xD

can I pleeeeeeease :fluttercry: :applecry: :raritystarry: :rainbowkiss: do a sequel????

Haha! Very cute! :heart:

It's NOT what it looks like! I swear.

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