My name is Timothy. I arrived in this world with my friends Shar, Mark, and Harley, and were quickly sucked into this dangerous struggle. All because of who we are. We're the Paladins, the chosen four to weild the Swords of Eden properly. If one of us dies then both of our worlds are destroyed.
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I forgot that me and friends Mark & Harley - yes they're based on real people - have have our heads in the gutter and that I personally can't come up with my story without coming up with a series of dirty jokes that I have to put in there.heeheehee. Anyway I'm thinkin' that there could be relationships that might happen, give me your thoughts on that, P.S. Harley is a bi chick and Rarity happens to be her type.
So many dislikes...
Spelling, grammar, basic English, yadda yadda...
Alright, so, this is the point where The Pirate King, as a veteran of the craft as well as this site, is cued to crucify your story with the vengeance of the devil dressed as a man.
That said, don't take most of this personally. I'm just doing my job, yeah? Listen and you just might learn something.
So, other people will highlight the lack of grammar, cliched plot, et cetera, so I'm going to focus on more specific points of order.
Firstly, having a cover image that is so very obviously from Assassin's Creed is already a point of contention since this is not a crossover with AC. I realize cover images are hard to come by if you don't draw your own, but there are people all over this site who make splendid cover art. Even without that, generic fantasy characters would work better than that Assassin's Creed promo. As is it just looks lazy.
Like I said, I've seen the plot a million times, so have some driveby pro tips. Don't make characters based purely on real people, especially yourself. It makes it hard to write them objectively. Don't do the "chosen one" trope unless you have a damn good idea to freshen it as a send up, deconstruction, or satire of the trope. Don't name the swords the Swords of Eden, particularly given Eden has no place in Pony myth. If- and that's a big fucking if- the mane six or princesses absolutely have to appear, never have them:
A) act totally out of character
B) fall in love with/ instantly befriend the OC's
C) stick around any longer in the story than they serve a direct purpose to the plot
D) be siblings, offspring, or parents of an OC.
E) agree with everything OC does/says just cause, especially if it is against their character
F) act as the sidekicks, servants, or worshipers of the main character
The tags here worry me as they are all associated with schlock stories. Let's examine each and see if that's really what you should identify your story as.
1) when you say sex, how much and how onscreen is it? If you're answer is "just a few subtle dirty jokes" or "a halfway hidden reference that two characters did it off screen" or I'd even go so far as to say, "two characters make out and spoon but don't have on scene sex" or anything lighter, then I'd say drop the sex tag.
2) when you say gore, how much and how onscreen is it? If you're answer is "a guy breaks his arm with an audible crack" or "there's blood at this one point when a guy gets cut" or even, "a guy's hand gets chopped off, but it isn't described in gross detail" or anything lighter, then I'd say drop the gore tag.
3) when you say dark, what do you mean by dark? Do you mean that there is truly disturbing content in here meant to challenge the grimmer sides of the human psyche, or is it just as though the stories been listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance lately? If the latter, drop the dark tag.
That's about all that I wanted to point out. Good luck salvaging this, kid. Pirate King out.
Wow
5585906
I thank you for the advice, I honestly am a poor writer and I need help from an editor.
Anyone who can help, or knows someone who can, please notify me. I'm doing another story and I don't want to screw this one up, and really want to salvage this one.